PART ELEVEN

FALLOUT 2

Ianto rolled onto his back and ended up staring into the light fittings that hung from the tiled ceiling of the autopsy bay. He lay there unblinking for a long time, vaguely aware of someone moving about in his peripheral vision. The sound of metal instruments being moved about echoed around the sterile space, the sound was irritating, but Ianto ignored it. He found a dark stain on the tiles above and tried to decide how old the grime up there actually was, it would need to be cleaned. With that thought in mind he lurched upright and immediately his head swam with nausea and sweat broke out on his skin, making him shiver with the chill. The world phased out for a moment.

"...... alright?....Ianto mate."

Owen's grating London accent filtered through and all Ianto could do was gag was like a fish for a moment. He felt hands steadying him. "Alright take your time." None of Owen's usual brusqueness was evident.

"I need to get up." Ianto rasped and the steadying hands became firm ones.

"Sorry mate, no can do, you're on bed rest for another 48 hours. Your heart rhythm is still irregular because your sodium levels are still too low. What do you need?"

Ianto suddenly looked down at himself and realised he was dressed in surgical scrubs and not his suit.

"What happened? What......." He trailed off when the memory hit him like a sledge hammer. Ianto heaved and then vomited with no warning, covering Owen and the floor at his feet.... "Oh, God.... I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

Owen grimaced but kept his comments to himself. "It's alright Tea Boy, that was probably the sedative I gave you."

Ianto made to get off the bed. "I'll clean it up."

Owen held him fast. "No, you won't. You're to rest. I mean it Ianto." He ordered firmly.

Ianto blinked at him. Owen sighed at the lost look on the younger man's face. "Come on mate, settle down, I'll get you some water." Owen gently nudged him back so he had to lie down again and Ianto went back to looking at the Victorian ceiling.

"Where's Storm?"

Owen was at the sink. "He's wrapped in that teddy bear blanket in draw 16."

Ianto rolled onto his side and watched the medic as he approached with the water.

"I feel terrible Owen. It's like when Lisa died." His voice broke and renewed tears found their way out. "How could I love someone I didn't even know, that I...... I mean he wasn't family or even human for fucks sake."

Owen placed the mug down that he had filled and stood there looking down at his sick covered lab coat, wishing he could find something funny about the situation.

"I don't think we get to choose who we love, it just happens, whether we want it or not."

Ianto would not have looked out of place with his thumb stuck in his mouth.

"I'm so tired of hurting. Sometimes I wonder what I did in a previous life to deserve all this shit. Everything I touch dies, everyone I love."

Owen didn't know where to put himself and he was eternally grateful for Jack's appearance on the gallery level. He came down the steps two at a time, taking in Owen's messy clothes and the acrid smell of sick rising from the medic and the spatter pattern on the floor.

"Owen go get a shower, I'll clean this up."

Owen didn't hesitate.

Ianto drifted on a haze of partial wakefulness as Jack got busy with a mop and bucket and pine disinfectant. His movements were a blur in Ianto's eye line and he vaguely decided to himself that the sedative must still be making foggy in the head. He was startled out of his reverie by warm fingers carding through his hair and gently massaging the base of his skull and neck, releasing days old tension. Jack's comforting scent was all around him.

"I miss him Jack. Is it bad of me to miss him, do I have that right?"

Fingers strayed round to his cheek, gently stroking. "You have every right. You love so powerfully Ianto, it is a beautiful gift." Jack's soft tones assured him. "I wish I was capable of a quarter of the compassion that you share so innately, so selflessly."

"It's like I am in an empty room, like there's no sound, or.... or.... I can't explain it."

"Don't try, it's just loss Ianto." The touch went away and Ianto saw Jack draw up a stool and sit at his side. "I told Tosh and Gwen what happened."

Ianto huffed out a breath. "Bet they hate me."

The soft touches to his cheek came back, warmth spreading through his body from the contact.

"No. No one hates you. I think Gwen was a little shocked at me for allowing it to happen, but they both understand. You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"I took the life of a child Jack."

"Yes and saved it from suffering, these things are never clear cut Ianto, but the right choice was made, you mustn't let this consume you."

Ianto's eyes slid shut. "I'm sorry I let him down."

Jack was frowning. "In what way?"

"I wasn't strong enough, I was useless really."

"You are right, you weren't strong enough, but there's no fault there it's likely none of us would have been strong enough and you are never useless Ianto. Whatever would make you think that?"

Ianto shook his head. "I don't want to talk any more."

Jack sighed worriedly. "Ok, you hungry?"

Another shake of the head and Jack continued to sooth his hands through Ianto's hair as the younger man drifted into a doze. Jack turned on hearing heals on the steps. Gwen came down proffering a mug of tea and Jack took it with a brief smile.

"How is he?"

Jack shrugged. "I'm not sure, not so good. He's gonna need some time to come to terms. Torchwood has a habit of breaking people down bit by bit. Ianto's had more than his fair share."

Gwen couldn't argue with that. "He doesn't like to share, does he." She commented stepping around the other side of the cot and pulling up the cotton blanket to cover Ianto. She fussed over it for a moment. "He's so damaged Jack, even before this."

Jack sighed and half wondered if Gwen knew something he didn't. "When I was away with the Doctor, did you and Ianto talk at all?"

Gwen met his question with a wide eyed look. "No, well not about personal things. He was always very supportive of my taking charge, did all he could to help, but he never 'talked'. I really don't know him at all."

"Neither do I."

"What's bothering you Jack?"

Was it that obvious? "It's him. I mean I know all about you, Owen and Tosh, but Ianto? Nothing other than vague references to his family. I think there's some bad history there, but he won't open up."

Gwen stood back a pace and folded her arms. "Sounds like someone else I know."

Jack arched his eyebrows and his reply was halted by his phone ringing. Jack was quietly grateful and he stepped away to answer the call.

"Doc?..... You're where? Right hold on, be right there."

Jack pocketed his phone and raced off before Gwen could get a word in. She contented herself with taking Jack's place on the stool and holding Ianto's left hand.

It was cold out on the Plas and the old familiar blue police box looked as miserable as Jack felt as he strode towards it and the man leaning against it. The Doctor looked thoroughly disappointed by the reception from his former companion. They stood some metres apart facing one another, coats billowing in the strident wind.

"I came as soon as I could Jack, want to tell me what's up?" Was the only greeting the Doctor could come up with.

Jack looked out across in the direction of Cardiff Bay. "You're about 24 hours too late."