SMST 30: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne

Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST and others belong to their respective owners.

Note: This is multi-genre story.

Special Note: This outing takes place during the events of Series 6 of "Red Dwarf".

Part 8

Two-hundred years later…

"Blimey," Lister said, as he gets up. His hair was overgrown, and his nails, both on his hands and feet, reminded him of one of his former girlfriends who worked at an Asian nail-and-hair salon.

"Man, I wished there was a Guinness Book of World Records group or something," Lister said, as he looked over at himself. "I probably could have set a record or two…"

Just then, then door to his cabin opens, revealing a strange-looking creature. It had blond hair flowing down to the floor, and it reminded Lister of the character "Cousin It" from the old television show, "The Addams Family".

"What?" Lister said, as he crept backwards, thinking that the creature was some kind of monster.

"Mmmmpphhh!" the creature replied.

"What? I can't understand ya."

Long finger nails poked out of the mass of hair, and parted said hair.

"I said, 'Get clean up'," Usagi said, as she held her hair back.

"Oh, Skipper, it's you," Lister said with a relaxed sigh. He had forgotten that everyone was placed in cryo-sleep, ever since the mining ship, "SS Red Dwarf" had been mysteriously stolen while the crew was on a survey mission.

"Yeah, fancy that," Usagi replied sarcastically. "Anyway, Khryton thinks we can take a short cut through an asteroid field, which could allow us to catch up to the Red Dwarf."

"Oh, alright," Lister said. "By the way, should I start calling you 'Repunzel' or something?"

"Sure you can, if you want to only eat the flavorless rations, Dave."

"Touché…"

Later, after the crew gets re-acclimated to their surroundings, the Star-Bug-1, one of Red Dwarf's heavy shuttles enters the asteroid field, only to pick up a warning beacon…

"Mum, I'm detecting a warning beacon," Khryton said, as he zeroes unto a warning beacon.

"Obviously, if that thing out there says 'Warning Beacon' on its side facing us," Rimmer replied sarcastically.

"I wonder what it says," Kat replied, as he sniffs the air.

"What are you doing?"

"I am sensing an uneasy presence," Kat said, as he continued to sniff the air. "I sense death and destruction…as if men's souls were rendered asunder."

"So, you smell Lister's room already?"

"Naw, it's probably the stink of failure to secure promotions through the method of 'brown-nosing'," Lister replied.

"Now, now, no need for the bickering," Usagi said, as she mapped out the shuttle's trajectory for optimal signal strength, due to the asteroid field's density ratio. "Let's see what we have here…"

Upon establishing a link with the warning buoy, the crew receives a video that gave them some pertinent information. One, there was a brief glimpse of a man being attacked by some insect creature, which followed by a make-shift cue-card written in blood, and, two, what was gave the crew pause.

"'Psiren'?" Rimmer said, after he read the words aloud. "I wonder what that mean?"

"It means that this asteroid field could be a trap," Usagi said.

"But consider this," Khryton said. "That man in the video was human, and the video is recent."

"What does that mean?" Kat asked.

"It means that there could still be humans in this time," Lister said excitedly. "I don't know about you all, but that's exciting."

"Why?" Usagi asked.

"It means that I don't have to pine for you anymore."

"In other words, you can hound other women."

"Precisely, Skipper. Don't get me wrong, but I like variety."

"Feh. I swear, you're hornier that George Michaels if he visited the YMCA on a lark."

"And you can control your urges."

"I am a woman, my friend. Women aren't as visual as men are when it comes to…THAT."

Ultimately, Usagi would fail to uphold the standards of women-kind, although one would say that it was a good thing that she failed so miserably.

Upon being contacted on one of the asteroids, the crew of Red Dwarf came upon a transmission depicting a bevy of lovely ladies, and-

"R-Ranma?" Usagi said, as she looked surprised.

"Hey, there," Ranma said in a husky voice, as he lay back in a lounge sofa with beautiful women draped around him. "It's good to see you again, Usagi."

"Wow, imagine that," Rimmer said with a grin. "It looks like someone else already planted a flag on your virgin soil, Lister."

"Hey, I'm sure this…guy can share," Lister replied.

"Sir, are you sure you would want to have unprotected relations?" Khryton asked.

"At this point, I'm so wound up that I could care less that my junk falls off."

"Considering with whom you have been sleeping with, I'm surprise that it hasn't already," Rimmer said, as he grins towards Usagi's direction, only to see that she was not in her seat. "Usagi?"

"Where did 'Goldilocks' go?" Kat said, as he looked about the crew cabin.

"Sirs, look!" Khryton said, as he points to the screen. "She must have teleported over to that asteroid…"

On screen, everyone bears witness to Usagi's ravaging of the aliens pretending to Ranma Saotome and his harem of girls. Unfortunately for the aliens, who thought to lure the crew of Red Dwarf to their doom, failed to realize two fundamental truths. One, Usagi, being an enhanced being, tends to hold back whenever she is involved with the crew on an intimate level, since they were normal beings…more or less. And, two, they failed to realize whenever Usagi is with her beloved Ranma, she doesn't hold back…at all.

"Come here, you!" Usagi said, in the transmission, as she rips off her jumpsuit in a single move, and lands on the aliens. "I've been waiting for this for two hundred years-!"

"Yahhhhhhhhhh!" cried the aliens, just as they realized their mistake.

"Oh, yeah!" Usagi said, not caring whether or not her crewmates were watching her in action. Besides, it's not like she hasn't been with any of them since she's known them…

"Oh, dear," Rimmer said.

"Oh, dear is right," Kat said, as he turned his head. "I didn't know she could do…THAT."

"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Usagi laughed, as she worked over the aliens…in that special way.

"Help us!" cried one of the aliens, as he revealed his true form: a telepathic insect. "Please-!"

"I'm scared!" Lister said in fright.

"I'm must say that the Captain is putting out a lot of energy in that…act of hers," Khryton said, as he scanned Usagi's bio-signature. "Enough to power the Star-Bug for a week, in fact."

"Thanks for the info, I guess…"

Later, after the aliens allowed the Star-Bug to go on its way unmolested, a distraught Usagi moans about her…behavior involving the Psirens.

"Oh, gawd, I feel SO embarrassed," Usagi said, as she plots her head down on the console in the recreation room. "I can't believe I lost control like that."
"Well, to be fair, it's the Psiren's fault," Lister said, as he munches on his breakfast cereal. "According to Khryton, these aliens' telepathy tapped into our base desires, which is how they were able to lower your inhibitions."

"So, I desire to be a complete…you-know-what?"

"No," Lister said, as he sits down next to his long-time friend. "It means that you really love this Ranma Saotome guy."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't love my Ranma quite as much?"

"Perhaps. But look on the bright side: at least we know that you're just as messed up as the rest of us losers. And THAT, my dear, makes you just as human."

"Gee, thanks…"

From there, the crew continues on their way, in their search for Red Dwarf.

After an encounter with a robot manservant named "Legion", who tried to keep the crew hostage permanently, only to be tricked into letting them go after Usagi used the infamous "Captain Kirk Logic Loop" against the automaton, the crew ran into another ship filled with murderous Simulants. Although the encounter was brief, the Simulants uploaded a computer virus—called the "Armageddon Virus"—that would nearly cause the Star-Bug to explode. Thankfully, Khryton came upon the means to develop a counter-measure to the virus, by using his own mechanical system as the platform to develop the counter-measure. However, concerned for their friend's safety, Usagi suggested that they help Khryton by using a Western theme as juxtaposition for Khryton's attempt to fashion new anti-virus software. Thus, the virus would be depicted in the form of a gang known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", while Khryton and everyone else stopped them, in their unique way…

The saloon in the town of 'Laredo' was bustling with activity, since the audience was waiting for their star attraction to show up.

"And now, introducing the star attraction of our show: MISS BUNNY!" yelled the host.

The curtain draws open, showing Usagi dressed in a sexy burlesque outfit. She had one leg on a chair, her dance cane on the stage floor, and held her top hat on her head with another hand. As the music from the piano began to play, she slowly looks up, before turning towards the audience. Her role was to give the others time to sober "Sheriff Serenity"—aka Khryten—in time to remember what he was suppose to do, in order to prepare an antivirus. She then began to sing her song…

Here I stand, the goddess of desire, setting men on fire.

I have this power…

Morning, noon, and night, it's drink and dancing.

Some quick romancing…

And then take shower.

Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me.

They always hound me, with one request.

Who can satisfy their lustful habits? I'm not a wabbit.

I need some rest…

As Usagi continued her song, she gets the all clear signal from Lister, that Khryten is ready to face the Simulant's virus programs. She then continued her song in her best Marlene Dietrich impersonation…

I've been with thousands of men, again and again…

Sometimes, with women, to change the mood, if I can…

They promise the moon, but they're always coming and going and going and coming...

And always too soon, of course…

Usagi gives the audience a knowing glance.

"Right, girls?" Usagi said with a grin, receiving a bevy of laughter from the audience in the process.

"Hey!" Lister yelled. "That's between me and you!"

"Ha! As if that little info is unknown to the rest of the crew…"

Nevertheless, thanks to buying Khryten enough time to act, although there were a few missteps in the process, the Armageddon virus was eliminated, thus preventing an unfortunate disaster of crashing into a lava planet in the process.

A week later…

"…And no longer can I deal with a tyrant who feels the need to be an arrogant slag," Rimmer said, as he continued to rant off his complaints at the weekly 'Morale Meeting', which he lobbied hard to institute.

"Tell me how you really feel," Usagi said with a smirk.

"That's all I have to say for now."

"It's a good thing, too, sir," Khryten said, as he had been monitoring the sensor grid during the meeting.

"What's happening?" Lister asked.

"We're running into an 'unreality mindfield'," Khryten replied. "And this one's intense."

"Stations, everyone," Usagi said, as they got up. Most of the complaints were directed at her, since she was commanding the ship. Thus, any distraction was a blessing in disguise…

"Hopefully, we won't get caught up in a reality bubble, which could screw up our perceptions."

"Tell me about it," Kat said. "The last thing we need is me getting into a pocket reality where I end up lamer than 'Goal-Post Head'."

"Ha, ha," Rimmer said. "I'm laughing…"

In spite of some weird missteps, including getting caught up in a reality where Lister was a android, and Usagi was a man, they managed to make it out of the field of unreality mines.

"Man, I'm glad we got over that snag," Kat said.

"Yeah, in spite of nearly getting permanently caught up in all that," Lister said, as he leans back. "I wonder what the source of this malaise is," Rimmer asked.

"Sir, I believe I have found our answer," Lister said sheepishly. He was still trying to apologize for making Lister serve him, back when everyone thought that Lister was an android.

"What do you got?" Usagi said.

Had the crew of Red Dwarf knew what was facing them ahead, they would have turned away from what will be their most harried adventure yet.

Tbc.

Author's Note: Usagi's burlesque act is based upon the musical by the character Lili Von Shtupp, from the Mel Brooks movie "Blazing Saddles". It's an old film, but it is cleverly written to the point that I don't think can be duplicated in today's politically correct environment. But check it out anyway.

Next Time: Series 7!