Author's Note: The idea is based on an old challenge posted by NoDrogs. Ghost Files is one of the English titles for the anime. Dead and Hating It is a pathetic play at the movie title Dracula: Dead and Loving It. People not familiar with the anime should have no trouble following the story. This is also somewhat of a crackfic, so don't expect anything too serious to happen in this installment. Rated for cursing.

Summary: Kigo. KP with a Yu Yu Hakusho spin and a dash of crack. Shego died after being kicked into that tower. The good news? She can come back to life. The catch? A kiss from royal pain in the neck and beloved murderer: Kim Possible. What's a poor ghost to do?

Apply Standard Disclaimers Here

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Ghost Files: Dead and Hating It
Chapter One: Shego, You're Dead
By: P.D. Pirl [09/19-20/09]

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”Do you know what I really hate?”

“That your date melted?”

“Nah. You.”

“AAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Whoa, back up.

That was it? Those were her last words? AAAAAHHHHHHHH? Those weren't even words. It was a word. No, it wasn't even really a word. It was a bloody sound. It was a freakin' squeal; a pathetic, whiny, girly squeal. Girly! Shego was a lot of things; hot, sexy, gorgeous, bad – no, evil, got it? EVIL – but girly? No way. She was a damn fine lady, thank you very much.

So, then, what would have been the lady-like thing to say while you were flying to your death?

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts... FUCK YOU, TINKERBELL!

Okay, maybe not. How about her second-to-the-last words, then? Eh, good enough, it seemed perfect for that moment; Little Miss Priss' moment. But if Shego had any idea that she was going to die from it, then that was weak. There were so many other things she could have said. Things like...

'That you really can do anything, including---' Damn, hold that thought, being electrocuted... oh, nope, lost it. Next!

'That you think you're so perfect only a machine met your standards and you totally fell for it?' Zing!

'That your boobs are so pointy you probably gave Eric a pair of inverted nipples whenever you hugged?' Huh.

Maybe that last one was too much of a low blow. Pointy breasts? Where in the world did she get that idea?

Great, she was dying and all she could think about was the shape of her teen-aged murderer's breasts.

What a way to go.

Speaking of which, guess what? Dying hurt. It hurt like... Goddamn, it hurt like it was hurting right now because it did. Words are hard! Well, that just meant one thing. This was it. She was dying, all right, and she was going to die any minute. But right now would be awesome - hah, she was so Shego until her very last breath - because this hurts like a bitch. A bitch named Kimberly Ann Possible.

But that was when things got weird.

Really weird.

Kim must have kicked her really, really hard because it felt like she was literally punted out of her own body. There really was no other way to explain it. The last thing she could remember was, well, dying, then... that was a gray area, actually. She knew something happened between then and now, but she drew a blank. With her luck, it was probably something important.

Wait, hold it. Hold it!

She... died? Yeah, she died! Didn't she?

“What? No! Y-you're lying, you're lying!”

“Possible?” Shego growled the name with so much hate she had to wonder if the sound came out of her own mouth. For a moment, she wondered why she felt so much rage just from hearing Kim's voice, then it hit her. She killed me, doy! But if I'm dead, then... She saw Kim, still in her battle suit and still soaked from the rain, push people aside and gave Shego a clear view of... herself?

“Shego!” Kim cried, holding the body by the shoulders and shaking hard. “Come on, Shego! You're stronger than that, you couldn't have... it couldn't... I...” she trailed off, staring at Shego's face, as if she was waiting for Shego to open her eyes and drop a snide remark or two. When nothing came, Kim's hands trembled and she lost her grip. “Oh, God,” she sobbed. “Oh, my God.”

Shego stared at herself. Oh, yeah, she thought with a smirk, definitely dead. All right, fine, she was dead. But wait, that meant...

“Hi, Shego!”

Normally, Shego would have... would have, no, normally, nobody would have been able to sneak up on her. So, where was she? Oh, right. She would have moved, at least; jumped, side-stepped, cringed, twitched, anything! But when she tried to move, all she did was... float? So, okay, she floated away enough to see who it was that had the nerve to surprise her. “... Vivian Porter?”

“Good girl, you know who I am!”

A bubbly, giggly scientist snuck up on her? Oh, her bruised ego!

“What the fuck?”

Vivian Porter stared at her with those big, blue eyes of hers and frowned.

This gave Shego the time to notice a few more other things. Okay, first, she was floating; she felt weightless. A quick inspection revealed that she still had everything; toes, fingers – she wiggled them, you know – soft, silky hair, oh, yeah... what was she doing again? Right. She was wearing her catsuit but this one wasn't about to fall apart in shreds like the one her dead self had on. Okay, so, she was floating; about a few feet off the ground and... so was Vivian?

Vivian was now waving a hand in front of Shego's face. “Shego? Sha-”

“What?!” Shego barked, snapping back to reality when she almost heard her real name from a complete stranger. She wanted to ask so many questions, wanted to grab this weird little blonde woman and shake her until the yellow from her hair seeped into her brain, but her tongue was stuck at the roof of her mouth. It would probably help if she stopped glaring and growling at the blonde.

“Give us a hug,” Vivian chimed, drawing closer to Shego with open arms.

Shego kept growling like a cornered animal and tried to back up but Vivian was too fast. Soon, those thin arms were wrapped around her shoulders and that small, slender body was pressed up against hers. She stiffened at the sudden explosion of warmth she felt just from the simple contact and realized just now that before that, she felt very cold. Shego hardly felt cold. Yep, she sighed and let the woman hold her, definitely dead.

Vivian, feeling the stiff and tense body in her arms, started to hum soothingly and stroke the lovely dark hair. After a while, she moved her hands to Shego's shoulders and gently pulled from the embrace. “Feel better?”

Shego missed the warmth, but she just grunted and looked Vivian in the eye.

“Shego,” Vivian said in a soft, almost sad voice, “you're dead.”

“No, really?”

“Yes, I'm afraid so.”

For fuck's sake, she thought I was serious, Shego groaned. Goddamn blonde! “So, I'm dead,” she said, still sounding very sarcastic but it seemed to have flown over Vivian's head once again because the blonde just nodded solemnly. “Okay, whatever, I'm dead. What happens now? What's the deal? Am I a ghost? What does that make you?” Shego stopped the questions when she felt a particularly cold chill run up her spine as a thought came to her. “Are you the grim reaper?”

Vivian looked initially surprised at how quickly Shego adjusted to the idea of being dead but soon, she was back to her chipper self and pondered on the questions. “I guess so!”

Oh, Lord, the grim reaper is blonde! Shego tried – she really, really did and she didn't know why – but she couldn't hold back. She laughed, she laughed so hard she would bet that she could wake the dead; oh, she made a funny. Wake the dead! This is good enough to kill me! She made another funny! By now, she was rolling in the air, holding her sides and howling in laughter.

Vivian couldn't help but let go of a giggle or two. “You're cute,” she said, patting Shego on the head, “like a puppy.”

The grim reaper just called her a cute puppy. Trippy!

Shego started calming down shortly after the puppy comment and after a few more chuckles, she nudged at the hand on her hand. But the hand stayed there and kept stroking her. She snarled, “Yo, Grimmy, hands off.” Then again, that felt really nice and it wasn't like she was going to die from it. Heh, die. But she had her pride, damn it, and this woman was ogling over her like she really was a puppy.

Vivian just kept humming a tune, not the least bit afraid.

Duh, of course she wasn't afraid. She was the grim reaper for crying out loud! Though, who would have guessed that the grim reaper was so touchy-feely?

It felt like she was forgetting something. Oh, hey, look at that, Miss Priss was... crying? What the fuck? Yes, what the fuck, indeed. What the fuck crawled up her ass and died? Whoa, stop right there; really bad choice of words right now. She wanted to get in the cocky little redhead's face, poke her in the chest and gloat, but Kim looked so damn miserable that Shego just knew it wouldn't be any fun. But ohh, it was so tempting...

'Yeah, well, maybe you should have thought of that before you killed me, Kimmie.' Doy!

'Congratulations, Cupcake, you really can do anything, including something even I can't do – murder – welcome to the dark side!'

'So, are those cookies any good or are they bitter with the taste of your bullshit?' Ooh, temper!

No, Shego couldn't. Just by looking at Kim, she could tell that she already did the worst thing she could have ever done to the girl. She died on her. Heh. Who would have figured? Certainly not Shego. Kim killed her. She was dead and now Kim has to live with it for the rest of her life. But it was Kim's mistake. Suck it up and deal with it, Princess. The hand on her head suddenly felt a little heavier and Shego turned to find Vivian looking at Kim as well. “Grimmy?”

“Hmm?” Vivian gave Shego a little rub at the back of her neck and just kept watching Kim.

“What happens now?”

Vivian blinked, looking like she was lost to the world while she was running her fingers through Shego's hair. “Oh, how silly of me! I'm sorry, it's just that you were so cute.” She smiled when she got a snort in response and slowly pulled her hand away. “I'm a little rusty, it's been a while since I've done this.”

“Rusty? How can you be rusty? People die every single day! People are dying right the fuck now!”

“Silly Pup, I'm not the only one! Besides, I'm special! But so are you, so you get me!”

Shego's eye twitched at the nickname, but she let it slide in favor of a question. “Huh. Are they all blonde like you?”

“No. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering. Does that mean I'm a ghost?”

“You could say that.”

“Walk through walls, make objects float and scare people kind of ghost?”

“Now, now, let's not make your record worse.”

“Record?” Shego huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Uh-huh! We record all the good and bad things you've done, and don't think we'll stop just because you're dead so you better behave!”

“So, you're like Santa, only instead of giving me a lump of coal, you're going to send me to Hell?”

Vivian blinked at first, then she broke into a short giggle fit. “That's a very interesting way to put it, but when you think about it, yes! That's exactly what we do!” She held out her hand and in a flash, a large scythe materialized from thin air and fell right into her palm. She looked at Shego, who seemed to have turned a shade whiter, if that was at all possible, and opened her arms in offering. “Let's go, Pup, we've made the boss wait long enough.”

“Go where?” Shego squeaked, hoping it didn't sound like a whimper. Was Vivian going to loop her head off with that scythe? And then what? Would she, err, die? Again? Or would she go to Hell? Shego had no regrets but damn if she didn't feel like running away from that manic blonde with the sharp, pointy weapon. A warning would have been nice!

“To my boss,” Vivian answered, reaching out and grabbing the nervous Shego. She twisted the scythe in the air, sat on it like it was just a chair and pulled Shego to her. Without waiting for a response, she grabbed both of Shego's arms and wrapped them around her waist. “Hold on tight, people tell me I drive like a maniac.”

Drive? Maniac? What was this woman going on about?

Why did she just hear the sound of an engine going off?

“What do you mean dri--- AAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Goddamn it.

Dying has made her so girly.

“YOU? YOU'RE THE BOSS?! FUCK ME, I'M GOING TO HELL!”

That was all it took, really; that was all she needed. So, with a pathetic attempt to muffle an obnoxious cackle, Betty Director unceremoniously fell off her chair, laughing her glorified Global Justice ass off at the expense of a sputtering, stupefied Shego. Betty knew this was coming, she knew, but good God, even if she ate a million depressed, suicidal mimes, there was just no way she could keep a straight face after seeing Shego's reaction.

Shego, too furious and insulted to really think, ignited her hands and made a move to grab Betty by the neck. But her hands just went through the laughing woman and even through the floor. “Oh, come on! That is not fucking fair, at least let me wring your skinny little neck while you laugh in my fucking face!” Her face was hurting from sneering so much, her hands were shaking and she was just so damn pissed that she felt like she was going to explode.

Betty stared and just laughed harder. She didn't even know Shego's face could twist and stretch like that! Dear God, it was funny.

“Betty!”

Uh-oh.

Before Betty could pick herself up from the floor, she was grabbed by the collar of her shirt and was soon face to face with Vivian. Vivian scowled in a way that would make Shego proud. “You will stop this childish behavior right now, you understand?” Her grip tightened and she seemed to easily lift Betty off the ground and gave the boss – her boss – a few good shakes. “Or I will tell your mother.”

Betty yelped, “I'll be good!”

“Good!” Vivian smiled brightly, tapped Betty on the nose and let her go. A flash of light covered her entire body and her feet, which had been touching the ground when she was man-handling her boss, now drifted off the floor and she slowly made her way towards Shego. “Shh,” she tried to soothe the still enraged young woman, calmly placing her hand at the top of Shego's head and ruffling her hair a little. It was enough to make the fire go away, so Vivian was happy. “Now, let's try this again,” she said, fixing Betty with a brief glare, “like adults.”

Betty climbed back on her seat and cleared her throat, meaning to catch Shego's attention. But then she didn't need to since Shego was still glaring at her, and really, if looks could kill and if she could actually die... Betty coughed uncomfortably when Vivian eyed at her again and she tried to stifle another laugh. “I apologize for my behavior, I was...” she paused, struggling for words, “not prepared.”

Shego snorted, “Whatever.”

Betty took a deep breath. “Shego.”

“Yeah?” Shego tried to sound bored, but her mind was already getting ahead of her.

'Shego, you're going to Hell and I'm going to enjoy this. Buh-bye now, muhaha!' Oh, BITCH!

'Shego, the color green does not exist in Hell! Pink does, though! Enjoy!' Noooo!

'Shego, guess what, Satan's gay and he needs a new butt plug!' WHAT?

“Shego.”

“Just spit it out!”

“Shego, you're dead.”

What?

Seriously?

“You don't say? DOY. I KNOW. I WAS THERE.”

What is wrong with these people?!

“Let me finish.” Betty hissed, her one good eye twitching. “You're dead, but it was an accident.”

“Save the bullshit for the press.”

“Betty, will you please just get straight to the point? You're having way too much fun getting her worked up.” Vivian tilted her head from behind Shego to look her boss in the eye and mouthed a threat that nearly made Betty sink in her seat. Satisfied, she went back to combing Shego's hair with her fingers. There was a grunt of disapproval, but that was it.

Damn, that woman knows me too well. Betty tried not to smirk and turned her attention back to Shego. “As I was saying, it was an accident. You weren't supposed to die.” When all she got was a blank if not confused look, she spoke again. “You heard me, Shego. It wasn't your time to go; we didn't plan it; you screwed it up.” She sighed after the last statement, feeling a really heavy weight fall on her shoulders as she considered her own words. “Damn it, Shego,” she groaned, “why do you have to be a pain in my ass in death?”

It was Shego's turn to laugh and Goddamn, it felt good.

“It's really not funny,” Betty muttered, throwing a seething glare at Shego's direction but only getting more laughter in response, “you cannot imagine the paperwork I have to do because you decided to die today.”

Ex-fucking-cuse me?

So now it was her fault? The nerve of that woman!

Shego rolled her eyes. “'Cause I totally wanted Miss Priss to off me. Good one, Santa!”

Betty, caught off guard by the nickname, mumbled, “Santa?”

Vivian covered her mouth with one hand, her shoulders shaking. She was imagining Betty, round and jolly like St. Nick, rubbing her massive belly and going, “Ho, ho, ho!” She inched closer to Shego, buried her face into the young woman's rich, dark hair and tried in vain to muffle her laughter.

“Oh, yeah, I've been a really, really naughty girl,” Shego snickered, amused at how hard Vivian was still trying not to bust out the giggles. “So, Santa, am I going to Hell?”

Might as well enjoy the trip there.

Still not making the connection between her job and the nickname that obviously made Vivian laugh, Betty just shrugged. “Believe me, Shego, if I could do that, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of cheating my own system as that would upset the, ahh... powers that be---”

Vivian, having finally regained some of her composure, coughed, “Her mother.”

“The powers that be that will end all life as we know it when crossed,” Betty said in a louder, more commanding voice. “I must do my job. Now, Shego, since your death was an accident, then I have no right to decide the fate of your soul. However, we can't have you wandering around as a ghost, so it has been decided that you will be given a chance to live again.”

“Were you going to send me to Hell?”

Vivian hiccuped, “Pup!”

“What? I want to know! And stop calling me that!”

“I wasn't going to send you anywhere yet, Shego.”

“You're a pussy, Santa.”

“PUP.” This time, the warning was accompanied by a painful tug on the ear.

“What?!”

Vivian frowned. “Pup, honestly...”

“Fine, whatever. What do I have to do? And leggo my ear!”

“It's not so much as what you have to do; it's more of what needs to be done for you. When you died, the link between your body and your soul was nearly severed and you only have about two weeks before that link is completely broken. We're going to need the help of another human being to bring you back. Vivian and I are clearly out of the question, seeing as how we only have human guises. Give me a about a day to arrange for your body to be in the hands of your family.”

Shego tried to sneer, but instead she frowned and took a deep breath. “I was hoping I could come back before they had to know.”

Is that a heart I see? Betty squashed the thought before she gave it a voice. “That leaves us with the last problem. There's only one way to bring you back from the dead, Shego.”

“What is it?” Shego muttered, distracted.

“A kiss.”

“A WHAT?”

“A kiss, and I'm not done.” Betty repeated without a flinch. “Not just any kiss will bring you back, there's a certain, hmm, shall we say spiritual bond that needs to be taken into account. Your body, or your soul for that matter, won't respond to just anyone.” Betty was tripping on her own words now, her chest rumbling with yet another hearty guffaw she had to hold down. “It needs to be someone who has somehow... established the strongest connection to you right before you died.”

Start the countdown.

Three.

Two...

“WHAT?!”

“I didn't stutter.”

“YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!”

“Now, Shego, this isn't meant to spite you at all. It is by pure chance that the person who happened to be closest to you is also your... murderer. Oh, dear,” Betty feigned a gasp and put her hand over her mouth, mostly to cover the huge grin that was starting to show, “that is awkward, isn't it?”

“FUCK YOU WHERE THE RED-NOSED REINDEER DON'T SHINE, SANTA.”

“You have been a bad girl!”

Vivian looked at Shego, red – green? - in the face with the flames crawling up to her elbows, then at Betty, who was already sinking in her chair, ready to fall right back on the floor and laugh. It would have been really funny if she wasn't caught in the middle of the whole thing. Oh, screw it, who was she kidding? This was hilarious!