Author’s Note: Hello there! This was written as just a short little journal-type entry, inspired by an idea I had after watching the movie recently. Hope you enjoy. :D

I still have nightmares about it, of course. It always seems to come back, no matter how I try to ignore it. Alcohol never tasted good to me, so I know that won’t help; maybe that’s a shame. Lately I’ve thought maybe, after all this time, the memories would just kind of stop, like so many other things do…

But they don’t. Everything comes back into sharp focus, like it’s happening all over again. I didn’t used to be able to handle it; I’d wake up not knowing where I was, scared that I was going to die. Sometimes I’d scream for help.

Thank God that doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve learned to deal with it- to know what happened was out of my control; that I couldn’t stop it. I can’t even say how long it took me to figure that out. Too long.

Sometimes the dreams are good- I’ll wake up feeling optimistic, maybe even happy. But too often they’re bad. All I can remember is falling through the air, screaming as loud as I can. Then that god-awful roar drowns out everything, and then there’s just blackness.

It’s been three years and I can still hear that roar, still feel the terror it caused, though the feeling is more distant now. I get chills all over just thinking about it… You know, it’s been three years, and I still hear people talk about what happened in New York. It’s almost unavoidable these days, and I can’t stop it from coming up. There isn’t a day where I’m not thankful for being ignored for my part in helping all that to happen…

I’m just glad it’s dead. That’s the end of it.

When Denham brought that thing on the ship, I was an emotional wreck. The ship was empty of my friends; I was so scared to go anywhere near the cargo hold because I thought for sure it would wake up and kill all of us. I slept in front of the Captain’s Quarters or Miss Darrow’s room so I could feel safer; so I could feel closer to someone again. Everyone came back from that place different- not a single one of us was the same going in as we were leaving (Except maybe for that twit Baxter). Even Jack couldn’t look at me the same way. It was just another thing that saddened me.

Englehorn took awhile to start liking me again. I think part of it was that he felt responsible for what happened, and he didn’t want to mess me up anymore than I already was. But eventually, he liked me…eventually.

He’s more like a father to me now than anything, though no one could replace Mr. Hayes. I still can’t talk about that man without tears in my eyes. He taught me well…I just miss him, so much.

The crew quit after everything. I don’t blame them. Engelhorn and I sold The Venture and bought a new steamer with Denham’s promised money. We named her The Esmeralda, and she’s our home now. I’m happy, for once in my life…

I finished “Heart of Darkness.” I still have it, in fact. I’ve decided I liked the story, but it hit too close to home for me. I finished it for Mr. Hayes- I think he’d be proud.

I’m almost cautious to call myself happy now, though being First Mate of a steamer is definitely something I love. Engelhorn and I always have food, water and a rational head on our shoulders. Things might just be starting to turn out right, after we’ve finally put it all behind us…

…I just wish the nightmares would stop.