Author: BnayyFF PM
After disappearing for 3 years. Bella returns to Forks in search of the one thing she should have never left behind. UPDATE 7/1/12 : CURRENTLY BEING RE-WRITTEN AND RE-WORKED. thank you for your patience.Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Drama - Bella & Jacob - Chapters: 18 - Words: 98,600 - Reviews: 1,254 - Favs: 553 - Follows: 604 - Updated: 07-15-12 - Published: 09-27-09 - id: 5405315
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: And we're back! Hello lovelies! Won't keep you waiting any longer. Just wanted to say thanks for sticking with me through that ridiculously long fuckery of writer's block. Haha
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SM. It's ok, I don't really want to be her anyways.
I'd give it all to you,
Letting go of me, reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now
My day had pretty much been uneventful after I had awoken around three o'clock to find that Jacob was gone. But this time I didn't allow it to get the best of me. I figured he'd have to go to work and if he had enough time later in the day, he would stop by. I didn't want to sit around waiting for him all day like a pathetic love sick puppy, even if I did closely resemble one these days.
So to pass the time, I called up Leah and asked if she was willing to spend the day with me something we had been doing a lot as of late.
I really liked Leah; not in that secret lesbian crush kind of way, but in the best friends' kind of way; like the whole you're my sister from another mister kind of thing. She had been there for me countless of times over the last month and I hoped she wouldn't go anywhere anytime soon. I liked the way she handled me in my different situations. I liked that she wasn't afraid of hurting my feelings and instead opted for the brutal truth whenever it came to me. It was a huge dose of reality and a major boost in my confidence. Leah was teaching me to love myself.
"So did you find a job yet?"
We were sitting on the curb outside of the local Dairy Queen, munching on our double-stacked ice cream cones. Leah and I had spent the day rearranging and decorating the different rooms of the house. It had been a long and tiring day seeing as we could never really decide on a certain solid look. Every time we finished moving the furniture around and took a step back to appreciate the view, we always ended up finding something wrong with it finding ourselves diving right back in to rearranging. It had taken up the greater part of the day but after finally forcing ourselves to accept the way each room was arranged we both agreed whole heartedly that we deserved a reward for our hard work.
"Nope," I said popping the 'p'. I took a healthy bite into my mint chocolate chip ice cream and settled my elbows onto my knees. I looked over at Leah. Her brows were raised, her eyes shifting back and forth from me to my ice cream cone.
"What?" I bit into my cone again.
"How do you do that?" She asked, a tiny grimace flitting across her face.
"Just bite it like that?" The look she shot me was enough to raise a blush to my cheeks.
I covered my mouth self consciously and swallowed my current bite.
"I don't know," I mumbled.
"Freak." She said laughing.
"Hey!" I softly elbowed her side.
We fell into a comfortable silence and continued to eat our ice cream.
"So, if you don't mind my asking," She paused. "How exactly have you been paying for the house and everything if you don't have a job? I mean I know you haven't been living in it for that long but still."
"Good question," I mumbled. "I'm going to get a second job, I mean I've still got Yannie's but that can only do so much you know?"
She nodded in agreement. "Yeah…but I didn't ask you how you plan on it; I asked how you've been managing so far."
Leah was always too perceptible.
"Oh, that." I mumbled and shifted my eyes away from her. I knew that I should tell her about my funds – and how I had been managing on my own but to be honest I was kind of embarrassed.
"Just spill it Swan," She groaned. "I think we're close enough by now to not have anymore secrets between us."
I steeled myself for a possible scolding.
"The Cullen's set up a fund for me and to my knowledge have been putting a weekly allowance in it." I breathed out fast. "Compensation for everything I've sacrificed to be with them."
There was a brief moment of silence where I feared Leah would suddenly lash out, but all I received was a low whistle.
"Wow," She said. I chanced a glance at her and found her eyes were fixated on the distant horizon, both wide with wonderment. "That's shocking but – not?" She tilted her head and eyed me.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I was surprised when I got the message."
On my trek back home, after I had fled Alaska, Carlisle had called and left a lengthy message explaining the bank account and what it meant. I had protested and refused to take the money but it was all irrelevant in the end. I had sacrificed a lot to be apart of their family, had given up so much; a little or a lot of money couldn't hurt.
"So you've been living off of their money?"
I nodded my head. "Is that wrong?"
"Fuck no," She laughed out. "I say milk them for all their worth!"
"Leah!" I scolded her lightly, joining in her laughter.
"Damn, you're set for life now aren't you?" She asked.
"Pretty much," I agreed. "It's a little weird but I think I'll live,"
Leah shook her head. "Lucky bitch,"
Leah scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Better not let Jacob know, he'd go all ape shit on your ass."
I cringed and fumbled with my ice cream cone.
"Yeah, I don't think I'll be letting him in on this secret any time soon."
We ate the rest of our ice cream in light conversation keeping away from the more heavy topics; we'd had enough of those for a lifetime. After we finished our snack we headed back to the house for some much needed relaxation settling in on the couch to watch a few flicks. I tried to keep the majority of my focus on the film but I constantly found my eyes straying in the direction of the front foyer my eyes and ears straining to hear any kind of approach of Jacob's truck.
"If you keep twisting your neck like that it's going to get stuck," Leah said. "Or break."
I blushed furiously and faced forward too embarrassed to meet her eyes but I still couldn't block out her tiny snickers.
After four hours of movie time and still no Jacob we called it a night. I told Leah she was free to spend the night, my house was just as much hers seeing as she put so much work into it. At first she paused and shot me a raised brow but then decided staying over was for the best, she didn't feel like making the drive back to La Push.
After making sure all windows and doors were locked I followed behind Leah as she trudged up the stairs, bid her goodnight at the guest room door and made my way to my bedroom. Upon entering I quickly swapped my jeans and top for my more comfortable pajamas and settled into my bed.
But not before making sure to leave my window wide open.
The next morning I awoke to an empty bed and a heavy heart.
Of course it would be completely selfish of me to want him there when I awoke. As much as I wanted it I couldn't have it; he wasn't mine to want. Jacob and I were playing a tricky game, it was dangerous and risky. He was engaged to Lana and here I was doing anything and everything I could to push my way back into his heart. Of course our actions and decisions when concerning one another as of late proved that I was still there, I still held a place inside though it was significantly smaller than what it used to be. But that didn't matter; all that mattered was that it was still there.
After being hit with the empty presence within my room my senses were assaulted with the familiar smell of a cooking breakfast. Laying still in my bed I could make out the sounds of Leah moving around in the kitchen while humming along to a muffled tune. Taking a few moments to collect myself to hide my growing disappointment in waking up alone, I moved slowly about my room, throwing on a sweatshirt and closing my window before making my way downstairs.
When I entered the kitchen my ears were met with the sounds of Adele and I was filled with a growing humor as I watched Leah dance about my kitchen using one of my spatulas as a make-shift microphone.
"The scars of your love they leave me breathless," She sang, swinging her hips back and forth to the backing drums. I stifled my laughter as I watched her from the doorway. "I can't help feeling; we could have had it all! Rolling in the deep!" She broke out her shaky vocals battling with Adele's smooth sound.
I couldn't stifle my laughter any longer as Leah did a particularly ungraceful spin. She turned to face me and beamed widely at me as she continued to sing.
"You had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat!" She swiveled her hips and beckoned me forward with a finger.
I danced towards her swinging my hips back and forth. I was never much of a dancer when I was younger. I was always too afraid to let go knowing that I would possibly only make a fool of myself, for sure. But things were different now; I was learning that it was important to take risks, to act like a complete fool; that it was ok to let go every now and then. Plus, I could really use the pick-me-up this morning.
I picked up a wooden spoon and joined Leah as she danced around the center island singing along with the uplifting and powerful words. The bass thumped through to my chest a small film of sweat forming over my skin as I spun around continuously while pulling off other embarrassing and cringe-worthy moves. We couldn't contain our laughter as we danced and pranced and jumped and spun through to the end of the song, screaming our voices hoarse. I was very aware that it was near eight in the morning but none of my neighbors were close enough that our incessant banshee screeching would be a problem.
When the song finished, we collapsed spent on the chairs around my kitchen table breathing heavily but happy all the same.
I needed that," I spit out between breaths and folded my arms on the table, plopping my head down heavily.
"Adele's good for the soul," Leah said. "She always gets me in a good mood."
"Thanks for that," I smiled. "What'd you make for breakfast?"
"Eggs, bacon, and toast" She turned her head towards the center island.
In the midst of dancing I had failed to notice the feast Leah had lain out for us. Along with the eggs, bacon, and toast there was sausage, a bowl of fresh fruit, and what looked like hand squeezed orange juice. Leah had gone all out.
"Wow," I breathed out. "I didn't even know I had that much food in this house."
"You didn't," Leah snorted, "I went shopping."
I looked at her with a dropped jaw, my eyes wide.
"Leah you shouldn't have-"
"I was hungry," She stated with a shrug of her shoulders.
I shook my head at her and pulled myself from my seat with Leah right behind me. I grabbed two plates while she fetched the glasses from their place in one of the many cabinets adorning the kitchen walls. After loading our plates with more than enough food we sat down and enjoyed our breakfast. Throughout our morning meal we sat and ate in a content silence both of our focus trained solely on the food in front of us. I hadn't realized I'd worked up such an appetite prancing around my kitchen. As I ate I couldn't help but let my mind stray knowing full well what subject it would most likely be drawn to; Jacob.
I couldn't help but mull over the many possibilities as to why he left without a word the other day, then proceeded to not call or come back later on in the evening. A part of me knew this to be extremely selfish and needy of me but I couldn't help it. My mind was full of all types of scenarios involving him and his evil fiancée, the majority of them more than unpleasant for me but most likely a fairytale ending for her.
Through everything that we had been through of the years this was the first time where I actually felt threatened, that I wouldn't be able to keep Jacob for me and me alone anymore. Granted all those years ago my wanting to keep him was just me being extremely selfish, wanting to have my cake and eat it too simply because I couldn't fathom the idea of having to let him go forever. But I had given myself the chance to have and be with him and I had blown it; thrown it all away.
Breakfast past for me in constant worry but for Leah it seemed relatively calm. When we were both finished she collected out plates and proceeded to load up the dishwasher while I continued to worry myself to pieces. With all of these new found threats and fears I could only think to question everything that had occurred between Jacob and me as of late.
Did he really love me? Was he lying when he said he wouldn't let go? Was he with Lana at this very moment? Was he promising her things that he would never promise me? Maybe he'd finally decided that I wasn't worth the time or the trouble. I wouldn't blame him if he did.
I resorted to biting my nails, an old habit I hadn't seen since the fifth grade, and pulling out my hair after another hour had come and gone and Leah finished with the dishwasher and washing the pans in the sink. It was too late for me to help by the time she sat down with me, placing a cup of coffee in front of me.
"Oh, Leah I'm so sorry," I mumbled moving to get out of my seat.
"No sense in getting up now," She laughed, "I'm already done."
"Sorry," I said. I dropped back down into my seat.
"Its ok, I'm happy to help," She clasped her hands together, "Now, tell me what's wrong."
I wasn't sure how to go about explaining all of my hopes and fears to Leah. I knew that she was in my corner and rooting for my happy ending, but that still couldn't quash my fears of her passing judgment of me and the entire situation. Sure she knew all about mine and Jacob's recent escapades and the things that were said and done but I wasn't sure if she really grasped my desperate want and need for him to be back into my life and for me to be let back into his heart.
I raised my mug of coffee, intent on taking a sip to clear my throat, as I grappled with the words that couldn't seem to make their way to the surface. I hadn't even taken a sip when I heard a loud bang from my front foyer.
Leah jumped. "What the fuck-"
I rose to my feet with the intention of moving towards the front foyer but paused when I saw Jacob striding into the kitchen a determined look on his face. I could feel the beginnings of a smile forming on my lips at the sight of him but it faltered at the hard mask on his face. I took my eyes off of him and trained them on the liquid in my cup, forcing my heart to settle and to prepare for the battle that had just arrived on my doorstep.
I shrunk away from his tall frame as he appeared above me and jumped at the loud slap that rang out when he slammed something down in front of me. I could hear his heavy breathing and I could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. I bit back tears and tried to understand what was going on. How had things changed so drastically from last night to this? Why were things always changing between us?
"Jake what are you doing?" Leah spoke up.
I shot my eyes to his face briefly to gouge his reaction but was horrified when I saw the black angered pools that met me. He held up a finger to Leah, refusing to look at her or give her any kind of verbal answer; it seemed as if he was waiting for me to do the talking.
I shifted my eyes off of him to my cup then finally to the item he had slammed down in front of me. My body shuddered violently when it took in the sight of the white envelopes; it trembled at the black lettering of his name.
"Jake," I whispered, unable to tear my eyes from the offending envelopes. "What are you-?"
"I found her," he hissed above me.
"I found her," He hissed again. "I did what you told me,"
I remained silent, too afraid to speak. From under my lashes I could see the swiveling of Leah's head as she glanced back and forth between Jacob and me.
He slammed his fist down onto the table.
"God damn it Bella, I found her!" He roared.
I sat and stared at him with wide eyes. I could see the anguish in his face, the anger rolling off of him in waves, washing over me and filling me with its heat.
"Jacob," Leah started.
"Leah stay out of this." He growled.
For once Leah did what he asked and her mouth snapped shut. A part of me was angered that she wasn't coming to my defense but I knew I couldn't be selfish and reliant anymore. I needed to hash this out myself.
"Jake-" I made a move to leave my seat but he stopped me with a hard glare.
He turned his back on me and ran an unsteady hand through his hair. His shoulders slumped forward, rising in heaps of guilt weighed heavily upon his body; his soul. The notion that I did this…that I had done this to him sickened me.
I was unsure of what to say in this very moment. The course of action to take was unclear. Should I go to him, attempt to comfort him? Or should I hold my place and cower in the shadow of his anger? No matter what I did, I knew that possibly nothing could ever rectify this, could repair the damage that I had done.
Leah reached out a hesitant hand and gave mine a reassuring squeeze. I couldn't bring myself to answer her in any way; I was too transfixed on the defeated figure before us. Knowing that this moment was deeper and more than she could help with presently Leah slipped silently from the room, leaving Jacob and I to our fresh but familiar battle.
"I love you," He breathed, his voice a tiny whisper, "I love you and I love her and – God – she's been there and you left, and now your back," His shoulders slumped further forward as he turned to face me.
The look on his face nearly killed me, should have killed me.
"God, I love her Bella, I do. I love her and I slept with you and she forgave me." His words shook. "She fucking forgave me and it makes me sick."
I folded my shaking hands into my lap.
"And now, everything is just so fucked up because I don't know what to do," His voice finally broke. "I don't know what I want and I should know what I want. It shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't be like this."
"Jake it's ok, everything's going to be fine" I reached a hand for him.
"No it won't!" He roared pushing my hand away. I shrunk away from him, his anger hitting me full force. "God damn it how could you even think that anything is ever going to be fine?"
"Are you fucking blind?" He roared. "Do you not see what this is doing to me, what you're doing to me, my life?"
I was speechless, unable to stand up for myself to fight this incoming tirade.
"Jacob I'm sorry but what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to fucking leave!" He lashed out. "I want you gone!"
I was stunned.
"You – you don't mean that." I stuttered, a pain settling heavy in my heart.
"Everything was fine until you came back," He hissed. "I was moving on, I was getting better; I was living!" His voice rose. "And then you come back tear down everything that I've worked my ass off to re-build!"
"My tribe is pissed off, Billy is torn between his people and his best friend and half the pack wants to tear me apart for even letting you back in to our lives!"
I rose from my chair, prepared to reach for him, to help him understand that this couldn't happen. I couldn't leave him, there was no way I could ever extract myself from his life. He was too much a part of me and I him. He had to know that.
"And to top it all off I've betrayed Lana" He cried, "On more than one occasion! She's had to deal with all this drama and bullshit that you've dragged in with you and now she's got all this uncertainty about me, about our relationship! It isn't fair to her she's done nothing wrong!"
"She's done plenty!" I fought back. "Don't you dare try and defend her to me!"
"She's my fucking fiancée!"
"I know that! Don't you think I know that?" I screamed. "I was there Jacob! I was there when you threw that fact right in my God damn face!"
Jacob rushed towards me quickly, the heat of his breath unexpectedly in my face.
"What has she done to you Bella? Huh?" He questioned, his eyes filled with raw anger. "Tell me one thing that she's done."
"The bonfire," I hissed.
"What about the bonfire," He stated with a casual shrug of his shoulders.
I was on edge now, my blood boiling with unleashed rage.
"Don't you dare Jacob, you were there," I moved forward and pushed him hard. "You saw the way she talked to Charlie, My father, you saw it!" I shoved him again, his feet stumbling slightly before he was back in my face.
"He deserved every word of that!" He spat.
"He didn't and you know that," I argued. "How – how can you stand here and say these things to me, after everything that's happened, after everything we've done!"
"Because it was a mistake," He hissed. "You were a mistake."
I shook my head at him the tears I had done such a good job at holding now falling relentlessly down my face.
"You don't mean that," I sobbed. "I know you don't mean that,"
"I do Bella," He stated coldly. "And it's high time you understand that."
"Why are you doing this?" I cried. "God, Jacob I don't even know who you are anymore-"
"I'm Lana's fiancée," He ground out. "I'm her fiancée Bella-"
I took a step away from him, my head shaking wildly.
"I'm her fiancée and I'm going to marry her-"
"It's something you have to accept. Why can't you at least try to accept this?"
"Because you were mine first!" I screamed. My body shook violently, my hands trembled; my eyes blurred with tears. "You were mine and she – she took you! She took you from me and it isn't fair!" I ran my hands unsteadily through my hair, trying to get a grip on anything. "I love you, I've loved you all along and – and all she had to do was look at you, and I've fought for this, for you, and it just – it isn't fair!"
There was unbearable stretch of silence in which my uncontrollable sobs were the only sounds that filled the small kitchen. I rung my hands tightly together desperately trying to stop them from shaking but I couldn't focus long enough on them to do it. Jacob remained silent, refusing to be the first to speak.
"I know you're with Lana and I know you think we can't be together," I whispered through my tears. "But I tried to let you go all those years ago and I couldn't Jake. I kept trying and trying, but I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now. I don't want to." I pulled my arms tight across myself, "Jake I'm so tired of trying…I just want to be with you."
"I can't be what you need me to be," He whispered.
I clutched my arms tightly around myself as he spoke. I couldn't bring myself to look at him; I couldn't watch him leave me again.
"Then why did you come to me that night?" I cried.
"I don't know," He sighed. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and avoided my eyes. "I didn't think…" He trailed off unable to finish.
"Didn't think what?" I said. "Didn't think that it would lead to anything?"
"So you knew?" I gasped out. "You knew what would happen that night, you expected it?"
"Yes, no – I don't know!" He cried out.
"Then what do you know Jacob?" My voice rose. "Why did you do it? Why make love to me? Why love me at all-"
"Because it's all I know," He cried. "God Bella, it's all I've ever known."
A heavy silence fell over the kitchen. I shifted hesitantly from foot to foot fighting the urge to run to him and wrap my arms around him. I desperately wanted to console him to give and promise him anything and everything he ever wanted if only he'd have me as well. I loved him, was in love with Jacob, and I needed him to realize that, to see that I was in this for the long haul; that I wasn't going anywhere this time.
"You think it's any different for me?" I whispered. "You think that loving you isn't the only thing that's ever made sense to me?"
He sighed heavily and shook his head, a sad smile forming on his lips.
"Bells, there was a time when loving me was the last thing on your mind," He sighed.
"That's not fair," I said.
"I messed up I know that," I pleaded. "I made a mistake and now I'm trying to fix it."
"But that's the thing Bella," He said slowly. "Not every mistake can be fixed."
"What are you trying to say?"
"That loving Edward may have been your mistake," He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged letting his words trail off.
"And…" He glanced at me and paused, as if he were afraid to say what was on his mind. "And maybe loving you was mine."
It was a His words sliced viciously through me. I wasn't sure what to make of this statement, this cold hard hitting assumption he now held about me. I knew it couldn't be true, he couldn't possibly feel this way about me. I wrapped my arms tighter around my middle and took a step back. I struggled to keep my breathing in check, I didn't want him to see me breakdown.
"We can't do this Bella," He continued. "It isn't right, for either of us."
"You're right for me," I quickly responded. "Jacob, you're right for me."
He wiped a hand across his face his shoulders hunching. It wasn't until he lowered it that I noticed the shine in his eyes and the pain trapped behind it.
"That was years ago Bells," His voice came out strangled. "I'm different now, we both are; it can't be that way anymore-"
"It could, Jacob it could if you would just try." I stepped towards him reaching out to touch him. "Please,"
"I can't, I'm sorry," He sighed and side-stepped my hand. "I need to leave."
He turned his back on me and started a brisk walk for my front door, me following close behind.
"No," I cried. "Please don't do this, don't leave."
He ignored my plea his stride lengthening. I picked up my pace reaching out and grabbing his hand as his other wrapped around the front door knob.
"Jacob I'm begging you," I cried squeezing his hand tightly. "Please don't do this, please."
His back rose and fell with heavy breaths, his head shaking slowly from side to side. I knew he was fighting a war within himself, waging a battle between his mind and his heart. I could only stand and wait…and hope the outcome would be in my favor. Within moments Jacob's hand tightened around mine and then loosened. I let out a heavy sigh thinking the battle had been fought and the outcome was good. We were going to get through this setback, we were going to try.
"Goodbye Bella," He whispered.
"Jake no, please!" I cried as he twisted the handle and pulled the door wide open.
I stepped forward in an attempt to grasp his hand once more when I ran straight into his back. Jacob stood stock still in the doorway his body tense and unmoving.
"Jake what are you-?"
"Izzy baby!" A familiar deep baritone sound rang through my ears.
No it couldn't be…
I stepped around Jacob my eyes widening when I faced the visitor on my doorstep. He looked the same, tall, handsome, and just as beautiful as the first time I saw him. His eyes were alight with a happiness I couldn't connect to, couldn't feel in that moment in time. All that I could feel was an all consuming dread; this was not going to end well.
"Oh God," I groaned.
"Aww come on," He laughed. "I know you missed me baby." He finished winking playfully.
"Baby?" Jacob growled. I had forgotten in that short moment that he was there. "Bella, who the fuck is this?"
"Ian," I gasped.
My heart dropped, the world spun, and I fell over at my waist, spilling the entire contents of my stomach out onto the front foyer floor.
And there's chapter 17. Let me know what you think loves!
And just a reminder, chapters from now on will most likely be significantly shorter. This way I can get out more chapters to you in a more timely fashion…hopefully. Haha. Once again, thanks so much for sticking with me, love you guys!
p.s. if you didn't notice, I changed my twitter name and my FF account name. You can now find me as BnayyFF. Since there's some upcoming changes in CC I thought that it was time for a change with me too. LOL