|Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire
Author: FictionFreak95 PM
When Private Eye Edward Cullen decides to investigate the "accidental death" of an old friend, he finds more people are involved then he originally theorized as the case takes twists & turns he never saw coming after Bella Swan arrives in town. AH, BxERated: Fiction M - English - Crime/Humor - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 29 - Words: 257,029 - Reviews: 5,101 - Favs: 3,715 - Follows: 1,349 - Updated: 08-31-10 - Published: 10-03-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5418026
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Just a note, because I've seen a lot of questions regarding Jess's feelings for Cullen…no, she wasn't in love with him…Newton just really is THAT delusional. He needed a reason to blame Cullen on his predicament with Jess because in his head, her reasons for not dating him couldn't POSSIBLY have simply been because he was an asshat.
THANK you EFFING & ASH for BEING such great FRIENDs and BETAs!
READERS made MY cyber WORLD complete WITH their REVIEWS and SUPPORT and LOVE for THESE characters! (That I do not own)
Oh yeah, the song for the ending: "Mississippi Queen" by Mountain.
"I may not be a smart man, Jenny, but I know what love is." - Forrest Gump
The Dick's Epilogue ~ "The New World Motherfucking Order of Edward Cullen"
Roughly Nine and a half months later.
"Are you sure?" I asked Swan, taking my favorite spot just behind her, placing my hands on her hips as she flipped another piece of French Toast over on the flat skillet she was using that morning.
It was Sunday. Our recently deemed, weekly "day off" on which we took turns deciding what we were gonna do with all that fucking free time.
You know, so we didn't get goddamn bored or anything.
I usually picked shit like the movies, or sparring, or sometimes even a twenty-four hour Wii competition, usually followed up with sex 'till we fell asleep, but It was Bella's turn this week and she liked to cook us breakfast first thing, said it was good karma to start the day with comfort food.
Who was I to argue with that fuckery?
It smelled so, fucking, good, too…but I really wasn't in the mood for eating.
Food that is.
If ya get what I'm sayin'.
"Edward…" she peeked over her shoulder and breathed in. "Put a shirt on."
She was trying her best to protest, and failing fucking miserably, if ya ask me.
"Come on…" I moved her hair and kissed the back of her neck and her hand stopped with the fucking flipping of the French Toast, then I added in my sexy, raspy voice, next to her ear, "Tiny Dancer."
Elvis was playing on the iPod.
I'd set it up that way.
Just because it wasn't my day to call the shots didn't mean I wasn't able to manipulate the playing field.
I smiled against her skin when she sighed contently and I thought I'd had her, but then she started concentrating on breakfast again.
"Please, Swan…" I whispered into her ear again as I moved one hand around to her stomach and started gyrating Eddy Jr. who was standing at attention, against her lower back while my other hand slid underneath of her shirt, to her breast, palming it, pinching her nipple a little. "Pretty please with motherfucking sugar on top?"
"You're doing it wrong," she said huskily, placing the spatula down onto the counter top. She took my hand that was on her stomach into hers and she moved our fingers lower so they were now…oh yeah, cupping her in a highly ina-fucking-propriate manner, and then she took her other hand and raised it until it landed at my neck, grasping my hair.
"God, I love you," I told her as she tilted her head back to kiss my neck in a way only Bella could. "But even more so, I love how fucking, acquiescent you are."
She giggled and then proceeded to elbow me in the gut and when I was busy holding my stomach, she grabbed the spatula again and finished cooking.
"You're no goddamn fun anymore," I teased. "I think I wanna trade your ass in for one of those…"
"Don't…Even say it, Cullen," she warned me, holding the spatula up like she was gonna fucking wack me with it.
And fuck if she didn't break out the old, last name routine.
"I give…I give…" I said, holding my hands up in surrender, trying to mentally reduce Eddy Jr. to just a soft on.
"We aren't gonna have time for that anyway," she reminded me.
"Yeah, yeah," I said, because that was the story of my fucking life lately.
She finished up with the food and after we ate, we ran through our case load for the next few weeks.
One of which was going to be a huge goddamn pay day.
It was a missing persons case, which might sound pretty run of the mill, but when you're talking about the missing daughter of a well known airline guru, it's no longer run of the mill, but rather, run your fucking ass off until the goddamn case is closed.
Another reason we needed to enjoy our "day off", because who the hell knew if we'd be getting another Sunday to ourselves for a while.
I was typing up an email to some idiot who thought they were contacting a fucking dating service as opposed to a private investigations service when Swan stepped over to my desk and fingered a box that had been annoying the fuck out of her.
"And, when are you planning on tossing these, exactly?" she asked, taking one of my old business cards out of the box, holding it up to me with her eyebrow arched in utter fucking perfection.
I smirked, because I had to admit, "Dick for Hire" wasn't exactly gonna fucking fly anymore, seein' how I was working with woman and all.
Pity, 'cause those fucking cards cost me a shit load of money.
I leaned back into my chair, clasping my hands behind my neck and said, "Well, we could adjust 'em and put 'Dick and Pussy for Hire'…that would probably pull in a lotta fucking business."
She threw the card and the box into the trash and then pulled me out of my chair.
"You're NOT working today."
"I was just…"
"I know, you were just…and then the next thing I know, it's Monday…come on, we have a lot of stuff to do, still."
I followed her ass, because I'm not an idiot, and that point I knew she'd kick my ass ten times to next Sunday if I told her no.
Anyway, work could fucking wait.
"Did you fix that security system yet?" she asked me when I was about ten minutes in to chopping the fucking onions she'd handed me to take care of.
Living with The Swan took "honey do's" to a whole new level, I gotta say.
I shook my head and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. "I need the Jazzman to help with the wiring, I was gonna ask him what the fuck I'm doing wrong, it stops recording after the first ten seconds of the motion sensors being disturbed or some shit like that."
She laughed at me, "Well let's hope he's better with the wiring than you are at cutting onions."
She took the knife and the other half of the Redwing from me and told me to go do some other prep work.
Ten pounds of potato salad, macaroni salad, fruit salad and all kinds of other goddamn salads later, most of our guests had shown up and we started our family cook out.
Charlie and Jake had even flown over from Forks for the weekend to be a part of the fuckery and Charlie barely remembered that shit I'd pulled with the whole, you know, insinuating that his daughter was an alcoholic thing.
He only threatened me with bodily harm twice.
Okay, three times, but still.
Jake had been spending a lot of time with Seth's older sister, Leah Clearwater, throughout the week he'd been in town.
He looked happy as shit and I had to admit, I was glad he had another distraction in his life, because even if he was a really decent guy, I didn't need him obsessing over Bella's well being like a tic on a dog for the remainder of our lives together.
Okay, bad analogy, but you get what the fuck I mean.
One night after Bella and I had seen a movie with the two of them, I'd told Leah to be sure and keep an eye out for GPS tracking devices on her cell phone and she looked at me cockeyed but Jake just laughed and Bella slapped my arm.
Hey, it's only fair the girl has her eyes wide open to the stalking tendencies of the guy she's involved with.
But I digress.
A little while later in the afternoon of our family get together, I was flipping burger number three for Emmett, giving him shit about the amount of fucking red meat he'd consumed in one afternoon while Rose sat comfortably on one of the lounge chairs near us.
"You need to turn it," he instructed, impatiently. "Turn it, dude."
"Don't tell me how to fucking cook a burger in MY backyard, Em," I retorted.
"No, I think he's right, it's gonna burn," Jasper added, and I looked at him, trying to seem sincerely fucking hurt. "Et motherfucking tu, Jazzman?"
He laughed and then grabbed a couple of dogs for him and my sister off of the side burner and left the discussion quietly, rolling his eyes.
I noticed Bella staring at Rose with an odd expression on her face but before I'd gotten a chance to ask her what the hell she was thinking about, a squeaky voice sounded from behind us.
"Pay up, Edward!" Seth yelled as he ran over to us from the back yard's gate.
Harry and Sue Clearwater found my mom and dad pretty quickly and started in on their gab fest, waving to me and I raised the spatula to them to say hi.
Turns out, they weren't THAT bad…and they let Seth help with researching cases and running errands when he was done with homework and finished his chores.
It'll look good on his college application and he's a smart motherfucker, he's good with details.
"Show me the proof, first," I insisted as Bella walked up and put an arm around me to see as well.
He outstretched his hand to me with the piece of paper I required and I handed the burger turning duties over to Emmett for a few minutes as I scowled at it, inspecting the teacher's notes and grades listed throughout the report card.
"Hmmm," I said, reading one note in particular. "Mr. Clearwater uses far too many inappropriate words in class." I eyed him and he shrugged.
Bella nudged me. "It's not like he has a very good example setter."
"All A's…wow," I seemed unimpressed and handed the paper back to him, then proceeded to walk away to get myself a beer.
"Hey," Em called out.
"Your shift, bro," I told him over my shoulder, winking, and he gave me the finger.
Seth caught up to me and asked, "Well?"
"Did you take all those leftovers to the shelter like I asked you to?"
"What about your friends downtown?"
"All have temporary housing as of Thursday," he said proudly.
"And the old guy?" I was talking about Jack, the old 'used to be somebody' guy I'd met and kinda grown attached to since my run in with fuckery a while back.
"Brand new Taylor T5 waitin' for him as we speak."
I nodded and curled my lips down. "Not bad, kid."
"Well?" he pushed again, getting a little impatient with me.
"And it's okay with your mom and dad?"
I gave up and smiled finally. "Okay, meet me at the gym tomorrow after school and we'll start your training," I promised.
I'd made a deal to sensei his ass and teach him some karate with the hopes that not only would his grades stay high, but that he'd learn to defend himself against thugs like those gang bangers that were kicking his ass way back when.
"Sweet!" he screamed, jumping up and down, fist pumping the air around him.
Bella just smiled, shaking her head at me, opening a beer and swigging it like she hadn't had one in fucking forever or something.
"But," I told him. "Your grades slip, and your training stops until they come up again, got it?"
He ran off to tell his parents and I was left with Bella again.
Alone in the midst of chaos.
I pulled her into me and kissed her beer tasting lips, smacking mine after wards.
"You taste good," I said to her, then took the beer out of her hand and took a drink of my own.
"Beer thief," she said.
I laughed at her and finished the beer off, then got both of us another one and opened hers for her.
She was goddamn beautiful looking with the Fall Sun shining on her hair, showing off all of her auburn highlights, making her eyes sparkle even more than they usually did when she looked up at me.
I took a few strands of that hair and pushed them out of her face, behind her ear, because anything that was blocking my view of the delicious goddamn chocolate eyes I loved to look into, was breaking some serious cardinal laws in my motherfucking opinion.
"Hey what were you…?" I started to ask her about what she'd been thinking about earlier, but of course, didn't get far.
"Edward!" Alice screamed and I looked over to see the commotion that was starting to happen in the middle of our guests.
"Uh oh," Bella said under her breath. "We better go."
"Fuuuuuuuck," I groaned out, but it was Bella who grabbed my arm and said, "Come ON, Cullen."
Again, with the last fucking name shit.
I left Jake in charge of the guests that remained behind and threw a set of house keys to him as Bella and I left to go run off to our latest crisis, then we hopped into the Vanquish.
In the car I was completely losing my patience within ten minutes into our drive.
"You need to take this exit," Swan was telling me, annoyed as all fucking get out that I wasn't listening to her directions.
"I think I know where I'm going, thank you," I answered.
"It's faster if you take the Parkway."
"There's traffic this time of day on the fucking Parkway, Swan, Fifty is quicker."
Pup jumped the seat and landed in my fucking lap and I cursed him. "Why the fuck did we bring him, again?"
"Because he's family, and this is something we are all going to participate in, Edward."
I rolled my eyes.
"Right, because dogs are really important parts to the process of…"
"Watch out!" she screamed and I nearly ran us into a semi.
"Jesus," I breathed out.
When we finally had made it to our destination and got the fucking worst parking spot, EVER, we headed in to the building in front of us and were stopped immediately by some short pimple faced prick who wanted to try and tell Bella she couldn't bring Pup in with her.
"It's okay, Jason," my dad told him with a soft voice and a hand on the kid's shoulder.
He was already in his scrubs and I wondered for a second or two if he was fucking Superman or something, getting there that quickly.
"She's on the fifth floor," he told us, and we hurried the fuck up there to see how things were going.
"I AM GOING TO FUCKING RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND SAUTE THEM IN BUTTER SAUCE, CULLEN!"
We could hear Rose screaming from the other side of the hospital room door and I had to cover my mouth to stop the laughter from coming out in a loud as fuck and probably very rude bout of hysteria.
"OHMYGOD! AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR ENGINE APART SO YOUR CRUISER IS UN-DRIVABLE FOR AT LEAST THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!"
Yep, Rose and Emmett were having an illegitimate kid.
I told him I knew a guy down in Miami who could probably give him pointers on how to raise a rug rat out of wedlock, but he just punched me in the arm for saying that shit.
Em had already asked Rose to marry him, he loved the shit out of her for fucks sake, but she told him she wasn't having any part of a wedding until Alice could create her a dress that said size seven on it again, or some bullshit like that.
They had been expecting to go at least another week before they needed to worry about their little runt making its way into the world, but as with just about every other fucking thing in our lives, the unexpected had stopped by to say hey…and to tell us to go fuck ourselves.
Everyone that needed to be there was in the hallway and when I looked over at Alice and Jasper, who were canoodling little motherfuckers, and I just wanted to start singing something from the goddamn Tony and Tennille show or something.
Not that I've ever seen that fuckery.
Withing two hours, which I'm told is pretty goddamn fast, Rose delivered a seven and a half pound, twenty-two inch baby girl and I gotta say, I don't think I've ever seen a grown man cry so hard in my entire motherfucking existence as Emmett did when the little pip-squeak arrived.
He's such a pussy.
Not that the little booger wasn't cute or anything.
She had her dad's eyes, and her mom's hair, and when Emmett handed her to me to hold, she wrapped her tiny little fucking fingers around my thumb and I'm telling ya, she had a grip on her.
She wasn't gonna take shit from anyone when she grew up.
Not if I could help it, anyway.
"Alright, Edward, stop hogging the niece," Alice teased me as she very fucking rudely took the little squirt outta my arms.
Bella kissed Rose and I told Em we'd be by the next day but to call if he needed anything as we left.
After we got home, we barely put our shit down before going back out again.
I grabbed Pup's leash off of the wall it hung from and we took him out to play for a little while at the dog park down the street. That's when I finally got a chance to ask Bella about what she had been thinking earlier when she was staring at the pregnant lady in our back yard.
The blush in her cheeks should have fucking said it all for me, but although I'm a genius with solving cases, I'm apparently a major goddamn idiot when it comes to women and their hormones.
"I just kinda got lost in a moment for a little while, you know…" she said, and I prodded her to go on.
She looked over at Pup then, avoiding eye contact…sure sign of evil being a foot. "I was thinking about what it would be like, having kids with you…" she continued and I kinda did this half laugh, half choke thing when she said, rolling her eyes, "Settle down, Cullen, it's not like I'm ready for babies…"
I breathed easier, and then she snuck in there at the end, "Yet."
That's about when one of the other dog owners started giving us a piece of her very high pitched, screechy mind about something.
It seemed as though you could say Pup was…making a few new friends while he was runnin' around.
What can I say, like owner like Pup.
"Oh my god that was so embarrassing," Swan said, laughing as we walked him home.
"Nothin' like getting' your freak on in the middle of the dog park, Pup," I said proudly, to which Swan told me, "You really should find him a better name," and I informed her that, "He likes it, besides, it would just confused his ass if we re-named him at this point."
She laughed and said, "He's been hanging out with you way too much," referring to his dog park fuckery again and I squeezed her side, making her squirm away from me, which wasn't fucking acceptable, so I grabbed her hand and pulled her back into my side as we walked the rest of the way home.
After we got there, and I let Pup go so he could drink his water and eat his dinner, I put an arm around Bella and swung her around to kiss the fuck out of her.
Well, not out of her…
When I noticed something.
Our office door was ajar.
"Door's open," I mumbled, letting her go, walking toward the room.
"What?" she asked, not quite following, and yet, following me.
"I closed it after we finished up in there this morning, it's open now."
Not getting a good feeling about this shit, gotta tell ya.
"Well, maybe Jake left it open before he took off tonight," she said and I thought, Ahh, Bella, always the motherfucking optimist, but my life doesn't fucking go that way, unfortunately.
"Bella, if Jake was in the office, there's a whole hell of a lot more to worry about than him leaving a door open…besides, I don't think he's that stupid."
"Well…" she started in on another possible excuse, but she didn't get far.
When I pushed the door open the rest of the way, it was pretty goddamn clear that it hadn't been left open by anyone we knew.
Mother of messy ass break-ins by someone who was gonna get their ass kicked for fuckin' with my shit.
Whoever had ran sacked the office wasn't exactly professional…unless, that is, they were trying to confuse us as to what exactly the hell they'd been looking for.
Little did the dick heads know though, I was smarter than the average motherfucker.
Or maybe they wanted you to know they'd been there, Cullen.
The case files were strewn around and the answering machine tape was missing.
I figured out within about fifteen minutes which case file had been taken.
The missing airline princess.
I let out an irritated sigh and Swan suggested, "Let's see if the security system will give us anything,"
Even though I wasn't very hopeful about anything we'd get off of it, I went and played the loop anyway.
"Not much, huh?" she said as we watched the perp come into frame, start to turn his head, then the recording stopped.
Then I remembered a trick Jazzman had shown me back at his place, using the same technology he'd helped me pick out for our house.
"Hold on," I said, finding the computer terminals that the system was hooked up to.
"What are you doing?" Swan asked as I sat down and started to type in the keys he'd taught me to use to access the manipulation application he'd installed for me.
Bella stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders, rubbing circles into my shoulder blades with her thumbs, quite motherfucking wonderfully, I might add.
"Gonna see if we can zoom in digitally and get a better look at sneaky fuck face break in guy who leaves a big goddamn mess behind," I told her as I maneuvered the mouse to select the area of the screen I needed.
"Well," she said from behind me while the two of us watched, screen by screen, as the perp came into the frame. "There goes our day off."
"Yyyyyep," I agreed, when his face turned and the picture became clear as day, showing us the familiar smirk and I paused the player and leaned back.
"Guess he couldn't stay away, after all," Swan noted.
"Nope," I said, standing up, grabbing my Colt off of the shelf, loading it.
"We could just drop the case, let someone else take it, that's one way of handling this," she said. But she knew better, she was just throwing me a goddamn bone.
"Nice try, Swan."
"Oh, now we're breaking out the last names, huh?" she asked sarcastically, pulling her own gun down from the shelf, along with it's holster.
"Hey, you started it," I teased, looking over at her, grabbing our credentials off of the office desk, wondering suddenly if there was enough time for some wall sex because every goddamn time Swan touched her gun like that, it made me wanna set up a play date for her with Eddy Jr.
"Don't even think about it, Cullen," she said, eyeballin' me as if she'd read my mind, but then she added, "Later maybe," winking at me as she spoke it, sneakin' a peek at Eddy Jr. before looking away.
My soul mate, ladies and gentlemen.
She smiled and then we made sure Pup had enough water before we headed out to go begin the hunt for our friendly neighborhood hired gunman.
I wasn't exactly complaining, I still owed his ass for fucking with Swan the way he did, and for his attempt at taking Seth's life a while back.
I just hoped I didn't look too eager to get started on finding James because Swan had her own theories about how unhealthy my anger issues were, no matter how far it seemed I'd come from when she first walked into my office.
"Want me to call Em?" she asked as we got into the Vanquish.
The truck was really only used mainly for hauling shit around these days. Until I could manage to make it mysteriously die, that is.
"Nah," I said, waving her off. "Give him a night to enjoy Rose and the bambino."
"Softy," she said smirking at me and I smiled as I started the car up so we could go visit the owner of Titus Airlines to find out just exactly why the fuck his daughter would be missing and what kind of ties he might possibly have to Aro Volturi and or James…whatever the fuck his last name was.
It didn't really matter whether the guy ended up being honest with us or not, what mattered was his body language and the subtle shit we would pick up on while interrogating him.
And that Bella and I both knew that in the end, we'd figure the shit out, regardless of the bullshit fuckery anyone tried to throw at us, and we'd solve the goddamn case.
xOo ~ THE END ~ oOx
That's a wrap, people.
Hope you enjoyed the fuckery.