Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. I'm only borrowing the characters for "fun".

Author's Note: This is my first ZoLu fic, though it's not much of a romance-fic as it is just a crack-fic. But, I consider this a good start into the fandom. :)

This just cannot be. This is... This is...

Monkey D. Luffy entire body quivered and shook as he stared at the scenario in front of him. The picture was directly from a horror show, so surreal and unbelievable. He could not breath, could not believe that it was true. A hallucination, perhaps? He stepped closer, and looked down.

This morning, Luffy had set it on the table. He'd told everyone not to touch it. He'd told them loud and clear that it was for him and him only. He'd slapped Chopper's paws away when the reindeer doctor tried to touch it. He'd punched Usopp in the face when the Straw Hat liar... Eh... Slingshot Man tried the same.

He'd told Nami, who had then scowled at him and told him to "shut your trap and leave me alone. You're being extremely obnoxious today!" Robin gave him a nod before returning to her reading, and he knew she'd listened to him. Hell, he'd even spent twenty minutes this morning racing around Sunny telling Franky ("Huh, all right"), Brook ("I would... but I'm a skeleton! Yohoho!") Zoro ( "...What?" Yawned, and went back to sleep) and Sanji ("Whatever, just don't touch anything else in the fridge or you're a dead man!") the same thing to make sure everybody knows.

I made sure. I made sure I save it! He thought with shock and collapsed on the floor, continuing to stare at the horror.

This morning, the chocolate-creamed donut was whole. Two hours later, only crumbs remained on the kitchen table.

This was the last donut, his favorite one.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Somewhere in the distance, pigeons squawked and flew, panicking around on a cliff.

A door swung open violently on Sunny. "Emergency everyone, I have devastating news!!"

The screaming of their captain brought the Straw Hat crew's attentions away from their normal business in an instant.

Robin put down her book. "What's the matter, Luffy-San?"

Nami, who was watering her tangerine trees stopped and looked at Luffy with a puzzle expression. Everything had been fine so far today; the weather was nice, the breakfast was good (as usual), there had been no sights of marine nor other pirate ships. She raised an eyebrow at his angry expression, noting that he was coming from the kitchen. Did he not have enough bacon for breakfast?

Or- she gasped- did they ran out of food?! They had no idea how many days of sailing it would take before they could arrive at the next island. If the food was gone now then there was no way-

"SOMEBODY STOLE MY CHOCOLATE-CREAMED DONUT!"

I should've known, Nami thought darkly and proceeded her watering.

"I thought you ate it," Usopp said from his fishing spot. "Didn't you say something about having it for a pre-lunch snack?"

"I did!" Luffy yelled. "I was going to eat it just now but I can't find it on the kitchen table!"

"Maybe it rolled on the floor?" Chopper suggested, and tugged his fishing pole when he felt something pulling it. The movement was gone seconds later, and the reindeer sighed with disappointment.

"I checked the floor!"

"You must have ate it yourself and forgot you did," Nami said, her eyebrow still quirking with annoyance. Luffy will be Luffy. Who else in the world would go berserk over a missing donut?

Luffy huffed. "I did not! There are crumbs all over the table. Crumbs! I would never leave precious crumbs of a donut on the table. Somebody stole it! Hey Franky, did you ate my donut?!"

"Huh?" the shipwright called from the other side of the ship.

"I said, 'did you ate my donut?!'" the captain repeated.p

"I don't like donuts, baka!"

"Hmm..."

Luffy glanced around the ship twice and stepped back into the kitchen, slamming the door behind him.

He was angry. No, that wasn't right; he was beyond angry at the moment.

Who, just who the hell in the world stole his donut, his chocolate-creamed donut which Sanji made especially for him after he whined to the cook for seven days! Chocolate donuts, the one and only thing in the world he treasured more than meat. Of course, he treasured Shank's hat the most, but that was beside the point! Did the thief understand how hard he'd whined to get Sanji to make that donut for him? Apparently not.

Luffy growled at the air and stared at the empty spot on the table where his donut was suppose to be. He tried to envision the delicious treat there, feeling his mouth beginning to water with hunger.

Who, who would do such a terrible thing?

Buzz.

Don't worry, my love, I shall avenge you! He swore to the crumbs.

Buzz, buzz.

Once I find the low-life thief, he will get the beating of his life for even thinking about touching you! You will not be a donut wasted, I promise!

A fly landed in the middle of the crumb.

Buzz.

"Huh?"

Buzz, buzz. Buzz.

Luffy watched as it rubbed two of its thin black legs together. The fly was on top of a crumb.

"THIEF!"

The six-limbed insect, startled by the scream, took off and began to fly around the kitchen as Luffy stretched his arms wildly, attempting to capture the suspected thief. Meanwhile, Nami, Robin, Usopp and Chopper all turned towards the general direction of the kitchen where the racket was coming from.

"What's he doing?" Chopper asked and moved his Bishop two spaces to the left. Shouts of "stop right there, little donut-robber!" could be heard.

"No idea, but Mr. Cook-San isn't going to be happy with his kitchen though," Robin stated, then moved her Queen. "Checkmate."

The fly flew out the window.

Luffy slumped into a chair with his tongue hanging out of his mouth as he tried to catch his breath, panting like a wet dog. The boy sat in the middle of a chaotic kitchen and looked out of said window, the one the culprit flew out of. Right now, it showed him a picture of a beautiful noon. It was almost time for lunch. Sanji should be here soon.

Sanji!

Luffy froze at the thought of the cook. Reality dawned on him as he took a note of the kitchen's condition.

"SHIT!" he screamed. "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, YOU BASTARD-FLY!! NOW I'M NOT GOING TO GET ANY LUNCH BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU DONUT-EATING, POOP-SMELLING PIECE OF SKUNK CRAP!! Now what do I do? Should I fix the kitchen? Should I ask Franky to do it before Sanji comes in? No, he might tell Sanji. I should get Usopp, but what if he tells Sanji too? No, no, I can do this myself. Yosh!"

Immediately, he stopped hyperventilating and pounded his right fist into his right palm, a determined look on his face. His eyes scanned the mess that surrounded him, undecided what he should clean up first.

"The plates... are smashed into bits. Hmm... Alright! That's an easy fix. Now, I know Sanji has a box of bandage hiding somewhere in here! Hehe."

Ten minutes later, All the smashed plates were back into their original states again, held together by Sticky-Sticky Magical Bandages For Kiddy Wounds- a few had chips on the sides and holes at the bottom. Of course, they were also covered with bandages. Luffy considered this well-done. He nodded with approval at the three wobbling stacks sitting beside the sink, and averted his attention towards the next crisis: broken furnitures.

"MORE BANDAGES!!"

Ten more minutes later, the chairs and the table were, too, fixed the same way.

The refrigerator had been opened, revealing only one single piece of left over pie from last night. Luffy looked at it, and noticed that his stomach was growling. "Man, it looks so lonely there," he said, ate it, and closed the white door. There was a huge dent in the front.

He opened it again and examined the dent.

"How am I suppose to fix this?" Luffy wondered out loud. After a moment of thought, he punched it from the other side, hoping it might straighten the door out. One punch later, there was a hole where the dent was. Panicking, Luffy quickly put a piece of white paper over it, and taped it with more bandages. "He won't notice, he won't notice, he won't notice, he won't notice..."

A creak.

NOO!! Sanji can't be here now!

The handle turned.

I have no choice but to fight him.

"Oi-"

"Gomu Gomu no Ba- Yaaaaaah! Oomph..." A familiar head of green filled Luffy's vision right before the sight stopped him. Unfortunately, while he wanted to stop, the momentum of his attack had already built up. Seconds later he flew into a muscular body, lips smashed into a pair of unfamiliar pink lips that belonged to a certain bewildered swordsman.

It was Zoro, not Sanji. Thank goodness.

" Apha, phoo fo feoll!" ("Baka, what the hell!?")

The captain jumped off his first mate with an expression of relief on his face as Zoro coughed and spat with a big red blush.

"Oh, it's only you, Zoro," Luffy chirped with a grin, unintentionally neglected what had just happened while the swordsman sat on the floor, no longer spitting and coughing but still had the red blush. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing!" Zoro barked. "And what the hell happened to the fricken' kitchen, it's a mess!"

"I was fighting the donut-thief," Luffy said.

"What the fuck are you talking about? What donut-thief?"

Luffy took a deep breath and started to explain. "This morning I left the chocolate creamed donut that Sanji made for me days ago on the table; I was going to eat it for a snack before lunch. So I told everyone that the donut was for me and nobody can touch it. Then I came here later to eat it, and it was gone!" He spread and waved his arms. "All gone!"

"...Chocolate creamed donut? On the table?"

Luffy grinned and licked his lips. "That's right. It was a chocolate-" He abruptly stopped, and licked his lips again.

"What's wrong?"

Luffy's tongue extended out, and licked the swordsman on the lips.

"Oi, what the hell?!" The blush on Zoro's face came back and he scooted further away from the younger boy, who was wearing a big frown, sitting there, looking at him.

Zoro turned even redder when Luffy decided to all but pounce on and straddle him. He opened his mouth to scream, but it was cut off as his mouth was sealed together by another mouth. Then, the captain unceremoniously shoved his tongue into his mouth.

It was a rough kiss, and the pressure around his lower body felt heavenly, better than anything he'd imagined before. So he couldn't helped but moaned, even though he did not have the slightest idea of why Luffy was suddenly doing this to him.

Luffy, on the other hand, was more curious about the rock that'd formed between Zoro's leg. His focus diverged as a fluttering feeling stirred in his lower stomach. Was he sick? And why was Zoro making weird noises? No matter, he had the information he needed right now, and the weird feeling, Zoro's noises, and the rock between Zoro's legs would just have to wait. Pulling back, he stared down at his very, very red and speechless first mate.

"Zoro," he began. "Your mouth tastes like chocolate. Are you the one who stole my donut?"

Later this evening, the other Straw Hat crew members weren't very happy when they returned to the ship only to see Zoro and Luffy both engaged in a fight. (They arrived at an island just before noon, Zoro was suppose to guard the ship)

And needless to say, when he saw the catastrophic kitchen, Sanji wasn't happy at all.