By Jackson Ferrell ()

Warning:

This fic contains spoilers

Neon Genesis Evangelion c. Gainax Studios and ADVision

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Author's Note:

In its humble beginnings, this story was nothing more than an idea, although from where that idea came is a mystery to me. I think studying control of gene expression in Biology class somewhat inspired me. Also, I seem to remember developing the idea in the mall, walking from store to store in contemplation of Evangelions and Angels. I thought a lot about the interpersonal relationships of NGE, especially with regard to what's in Shinji's head. But I think you get the picture; this story is a synthesis. I put it together from all the things that inspired me.

This was originally intended to be a chapter for my fanfic series, Shin Slurpee Evangelion, but the idea developed into something far too serious for that. I realized that it was better suited to a one-parter, due to matters of tone and subject matter.

I know I'm inconsistent with whether the last name comes first. I don't care.

And as for chronology, it doesn't matter too much when this fits into the Eva timeline. Asuka's joined up, but it hasn't been too long after that. Somewhere between the beginning of tape 6 and the end of tape 8 or 9, I suppose. Probably more toward the end of that time period...

It's difficult to say exactly what I mean to say, even in this Author's Note. I hope that I will write this fic with clarity, accuracy, and...well, good-writing-ness in general. Here goes nothing.

--

Warning:

We weren't kidding when we said this fic has spoilers. Especially with regard to Rei. This is your last chance not to have stuff spoiled for you.

I was playing basketball against Touji that day, which necessarily meant that I was getting my butt kicked. Right now, he was standing right outside the three-point line, and I was guarding him, watching the ball intently. It bounced a few times against the pavement, making an echoing, rhythmic noise, before I got distracted. Touji took advantage of that, dashing by me and pounding the ball against the ground.

"Ack!" I tried to catch up to him, to get myself between him and the net, but that proved futile. With a quick leap, he launched himself into the air and executed a layup. Two more points for him. I looked over at what had distracted me, Ayanami, who was standing on the steps by the court and watching me.

"Your ball, Shinji," Touji told me, grinning. He passed me the ball, and I caught it, fumbling slightly. "Fourteen to six." I checked the ball to him, received it again, and dribbled a few times in place, looking for an opportunity to break for the basket. I'm not sure why, but I was really cautious about it, not moving in much. Maybe because I didn't want to make myself look like a geek in front of Ayanami? Probably not, since she didn't care if I couldn't play basketball.

So why was she watching me?

Or a better question: where had the ball gone?

I was shook out of my contemplation by the absence of Touji in front of me. He had stolen the ball and was now making a three-pointer. Flawlessly. It sunk cleanly through the net, and it occurred to me that Ayanami might be watching Touji, not me. Which made sense, except that it was usually the other girls, the popular ones, who stood on the sidelines and watched him. They didn't hang around him much when he was with me and Kensuke, but when he was on the basketball court it was a different story.

I noticed Ayanami walking over. She approached me and asked, "May I play?" This surprised me, so I took a few seconds to answer.

If you could really call it an answer. "Basketball? You mean basketball?"

"Yes." Both of my guesses were wrong; she just wanted to join us in our game, not to see our studly selves in action. We let her in and started a game of twenty-one, which she lost. It was almost expected, since I'd never seen her playing basketball before, and her skirt kept getting in her way.

For the rest of the afternoon, I found my mind occupied by a question: why would Ayanami want to play basketball with us? I don't think she particularly liked the game or anything; if there was one sport she preferred, it was swimming. Plus, as I said, she never practiced, so "love of the game" was pretty much ruled out. I would have thought she just wanted to hang with Touji and myself, except that Ayanami is even less socially inclined than Kensuke. Most of the things she did, she did out of duty, which kind of made me wonder what she did for fun.

Forget it, I thought to myself, eventually. Maybe she has fun playing basketball. She's human, after all, and it's not like she's an alien from outer space. Nonetheless, for all the mystery surrounding her, she might as well have been an alien. I had no idea.

I was unable to fully concentrate on the afternoon lessons, but I at least relegated the question to the back of my mind, where it was less of a distraction. When at last school was out for the day, I loaded up my backpack and pulled out the question again, thinking about it for a full ten seconds before Asuka interrupted me.

"Helloooo! Earth to Shinji!" Startled, I uttered a cry of surprise and fell down. She laughed. "Honestly, I don't know how you get by when you're always so out-to-lunch."

For the record, that isn't really true. I just make sure to contemplate when I know I can afford to be preoccupied with thought. Asuka doesn't talk to me in school that often (we see each other enough as it is), so I wasn't really expecting her to interrupt me. Of course, though, I wasn't going to try defending myself to her. I just looked up at her, a little angrily, and got to my feet.

But she wasn't just startling me so that I'd fall on my butt. "Hey, we've got Eva training, and Misato told me to tell you," she informed me.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, she's picking us and Wonder Girl up, going to drive us there. Like right now. C'mon, I don't want to be late." She grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the classroom after "Wonder Girl," who had already left while Asuka was talking.

Just great. I wasn't really in the mood for either Eva practice or an inevitably noisy car ride with my two roommates. And given that Rei's passive nature tended to provoke Asuka, I definitely wasn't looking forward to this. I prefer to avoid conflict rather than resolve it or smash it to bits, which is probably why I don't like Eva piloting.

"So, how was school today?" Misato asked us in the car.

I declined to answer, knowing that Asuka would. "Same old, same old," she said truthfully. "The math lesson was so boring I almost fell asleep, and I think I bombed my writing skills test, but the day wasn't too bad. Lunch was kind of exciting." That's one good thing about Asuka: if she doesn't like something, she's up-front about it. On the other hand, that kind of honesty can get on one's nerves sometime, especially if one is exposed to it as often as I am. Well, I didn't care much this time.

Misato seemed interested. "And why was it exciting?"

"Well." Asuka grinned. "Me and Hikari were eating lunch together, and talking, when Tetsuya Yoshida comes up to me and asks me for a date. Just like that, he hardly knows me." She paused, probably for effect, or so somebody could ask if she accepted.

"And did you accept?"

"Of course not. He's butt-ugly." Misato burst out laughing, and even I couldn't help but chuckle at Asuka's typical brashness. I glanced over at Rei, who was looking out the car window, her mind most likely elsewhere. Not that she'd laugh if she'd heard the conversation.

A lot of the time, I was unsure what to make of her. She was definitely a mystery, but it made me wonder about her. Did she have real feelings, a depth which she just kept hidden under her quiet exterior? Or was she one of those people who react to everything intellectually? I didn't know the answer then, and I guess I never will.

We drove on.

There's something about LCL that I don't like. Since it's a liquid, my natural reaction when it floods my lungs is to think I'm drowning, even when I convince myself ahead of time that I won't. Also, I don't know what's in it, so I can't help but wonder. It feels a little bit cold, and its texture is kind of like thick liquid gelatin. Given all of this, it must have been disgusting for Ayanami when she sneezed in the simulation plug.

The virtual Eva-00 in front of me suddenly doubled over, dropping its assault cannon and covering its face with its hands. "Watchoo," sneezed Ayanami. The Angel in front of us blew her Eva up.

Despite the untimely defeat of Ayanami, we didn't stop firing. I covered Asuka, using a pair of semiautomatic handguns, while she charged in and cut the Angel up with her prog-knife. I heard Ayanami sneeze a few more times during the attack. It was over surprisingly quickly.

"Did you see how Wonder Girl screwed that one up?" Asuka shouted, after the simulation was turned off. "That woulda been one less pilot if that were a real Angel!" We all knew she was thinking how that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but everyone kept quiet about that. Some things you just don't point out.

"That's not very constructive, Asuka," Dr. Akagi reprimanded. "Is something wrong, Rei?"

"No, I only sneezed."

"Ah."

Misato made an offer. "Hey Rei, if you're sick, it would be fine with us if you wanted to take the rest of the afternoon off."

I couldn't see her, but I'm pretty sure Ayanami shook her head. "No, I don't believe I am sick. Let's continue."

I met her outside the locker rooms, after training was over. "Um..." I was still curious about why she'd wanted to play basketball with me, but suddenly I'd rather talk about other things. Anything besides that, and I didn't know why. "What did you think of the writing test today?" That worked--if I wanted to avoid the issue.

"It wasn't too difficult." She sneezed again, like a break in her normally composed demeanor.

And here was something else to talk about. "Hey, are you sure you aren't coming down with something?"

"Coming...down with? ...Oh. My throat started irritating me slightly this morning. I don't believe that it's a problem, although I have been sneezing since training."

"Er, I hope it's not anything."

She sniffled.

"And if you want to play basketball tomorrow, that's okay with me, too." Well, that was one way of approaching it. It wouldn't exactly answer my question, but better to bring up the topic than not.

Ayanami nodded in response, and we stood there for a moment, completely silent. This indicating to her that the conversation was over, she left. It occurred to me, as if from nowhere, that the car ride over had been sort of peaceful.

She wasn't at school the next day, and I supposed that she'd been too sick to come. Oh well. It wasn't as if her presence in the classroom was particularly obvious, anyway, considering that she didn't talk. And I don't mean that she didn't talk much; to the best of my knowledge, I had never heard her say a single word in class. My memory might have been failing me, but as I said, oh well.

There were other things to concern myself with, such as eating lunch with Kensuke and Touji. "Hi, Shinji," the former greeted me, as I sat down beside them.

"Hey," Touji added.

"Hi, guys." I pulled out my lunch. "What'd you guys think of that history test?"

"Stank," Kensuke said disgustedly. "Second Impact, Second Impact. That's all he ever talks about, all he ever asks us about! 'Enumerate the economic ramifications of the Second Impact.' You'd think there weren't any other important historical events save the Second Friggin' Impact! What about World War II? What about the Meiji Era?"

"What about 'em?" Touji asked. "So they happened. And we're here."

"You just don't understand!" Kensuke exclaimed. "In World War II they had tanks and bombers and really cool guns! They had grenades! And during the Meiji Era it was illegal to carry a sword, so there were all these illegal ronin running around! Samurai are cool, don't you think?"

"Oh," I said, realizing. "I thought you were concerned with the historical significance. Not the samurai."

"Samurai are historically significant!" he protested.

"I don't know 'bout you," Touji interjected, cramming the rest of his sandwich into his mouth, "Bu' I fink th'invention of bafketbaww wa' sigmifikant." He chewed and swallowed. "Anyone up for a game?"

I was, Kensuke wasn't. I can kind of see why he prefers not to play basketball, particularly against Touji. "Y'know," he said, as he continued to completely annihilate me, "I don't think I did so hot on that test."

"Eh?" I asked, futilely attempting to block his shot.

"Yeah. That was a real vague essay question, if you ask me. I wasn't sure what to put down, and it wasn't like I remembered a whole lot anyway. How d'you think you did?"

"I dunno," I replied, thinking cautiously. "How can you know how well you did at something until you have some way to judge? I won't know until I get the test back."

I watched him score another point, as he leaped and shot well over my head. "Take you, for example. We can tell you're better at basketball than me because you always win. We have something to look back on."

"True," Touji agreed, checking the ball to me. "But do you got a good feeling about it? I mean the test?"

"Guess so." Something occurred to me. "Hey, tomorrow at this time, Rei will probably be making up the test."

"Yeah, if she's here tomorrow." Touji stole the ball from me.

Misato had cooked dinner that night. I stared at the bowl of chili ramen before me, a lumpy mass of watery meat sauce and noodles, which looked only slightly less appetizing than the charred toast slices on my plate. "I'm not hungry," I said, pushing my plate away.

Misato smiled at me. "C'mon, after a hard day of pilot training, you're not hungry? You haven't eaten since lunch." I shook my head, which prompted her to eat some of the soup. "Mmmm...spicy! Come on, you'd be a fool not to try this!"

"I'm not much for spicy foods," I said, which was true. Particularly when it came to ones Misato had prepared.

"Me either," Asuka agreed. "I'm gonna go do my homework. I have a lot of homework tonight."

"Come on!" insisted Misato. "You two have been working hard at school all day, and you need to at least take a break for dinner! You don't want to be malnourished, do you?"

Quite frankly, I didn't think eating her food would provide much in the way of nourishment, but I wasn't going to be that blunt. "Had a big lunch," I said quietly. "We'll be fine, really."

Misato contemplated this briefly. "Well, all right, I guess. If you get hungry, though, you can go ahead and reheat your ramen."

"Thanks, Misato!" Asuka jumped up from the table and darted away to her room. I stood up as well, putting my...er, food...in the refrigerator. On the way, I passed by the cordless phone and its cradle, and, having a spontaneous idea, picked it up. I then headed for my room.

"Hey, I thought you were going to do homework," Misato inquired suspiciously.

I paused. "I, ah, have to call someone about an assignment. I need to...get the pages for the math assignment." I'm not a very good liar, and I think my tone gave me away.

Misato smiled. "Yeah, right, Shinji-kun. I can tell that's not why you've got the phone there. If it were Asuka wanting to make personal calls, I'd be more concerned, but you're more motivated and diligent when it comes to homework." She winked at me. "Go right ahead. If I may ask, who're you calling?"

"Uh...I...Rei."

I think she was enjoying this, judging by the way she laughed. "Well, I was wondering why you were being so evasive! Are you going to confess your undying love for her? Are you going to reveal your true feelings?" she teased.

I was probably blushing. "No," I said honestly, very glad that I didn't stumble over the word. I'm pretty sure I said it with conviction.

Misato shrugged. "Well, if you say so. I'll let you go now." She gave me the thumbs-up sign, apparently not entirely believing me. "Good luck!" Or possibly she just enjoyed teasing me, to see my reaction. Either way, it didn't matter any more, because I retreated to the sanctity of my room.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi, Rei?" I asked. As if it would be someone else, but I felt like it would be polite or something. I don't know. Her voice didn't sound quite the same, anyway.

"Yes."

"Well, uh, I noticed that you weren't at school today, and I wondered if, um, if you were feeling bad or something. How are you doing?"

"Not well," she replied. "My throat still hurts, and I've been sneezing more. Also, I have felt warmer." The way she said that word--warmer--made me pick up on something about it and ask about it. She didn't say it like a normal person experiencing increased warmth would say it.

"Warmer? Like a fever?"

"No. I took my temperature, which is normal, so ht'choo I do not know why I feel warm. It must be psychosomatic, or something along those lines."

"That's not a normal symptom of anything. You, um, ought to see a doctor or something..." What kind of a weird cold made you feel warmer without being warmer?

"I will."

"You must not feel too good," I remarked. You can tell a person's running out of things to say when he starts stating the obvious. I walked over to my desk and sat down at it.

"No, I don't," she decided. "It's...unpleasant."

The conversation paused here, threatening to stop, and I felt I should say something, like "I hope you feel better." But it was just a polite thing to say, and it'd feel out of place saying it to Ayanami. It was too social, or something, and if it wasn't social, then I really did mean it...and I don't think I felt that comfortable being so caring, toward anyone. But I was indecisive, actually considering saying it anyway, because I should have, indecisive to the point where Ayanami made my decision for me. "Goodbye," she said.

Click.

The next day, at least as far as school was concerned, was uneventful. We received back our history tests, and I was glad to have done decently on mine. Ayanami still wasn't there, so at break, I declined to play a losing game of basketball against Touji. Instead, I sat by the pay phone in the hall the whole time, playing my own kind of losing game, in which I debated whether to call her. I kept feeling like I hadn't said all I wanted to say, but she probably didn't feel like talking anyway. And, for that matter, what the heck would I say myself? I'd asked how she was last night.

The afternoon was eventful, though. There was an Angel attack, so as the class lined up to take cover in the nearest shelter, Asuka and I left for NERV HQ.

"I really don't want to fight this Angel," I said, then instantly thought better of it. It was a blatant invitation for her to call me a...

"Wuss," she spat. "You may not like it, but it's your duty, so just do it and get it over with."

I walked on in silence, thinking about her words and why I didn't want to fight the Angel. "No, that's what you don't get," I determined.

"Huh?"

"Well, we can't keep winning forever. We have to keep training and adding pilots and getting better, to beat Angels. But we're weak now, 'cause even if Rei's piloting, she's sick! Did it ever occur to you she might die out there?"

"I don't need Wondergirl," she said confidently, a slight smirk on her lips. "You know I'm the best pilot; my synch numbers and battle record show that clear as day."

"Well, how about this: did it ever occur to you we might die out there? Your being the best of us doesn't preclude vulnerability! If the Angel out there is something more powerful than we can handle, we're toast! We won't have a--"

"I don't want to talk about it any more," she forcefully interrupted. "You have no choice but to do your duty. If you're afraid of dying, then do your best, 'cause then you won't die. And that's why I'm not afraid of death." I obliged to shut up, but I wondered if I really had no choice.

So, we suited up, got into our entry plugs, and waited through the initializing procedures. Right after I had synchronized, something occurred to me. "Can I see the Angel?" I asked. "Get a visual of it?"

There was long pause, and then Misato's voice came through the comm channel. "I'm sorry, Shinji, but no."

"Why not?"

There was another pause, this time shorter. "The Commander won't allow it," Misato relayed, and I realized that they were cutting the channel while they talked about it.

How come it was so serious an issue? "I'll see it anyway once I reach the surface," I said. "Why won't the Commander allow it?"

"He has a point," Ritsuko noted. "Although..."

"Let him," I heard my father say, and then the tapping of fingers against computer keys. They had obliged me, but I wondered why they had needed to debate it. What was so important about the Angel's appearance? Then, suddenly, the wall of the entry plug shifted to display it, and I knew why it was important. I sucked in a breath of LCL so hard I nearly choked.

It was her. Ayanami.

She was hovering there in the middle of the city, naked. Jagged streaks of blue, like scars, ran across her body, and foot-long blue spikes protruded from her shoulder blades. Her eyes looked the same as usual, at least when she wasn't showing any emotion--which was her usual state, of course--except they might have been a little more red than normal. But the really frightening thing was her mouth.

It wasn't there, see. No lips or anything. It reminded me of a scene from a late 90's sci-fi movie in which the villains caused the hero's mouth to seal shut. It made her look inhuman, like she couldn't express anything. And it wasn't as if she were expressing anything with her eyes.

"A-Ayanami?" I sputtered. "Ayanami? I can't fight her!"

Momentary silence. "Why not?" asked my father.

"'Cause she's a fellow pilot! I can't kill her, I see her every day at school! It'd be like--"

He cleared his throat to interrupt me, speaking slowly. "Shinji, whatever it might have been, that is not Ayanami Rei now. That is an Angel, a threat to humankind. Your duty, as an Evangelion pilot, is to destroy Angels. Do you understand?"

"Yes, and you're wrong! Of course it's her! It looks like her!"

"This is no time for sentimentality," he replied. "Be reasonable: that thing--"

"She's not a thing!"

"That...entity...is giving off a blue pattern. Rei's blood type is not blue, so it can't possibly be Rei. It is an Angel, and it must be eradicated."

"Rei can be an Angel too!" I screamed. "How can you order us to kill her off like that? You're closer to her than I am, and you don't even care if we kill her! You talk about her like she's just some thing--and if she doesn't have any value to you as a person, then what about as a pilot?"

"Dr. Akagi, begin the launching procedures in 20 seconds."

"Yes, Commander."

"I won't fight! I can't! I can't kill Ayanami, I'll die and you'll be short two pilots! What then? How will you beat the rest of the Angels? Don't you--"

"Shut up, Shinji! You have an obligation to fulfill!" Asuka cut in.

"No, I don't! I quit! And you can launch me, but I won't fight!"

"It's you or her, you coward! Don't you value your own life? Don't you..."

She kept yelling, but I tuned her out and started pleading. "Don't launch me, it won't do any good. You can't make me fight!" Ritsuko announced that the launch procedure had begun. Sweat on my face mingled with the LCL. "Please, get me out of this plug, I-I can't fight a fellow pilot, she's my friend, I wasn't born to fight! I quit! Just let me go..."

"Abort launch procedure," my father said. "He is obviously of no use."

I felt the plug lurch forward, then watched as the LCL drained.

I must have sat in the locker room for an hour. I took off my plugsuit and then lost track of the time, sitting on the bench, my clothes half-on, half-off. I'm not sure if I even thought anything at first, being too shocked by the experience to even contemplate it. But I had to have started thinking at some point, because I distinctly remember thinking about hating my father.

It was familiar ground. I'd always thought that he saw us as nothing but tools toward his goals. He forced us to sacrifice ourselves for the good of humanity, without even acknowledging our own humanity. I'd felt so manipulated when he'd almost made Rei fight the Third Angel, even in her injured state. But I couldn't have let her go out like that. Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't. Had to. I had no will. No choice in the matter. And now what? She was an Angel, and they were going to kill her anyway. She might as well have died then.

Why did she mean anything to me? I hardly knew her. If anyone knew her, it was my father. And she obviously meant nothing to him, so it made no sense that I'd care if she died. ...But I did. It seemed like she was trying so hard to be human, trying to smile, and trying to play basketball with me...

That memory was too much. I'd never figured out why she'd wanted to. My shoulders started shaking, and when I realized I was already crying, I cried even harder. I just stopped thinking and cried into cupped hands, because Rei had tried so hard to be human, but she'd failed.

You have to stop crying sometime; the tears just won't flow forever. I wiped my eyes with my plugsuit, stowed it in my locker, and finished putting on my clothes. I didn't feel like leaving yet, though, so I sat back down on the bench.

I heard a knock on the locker room door, shortly. "Are you in there, Shinji?" asked Ritsuko's voice. I nodded, then realized the futility of that.

"I'm in here," I responded.

"Are you dressed?"

"Yes."

She entered the locker room, her eyes focusing on me. I was the center of attention. "If you really did resign from your duties as a pilot, then you need to leave now," she told me. "We could tell by your access card records that you hadn't left this floor yet."

"Ritsuko?" I asked, after waiting a moment.

"Hmm?"

"Why did Rei become an Angel?"

She paused, her face only showing that she was considering something. "The information is classified." I hadn't been expecting to be told anything, anyway. "So, you realize that any leak of this information whatsoever will result in your prosecution under the law, Eva pilot or not. I'm only going to tell you because I can see it's important to you, as a friend of Rei, and because I know you to be trustworthy. Understand?"

Surprise, Shinji. "Yes," I replied.

She took a deep breath, and I guessed she was thinking about the best way to tell me whatever happened. "This may come as a shock to you, but Rei is an artificial human constructed specifically for Eva piloting. We used a combination of human and Angelic DNA to program her genetic code. Because we created several Ayanami Reis, your father was unconcerned about the loss of a pilot."

I'd figured as much. He didn't care at all about the loss of a person.

"In examining DNA samples from her current form, I discovered that the repressor molecules on her Angelic genes had been removed. You see what this means, right?"

"No..." I shook my head.

"Normally, repressors prevent our genes from synthesizing certain proteins. But when certain other molecules form intermolecular bonds with these repressors and remove them, the repressed gene can express itself through the synthesis of the proteins it's programmed for. My hypothesis--which is currently unconfirmed--is that Rei's recent illness somehow triggered the production of such antirepressors. Thus, her body began synthesizing Angelic proteins and she became a true human-Angel hybrid."

I listened attentively as she explained it. Was that fate, just dumb luck that her disease would happen to make antirepressors? Or, didn't these Angels come from God, and then wasn't it His will or something for Rei to be an Angel? Which reminded me of another question. "What happened with her after they ejected me from the plug?"

"Asuka, and Commander Ikari in Eva-00, battled the Angel. The--"

"My father? He can pilot?"

"Not technically. There exists an AI system for the Evas, called the 'dummy plug' system, but it's still at an experimental phase. It currently requires a living human to initiate the synchronization process. The pilot's brain matter works as an organic conduit between the dummy plug's circuits and the Eva's nervous system. The Commander chose to be that conduit."

"Oh," I said. Now this was something different. My father had been willing to subject himself to an experimental system, just to beat this Angel? When he could have let Asuka go it alone? He didn't have to fight or anything, and yet he did...yeah, fought Ayanami! I couldn't forget, ever, the real person that he had--

Wait, had he? I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my gut. I didn't want to ask the question, but I had to. "W-where did you, ah, get those DNA samples?"

Ritsuko looked at me, almost entirely a scientist, only the least bit undetached from her words. "We were...able to recover tissue samples from the First Child's body," she disclosed to me, hesitating a moment.

I didn't hesitate. I ran from the locker room, ran away, away, all the way back to Misato's apartment, and the whole time I felt like I was going to hurl.

I was the only one who really loved her. It was true. Asuka saw her as a doll and hated her. The Commander saw her as a doll, an expendable pilot with no value as a person. Ritsuko saw her as a doll manufactured by genes and chromosomes, studying her to gain a better understanding of the Angels. Everyone at school saw her as an intellectual doll, with her nose always buried in a book or her studies. Even Misato saw her as NERV's doll; she hadn't objected to it. I was the only one who had objected. I was the only one who knew her.

I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to some piano pieces by Schumann. I knew Rei better than any of them; I knew that inside, she had a stronger sense of duty than even Asuka, and I'd played basketball with her. I took an interest in her swimming. She had smiled for me, sincerely, and that was more than the rest of them could say.

She was beautiful when she smiled. I loved her. She was so intelligent and demure; she wasn't intellectually arrogant at all. Nobody else saw her as a human. But I did. I knew that she had emotions, and that she had desires--like a desire to play basketball. And she showed them. Nobody else cared enough to look, or to see that she was a person. So much easier just to call her a doll and leave it at that.

She was wonderful. I sniffed a little about that and moistened my pillow slightly. Gone was such a hard thing to comprehend. My father and Asuka were the worst of them, the way they misunderstood her. They couldn't even recognize her, even when her distinctive blue hair and red eyes were still there in front of them. They were such arrogant scabs.

Her eyes were beautiful, and they had shone when she smiled for me...

I walked the streets of Tokyo-3, eventually coming to the subway station. I walked downstairs, passing a handful of people, and boarded the train. Sitting down on a green plastic bench inside the car, I noticed that I was the only passenger. The train left the loading platform and drove for awhile, the tunnel lights flashing by the window across from me.

Then the train stopped, and the doors slid open. Rei walked in, dressed in her school uniform and carrying a thick hardback book. She sat down across from me and looked in my direction, but I couldn't tell if she was looking at me or not.

The subway car's lighting gave a sea-green hue to everything inside it. The green kind of neutralized the strong crimson of her eyes, making them look a bit more like normal people's eyes. I could then tell that she wasn't looking at me, because of the fact that her eyes didn't meet mine. She folded her hands in her lap, atop the book, and we rode on in silence.

She had pretty smooth arms, which were only mildly on the thin side. Her skirt was very loose, falling gently around her knees and lower thighs. She looked nice, for just wearing everyday clothes. Maybe it was the lighting.

"Hi, Rei," I said to her.

"Hello," she responded, still not looking me in the eye, but still looking in my direction.

I wanted to ask her about basketball; this was the opportunity for me to find out the question I'd never asked. So, of course, I asked about something else.

"Are you, um, feeling better now?"

"Yes." She shifted a little. "Thank you."

"Which Rei are you? Are you the one that I know, or some other Rei?"

"The former."

I was so glad to see her again, but I didn't really say so. I just gave her a smile, which she didn't return. I wondered if she rarely smiled because she was rarely happy, or because she didn't understand happiness.

"Hey, where do the Angels come from, anyway? What's behind it all?"

She responded evenly, but not really like a response from a textbook. "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow," she replied.

"I guess you ended up siding with the Father of lights, then, huh?" I asked tentatively. It would sure explain some things about her.

She looked at me sensitively and penetratingly. "Do you believe that the Angels truly come from Him?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "I don't know why He would send such destructive beings, if He's a loving father. They sure don't seem like 'good and perfect gifts' to me."

She ran her fingers backward through her short black hair. "Gendo Ikari, in the name of humanity, acts with disregard toward individual humans, even the one whom he holds in highest esteem." Who was that? Was that her? "He must truly believe in his ends, if he is willing to endanger his own body and face his surrogate daughter to achieve them. Ultimately, however, he acts in self-interest."

But what did that have to do with anything? I wasn't sure what to make of it, and I wished Rei would stop talking so elliptically. I walked across the subway car and sat down beside her. "I just want to know what you feel, inside," I said. "I just want to know what goes on inside your head."

She closed her eyes and kissed me, on the lips.

I woke up to four hard piano chords, the beginning of one of Schumann's symphonic etudes. I must have dozed off while thinking about Ayanami and listening to one of the softer tracks. My SDAT was pressing into my side from where I'd rolled over onto it, and I was surprised the "stop" button hadn't gotten pressed in my sleep. I rolled, and the pressure stopped. After cutting off the SDAT, I sat on the side of my bed, realizing how tired I must have been. I think the rest did me good.

The dream came back to me in vivid yet blurry segments. I remembered Rei, and her smooth arms, and her book. I couldn't remember a word she said, but the low, quiet, even melody of her voice came back to me sharp as a CD recording. I almost cried again when I realized that I wouldn't hear that voice again, except in my head. It was clear then, true, but I was experienced enough to know that these things fade with time. I couldn't remember the sound of my mother's voice at all.

I recalled Rei's kiss, which was a recollection without much substance, compared to the other parts of my dream. Her lips hadn't really felt like anything, although I'd felt the pressure of them on mine. Probably so vague, I reasoned, because I'd never kissed her before. And I'd never get the chance. Maybe her kisses really didn't have much substance--I doubt she'd had the practice, anyway--but I couldn't even know now.

I wished I had a picture of her. I expect I would have talked to it, at that point. It occurred to me to look at the clock, so I did, observing it to be 10:27. Meaning I'd slept for about six hours. Missed dinner. Which explained why I was hungry.

I went into the kitchen. Misato was there, sitting at the table, without Asuka. Good; I didn't want to see Asuka, because that would be uncomfortable. I couldn't believe the stuff I'd said to her earlier that day. "You're up," Misato said, beer in hand. "How you feelin'?"

I shrugged, walking past her to the refrigerator. There was some bread in it, so I pulled it out for toast. In the pantry was a box of tea. I took it to the counter and started to get out a tea bag, but Misato stood up and put her hand on mine.

"Hold it," she said. I looked up at her--don't ask me what my expression said, I can't see my own face. "Do you wanna talk about her? Rei, I mean? You can have a beer." She sounded serious, and she might have been drunk.

I appreciated the gesture, also figuring that she wouldn't remember anything I'd say, so I could tell her how I really felt. "All right," I said, sitting down and popping the tab on a beer.

Misato smiled. "Yeah. Nice. ...I'll bet this is a lot to take in for you, huh?"

"Right," I said, staring at my beer. "I..."

"You...?" she asked.

"Well, it. I don't know." I paused and took a sip of my beer, then coughed. It was a lot to take in. "I don't know why it bothers me anyway, 'cause I hardly knew her."

"Beer too strong?"

I'm stronger than a beer. I set the can down away from me, refuting myself. "Yes."

"I know how that feels. No," she laughed, interrupting herself, "not too-strong beer, I mean hardly knowing Rei. I never got the opportunity, 'cause I'm just another NERV officer to her. When you two pilots came along, I thought maybe she'd meet some people she could relate to. Hoped it, anyway."

A pause. Her words were a little slurred, so I supposed that she was on her third or fourth one. "I guess we were a disappointment," I said.

"You really liked her, didn't you? I mean, you really wish you had known her better."

"I guess so." I got up to put my bread in the toaster.

"Well, d'you think you liked her? As in mighta wanted to go out with her?"

Yes, absolutely. "I don't know. ...It's mostly the possibilities that get me. If I'd known she was going to...if I'd known ahead of time, I mean, then maybe I would have ask--maybe I would have thought more about it." Did I really almost say that? Forget beer, I wasn't even stronger than myself. I didn't feel like I could tell Misato everything.

She looked sad. "Carpay dium," she said softly. "Seize the day. We all got regrets, Shinji, and sometimes you just have to live with 'em. Life's a fragile little thing." Now she looked me in the eyes and asked, "Shinji, do you believe in fate?"

I didn't know. "Yeah. I mean, maybe. I mean, I can't see how Rei could have not turned into an Angel, even if it was dumb luck that she got the right sickness to make it happen. Or if it was God's will or some crap like that." I was surprised by my own anger at that possibility. "Are the Angels agents of His wrath, Misato? Where do they come from?"

"I don't honestly know, Shinji," she replied. "I don't know."

She took a drink of beer, and I hadn't wanted to hear that answer from her. Even if she didn't know, she was supposed to give me her opinion. Something that made sense, something to hold onto, or at least something...but then she went and made the world even more ambiguous. Rei had died, everything else was blurry, and I didn't know what to do.

What was NERV? What were the Angels? And why? Every time someone dies, it leaves the world that much emptier...I didn't want to be left alone in the emptiness. And Misato sure wasn't helping. I took a sip of my beer, swallowed uncomfortably, and almost broke down crying in her arms.

I admit, I probably should have done that, anyway. But her answer dissatisfied me, and I was still resentful that she hadn't done anything one way or another for Rei. And more than that: I knew these weren't good reasons. I needed arms to collapse into, and Misato had already indicated that hers were open by offering me a beer. I ultimately didn't do anything because I was afraid it would hurt worse than staying inside of me.

The awkward silence between us was broken by toast. My two slices of toast, forgotten in the toaster, had suddenly popped up--which, I now realize, meant the silence couldn't have been over a minute or two, at most. We both looked over at it, and she gave a quiet, tentative laugh. "I've lost someone close to me too," she said. "We never really get over these things, but life goes on. Just keeps movin'."

I collected my toast. "Can I eat this in my room?"

"Sure," she said. "G'night, Shinji."

"Good night." I left for my room.

As I was sitting there, eating my second piece, I remembered that Rei's hair had been black in my dream. My theory is that my subconscious did that in an attempt to make her just like any other Japanese girl, but without doing anything to her personal uniqueness.

Asuka caught me off-guard in the morning. Not by anything she did, but that her mere presence was a little upsetting. So you're eating breakfast with her, the day after she killed a fellow pilot; what do you say? I hadn't thought about her at all since the incident, and when she walked into the kitchen my grapefruit squirted me in the eye.

We exchanged hi's, at her prompting, and passed the rest of breakfast in silence. I was afraid to mention Rei's death to her, because I thought maybe she'd not be the least bit remorseful. I'm pretty certain I still blamed her, too. I left before her, accompanied by Touji and Kensuke, as usual.

Kensuke was all over me for information about yesterday's battle. "So, Shinji," he asked me, "tell me what happened with the Angel the other day. What did it look like? Was it a tough fight?"

"Um...I don't know," I replied. "I wasn't there."

"Wasn't there? Why not?"

"I, well, I refused to fight."

He seemed taken aback by this. "Refused to fight? Why on earth would you do that? Shinji, you've got the coolest job in Tokyo-3! What could possibly make you not want to fight?"

"Maybe 'cause NERV thinks people aren't as important as itself?" suggested Touji, more right than he would ever know.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said. I knew I couldn't lie, so I'd been trying to skirt the issue of Rei by convincing Kensuke I couldn't tell him anything.

"They got to you, didn't they?" he asked, somewhat accusingly. I looked at him quizzically. "Don't act like you don't know they're trying to cover it up. They didn't show any footage on the news, just this blurb about the Angel being defeated, and none of my contacts online can find mpegs of it. I can't even get through to one of them--I just get back messages like his account is deactivated. So don't pretend you don't know!"

"I really don't know," I insisted weakly.

"You can trust me," he said. "I won't tell a soul." Except your two million internet friends. "I'm your pal, Shinji, you know you can trust me!"

Touji cut in. "I really don't think he knows anything, Kensuke. Just cool it."

"All right," Kensuke said with a sigh. "But it really is weird how I can't find anything at all about this."

Kensuke wasn't the only one who wanted to know what had happened. A few other enthusiasts had questions of their own, but after I convinced them that I hadn't been there, they realized I couldn't tell them anything. Except who the Angel had been, but they didn't need to know that. I managed to get through the day more or less on autopilot--I played ball with Touji and some other guys at break, so I wouldn't have to think about anything--but after-school was another story.

I was about to cross the street to head home when Asuka called out after me. "Shinji!" she called sharply, running after me. "Hold up!" She approached me, only slightly out of breath. "Where are you going? We've got Eva training today!"

I was a bit surprised, so I didn't respond immediately. "I quit, though. Yesterday."

She stared at me incredulously. "What do you mean, you quit? You can't just drop your responsibilities like that. I thought you were just being a wuss, because you couldn't stand to fight your Wondergirl. Come on." She grabbed my wrist.

"No," I said, with what passed for firmness for me. "Now let me go. I, I'm not piloting any more." A small group had gathered around us, I noticed, and this remark sent a murmur rippling through it.

"The heck you are!" she retorted. "You come, now! We need every pilot we can get now--you said so yourself the other day!"

"They took away my access card..."

"You can use mine. Come on! Quit being so stubborn!" She jerked on my wrist, and was surprised when I pulled it back, broke her grip and stepped away. "Okay, you want to play that way? I'll pound your face if you don't come with me." She meant it, too. I looked her in the eye, recognizing a flicker of the same glare I'd seen directed against countless Angels. They'd all lost. Why was I even going through with this?

I hadn't really had time to think about that, but I briefly recalled Rei more quickly than it takes to think her name. I balled up my fists and raised them, a noble gesture of futility. This was stupid; Asuka could easily take me in a fight; I had no exper--

I exhaled sharply, doubling over and closing my eyes in pain. When I opened them, my vision blurred, and I clutched at Asuka's fist, still in my stomach. I missed, and her arm merged into the pavement, which merged into my own hands. My hands merged into the crowd, which merged into the sky, which merged into Asuka's face.

She alternated between blurry and in-focus. Her eyes wide, she breathed, "Oh, wow. I didn't think you would go down so easily. Here, I'll help you up." She extended a hand to me, which I took, and pulled me to my feet, which hurt. My arms and hands stung, and I wasn't sure how I still managed to breathe. "Now, let's go."

I wasn't going back. Breaking free of her grasp on my hand, I pushed through the crowd and rushed away, surprised that she didn't pursue me. In retrospect, I suppose it was because she was just as surprised as I. But no, I was not getting in one of those machines again. Not for the world.

When I got back to the apartment, I found that I'd forgotten to take my key that morning. I couldn't get in until Misato got home, then, and Asuka would almost certainly come looking for me there if she was still following me. It seemed pretty likely to me at the time, however unlikely it actually was. So, I decided to go to Rei's apartment.

I wasn't surprised to find it unlocked; it certainly was in keeping with my previous experience. I went into her bedroom and sat down on the bed, observing the austere living conditions--exactly as she'd left them. The bed itself had little give, and I imagined what it would be like to sleep on it each night. I sighed, tapped a foot on the gray tile floor.

My shirt was clinging to my chest. I realized I was sweating pretty heavily from running over there, since it had been a hot day, and my gut still hurt from the stomach punch. Thus, I decided to take a shower in her bathroom. Towels were already available--plain white ones--so I stripped down and climbed in under the hot spray of water.

It felt good. I thought about how Rei had used this same shower every day for the same purpose, and wondered if she appreciated that feeling. The shower was a place to escape to, a place where the only reality was water and heat. But what did she have to escape?

At this point I realized how futile it was to speculate about Rei's feelings on the shower, so I just thought about Rei instead.

I stepped out, toweled off, and thought about how ironic it would be if she encountered me then and stammered out an embarrassed apology. I would have liked that. But she never got flustered--not by awkward situations, not by Asuka, not by Angels, not by anything. So unlike me.

I always ran away. Rather than resolve conflict or smash it to bits, I preferred to avoid it at all costs. I always followed orders, just because it was easier that way, and it was what they expected of me. But either way, there was conflict, and there was pain. Asuka wanted to beat me up for leaving, I knew that they wouldn't let me quit easily, and my father expected me to come back. It was the only reason I was worth anything, as NERV's instrument.

But there was the pain of being NERV's instrument. An Eva can take a lot of punishment, but the pilot feels it all, as a result of synchronization. My first fight had nearly left me traumatized. And then the pain of knowing you were working for an organization that used people as instruments, that didn't think twice about making and killing their own pilots as they needed to. The image of Rei, Angelic Rei, flashed into my mind against my will, and I shut my eyes and held my head to make it go away.

For her sake? Would quitting for her sake really do anything? Maybe I just couldn't take the pain any longer, and was running away. My absence wouldn't do anything; NERV was huge; they would just stick another Ayanami in an entry plug and keep blasting away at their adversaries. Of course Asuka wouldn't abandon them either. So where did that leave me? Insignificant.

But they had killed her! I couldn't just stand by after that. With all their technology, there must have been some way to fix her DNA so she'd go back to normal. And her illness--they hadn't even been concerned about it! If the doctors had just looked into it, all it would have taken was a little human compassion and preventive medicine...I felt myself getting worked up. Rei meant too much to me, for whatever stupid reason, for me to just stand by and let them abuse people in the name of humanity. I had to do something, useless or not...didn't I?

I sat down on the edge of her bed, having put my clothes back on, and wondered why I had never done anything before. I mean, maybe this was a futile gesture, leaving an organization that didn't need me for some irrational ideal that wouldn't be fulfilled by my actions anyway. Quitting would neither bring Rei back, nor avenge her death...but why hadn't I done anything before?

I had never really talked to her, never really offered to help her with anything, never just hung out with her like friends do. The basketball thing had been the first time that I'd even done something unimportant with her! I could have done things worth Rei before, but now it was too late. My only option was something empty now.

All the same, it had to be done, because I wouldn't let myself do anything else. So it was useless in the grand scheme of things. I wanted a bigger meaning to my actions, but the fact of the matter was I couldn't have it. All the same, it would mean something to me. All the same. So what, so what.

I laughed in spite of myself. So this was the thought, the phrase that gave me resolution to go through with my plans and endure whatever pain would come from it. So what. I was really strong, yeah...strong like a blade of grass, with no will and no control over the big things in life. The wind blows, the rain falls, and the grass bends to greater forces. "So what?" I said out loud, and laughed again.

I flopped back, lying on the edge of her bed, and laughed and laughed and laughed until tears streamed down my face.

When I came home, Asuka and Misato were both there, the latter fixing "dinner" while the former watched TV. I was said hi to by Misato and, en route to my room, tried to ignore Asuka, who would not be ignored.

"Well, it's the runaway," she said. "I'm surprised you didn't just skip town completely."

"Um," I said. I waited for her to do more, say something or maybe hit me again, but she just sat there, staring at me. I looked at her chin. Finally, it became obvious that she wasn't going to say anything, so I took another step toward my room.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

That stopped me. Shouldn't I? Something to say for me? About why I quit piloting?

No. But something to say for Rei.

"I-I do have something," I said, turning back to face her. "As, as a matter of fact, I do."

"Don't just stand there stammering, then. Fire."

"Well," I began. "I just wanted to say that, you couldn't understand why I." Pause for breath, inhale shakily. "Would e-ever give up piloting. Because you think you're doing something great for humanity. And you saw what I did, yeah, but because you never took the time to understand Rei, you didn't see..."

"Didn't see what?" She looked at me skeptically. "Just what was I so blind to?"

"That she's a person too!

"You never understood that, did you?" I continued. "That NERV uses people! She wasn't an Angel, she was a person, at least before God got a hold of her! And you never even took the time to get to know her!"

Asuka opened her mouth. I cut her off.

"She wasn't just a rival who always showed you up, or an adversary to smash, or even a copilot to tolerate and get along with! She was a human being! You're blind to what you had in common! Don't you see that? And an organization that sacrifices people for some "greater good"--to them you're just another expendable Eva jockey!"

"Shut up!" she managed to get in. "They can't replace my tal--"

"That doesn't change the facts! YOU KILLED REI!"

Pause for breath, inhale shakily. And then just try to look Ikari Shinji in the eye.

"Since when did you stop running?" she asked, managing to make eye contact with me.

Suddenly it hit me, what I'd just done. I had just talked down Asuka, in a tirade that had culminated in an impassioned scream. Me. Ikari Shinji, the coward of the universe. I don't know how I managed that, at all.

"I didn't..." I finally said, in a small voice. I wasn't looking at her anymore, finding my feet much easier to look at.

"So," she finally responded. "You're siding with your Angel, huh? Fine, that's your decision. We don't need another traitor working for us. I'll do just fine without you, Ikari!" She jabbed my chest with her index finger, somewhat surprised by how little it gave. With that, she retreated to her room.

I didn't tell her that she was wrong, though, on all points. I felt like I needed to sit down and recover my breath, which I had been losing quite a bit that day. I felt like I was losing everything, and it wasn't as bad as I had expected.

I called him up. My father. Commander Ikari.

"Gendo Ikari speaking."

I really was not sure what to say--I hadn't planned how to approach this or anything, just felt that I needed to make my quitting official--so I said it the first way that came to mind. "I want to lose everything!" I blurted.

"What? Shinji, is that you?"

I took a deep breath. I hadn't meant to put it that way, and I hoped he hadn't really caught it. "Yes. I called to...to make sure you know that I've, uh, terminated my status as a pilot."

"Of course I know. We canceled your access card."

"Oh," I said, after a long pause. "O-Okay."

"Of course, given that you will no longer be piloting, you will return to live with your aunt and uncle. There is no need for you to continue to live in Tokyo-3." Huh? "You will leave within the week. Someone, most likely Major Katsuragi, will inform you once your train home is scheduled." That was it? And now I would have to go back? Leave school and...well, whatever else there was to leave...Misato's apartment, I guess...

I never had thought I mattered to them, but I still hadn't been expecting this. "I thought you needed me to pilot," I said.

"For the time being, Asuka and...our backup...will be sufficient." He didn't know that I knew who his backup was. "The eventual completion of the dummy plug project will also aid NERV greatly. Furthermore, it would seem that you yourself do not wish to pilot." He knew he was right, and his silence indicated it.

"Yeah...true." I didn't mind that he wasn't begging me to come back or anything. What stung, though, was his official tone and businesslike acceptance of my resignation. Wasn't he my father? I sighed.

"I believe I've told you all you need to know. Are we finished?" he asked me.

"I guess," I replied.

He said goodbye, then, and I didn't, and we hung up. I sat down on the sofa, still not knowing why he'd been willing to risk his life as a conduit for the dummy plug. So what? I didn't care. He didn't care either, and that's why I had called him in the first place.

NERV didn't care, either. They didn't care about any of the pilots, although it sometimes appeared that they did. And when they did care--Ritsuko telling me about what really happened, or Misato offering me a drink, for instance--that was independent of their ties to NERV. But my father...he had given the impression, I expect to Rei most of all, that she was an important person, and then he himself had turned around and killed her. They could care less what happened to people; all they could see was some generalized 'humanity' or 'greater good.'

And that was why I was opposing them. But they were an organization, much more powerful than me, and I was just one cowardly, no-will boy, who ran from his problems. They had replacement pilots. What good had my choice done?

Who were they fighting, anyway? Angels--which might or might not be agents of God, as Misato had said. Maybe if NERV really was opposing God, maybe they were ultimately fighting a losing battle...but even then, what did it mean to me? Where was the significance of my decision and my life?

I was small, a single individual, and a weak one at that. Was I just a tile in God's massive Mah Jongg game, to be revealed and removed in due time? I might have died sometime in the future if I hadn't quit piloting, but that just extended my life. It still didn't mean I could make a lasting and important impression on the world.

But couldn't some small action accomplish what it set out to, possibly? Wasn't that what made actions meaningful? Whether they succeeded? Down the road, any weakening of NERV might have greater effects. One less person doing their thing, and one more person who stood for something else. What if Asuka came to understand them, through my actions? Asuka, with her strong will and unbeatable resolution. Hypothetically, that might make a difference...

Hypothetically. In the long run, my actions might not be meaningless, but they very well might. It was a weak argument, and I knew it; I slumped back on the sofa and sighed. Why couldn't I be certain?

Well, it just wasn't an option. In any case, the question was academic. I couldn't change my mind now; Rei had already made it up for me.

Before I left, I called her apartment and left a message on her answering machine.

"Hi, Rei? This is Shinji. Uh, Shinji Ikari. I don't know if you've heard of me, or remember me, or what, but I piloted with you. I'm leaving NERV and Tokyo-3 pretty soon now, and I just wanted to tell you--"

That NERV was using her as a tool, and would dispense with her as soon as they had no need of her? That they would kill a person in the name of 'the greater good?' That my father didn't have an ounce of compassion in his soul? That she should resist?

That I ran away for her sake?

"--Well, I, I don't know if you remember it, but thanks for smiling for me. Bye."

Click.

THE END

--

Wow! I'm finally finished! This thing has taken me at least two years to write, and the idea had been germinating even before that. It kinda started out as an experiment in foreshadowing. I had this great idea with the gene repressors and all, and knowing that Rei would eventually die, I decided to try foreshadowing it effectively. Do you think the foreshadowing was too obvious? Did Rei's death catch you by surprise? Did you feel an ominous foreboding? I hope I struck just the right balance of disclosure.

Shinji, when I write from his perspective, contains a lot of me. Sometimes I feel that my own will isn't free; like Shinji in this fic, I value my relationships with other individuals; I have played basketball to be with friends, despite being a lousy ball player. Even given such similarities, I tried to accurately depict how Shinji would feel if Rei died like that, and ever since Off Track, I've wanted to try a fic in which Shinji has the guts to stick with his decision to quit. Also, Shinji can be much more depressed that I am, so I tried to work in some good, appropriate, existenial anxiety about cosmic significance. In short, I am telling the story of Shinji telling his story. How was my Shinji? I hope I hit the nail on the head there.

It's a serious fic, but there's no real moral this time. I just set out to write something good, and maybe communicate that it's worth taking chances...and whatever else the story ends up communicating. I'd like C&C, as always; do you think I succeeded in my attempt to write something good? By Shinji's definition, was my act of ficwriting meaningful? Please send your comments to .

I'd like to note a few things, before I quit 'debriefing' here. I'd like to give credit to God for creating me, and for creating me with this love of writing. If there's any writing talent shown in this fic, it's a "gift from the Father of lights," so to speak, and there's a sense in which any idea behind this fic is something God thought of first, regardless of His opinion on the idea.

Also, there are a few songs that inspired me somewhat in writing this fic. I'll list them here, in part to give thanks and credit to the bands who created them, and in part for you. You may want to listen to them and see how the lyrics relate to the story, and how much they relate. Whether that interests you or not, the songs are: "Engel" by Rammstein (after which I eventually titled this fic), "Run Away" by Linkin Park (I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!), "She's an Angel" by They Might Be Giants, and Schumann's symphonic etudes. No, I don't know what an etude is.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story.