I found out who I was the day I gave birth to you.

She might have heard it just once but the words had remained in her mind like engraved in a stone that not even the years would manage to erase. Her lack of principles had broken into pieces and she had built from those ruins her own concept of motherhood.

A woman’s identity laid in her strength to bring life to someone. Though most of the times we also forgot that it simply set off the fatal countdown. The seconds passed by and death was getting closer. Mothers stole their children’s breath while giving birth to them, irremediably.

Men’s presence only speeded up the pace of the process to kill the creators of life; any kind of woman.

“Both bedrooms have large windows, overlooking the oak trees of the street. It brings a sentiment of security, as well as some indispensable shadows when the summer finally hits the city and the temperatures raise fast.”

Her arms crossed against her chest in a protective attempt, Karen nodded absent-mindedly. Her throat hurt too much to even pay attention to the estate agent’s speech. Like the trail of blood left by some claws on a pale skin, the pain seemed to be traveling through her veins before getting spread over her heart, her arteries; her eyes.

It wasn’t harder in the morning; not that much in the evening either. As a matter of fact she couldn’t distinguish the different stages of pain as if her nervous system had just been reduced to pieces and all she could do now was wandering through a labyrinth of fallen dreams.

“The fireplace of the living-room can be used any time if you respect the norms of use and the laws of New York City about the…”

The allusion to the law put an end to her wanders and she suddenly got lost in her thoughts, all the accumulated anger. She had said that she understood and respected his choice; that anyway, it wouldn’t change a lot because of what they had drawn together and nothing would ever manage to crash it all against a wall.

Her lies had taken her away and there she was now, so sad and alone.

“The kitchen area is quite small but since it overlooks the rest of the living-room, the surface is multiplied and the room takes advantage of the large, very large windows. It is very rare for the area to find an apartment that has so much light.”

“I know. The previous one cruelly lacked it. That’s why my husband and I had bought so many lamps. The shades weren’t pure and natural but they sounded relaxing enough to feel at home.”

The length of her reply surprised the agent but after a couple of dubitative seconds, the man swallowed back his vague confusion and came back to the effectiveness of his work: deprived of any feeling, resigned and obedient to money like a doll to human’s hands.

“Then I am sure you will enjoy this new flat, Mrs. Truman. Would your husband like to view it before signing the deal, as well as your daughter?”

She would have to grow accustomed to it. The question would come back over and over, through the innocence of the ones who didn’t know; the subversive rules of politeness. Maybe one day it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

She clenched her fists, her nails digging invisible wounds in her flesh.

She shook her head.

“There is no husband anymore. We are in the middle of a divorce.”

“Oh, I see.”

And the words floated by, pushed by the indifference of society towards her deep grief.

xxxxxxx

“I want to have a child.”

She had been dreading this moment for so long that at some point she had almost managed to convince herself that it wouldn’t happen, that it only belonged to her anxious fantasies. They had never talked about it, barely alluded to the notion of parenthood.

She wasn’t ready.

“It is not made for me.”

“Perhaps you just need time to think about it…”

“No. It won’t happen, that’s all. I am sorry if it disappoints you but I just can’t. It is way too much for me to bear. I won’t be able to handle it properly.”

The truth was that she was scared to death by the unknown and the changes it would imply. She could barely face her existence now so it seemed impossible to assume another role when the original one was still so unbalanced and lame.

“Does it have something to do with the fact that we aren’t married yet?”

She shook her head but unconvinced by her own gesture, she finally shrugged. That was it: she wasn’t sure of anything.

“It is just a very important step to make and I need to feel ready first. Do you understand?”

“I love you, Karen.”

Was that supposed to mean that he understood and so she didn’t have to worry? Did she have to find the interpretation of his half-sentence in the blurry logic of her personal mind, no mattered she might be wrong all along?

That was the problem with Will. Sometimes he remained so silent over his own feelings that she didn’t know what to think of them and if she began to evolve in a world of utopias then the end would be too hard.

Had he tried to say that he would always be by her side?

Because if so, then it was all a lie.