Author's Notes: Inspiration for the Cat's action scene is derived from Doug Naylor's novel Last Human. Cheers, Doug.

Kochanski had taken to wearing a ratty old pair of jeans since she’d started her new joke of a life. They were the only pair she had. She couldn’t go and buy a new pair of khakis or spandex or a skirt or anything. When she wasn’t working, she had to wear this ratty old pair of blue jeans. So imagine her discomfort when she woke and found they didn’t fit anymore.

All the food she’d eaten all day had finally taken its toll, and she found it more than a little difficult to button the front of the pants up.

Fortunately, she was saved by the GELFs who were looking after her. They needed to get her new measurements in order to prepare her new sacrificial robes. It was bittersweet.

“We shall see that your new outfit is splendid. It must be fit for Apearlo herself.”

“Mmmm,” Kochanski mumbled. “Yes, a goddess won’t take a pair of dirty blue jeans, will she now?”

The GELFs either ignored or didn’t notice her sarcasm. They measured around her bust, her arms, her legs and finally, her waist. She didn’t bother to look at the measuring tape. Even in the GELFs’ metric system, she just didn’t want to die knowing she wasn’t a size eight anymore.

“Would you like to see what your robes will look like?” one of the designers asked.

Kochanski grimaced. “No, that’s alright, I don’t think I…”

She trailed off when she saw that she was already being shown the picture of the extravagant gowns.

“Oh, that is pretty…,” she murmured.

The Dwarfers wandered the streets on in the marketplace. They were trying to figure out what to do and how to do it.

Lister was leading the troop along what was, put simply, a sidewalk of some sort. He watched as all the strange, strange creatures walked about, selling, buying, drinking, laughing, bartering and what have you. His eyes flitted through the crowds, watching them all with cautious eyes.

He was about to suggest they had back for Starbug and plot out a new course of action. Perhaps they’d be able to get a bearing on her through her ID, now that they knew she was here. But something in the marketplace made him decide on a new plan.

There was a particular GELF standing before one of the stalls. He was purchasing what looked like candles. He was wearing a long overcoat and a large hat. But what drew Lister’s attention to him was the lack of right leg. He couldn’t help but stare at the peg leg that was under the creature’s wide girth.

“Smeggin…,” he whispered.

The GELF completed his purchase and tipped his hat to the stallholder and turned, preparing to dive back into the basic traffic.

Lister stopped moving, causing, Cat, then Rimmer and then Kryten to all bump into him.

“What’s the deal, bud?” Cat asked.

“Shhh, look,” Lister whispered.

The others looked across the street at the GELF and stared. While one half of the body was a normal GELF body, the other half had a robotic eye, a robotic hand with many extra features, and a steam-piston leg that clanked when he walked.

“Captain Sliver…,” Kryten whispered, remembering the name.

But before they could decide how to handle the situation, Sliver started moving again, and he disappeared into the crowd.

“He’ll know where Kriss is,” Lister said, pointing in the direction he’d gone. “We’ve gotta catch up with him.”

The Cat, without hesitation, removed his yellow flannel jacket, folded it neatly in two and held it out to Kryten as if it were the Turin shroud. “Guard it with your life, bud, and I mean your life.”

“Sir, you can count on it.”

“If you get trapped in a burning building, promise me the jacket leaves first.”

“Sir, protecting this jacket is my new reason to live.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear.”

And in a cloud of dust, he was off.

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten watched him leave before Rimmer faced Kryten. “Were you just being sarcastic? I can never tell with you.”

The Cat weaved past a group of onlookers and started to tail Captain Sliver as he headed towards a large building. He managed to see he wasn’t going inside, but was instead going around it. With his prey’s location determined, he leapt over two GELFs carrying a roll of carpet, side-stepped an overturned fruit stand and flung himself onto a fountain in the middle of the street, which he rebounded off of and somersaulted through the air, changing his general direction as he landed, and he vanished down the alley.

Captain Sliver heard somebody coming up behind and slowly turned around, and he was quite startled when he saw the Cat’s insane grin no more than two inches from his face.

“Hi, buddy!”

“Who are you? What do you want of me?” he demanded.

And then Lister, Rimmer and Kryten ran up, the first of which was panting as he stumbled behind Cat and clapped him on the shoulder, allowing the feline to back down and rejoin the others.

“You’re Captain Sliver, right?” Lister asked, managing to get his strength back.

“Who wants to know?”

“Dave Lister. We run the mining ship, Red Dwarf. You rescued our crewmate a few years back. We’ve come for her.”

Captain Sliver stared at Lister like he was a genital wart before his only eyebrow rose in realization. “Kristine Kochanski?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“Yes! Can she come back with us?”

“I’m afraid it is no longer my authority.”

“But you’re captain, sir!” Kryten objected.

“I’m afraid she was sold off only a few days ago.”

Lister let out a growl in anguish as he stamped his foot in frustration. But the others held on to hope.

“Who was she sold to?” Rimmer asked.

“To the Kinitawowi GELF Tribe on the neighboring Asteroid 3-30288/D. Roughly about a six hour trip.”

“Cheers, man,” Lister said, slightly relieved, and they turned to leave.

“I’d recommend you scarper pronto,” Sliver called after them. “She is in grave danger.”

The Dwarfers halted and slowly turned around to look at him.

“Why?” Lister asked slowly.

Sliver almost didn’t look him in the eye, but when he did, they saw the remorse his real eye carried. “She was sold as a sacrifice to their goddess.”

“Aw hell,” Cat said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“You what?!” Lister yelled.

“You don’t understand the circumstances! I have to find ways to make ends meet!”

“You put were able to decide your smegging liquid assets were more important than another’s life?!”

“I’m sorry!”

“No, you’re not! But you’re gonna be!”

Lister almost jumped the Captain, but Cat and Rimmer succeeded in holding him down.

Kryten pleasantly ignored the struggle and approached Sliver himself. “I don’t suppose you could give us coordinates to Miss Kochanski’s location, could you? If you’ll help us, we won’t mention your involvement at all.”

Sliver stared at the mechanoid for a few moments before he held up his robotic hand. His fingers all fused together and a formed a small pointed pyramid. A pair of alligator clips snaked out the hand.

“This may sting a little,” he warned.

“Ready to receive data, sir,” Kryten replied.

Kryten felt the two clips latch onto his inlet, located in his neck. He felt a sudden onslaught of data flood his systems. Then, in an instant, it was over, and all necessary information had been transferred to his CPU. The clips disconnected and snaked back over to Sliver.

“Ah, thank you, sir,” the mech said, smiling a plasticly.

“Yes, well…,” Sliver said. “I wouldn’t recommend taking the shuttle. If you went that way, you’d have armored guards surrounding you all the way to the sacrificial grounds. You’d need to find another way to get there so you can sneak in.”

“Thank you, sir. We shall attempt.”

Lister had by now stopped thrashing, but Rimmer and Cat held his arms just in case. He watched the Cyber-GELF suspiciously as Kryten walked back to them.

“Suggest we motor, sirs.”

“Yeah… Yeah, right,” Lister said, calming down.

Sliver watched as they started to leave, and a thought occurred to him.

“Oh, one more thing!”

They stopped and warily looked at him again.

“Her Blue Midget was sold to the local Used Shuttlecraft Dealer. It’s not far from here. Just go down the street for about a mile. …You know, if you could use it.”

Lister smiled courteously. “Cheers, man. We’ll look into it.”

Sliver nodded in reply and turned and left. He hobbled slowly down the alley and vanished around the corner.

Lister watched him leave for a few moments before he went to follow the others.

Kochanski stared at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her new sacrificial robes. They were long and flowing. They were a sort of off-white, and she had several large pink bows hanging from it, as wells as a beautiful wreath of flowers around her head.

“Yes… Yes, very pretty,” she said to herself.

The GELF High Priestess poked her head through the door and saw her. She immediately walked across the large room and headed towards her.

“Ma’am, you’re looking fit for our goddess!” she said.

Kochanski regarded her strangely. “Erm… Thanks.”

“We shall take you to the sacrificial ring within the hour. In six hours, you will know what it means to be a part of the Kinitawowi tribe!”

“I’ve got a fair idea already, yes.”

“Would you like anything before we depart? Have someone brush your hair? Spruce up your outfit? One last meal maybe?”

“How about you let me off and find some other sucker to be devoured by your goddess?”

There was a silence.

The High Priestess pulled out a communicator and pressed the transmitter. “Last meal it is,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am,” the voice replied.

Kochanski sighed despondently.