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FIND MY WAY TO YOU
chapter 1
by varon, age 18
archivists, ask first! (varon_)

She was coming home tonight.

Shun Ukiya nervously straightened his bow and adjusted the hem of his tux as he half-listened to the stream of chatter around him. Glancing at his watch impatiently, he noted there would be forty-two more minutes before Rurip -- Ruriko arrived.

He shoved his hand back in his pants pocket, tapped his foot a little, and ran his other hand through his hair. It didn't take long for Kaoru to sense his impatience. "Ukiya-kun, could you please stop that?" she admonished lightly, breaking away from her chat with Fei-chan. "It's a little annoying."

"Whoops," he grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Kaoru-chan."

She smiled understandingly. "You really can't wait, can you?"

Shun caught himself, and looked away, slightly reddening. "Am I that obvious?"

"Yes," Fei piped in, winking. "I bet you haven't eaten a thing, the moment you heard Ruriko-san would be coming home at last!"

Shun chuckled, still blushing a little. A waiter carrying a tray of martinis passed by them, and he grabbed a glass then took a sip. "Give me a break, Fei."

"C'mon, Ukiya," Bancho said, "get a grip on yourself. You wouldn't want to be like this when Princess Ruriko arrives!"

Shun rolled his eyes. "It's been ten years, Bancho -- and you're still bent on calling her your Princess, ne?"

"As they say," the other man replied with a shrug, "may the best man win."

"As if you stand a chance," Megane muttered, loud enough for all of them to hear.

"What did you say, you little four-eyed shrimp?" Bancho asked in mock anger, proceeding to bonk Megane in the head as the smaller man cowered away playfully.

"Bancho, you moron," Megane complained, "that really hurt. We're at a party, you know? You could at least pretend to be adult."

While Reiko laughed delightedly along with Kaoru and Fei, Shun's eyes roamed around the well-lit room, trying to get his mind off her anticipated entrance. He absently considered the number of people filling up this hotel room's vast space, the Christmas wreath hanging on almost every single, ceiling-high window, the way the chandelier above them seemed to be on the brink of falling off its chain... hah, scary.

They were at the AEGIS Christmas party, after 10 years of service to the association; tonight everyone who had been part of the AEGIS team was invited for a reunion-party, and surprisingly, everyone who had been invited showed up. It had been relatively peaceful in Japan, without any more threat of the Invaders, so all the members of the team enjoyed a decade of respite. While most of the main staff stayed, many left, seeing that there would be no need for the team, at the time where there is no immediate danger.

She left, as well -- to explore new possibilities abroad, to further her studies in medicine at the States. They were all mighty proud of her when she was accepted at UCLA (him, most of all -- his Ruriko really was a genius!), and supported her wish to continue studying abroad. Shun had tried being happy for her accomplishment... but when she left, his sorrow was immeasurable.

It felt as if -- as if another part of him had gone, never to be recovered.

Shun remembered his friends urging him to reveal his feelings for Ruriko before she boarded the plane, but he had been too stupid, and too cowardly, to be a man at that time. Maybe he had been on the brink of denial -- it was a puzzle to him, really, how his teammates could perceive so well what he had been extremely careful in hiding.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone. It boomeranged at him, every single day for the succeeding three months, his conscience never letting him off the hook.

Damn it, how was he to know the saying was true?

He regretted not having been able to say those three precious words to Ruriko. How sorry he had been! It would probably have meant a world of difference. It would have been the gateway to establishing a relationship he would be cherishing for the rest of his life. It would probably... gah, all what-ifs almost drove him insane, the fact that he would never be able to see Ruriko again.

He had felt so confused, and lost. He was uncharacteristically depressed for some months afterward; he had wallowed in his sorrow too long, it had become a routine to see him constantly blaming himself, for not seizing the moment. Kaoru, meanwhile, loving him as she did, made herself an available outlet. Her friendship helped a lot, Shun admitted, but it was obvious she was expecting something more from him. He hadn't wanted to love her as she wanted him to -- he felt he couldn't, and it would be unfair for her if he couldn't give his whole heart to her... but she convinced him otherwise. "You need to let go, Ukiya-sempai," Kaoru had told him softly, "you need someone to guide you, to raise up your spirits. You need someone else, altogether, to help you forget Ruriko. Someone... someone like me."

And so he and Kaoru enjoyed five months of togetherness. Shun really thought his involvement with Kaoru would change his life, that she would be able to change him. And they WERE happy for a while -- at least, she was. He tried, really hard... but somehow, he felt his efforts were inadequate. He found himself always comparing Kaoru and Ruriko. He tried to overcome these, but they affected his actions and the way he treated Kaoru nonetheless. In his eyes, Ruriko's qualities outweighed many of Kaoru's; he knew, gradually, his relationship was crumbling. He never told her any of this, but in the end, Kaoru knew. She had thrown a fit at first, crying her eyes out, hurt at the unspoken revelation. But she knew, she could never blame him. She had failed; his heart would never be hers.

When she had calmed down and accepted this fact, Kaoru did the one thing she could be proud of in her lifetime: In all martyrdom, she set him free.

Shun and Kaoru both realized how this episode in their lives taught them so many valuable lessons in loving and living, and they look back on it without bitterness. They've remained friends throughout the years, without any awkwardness at all. But while Kaoru has found two or three men who love her for who she is, in the course of ten years, Shun had not. Rather, he was NOT willing to find another woman who would replace Ruriko. After the way he hurt Kaoru with his insensitivity... no, he could never take the risk again.

However, a good thing DID come out of her short romance with Kaoru: he learned to think less of Ruriko. Oh, of course he still thought of her -- how she was doing, what grades was she getting, was she involved with someone else already? -- but his grief had lessened, his blame on himself alleviated. His correspondence with Ruriko helped, too; staying in touch with her had been difficult, as her letters were far and few in between, but only because she was so busy... even if still Shun treasured every mail that was left at his inbox coming from her.

But he still didn't get the courage to tell her how she felt. He reasoned that it would be too impersonal to tell her in letters... either that, or he really was just a coward.

Ten years after she left Japan... a decade of communicating through air mail... and he learns of her arrival. How ecstatic he had been!

From the time he read those words, he had prepared himself immensely. He was thinking of how he was going to greet her, how he was to act around her, how he was finally, FINALLY going to tell her the feelings he had been harboring over the years.

He was entirely nervous, but he couldn't wait to see her again, either.

Shun was jolted back to the present with a nudge from Fei. "Ukiya-kun, I think she's already here."

"Wha-what?!" He exclaimed, his palms suddenly sweaty. True enough, quite a large crowd had gathered around the entrance, as if to welcome a long-lost family member... oh well, in a sense, AEGIS was family.

Happy shouts of "How are you?" and "Welcome home!" were on everybody's mouth, and soon a larger crowd had gathered around a person. Shun swallowed hard, waiting for the crowd to disperse, so he could already actualize his plans.

He took a step closer, bur the crowd did not part; the space was only wide enough for him to get a glimpse of her eyes... how he had missed staring at them!

She was more beautiful than he had last seen her. He didn't want to push himself through the crowd, but it was all he could do to restrain himself from doing so.

Shun inhaled deeply, and waited for Ruriko to finish returning hugs.

He promised himself, that tonight, he would tell her.

to be continued.

~ varon
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