SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne

Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.

Note: This is a multi-genre story.

Part 2

This is an SOS ‘distress call’ from the mining ship ‘SS Red Dwarf’. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Third Technician David Lister, who had been placed in suspended animation prior to the accident, and his pregnant cat, which had been safely sealed away in a containment hold. Revived three million years later, Lister’s only companions is a life form that evolved from his cat, Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer, a holographic simulation of one of the dead crewmembers, and a self-proclaimed “goddess” named Usagi Tsukino.

Addendum: As the days go by, we face the inevitable conclusion that the crew is nothing more than mere playthings of some unknown, cruel cosmic entity…with ADD. End transmission.

Months later…

“Rise and shine, everyone,” Usagi said, as she bang on the table in Lister and Rimmer quarters.

“Oy,” Lister said, as he rolls over in his bunk. “Do you HAVE to wake me up in the morning?”

“Hey, it was either me in charge, or Rimmer,” Usagi said. “And I KNOW that you hate performing duties involving ‘ship operations’. Or do I need to remind you of that officer’s examination fiasco?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lister said, as he gets out of his bunk while scratching his stomach. He then looks around.

“Hey, where’s Rimmer anyway?”

“Oh, he’s doing his calisthenics,” Usagi said, as she jots down notes on her clipboard.

“But…he’s a hologram,” Lister said. “That’s like me belching to the tune of ‘God Save the Queen’, and calling it a symphony.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about it,” Usagi said. “I made modifications to his holographic emitter…”

“Like WHAT?”

Down in the cargo hold, the hologram Rimmer is jogging around the parameter in an endless loop. He was obviously showing signs of being over-worked.

“I’m…going…to…make…meatball…head…pay…for this!” Rimmer said, just as he was about to pass Cat, who was lounging in a lounge chair.

“Hey, CAT!” Rimmer said, as he slows down a bit while jogging in place. “How many laps was that?”

Cat removes the cucumbers from his eyes and looks up at Rimmer.

“What is it, ‘Goal Post’?” Cat said. “Can’t you see I’m taking a beauty sleep?”

“You’re suppose to be counting my laps around the parameter, ‘smeg-head’,” Rimmer said.

“Oh. Right. Um, that was ‘one’.”

Rimmer growls, as he continues his jog.

“I’m REALLY going to make meatball head pay for this!”

Later that morning at the command area…

“Okay, thanks for your arrival to this morning meeting,” said Usagi, as the crew of the Red Dwarf arrives. “And I would like to especially thank Rimmer for his ‘considerable’ work on converting my shower into a paint dispenser.”

At the moment, Usagi was covered in a blue paint that was that stained her skin.

“Wow, you look like ‘Smurfette’,” Lister said, as he drank his coffee.

“Well, it doesn’t look bad,” said Cat. “You look kind of sexy, Captain.”

“Ah, yes, well, unfortunately, I’ll have to undergo a skin peel…literally.”

“Well, look at this way,” Rimmer said. “You’ll no longer be depressed.”

“I’m not depressed- oh,” Usagi said with realization. “Ha, ha, Rimmer.”

“See? She proved she’s quick on the uptake,” Rimmer said, as he sipped the equivalent of a holographic beverage. Since coming to the mining ship Red Dwarf, Usagi has been making changes to ship operations, while allowing some latitude to take place. Lister didn’t mind Usagi being in charge, though Rimmer, always power-hungry, did. It wasn’t until Holly delved into the ship’s records that it was learned that Usagi was a qualified starship captain, which made the issue of who was in charge moot.

Not that Usagi’s status would stop Rimmer from scheming against her command, when it suits him…

“ANYWAY, this is our present situation,” Usagi said, as she activates the main holographic projector. It shows the picture of the so-called “Three Galaxies”, which consists of the Milky Way, the Andromeda Galaxy and the Triangulum Galaxy. “When Red Dwarf was placed in its original quarantine, it stayed on a fixed, orbital trajectory that led it to the center of the Three Galaxies.”

“Holly, why didn’t you turn around to Earth earlier?” Lister asked.

“Well, they say that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line,” Holly said.

“But you piloted the ship on a circular orbit, you daft computer,” Rimmer said.

“Well, my navigation sensors use a convex lens systems.”

“Huh.”

“Anyway, as soon as Red Dwarf returned to the Milky Way, Kat’s people began to make preparations for the eventual return to Earth, except that civil war broke out over the color of…hats.”

“Hey, if you’re fashion conscious, this can be a very important thing to consider,” Cat protested.

“Nevertheless, we have to deal with the notion that the supplies are not plentiful, and that we will need refueling.”

“Well, there’s only me, you, Cat and Holly,” Lister said.

“Excuse me?” Rimmer protested.

“Oh, and Rimmer.”

“THANK YOU,” Rimmer said. “Just because I am a hologram, that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.”

“Rimmer, holograms don’t have feelings, and you never HAD feelings when you were flesh and blood.”

“I would think that I had grown from my experiences.”

“That’s bloody unlikely…”

“Gentle beings, we can deal with the exposition stuff later,” Usagi said. “As of now, given our present level of technology, it will take us no less than seven years to reach Earth…assuming that it’s still there.”

“Can’t you use that mumbo-jumbo you’re always spouting?” Rimmer asked.

“It’s called ‘magic’, and I told you that it will be a while before I am at my peak again. For now, I’m training my body so that I CAN do ‘mumbo-jumbo’.”

“And again, there’s no such thing a magic and all the other superstitious nonsense,” Lister said. “All it is psychic energy personified.”

“You say ‘tomato’, and I say I’ll make you a believer.”

“When you can bring back Kolchanski, then we’ll deal.”

“You’re on-“

“Oh, before I forget, we’re picking up a signal,” Holly said.

“What is it, Holly?” Usagi asked.

“What is what?”

“You just mentioned a signal Red Dwarf just picked up,” Lister said.

“Um…”

“He forgot,” Cat said, as he shook his head.

Usagi sighed. Trying to get Holly’s computer core up to par was like trying to find a needle in a haystack, after realizing it was stuck in one’s rump.

“Holly, re-scan the area for ANY anomaly,” Usagi said. “Focus on possible intelligent contact.”

“Maybe it’ll be aliens,” Rimmer said excitedly.

“What’s with you an aliens anyway?” Lister asked.

“Well, if we find an alien, maybe he, she or it can help me by creating a new body.”

“I seriously doubt that will be possible,” Usagi said. “They would need a sample worthy of using to make the body.”

“In other words, you’ll come back as toad,” Cat said. “Although, you would look nice as a rat.”

“Ha, ha,” Rimmer said. “Very funny…”

“Contact has been made,” Holly said. “It’s from an ancient Earth, the ‘SS Nova-5’.”

“Patch the signal to the ‘Ops’,” Usagi said.

CHIRP!

An android with an unusually shaped head appears on screen.

“Thank goodness!” said the android. “My name is ‘Kryten’. I am a service mechanoid aboard the SS Nova-5. We had a terrible accident. All the male crewmembers died on impact. The female crewmembers are alive with stable condition. Please help us.”

“Did he say female?” Cat said, as he perked up.

“How many?” Rimmer asked.

“Three, sir,” Kryten replied. “They are Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Ann. I am transmitting medical details to you now.”

The screen splits into photos and data of the mentioned crewmates. They were conveniently blond, redhead, and brunette…

“Hot damn,” Rimmer said. “Babes.”

“Like YOU can take advantage of the situation,” Lister said. “I’d see Usagi taking advantage of the situation than you do.”

“Well, I have something that Usagi doesn’t have,” Rimmer said, as he tried to thump his chest in a bravado way.

“Narcissism?”

“No, being a guy.”

“So you’re saying that I could not please a woman?” Usagi said.

“You do realize that you are a woman?” Rimmer said, as he stuck his hands up in quotations.

“And do YOU realize that you lack substance?” Usagi asked.

“Look, Usagi, at least meeting these new birds will give us an outlet,” Lister said.

“I suppose so,” replied Usagi, remember how she caught the male peeping a few times in the past month. “But remember, this is a rescue mission, not a opportunity to pick up ‘babes’.”

“No problem,” Rimmer said, “I will be both an officer…and a gentleman.”

“Good,” Usagi said. She turns towards Holly.

“Holly, what is our ETA to Kryten’s position?”

“We can get there on impulse power within 24 hours,” Holly said. “Or a day, which ever is fastest.”

“Best speed then,” Usagi said, as she sweated bullets. She then turns towards the image of Kryten. “Kryten, we will be at your position ASAP.”

“Understood, mum,” Kryten said. “We will be waiting.”

“Looking forward to meeting to you,” Usagi said with a smile. “Red Dwarf: out.”

“Chirp!”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but my six nipples are tingling,” Cat said with a smile, before leaving Ops. “Last one in the shower has to pick up the soap-!”

“Look, this a mission of mercy, and you two are acting like creeps,” Lister said.

“Oh, don’t be that way, ‘Sir Galahad’,” Rimmer said. “You know you’re looking forward to some ‘pudding’, especially after failing to get into ‘Fortress Usagi’ the other night.”

“What was that?” Usagi asked, after seeing Lister trying to shush Rimmer.

“It’s nothing, Usagi,” Lister replied.

“Pity, because I wouldn’t have minded,” Usagi said with a wink and a smile, as she saunters out of Ops.

“Thanks a lot, Rimmer,” Lister said tersely.

“No problem,” Rimmer said with smugness. “But, at least you’ll have a second chance at some ‘action’…”

After arriving at Red Dwarf arrived at its destination, and after Usagi ordered her crewmates to wear regulation space gear for search and rescue purposes, the crew arrives at their destination…

“Next time, put your socks in the laundry dispenser,” Usagi said, as she scrunches her nose.

“Hey, my socks don’t smell that bad,” Lister said.

“The authorities would have to declare your socks a bio-hazard sooner or later,” Rimmer said.

“What I don’t understand is why Cat get to have the gold colored space suit,” Lister asked.

“Because I make everyone else look good,” Cat said.

“See?” Usagi replied.

SHOOP!

“Hello, and welcome to the ‘SS Nova-5’,” Kryten said with a bow.

“Kryten,” Usagi said with a nod. “I’m Captain Usagi Tsukino, this is my First Officer Arnold Rimmer, my Second Officer David Lister and…Cat.”

Due to Usagi’s status, Usagi could grant field commissions. However, because of Rimmer’s incompetence and conniving attitude, and Lister’s lack of motivation, theyr only received the designations of “Acting Ensigns”, which really means all the work and none of the benefits. As for Cat, well, Cat was Cat, and was treated like a civilian member of the crew…when he wasn’t admiring himself in the mirror.

“Yep,” Cat said happily. “And where are the women?”

“Er, yes. What is the status of your remaining crew?”

“Oh, they are about to have dinner,” Kryten replied. “Follow me.”

“Well, piece of cake, then,” Lister said with a smile.

“I can’t wait to see some babes,” Rimmer said. “I just hope that their appearance match the photos that was sent to us. The last thing I need is to meet fat girls…”

Unfortunately, upon entering the dining room, they saw skeletons, of the three aforementioned women.

“Well, their ‘weight’ is the least of their problems,” Lister said.

“Oh, boy,” Usagi said. “No wonder I didn’t sense anything…”

It turned out so dedicated was Kryten to his purpose that the android “forgot” that his caretakers had died centuries ago. However, after securing the remains into status, and salvaging what was useful from the SS Nova-5, Kryten was given a new home and a new purpose…

“So you think I can serve you well, Captain?” Kryten asked.

“No, your purpose is to serve the needs of the ship,” Usagi smiled, as she modified the circuits in Kryten’s head. “Like the rest of us.”

CLICK!

“There,” Usagi said, as secured the top of the mechanoid’s head. “You are fully capable of autonomy.”

“But, I still need to do something, mum,” Kryten said, as he rubs the top of his head.

“Well, we have plenty of jobs and professions around here,” Lister said, as he continues to read his magazine.

“I see…

“Just chose one and get on with it,” Rimmer said with annoyance. He was still made that Usagi made him stop using Kryten as his personal servant.

“And remember, the position of ‘sexy-fine’ has been taken by yours truly,” Cat said.

“Then…I will endeavor to learn them all, for the good of the crew and the ship,” Kryten replied with a smile.

“Good,” Usagi said, as she pulls up a huge binder and dropping it on the table.

BAM!

“I need these records tabulated and cross-referenced,” Usagi said.

“…”

“Hey, why are you giving him that job?” Lister asked.

Usagi simply points to Holly, whose head was being used for a pong screen saver.

“Ah, point taking,” Lister replied.

Tbc.

Author’s Note: I want to use existing sci-fi references that Red Dwarf could come across while on its way back to Earth. Since this is a part of a meta-fic, humanity as we know it has become the equivalent of Vorlons (since the “Babylon 5” series is mixed with the “Star Trek” series and others). So, what would Ranma be like in the year 3 million CE? What friends/rivals/enemies could possibly be around still? Let me know what you think. At any rate, I have seven more chapters to go, one per season/series before the conclusion of this story. Later!