Disclaimer: All characters and things from ANGEL and BUFFY belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. If they aren't on the show they belong to me.

Summary: A change of events during “You’re Welcome” puts Angel on a different path; a path by himself. But can the one person he thought was gone make the difference for him now?

CHAPTER 4

Angel staggered down the stairs of the Hyperion Hotel, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. It was almost sunset and his day was just beginning. It had been three days since Cordelia’s last vision and visit to the hotel. Angel was beginning to think she was not going to come back.

In a way, that though killed Angel. Truthfully, he missed her like crazy. He knew he loved Cordelia, completely, but aside from that, she was his best friend. Now, he was all alone. Years ago, that was how Angel liked things, but now it made him feel almost empty.

He moved to the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of blood and then moving to the spice cabinet. He wanted to through some cinnamon in his blood like Cordelia used to do for him, but when he opened the cabinet he found none.

“Buy cinnamon.” Angel said out loud to himself, sighing and taking a swig of his blood he sulked back into the lobby, tossing his strong body onto the couch. He was miserable.

But he deserved it. Angel knew the only way to keep everyone he cared about safe and still fulfill his mission for the Powers That Be was to be alone. Aside from Cordelia, the souled vampire had truly cut himself off from humanity, something Doyle had warned him to never do. But that was years ago, and Doyle was proof why Angel needed to be alone. When people got around Angel, they only got killed.

Cordelia moved through the aisle of the supermarket, tossing a few boxes of pasta into her basket and sighing. She had been out looking for supplies for Angel Investigations. Whether Angel wanted it or not, she was starting the business back up, after all, she needed to pay the bills. She really felt he couldn’t argue with her anyway since he had said he wanted things to go back to the way they were at the beginning and at the beginning Angel Investigations existed.

As Cordelia scanned the shelves for a jar of sauce, she felt a slight tap on her shoulder. She turned quickly to find Wesley standing behind her.

“Wes?” Cordelia smiled at her old friend.

“Cordelia, how are you?” Wesley asked.

“Okay, busy…yourself?” Cordelia asked awkwardly. She was glad to see a familiar face, but still a little bitter about how Wesley had abandoned Angel.

“Same.” Wesley fidgeted, feeling the discomfort between them.

After a beat, Cordelia could not take it anymore. “Why would you guys walk out on Angel?”

“What?” Wesley was caught off guard by the question. “We didn’t.”

“Then what do you call what you did do?” Cordelia asked.

“Cordy, you have no idea how much Angel has changed since…well since your coma.” Wesley told her. “When he lost you and we got really into our work at Wolfram and Hart, he changed.”

“You all did.” Cordelia snapped back. “Because before that place none of you would have walked away from him as easily as you did a few weeks ago.”

“Angel made his choice…” Wesley started.

“And you all made yours.” Cordelia told him.

“We did what Angel asked us to do.” Wesley said.

“Since when has that ever been a good idea?” Cordelia snapped.

Wesley shook his head. “We can’t save Angel anymore, not if he doesn’t want to save himself. He seems hell-bent on rotting away miserably and I cannot let him take me with him, not this time.”

“So you just give up?” Cordelia asked.

“On Angel? I don’t see any other option.” Wesley told her truthfully. “On the fight? No. In fact, I am heading to London in a few days to help Giles out. I am sure I will be of more assistance there.”

Cordelia nodded. She understood Wesley’s line of thinking, but it didn’t mean she did not want to smack him for it. “Well, Angel Investigations is starting back up.”

“Angel is okay with that?” Wesley asked, curiously.

Cordelia shrugged. “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Wesley nodded, realizing Cordelia’s efforts would probably be useless. “Well, keep me posted on that.”

“Sure.” Cordelia sighed.

“I mean it, Cordy.” Wesley put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re still one of my dearest friends. It’s just, this is where are paths diverge.”

Cordelia nodded after a minute. She understood. “And you’re still one of my best friends.”

Wesley gave her a little smile. “Good. Well, I need to be going…”

“Sure.” Cordelia nodded. “Good luck in England. Tell Giles ‘hello’ for me.”

“I will.” Wesley nodded. “And if you see Gunn or Fred or Lorne tell them I wish them the best.”

“You haven’t talked to them?” Cordelia was surprised.

“No.” Wesley seemed to say sadly. “Good luck, Cordelia.”

“You too.” Cordelia gave Wesley one last wave as she watched him turn out of the aisle. She sighed, realizing just how much her world had been rocked. All of the people she considered her family were moving on in different directions, and the man she loved, the vampire with a soul, didn’t want her to be a part of his life.

Angel put the last of his good swords in the weapons cabinet and sighed. He was bored. He had already cleaned and rearranged the weapons, and swept up the entire lobby. He looked around for something else to do, and realized that there was not much else going on. He shook his head, he had never been this bored at the Hyperion before. Then, he realized, that was only because he had never been really alone in the Hyperion before.

Angel moved, tossing the last of the old files off the counter and into a box. He would throw them away when the sun went down, which would be soon.

Suddenly, the door to the hotel opened, and Angel turned expecting to find Cordelia, but he was wrong.

Eve marched into the hotel, hands on her hips. “Angel.”

“Eve.” Angel clenched his jaw. “Get out.”

“Not finished with you yet.” Eve told him.

“Yes you are. I quit Wolfram and Hart, now you leave me alone.” Angel was clearly angry at Eve’s presence in the hotel.

“Well, that’s what this is about.” Eve told him.

“I have no reason not to kill you anymore.” Angel moved forward.

Eve countered every step the vampire made, but never once lost her wave of confidence. “You don’t get to just walk out.”

“Well, I did, and so did everyone else.” Angel told her.

“We aren’t concerned with everyone else. The Senior Partners are only concerned with you.” Eve said. “They do not want this contract terminated, nor are they willing to allow it.”

“Too bad, just I am done with them and you.” Angel was in her face now. “Now, get out.”

“Fine.” Eve gave a slight smirk. “They figured that’s how you would feel so they wanted to remind you about something, or someone rather, that you care about.”

Angel turned his back to Eve. “I don’t care about anyone anymore.”

“Connor.” Eve said simply.

At the mention of his son’s name, Angel turned back to the woman. “What about Connor?”

“You didn’t think you could just walk out and we would keep Connor safe and in his new little world, did you?” Eve asked.

Angel hadn’t really thought much of it. He had been so angry that he had lost Cordelia that he did not stop to think about Connor. “What are you saying?”

“I am saying you break this contract and Connor goes back to being the lunatic son he was before.” Eve smirked. “Can you live with that, daddy?”

Angel thought for a minute. He couldn’t go back to Wolfram and Hart. He realized the only reason the Senior Partner’s wanted him back was to stop him from helping people and he knew, more than ever with Cordelia being brought back for him, that being a part of that law firm was not in his cards. The Powers needed him, and he needed his redemption. He sensed this was one of the few times he had left to really make a decision to effect someone’s life; his son’s. He had tried to save Connor before, and the only way he managed to do it was by using Wolfram and Hart. Angel realized now, nothing good could come from that. He had saved his son with evil but now he knew it had helped no one really. If Connor was going to destroy himself, Angel realized, he could no longer stop his son, help his son. Angel knew he could not save Connor anymore then he had been able to save Cordelia. He had to step back, and allow life to take its course.

Finally, Angel looked back at Eve. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“All you have to do is get your butt back in your office and the Senior Partners will forget this whole thing.” Eve told him.

Hearing that the only way to fix it was to obey the Senior Partners only confirmed for Angel that he could not do it; he could not save Connor this time. He would have to take his chances and hope his son understood, and if not, he would have to give Connor the peace he had always deserved. “I can’t.”

“Then Connor is out of our hands.” Eve said.

“Fine.” Angel nodded. “Now get out.” He turned away from Eve.

Eve realized that the conversation was over and so she left the brooding vampire in his hotel. She had not planned on things going like that, and she realized that Angel really had changed. His care and spark for others seemed to have vanished, which Eve had never thought would ever happen. This could either be really good for Wolfram and Hart, or really bad. She knew time would tell which was true.

Cordelia placed her grocery bags down on her kitchen table and began unpacking them, grabbing all of the frozen food and moving to the kitchen with it. As she moved toward the refrigerator, the freezer door opened.

“Thanks, Dennis.” Cordelia said out loud, knowing her ghost had opened the freezer for her. “So you will not believe who I saw today in the store. Wesley!” She continued to unpack. “It was weird, he was weird. It was like seeing a completely different person than the Wes I remember. He is heading to London and…”

Cordelia never finished the thought as the vision came exploding into her head. She fell to the floor as the images ran through her mind, causing her to cry out in pain.

After a moment the vision was over, and Cordelia lay very still on her kitchen floor, allowing all of the information and pain from her vision to sink in. Tears welled up in her eyes and she couldn’t tell if it was from the searing pain or what she had seen.

Slowly, Cordelia stood, moving to the door and knowing she had to get to Angel immediately. Her vision would be important to him. Her vision was of Connor. She could not see what was to happen to Angel’s lost son, but she knew that it was something bad and had something to do with fire. As far as she knew, Connor could not remember Angel, but Cordelia had a feeling that would not stop the souled-vampire from helping his son.

Angel sat on the couch in the lobby holding a tattered picture in his hand. It was the one of Cordelia holding Connor on her birthday right before she had turned into a demon, with him hovering over her and his son. They both had smiles on their faces and Angel realized only now the love he had for Cordelia had been shining in his eyes that day, but he had not noticed it.

Angel had kept the picture in his back pocket since the day he had signed on at Wolfram and Hart, and even after he had left the firm, the picture had not left his pocket. He found it odd, since he was trying so hard to push Cordelia away, that he would keep a picture of her with him, but it always made him smile. Now the picture brought sadness to the vampire because it reminded him of his son. The son he could not save this time.

Angel did not even hear the door to the Hyperion Hotel open, he was so wrapped up in his thoughts.

“Angel!” Cordelia was out of breath.

Immediately Angel looked up to see the woman he loved running at him. “What?” He asked casually, trying not to let her see he was worried about her as he quickly slipped the picture in his pocket.

“I had a vision.” Cordelia sat down next to Angel.

“And?” Angel was relieved to hear she had a vision. He needed something to get his mind off of Connor.

“And after the pain stopped throbbing in my head I came right over here…” Cordelia was trying to figure out how to explain her vision to Angel without making him panic, which is what she assumed he would do the second he found out it was about Connor.

“The pain?” Angel was confused. “I thought the visions didn’t hurt you anymore.”

“Well, that’s my little burden from the Powers.” Cordelia gave a tight lipped smile. “The visions aren’t killing me but I am not a demon anymore, so they certainly aren’t all fun and games.”

“What?” Angel’s voice reflected his alarm.

Cordelia’s smile softened as she heard the concern in Angel’s voice. It had been the first emotion she had heard come from the vampire in weeks. “Relax, they assured me I am not dying.”

“Okay.” Angel nodded slowly, taking her word for it. “So you’re vision…”

“Right.” Cordelia remembered. “My vision, Angel…it was about Connor.” She paused waiting for his reaction.

“Oh.” The emotion in Angel’s voice was not gone.

“And…” Cordelia proceeded, not getting the reaction she had initially expected. “He is in danger…or I think anyway. I am not really sure, I just saw fire and felt fear.”

“Got ya.” Angel said, nonchalantly.

“That’s it?” Cordelia was shocked. “Angel, its your son!”

“I know.” Angel looked down at his hands. “And I had a feeling this was going to come.”

“What was?” Cordelia was confused.

“Eve came by.” Angel continued to look down. “She told me that Wolfram and Hart was removing the spell regarding Connor. She said he would be himself again.”

“But Angel…Connor was…” Cordelia caught herself. She would not call the boy she had once considered a son ‘crazy’.

“I know what he was like.” Angel looked up, his eyes emotionless as he stared at Cordelia. “So I know I need to go handle this vision and then handle Connor.” He stood.

“What do you mean by handle him?” Cordelia asked, worried at how Angel was reacting to the whole situation. She realized now, just how cut off from humanity the vampire she had fallen in love with had become. She was worried she was losing him before she could even tell him what he meant to her.

“Whatever happens to Connor, I can’t fix it anymore.” Angel said simply. “Maybe he deserves peace.”

Cordelia just sat there. For the first time in her life she was speechless; had Angel just said he was okay with his son dying? Cordelia was in shock.

“I need the address.” Angel said, looming over his seer.

“Right.” Cordelia nodded, shaking her head as her train of thought was broke. “Sure.” She handed Angel the paper she had written the address down on.

“Thanks.” Angel said simply. He then turned and made his way out the door.

Cordelia sat in the lobby for a long time without moving a single muscle. She was stunned by the way Angel had handled the information she had given him about Connor. She knew Angel loved his son, so she did not understand why he was so willing to let the boy go now. She realized now that Angel really meant what he had said the first time she saw him after she had come back; he was cutting himself off from humanity. And if Angel could cut himself off from his own son, Cordelia was sure he could cut himself off from anyone.

Angel found the address from Cordelia’s vision with no problems. It wasn’t because Cordelia had given such great directions, rather that Angel had been there once before, when he had first given Connor up to Wolfram and Hart to save his son; the firm had allowed Angel one trip to Connor’s “new home” to see that he was okay. Now, Angel was there for a different set of reasons.

Angel was numb as he approached the door to Connor’s house. He was not sure what Cordelia’s vision was of, or what he was going to walk into. He moved to the door but then smelt something burning. Immediately, he looked over the house to see a large cloud of smoke coming from the backyard. Angel immediately ran round the back of the house to find Connor standing, staring blankly at the house in front of him, a lighter in his hand.

Angel could see how much his son had changed, living his new life. His hair was much shorter and the clothes Connor wore were much brighter. From outwards appearances, Connor had completely changed, but then the boy spoke, and Angel realized it was his son again.

“No one is inside.” Connor said, his voice unshaken and unemotional, as he continued to star at the house, which Angel realized now was on fire. “If that’s what you are worried about.”

“What are you doing?” Angel stepped forward, unsure of how Connor would react.

“None of this is real anyway.” Connor kicked a rock out of the grass before turning and looking at his father, his blue eyes penetrating Angel to the bone. “Right?”

Angel studied Connor slowly. His son seemed to be his old self, but his demeanor was less forceful, and he seemed less angry. “You remember?”

Connor shrugged. “I guess I always had a feeling. Something just didn’t seem right. And when Wolfram and Hart came in here and escorted my parents out, saying that you had given up the deal and they had another job for them, it just all clicked.”

“I’m sorry, Connor.” Angel said, realizing now that his son was not about to snap.

Connor shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter.”

Silence fell between the father and son again.

“I’m sorry too.” Connor continued to stare at the house that was now ablaze.

Angel was confused for a moment. “Sorry for what?”

Connor turned to his father. “For what I did. I’m sorry I took…well I am sorry about Cordelia.”

Angel nodded, understanding. He tried to hide his emotions but they were clearly written on his face. The second Connor had said Cordelia’s name, Angel tensed. “It…It’s okay. She was just my friend.”

“Right.” Connor rolled his eyes at Angel.

“What?” Angel asked.

“We both know you care about her. More than just friends.” Connor said. “I am sorry I took that chance from you.”

“You didn’t…I..well she…” Angel was stumbling over his words. “If I wanted the chance, I could take it.”

“I thought she was dead?” Connor asked.

“She came back.” Angel said simply.

“Good.” Connor smiled. “Then you still have your chance.”

“I don’t…” Angel sighed. “There is nothing that will ever go on between Cordelia and I. We are just friends.”

“Don’t be stupid about this.” Connor told his father. “You love her.”

Angel sighed, digging his hands in his pockets. “Doesn’t matter. She deserves a normal life. I can’t give that to her so I can’t be with her.”

Connor nodded slightly. “I should go.” He sighed, looking back at the house one more time.

“Where?” Angel asked, hearing the fire trucks coming down the street. The house was engulfed in flames now. Someone must have called the fire department.

Connor shrugged. “I’m not sure.” He looked up hopefully at Angel.

“You can’t come home with me.” Angel struggled to let go of all of his emotions as he spoke to Connor. He wanted his son back, but he knew he could offer Connor nothing but death and misery.

“Oh.” Connor nodded.

“But if you need money…” Angel started.

“No. It’s okay.” Connor told him. “I cleaned out the families bank accounts before Wolfram and Hart shut them down. I am good there.”

Awkward silence filled the air again.

“It’s not that I don’t love you, Connor.” Angel said. “It’s that I do love you. You’re my son. I want what is best for you, and living with me is not that. I can’t give you what you need. The only thing I’ve ever been good at giving you is pain.”

“I see.” Connor began to put the pieces together. “Is that why you don’t deserve Cordelia either?”

“Cordelia needs someone who can take her into the light.” Angel told his son. “I…I won’t ever do that.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want the light.” Connor told his dad. “Maybe she is content being in the dark. Some people find it comforting.”

“Cordelia was never meant to find comfort in the dark.” Angel told his son.

“Maybe not…or maybe she was.” Connor said. “You won’t know if you are too scared to find out.”

The fire trucks were closer now.

“You should go.” Angel told Connor.

“Yeah.” Connor turned to head out of the yard.

“If you ever do need anything…” Angel started. “I am always around.”

“I think I will be okay.” Connor told his father. “Take care of yourself…Dad.”

Angel gave a slight smile to his son. “You too.”

Connor nodded and hopped over the fence as the fire truck pulled up. Angel made sure his son was gone before heading in the opposite direction, avoiding the firemen and the neighbors that had come to watch the house burn.

Angel stumbled back into the hotel. He was not hurt, bleeding, or beat physically but his emotions were shot. He had just gained and lost his son in the same hour, but he knew it was for the best. Angel wanted Connor to have a normal, good, life. Things he could never provide the boy.

“You’re back.” Cordelia came out of the kitchen, holding a glass of water and eyeing Angel up to make sure he was not hurt. When she was positive he was physically okay she realized his facial expression seemed rather troubled. “How did it go?”

“Fine.” Angel said, tossing his jacket over the couch.

“You want to talk about it?” Cordelia followed him after he began to make his way to the stairs.

“No, I don’t.” Angel said.

“Angel…” Cordelia pressed.

Angel turned on his heel, a few steps above her; he seemed to tower over her. “Look, Cordelia, I don’t want to talk about my son or my feelings or any of that. I just want to go upstairs and be alone. Now, I get you are not leaving me alone…ever, but we agreed this was going to be about business so…go do whatever it is you do now.” Angel did not mean to sound so harsh to Cordelia, he loved her, he knew it the second he looked at her, and he was just frustrated over the whole Connor thing.

“Fine.” Cordelia put her hands up in defense. “Go brood away. I will be down here setting back up the business, boss. Because Angel Investigations is getting back on its toes whether you like it or not.” She turned and moved back to the counter.

Angel closed his eyes as she called him boss. That word cut him like a knife. She had not called him that for over five years, and now she was again. He realized that she was giving him his way and not trying to be his best friend anymore. That made him feel both happy and sad. Happy, because for once Cordelia was listening to him; sad, because he felt he was losing the woman he loved. He sighed, skulking off to his room.

Once Cordelia was alone in the lobby she sighed too, tossing herself on the couch. It seemed that things were going exactly the way Angel had wanted them to. She realized she and her souled-vampire were beginning to act like co-workers and nothing more. Cordelia felt now, more than ever, Angel could and would never know how deeply and completely she loved him.