AN: I forgot about this fic. Oh well. Tis updated.

“If I’m a ghost, then…” Squilliam was nearly as pale as one, honestly, even if in actuality he was alive (as much as Squidward didn’t want him to believe this), thin arms reaching out suddenly and suctioned hands clasping at Squidward’s face. “Then how can I do this, huh? Ghosts aren’t solid!”

Squidward yanked his face out of his rival’s hands, resisting the urge to laugh. No, he had to maintain the careful pity expression, “That’s just a myth, Squilliam. Besides, you’re not a ghost, per se. You’re-“

“A trapped soul, yeah, you told me,” Squilliam shut his eyes, catching his breath, before looking at Squidward timidly. “S-so why’s my soul trapped?”

“Because you were so much of an asshole when you were alive that no one’s gonna let you go to-“ Shit, what was it religious people aspired to go to?

“Heaven?”

“Right. Heaven.”

“But I’m a good person! I’ve done plenty of good deeds.”

“Oh really? Like what?” Squidward didn’t give Squilliam a chance to answer, instead moving along. “So if you don’t, um, amend your, uh, ways, your soul will be banished to…um…hell…”

“Hell?” Squilliam snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. Bad souls go to Davy Jones’s Locker. Don’t you know anything?” Then, growing aware of what he just said, the octopus squeaked, “B-but I don’t wanna go there!”

This was too much. Squidward was going to explode in laughter if Squilliam kept this up. It was as though his coolness had completely shut off, someone destroying the charm box and leaving him weakly and pathetic.

And still very, very much naked.

Dammit, brain, shut the fuck up already.

“But wait, how do you know all this?” Squilliam’s eyes narrowed, belief in ghosts fading at his belief in Squidward’s lying abilities.

“Oh, I’m your…uh…” Shit, this was going to fuck everything up. If he couldn’t convince Squilliam of his trustworthiness, then…no, no need to panic. Squilliam was so stupid about this faith stuff that Squidward wouldn’t even have to think of a good lie.

After all, it’s hard to play the dickhead card when you think your soul is in jeopardy.

“I’m in charge of getting your soul to move on to the great beyond. Neptune Himself placed me in charge of this. Or do you doubt Neptune?”

“No, of course not! But why you?”

“Because,” Because Squidward was a lying bastard, “Because you’ve wronged me more than anyone else in your life.”

“But it was an accident!”

“Accident my tail fin!”

“Well, it was just for fun. I really don’t think I should be banished to eternal damnation just because I made fun of your admittedly shitty clarinet abilities back in ninth grade.”

“You see, Squilliam, it’s comments like that that are fucking you over.”

“Fuck y-“ He stopped, letting out a shuddery breath. “Squiddy, I’m sorry. But you have to help me. I can’t…I don’t think I should…I just…”

“Just what?” Squidward sneered. “It’s off to Davy Jones’s Locker with you, just like you deserve.”

“Squiddy, I can make it up to you!”

“Oh really? How do you propose to do that?”

Squilliam opened his mouth, as though to reply, though no sound escaped, face falling. "I...I don't know."

Squidward glanced over the weaker one’s body, smiling devilishly. “Well, think about it for a minute, Squilliam. What’s the one thing you’re truly better at than me?”

“Dancing?”

“…no.”

“Clarinet?”

“No!”

“Life?”

“SEX!”

The room was silent for all of three seconds before Squilliam grinned, wiggling his unibrow slightly. “Why Squiddy, you dirty-“

“Shut up!” Squidward paused, thinking this over. Alright, why had he said something like that? He did not want to get fucked by Squilliam Fancyson

No, Squiddy, you want to do the fucking. You want to top him.

Actually, that didn’t sound like such a bad idea. Squidward looked even closer at his rival. He looked so defenseless right now. And he was just so trusting about this soul stuff-this might actually work.

But before he had a chance to think further, Squilliam was already draped around his neck, kissing him, lips soft, almost pleading.

Almost arousing.

…Alright, really was arousing. But Squidward wasn’t that easily distracted.

“Get off,” Squidward mumbled, pushing the cephalopod away. “What the hell was that?”

“Well, you implied that you wanted me to fuck you. Just thought I’d get it over with so I could get out of your shitty house and up to heaven and whatnot.”

“Fuck you! You think it’s that easy?”

“Yes.”

"Wrong. Just because you're easy doesn't mean this is easy."

"I can make it easy," Squilliam grinned, pulling Squidward closer, playing with his collar before panting against his cheek, slyly planting kisses down the side of his face. "If you just let me..."

"I don't think you..." Squidward trailed off as his rival snaked his hands underneath his shirt, gliding against his stomach before teasing at his sides. "...you don't understand."

"What's to understand?" Squilliam leaned forward, licking Squidward's bottom lip, before pulling back again, smiling in his typical cocky manner...

And reminding Squidward just what position he intended to put Squilliam in. No, he wouldn't get sidetracked by playful seduction methods. And to prove this, Squidward grabbed both of Squilliam's wrists, the other crying out in surprise as the cashier pushed him down to the mattress, pinning him underneath him.

"You fucked up my life, Squilliam," Squidward snarled, secretly delighting in the sudden flash of fear crossing the unibrowed octopus's face, the tenseness of limbs and the struggle against the other's grip. "Now I'm going to fuck you up." Shit, that didn't sound right. "Uh... I mean, I'm going to fuck you. In the ass. And you're going to take it. Like the little bitch you ar-"

"S-Squiddy, you're hurting me!"

“Good! You deserve some emotional agony after all you put me thro-“

“No, my w-wrists…” His voice broke, eyes watering. Squidward couldn’t hold the other’s gaze in that moment, letting his eyes fall down.

“Oh. Shit!” Squidward pulled his hands away, noting the bright red skin of Squilliam’s arms, flesh peeling, dots of bruising now shining through.

Snake. Fucking snake. How had Squidward forgotten about the snake? And subsequent snake stomach acid which apparently tore through cephalopod skin with relative ease?

Squilliam whimpered, wrists limp, looking up at Squidward in shock. “Why would you do that?”

“I forgot, asshole! Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”

“I was a little busy trying not to get RAPED, in case you forgot!”

“Raped? Oh, fuck you, Squilliam, it was a joke.”

“Yeah, well…” Squilliam trailed off, looking down at the bed as more tears started to fall down his face.

“Oh…come on, Squilliam, I didn’t hurt you that bad, did I?”

The octopus didn’t speak, sobbing softly as he shook his head.

“Then…uh…” This was awkward. Squidward sighed, reaching over and awkwardly patting the other’s shoulder.

Only to have Squilliam draw away, slapping Squidward’s arm away. “Don’t touch me, peasant!”

What the hell? “Pardon me for trying to make you feel better.”

“Oh, you’re just trying to make me feel better, huh? Well, you can keep your touchy-feely crap to yourself, Squiddy. I’m not in the fucking mood.”

And then he was crying again. Shit. Squidward kept his hands to himself this time, though he wasn’t entirely sure how to react when Squilliam threw himself at Squidward’s chest, crying into his shirt.

“Um…there there…?”

“Don’t talk,” Squilliam managed to say between wheezes. “I don’t wanna think about the fact that I’m crying into your shirt.”

“Well, you wouldn’t have to think about that if-“

“I said don’t talk!”

Okay, this was getting out of hand. “You’re not supposed to be bossing me around. Need I remind you-“

“NO! You don’t have to remind me anything!” Squilliam pulled back, face pink, eyes puffy from crying, unibrow disheveled. “Why the hell do you think I’m crying, hmm? I don’t want to be dead! This SUCKS!”

“You sound like a teenager.”

“Shut up! It DOES suck, and you know it,” Squilliam fell away from his rival, wiping his eyes and groaning at the pain of his own skin. “And I hurt so bad, too. I thought ghosts weren’t supposed to have any sensation.”

“Uh…” Squidward’s eyes roamed the room, as though he’d find an explanation on one of his walls. “Yeah, um, your soul is greatly damaged from-“

He’d planned on saying “the snake”, until Squilliam interrupted him.

“From all my sins?”

“Sure, let’s go with that.”

“S-so I just have to bear the pain while you subject me to whatever you plan on doing to me until I can transcend this world?”

Squidward should have said yes. He should have taken Squilliam right then and there. Literally fucked him as payment for all the life-fucking Squilliam had subjected him to.

Except Squidward wasn’t a sadist. And his capacity for cruelty wasn’t nearly as large as he gave himself credit for.

“No,” Squidward murmured. “I’ll get you some aloe.” Then, as an afterthought, “And some clothes.”