|On the Contrary
Author: snappleducated PM
In which Luna and Draco find themselves temporarily engaged. Luna does not particularly care. Draco throws a tantrum. Pansy is on the warpath, Hermione is outraged, Ginny is mocking, Ron is amused, and Harry is just horny.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Draco M. & Luna L. - Words: 2,394 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 110 - Follows: 11 - Published: 09-23-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5397861
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Entitled: On the Contrary
Fandom: Harry Potter
Length: 2,600 words
Setting: Book Five?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Except in the sense that it was like, my childhood.
Notes: So I was talking about this pairing with pandastacia. And then I had this sudden, beautiful image of Draco's reaction to it. So then I had a sadistic laughing fit. And then, two months later, I finally got around to writing something for it.
Draco knew something bad was going to happen when his father asked him, very casually, "So, Draco. I trust you are acquainted with the Lovegood girl?" in a sort of ominous and vaguely threatening way. Draco squinted at his father suspiciously. He took a bite of his dinner while he puzzled over his father's words. He wondered, in the way that teenage boys are apt to wonder, if there was some sort of hidden innuendo in that question.
"A bit," he said, finally, and scrutinized his parents for some hint. They both focused placidly on the meals set before them, spooning bite after unobtrusive bite into their mouths. Draco fidgeted. Narcissa sighed.
"Why do you ask?" he finally hedged. There were a lot of extremely worrisome ideas sprinting through his head just then. Ideas he did not approve of in the slightest.
"No reason," Lucius blinked languidly, "Eat your peas."
"I hate peas," Draco sulked. Lucius sent him a warning look. Draco ate his peas, and he did so in the most openly unhappy fashion he could achieve.
Utterly oblivious of the hall's scandalized looks, Luna plopped down next to Draco and observed him with her huge, curious eyes, "Good morning," she greeted the invisible demons riding Pansy's shoulder politely before turning her attention towards Draco, "Our parents are trying to set us up, you know."
Pansy spat up a bit of her dinner roll. Draco's nose wrinkled. "Did you hit your head again, Lovegood?"
Luna nibbled on his bacon, appearing not to notice the tiny seizure Pansy was having—or even that she now had the undivided attention of the entire breakfast hall. "I didn't believe it either. I mean, daddy had always said that you were an unattractive, inbred stoat." She delivered this montage quite innocently, and paused then to stroke her chin in thought, "…Funny, isn't it?"
"No." Draco snarled, and jerked his plate away from her. Luna blinked at him.
"Oh," she pulled out a Muggle comic book, turned it upside down, put on a pair of star-framed glasses, and began reading, "I thought it was amusing."
Draco waited for her to leave. She didn't.
"Draco," Pansy leaned over the table, her eyes narrowed, "We need to talk."
Draco responded to the problem by denying its existence for as long as he possibly could. This method, while generally excellent in the cases of smaller issues, was utterly ineffective in the face of one Hermione Granger.
She grabbed him by the tie and dragged him down until they were at face level. "Alright, Malfoy," she hissed, "I don't know what game you're playing, but it ends now."
Draco made a frantic, flapping motion to indicate a lack of oxygen. Hermione either didn't understand him or simply relished causing him pain. Stupid mudblood. He was so going to tell his dad about this.
"I don't know what," Hermione snarled coldly, "It is about you, but it seems like you have a certain—" she struggled briefly, "Well. You are a vile philanderer and it was bad enough having to listen to Lavender and Parvati, but I am not going to have you breaking poor Luna's heart as well. Honestly, Draco," she glared at him, "Restrain yourself."
Draco squeaked. It was as close to a scathing retort as he could manage. Hermione sent him another black look and then shoved him away, sniffing primly. "I'm glad we had this little chat. Please never speak to me again."
And she swept dramatically away. Draco silently relished the gum stuck to the sole of her shoe.
Things were obviously getting out of control, and it was up to him to make sure they did not progress further. Obviously the entire thing was some sort of joke. Yes, that had to be it—his parents were probably upset over the fire whiskey he'd nabbed last summer. Yes. Yes, of course.
Father, Draco wrote, There seems to be a rumor circulating concerning myself and the Lovegood girl. Purely nonsense, of course, but I just wanted to check…
He got his response the next day, Draco, I must advise you to put your best foot forwards in situations such as these.
Draco read it twice. And then he burned it.
Father, Draco wrote, I must ask you to explain.
Draco, his father's handwriting had begun to look almost frighteningly exact, You must learn to content yourself with the sacrifices necessary to preserving the purity of our blood.
Draco wondered if maybe this was some sort of test. Hysteria simply would not do. He was also quite certain that Pansy could not ever, ever find out about this. No, wait, he was being silly. His parents were not unreasonable people.
He penned his father these sentiments, and received a prompt reply. Draco, his father lectured, At least she's blonde.
Luna had only just set foot in the great hall when she was accosted by Ginny. "Luna," Ginny seized her blonde friend's arm and steered her towards the fire, "Come and sit with us, won't you?"
"Oh, that's terribly nice of you, Gin," Luna said seriously, "But I couldn't possibly. I'm weak to flarians, you know."
"Flarians?" Ginny repeated. Luna nodded grimly, sending the merry fire a black glare before hurriedly looking away.
"They're fire demons," she explained, "If you get too close to them, they can impregnate you. Particularly if you're a boy."
Harry and Ron looked at one another. "Oh, suck it up," Hermione muttered into her teacup.
"Oh, that's right," Luna dug into her bag, "Daddy just sent me these. They're protection against impregnation!" she marched over to Ron and stuffed the crown of his head into a condom, before donning her own quite seriously. She turned towards Harry purposefully, only to have him recoil.
"I'm good, thanks," he laughed nervously, "I've, er, I've got my own."
"Harry," Hermione looked scandalized.
"Alright then, Weasley?" Draco drawled from behind the five of them. They all turned to witness him posing impressively, his dinner plate held flat on one hand as he smirked at them. "Is that some sort of rain hat for poor people?"
"Sod off, Malfoy," Ron grunted, "At least I won't be the one getting impregnated."
Malfoy abruptly stopped laughing, and simply stared at him, "What?"
"Draco," Luna sighed, "I would really appreciate it if you'd be nice to my friends."
Draco blatantly ignored this. Hermione fixed Draco with her most rabid glare. Draco sneered back, "Got a crush on me, Granger?"
It took both Harry and Ginny to restrain her. They exchanged a smoldering look over her head. Ron choked on his pudding and kicked Harry in the shins, "I saw that."
"Draco, really," Luna's voice took on an uncharacteristically firm tone, "If this is ever going to work out, you're going to have to respect me."
There was a slight pause, before Hermione gathered her wits and managed to transfigure Draco into a maggot. "What did you tell her!?"
"You," Pansy put her face very close to Luna's, "Had better stay away from my Drakey-kins."
"It's Draco, Pansy," Draco muttered. Pansy did not appear to hear this. Luna regarded the older girl thoughtfully.
"Your nose is very interesting!" she said happily and without the slightest trace of malevolence. Pansy's hand twitched upwards towards her face, before she stuffed it back to her side.
"At least I've got eyebrows," Pansy snipped. Draco was quickly becoming bored with their catfight. Probably because he had no real desire in seeing either of them naked.
"Draco," Luna chirped, "Is this girl with the eyebrows your friend?"
"Don't call me that!"
"Pansy," Draco said tiredly, "Give it up."
"You got me? Stay away from my boyfriend!"
"Pansy, I told you to let it go!"
"But I can't stay away from Draco," Luna said placidly, "We're engaged."
"No," Pansy denied, "You're not."
"I'm sorry," Luna apologized, "He can still be your boyfriend. I don't mind."
"Oh," Pansy blinked at her, "Well, that's…that's good."
"I'm not going out with either of you!" Draco yelled. He was duly ignored. Ginny clucked her tongue at him, smirking a little.
"Girl troubles, Malfoy?"
"Shut it, number seven." Draco frowned at her. Stupid Ginny. It wasn't fair that the hot ones always ended up being his mortal enemies.
"—sure he's got some redeeming qualities," he heard Luna muse, "I mean, he's very…tall."
Ginny grinned at him. "Come on, Luna."
"It was nice meeting you!" Luna waved vaguely towards Pansy before she skipped off after Ginny. Pansy watched her go, a look of supreme disgust writ across her features.
"Nutter," she said, not at all quietly, before glancing up at Draco, "Fancy a snog?"
Draco pressed his lips together, one pale hand coming up to cover his mouth, "Can't. I've got scurvy."
"'S not contagious, is it?" Pansy yelled after his hastily retreating figure.
"So, Luna," Ron shoved several forkfuls of potato to the inner pocket of his cheek, "Are you really going to marry that git?"
"Onnud I." Luna shrugged. Ron stared at her, his mouth open. Hermione looked supremely revolted.
"Sorry?" he asked weakly. Luna smiled at him placating. Ron sat and was thoroughly confused. "What's she on now?" he asked Harry. Harry snapped out of his reverie.
Ron narrowed his eyes, "Were you thinking about my sister naked?"
"No!" Harry said indignantly, "I was thinking about Cho!" he turned a bit pink at this, and went back to his biscuits with all the heroic intensity he possessed. Ron thought about this for a while.
"Oh. Well, that's alright then."
"If by 'alright' you mean horribly offensive and degrading females to little more than animated sex toys, then yes," Hermione riffled through her homework, "It is more than alright."
"Tepmurts a eb t'nod." Luna advised happily. Hermione scowled at her. Ron moaned.
"She's speaking backwards, guys," Harry informed his breakfast. Ron and Hermione processed this. Hermione abruptly straightened, looking deeply offended.
"Did you just call me a strumpet?" she shrilled, while Ron guffawed.
"Lovegood," Malfoy knocked Ron off the bench and took his seat without batting an eyelash, "We need to talk."
"Yako." Luna didn't look up. Malfoy was utterly unimpressed by this.
"I have contacted my father," he said with a good deal of strain, "And it has come to my attention that. Well. You are quite blonde."
"Llat yrev era uoy." Luna said graciously. Malfoy made a face. Ron tackled him. They had a brief but intense scuffle.
"Would you be interested in founding an advanced literature club with me?" Hermione prodded Harry with what may have been her last shreds of faith for humanity. Harry looked up from arranging his potatoes. They looked less like a volcano and more like a woman's breast.
"Want to antagonize Umbridge with me?" he asked after a very long pause. Hermione pursed her lips, raised one eyebrow, and crossed her arms. Harry waited.
"Oh, why not?"
"Luna," Ginny tapped the blonde girl's shoulder, feeling only slightly guilty for having interrupted her studies, "Can I copy your potions work?"
"Okay," Luna smiled, already reaching into her bag, "Your sweater's lovely, Gin." She beamed at it. Ginny glanced down, and then made a face.
"It's the one mom always makes," she sighed, plucking at her sleeve, "I could get one for you, if you'd like."
"With an L? I'd like that," Luna smiled, a true smile, and Ginny found herself softening, wishing she'd spent more time with Luna in the past week.
"Been okay, Luna?"
"Oh, yes," Luna shrugged, "Draco's been telling Umbridge I have head problems, so they don't care if I wander around at night anymore."
Ginny was not totally sure what to say about this. "He's a prat, Luna."
"A sordid little tit, yeah," Ginny stretched, "You still engaged, then?"
"Oh, I dunno," Luna shrugged, "I don't write home much."
"It doesn't bother you, though?" Ginny was struck by a sudden, horrible thought, "You don't like him, do you?" She searched Luna's expression earnestly. Luna blinked at her.
"Of course not," she said calmly, "He's a mermaid."
Ginny busied herself with trying to think of a word stronger than 'no.'
"Draco's not engaged to Lovegood anymore!" Pansy crowed to the entire dining hall.
"Oh, suck it," Draco whispered under his breath. Luckily for him, Umbridge did not hear this. Harry did. The two shared a quiet moment of early-morning, angst-driven crabbiness.
"Broke it off with Luna, have you?" Harry asked coolly.
"Probably our parents. Something about superior breeding."
"Right." Harry buttered his scone, "So, you're going back to Pansy now?"
Draco shuddered faintly. Harry grinned. "Heard Cho dumped you," Draco threw out spitefully, if only to watch Potter's lip curl. They glared at one another.
"Ms. Parkinson!" Umbridge simpered, "It is not appropriate to discuss such matters publicly, and most certainly not at school!"
"Hello Harry," Luna fluttered past, "Draco."
"Hi, Luna," they chorused. She sat down and quietly stole Draco's bacon. He was more than used to this and so tolerated it with fairly good humor.
"Pansy's so excited," Luna mused, "But she reckons there's going to be an outbreak of flarians, soon. I leant her some of my protective equipment." She sipped at her tea, the early morning sunlight dusting the tips of her hair a sweet and pure gold. "Be careful you aren't impregnated," she advised seriously. Harry coughed ecstatically. Draco crawled under the table.