Summary: Kim Possible is about to get into a ferociously weird sitch that might just be the best thing that's ever happened to her life.

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You and Me, Baby
Prologue: Help Me
By: P.D. Pirl [10/16-17/09]

Kim Possible felt like such an idiot and that was a quite an impressive achievement. In between saving the world, butting heads with college and trying to maintain somewhat of a social life, it wasn't often that she could afford the time to feel like an idiot. Then again, it also wasn't commonplace for her friends to plot behind her back and set her up with some guy. Okay, not exactly true, she admitted to herself with a sigh.

“Hey, cutie,” a pretty blonde girl purred, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. “Want some company?”

“I'm actually meeting someone here,” Kim replied stiffly, scooting to the middle of the booth to occupy more room with her slim body. She nervously tucked an invisible lock of red hair behind her ear and shifted a little bit, resisting the urge to swing her legs off the ground and claim the tiny little corner of the bar she had holed herself in. It sounded like such a good idea in her head: to hide away the rest of the night and not have to deal with her blind date; ditching wasn't an option, she was sure her friends were keeping tabs on her and it would be suspicious if she ran off this early.

But apparently, she stood out like a flailing prepubescent boy in a gentleman's club. Counting the offer that she had yet to follow through with a rejection; Kim had been propositioned a dozen times ever since she squeezed into that lonely little booth by her lonesome, more by women than men. Note to self: the ladies dig the mission duds. She almost laughed because the voice in her head sounded exactly like Ron.

“Aww, that's too bad,” the blonde said casually, leaning in and managing to sneak a peck on the cheek before leaving.

Kim blinked and absently touched the side of her face, watching with a gaping mouth as the woman waltzed into a throng of bodies and eventually disappeared from sight. “But I'm straight...” she mumbled to the air as though saying it would magically nail down a picket sign on her head, declare her sexual orientation to the world and deter any interest from the female persuasion. She examined her mission gear and briefly entertained the idea of asking Monique to design something more feminine.

Yeah, right, save the day in a skirt and give the world a show. She pointedly insisted that the few times she went on missions wearing her cheerleading outfit was a completely different thing just because. Fashion wasn't at the top of her list anymore, it was just another one of those things Kim Possible couldn't fit in her life; like vacations, like having fun, like keeping a boyfriend. Being a basic, average girl seemed to have gotten a lot harder after high school. Everyone around her was changing, growing up and moving on. Except her.

Maybe her friends were right to fuss over her, but she still thought it was downright evil of them to trick her into thinking this was a mission. She was so stupid to fall for it, though. If I was dealing with a matter of life and death, would I ask to meet my local hero at a bar? No, duh. Stupid Kim! Stupid, stupid! Still, some part of her couldn't shake the feeling that this person might be serious, just a touch eccentric and paranoid in a strange way, and if not, she owed it to her friends to show them that she appreciated their effort to help her, no matter how annoying it was.

Kim was currently patting herself on the back for looking boyish and hopefully unattractive to her blind date when a young man invited himself to seat on her booth with nothing but a wink. She openly rolled her eyes at the stunt; he wasn't the first person to try that tonight and she had a sickening feeling in her gut he wouldn't be the last. The men she dealt with tonight were unusually bolder than she was used to and she could only guess that she looked like a lonely, desperate girl who might be an easy lay for them.

She smirked at him. Lucky number 13.

A woman stood in front of the club's entrance. She swept the area around her with a rather discriminating gaze and sneered at the sight of the ridiculously long line of people waiting to go inside. Patience was a virtue she had long told to bend over and take it like a man, so unfortunately for all these law-abiding, possibly under-aged patrons, she was just going to have to cut in.

She had waited for only a handful of things in her life and she wasn't about to let some human domino stack that stretched all the way to the corner make her wait even longer. Three years, perhaps give or take a year or two, was long enough and tonight, she was finally going to get what she deserved.

“Sorry, that seat's taken,” Kim almost sang the words, a mock sweet tone in her voice and a deadly glint in her eye. It actually worked on a couple of people who weren't expecting her to be so intimidating, but this one looked to have more courage than the others. For one thing, he was still keeping eye contact with her and she was the one who looked away after an indignant huff.

“Looked empty when I sat on it,” the young man chuckled, winking again as soon as he caught her sneaking a glance at him before turning away again.

Kim just shrugged and moved further away from him, making it clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. She felt hope flutter in her chest when the soft cushion shifted a little, telling her that he finally took the hint and left. She was about to shoot his retreating back a triumphant smirk but that quickly dissolved into a frown when she saw him approach her with two drinks in his hands.

“Here,” he said, slipping back on the opposite side of the booth and smoothly sliding a drink across the table. “Something to put a smile on your face.”

Kim eyed the offered alcoholic beverage like it was poison and glared at him like he deserved to be beaten and hanged for what he just said to her. It was annoying how comfortable he seemed with all the hostility she was throwing at him and it was then she decided that he was either incredibly pig-headed or he was just that dense. Either way, one of them was going to go home alone tonight and she knew it was going to be her.

She knew this was the right place. She grinned when she saw that the club was named Malachite and almost gave herself away as she barely contained a laugh. It certainly won't do any good to attract any unwanted attention; she had gone through such a painstaking process to dissolve into the crowd and not provoke a second glance if someone was to look at her. As much as she loved standing out, she wanted to surprise her feisty little prey more than anything.

Won't even see me coming, she thought with what could only be a very evil smile.

Monique, I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you. Kim had a short list of suspects, but she was sure that Monique was the culprit behind the young man who she realized was none other than her dreaded blind date. She didn't know how or when it happened, but she had gone from snubbing him and waving him off with flat, disinterested responses to giggling over his stories and sharing a handful of drinks with him. What she did know was that she didn't want to feel this way, no matter how much fun she was having.

She didn't want to like him. She wished this really was a mission because that way, it would be easy and simple like before. Relationships were complicated and difficult, and they only ever felt complete when she walked out the door; it was never a good ending. Damn Monique for finding someone insane enough to weather her Kimness and actually come out of it with a smile on his face. But he wasn't the only person to do that, just one of the few, and maybe liquid courage played a major part in his lack of common sense.

With a sigh, she got ready to give that little speech she had said so many times she could probably recite it word for word in her sleep. But first, she had to know if she was right about the mastermind behind this fiendish plot. “Okay, confession time,” she said, glad that she was still fairly sober despite the slight dizziness. “Who roped you into this? It's Monique, isn't it?”

He gave her a strange look, one that seemed confused and surprised, and then he let out a short, hearty chuckle. “Is that what you think this is? Here I was thinking you were just having a really bad day and needed a little pick-me-up.” He set his glass down and inched a little closer. “I really do need your help, you know.”

She underestimated her target on the stealth department. It was certainly a challenge and she always loved a good chase, so the longer she looked, the more excited she became. But when she finally found what she was looking for, she was more than a little taken aback when she saw someone else there. Her eye twitched and her fists clenched when she saw them move in a little too close for her liking. How dare she?

With a grunt, she started shoving her way to the couple, pushing aside and knocking over people on the dance floor.

“Hey, watch it!”

“Bitch, get your hands off me!”

“Dude, fuck off, I saw her fir--- oh, you're not a dude.”

She glared at that one and pushed him so hard he knocked over several people. This was when a bouncer finally decided to step in. He was a big man with a large, bulky body that made most the crowd back up and give them room. “Ma'am, I'm afraid you have to leave,” he boomed in a deep voice and placed a massive hand on her shoulder. “Right now.”

Kim frowned and scooted back a little, suddenly anxious about the shrinking space between their bodies. This made her realize that she had been moving closer to him little by little and with it came the urge to give herself a kick in the head. “So, it was you?” She refused to give name to the knot in her chest that came with a thought which was bothering her a lot more than she expected. So he wasn't interested in me? As quickly as it appeared, the disappointment turned into a scowl. “Why didn't you just say so?”

He raised an eyebrow at her, easily reading the change in her mood. “I thought you were playing along,” he said softly, almost whispered, like he wasn't sure he wanted her to hear.

“Playing?” she snarled, not bothering to rein in her rage anymore, and she had to grip the edge of the table to keep from launching a punch to his face. “Is this when you point and laugh and tell the world how you just played a prank on Kim Possible?”

He lowered his head a bit, tilted his glasses down - something she would have questioned if she wasn't about to attack him - and looked at her like she was crazy. “You're serious,” he pointed out, more to himself than her, and pushed his glasses back up. Seeing her tense, he lunged forward and shot an arm out to trap her before she could retreat back to her corner. “Look at me,” he told her gently, maybe even playfully if she could process that, and he even kept a respectable distance considering their position.

Kim backed up against the cushion so much she would probably leave a very angry Kim-shaped impression on it, but she did what he said. She looked at him, really looked at him for the first time and she wish she didn't. He was cute, damn it. No, that boyish little grin on his face was cute, he was gorgeous. There was something about the way his loosely tied shoulder length hair made a few stray strands slip to the side of his face, something about the way those glasses slid down his perfect nose just a little bit that made Kim stare and mumble stupidly, “What am I looking at?”

He shook his head a little, evidently amused by how clueless she was, and leaned in so close their noses almost touched. In one fluid move, he slid the glasses off his face, folded it expertly and quickly with one hand and shoved it in the pocket of his pants. “Look closer,” he crooned, his lips curling into a very devious smirk.

That smirk. Kim's mouth fell open and all she could do was stare blankly at him.

He waggled his brows suggestively and teased, “You really don't recognize me,” he licked his lips, loving how she was becoming more and more flustered, and inched even closer to whisper in her ear, “do you, Kimmie?” before pulling away enough to give her another wink.

Kimmie...? Kim blinked and looked like she was staring into his eyes for the first time. His green eyes. It can't be.

He laughed, “You're so cute when you blush, Pumpkin.”

Her eyes grew wide and her face turned from deep red to ghostly pale within seconds. Almost as pale as his skin. She felt like was going to black out. Black like his hair. No. Way.

“Come on, Cupcake,” he droned, reaching up and tracing her lips with his fingers, “say it.”

No. Oh, no. No, no, NO!

“Say my name, Princess.”

“... Shego?” Kim croaked, feeling like she had to pull that name from the darkest corners of her mind and it was exhausting to let it go free and wander. “Shego?” She felt like she was in a limbo, swimming through memories she had sadly, affectionately tucked away as a part of her past that was never going to come back to her. “Shego...” A shiver ran up her spine when she said the name that time and in a rush, she relived the few minutes that led to this moment. It left her with a feeling that, if said just the right way, could be summed up in one question: “SHEGO, WHAT THE HELL?!”

All poise and finesse thrown out the window, Shego fell back and started laughing really, really hard. “Oh, God, oh, God, I can't breathe! The look on your face...” there was a brief pause for a breath or two, only to be sucked right out by something that could only be identified as manly giggling, “You w-were so...! And I was...!” Those were the last decipherable words that could be understood amidst the howling.

It was then that Kim finally recovered and pounced on Shego, growling and glaring at the villain with the promise of painful, horrible torture. “Okay, Shego, what's the deal? Is this another one of Drakken's traps? Where is he? What's with the disguise? I knew you two couldn't stay straight!” She spoke so fast she had trouble following her own words, but she was far too pissed to care.

Shego, after a few more chuckles, calmed down enough and held up three fingers. “Three things, Princess: one, Dr. D's been straighter than you since the invasion. Two: so have I. Minus the straight--- right, never mind, forget I said that, yeah, I've been straighter than either of you for about two years now. Three: this is not a disguise and this has everything to do with why I need your help.”

“Yeah, right, Shego!” Kim, currently straddling Shego's stomach, gave her enemy a scrutinizing look. “You're just a girl in drag!” she accused hotly, feeling even more stupid for being suckered twice in one night. She couldn't believe she fell for such a poorly orchestrated charade. So lame, Shego! To prove her own point, Kim roughly grabbed the front of Shego's shirt and began unbuttoning the top so fast she nearly ripped it in half.

“Whoa, Kimmie, you could have just asked!”

“Shut up, Shego, and you can use your real voice now. I've busted you. I'm just showing you how bad... how bad...” Kim's tongue felt like it got stuck in her throat when she found herself staring at a very flat, very masculine chest. Wow, her mind went, sounding completely distant from the rest of her thoughts, no body hair at all... I wonder if she's... She quickly stepped on that train of thought, squashed it and kicked it off a cliff. “Fine, looks real, but I bet you it doesn't feel re---” Once again, she choked on her own words when her hands confirmed what her eyes had seen.

Shego shook a little under Kim, trying not to laugh at the hilarious expression on the redhead's face. “Satisfied yet? Or are you going to move your hands and your hips lower to convince yourself?”

Kim blushed and scrambled off Shego, curling right at the edge of the booth and staring at her rival with wide eyes and an open mouth. “H-how?” she croaked, twitching a little. “Why? HOW?”

Shego sat up and closed the shirt. “Glad you're finally willing to listen, Pumpkin.”

As luck would have it, they were interrupted before Shego could explain the situation. This very rude intrusion came in the form of a bouncer who just happened to sail across the bar and land right on their table. Shego, who had seen it coming, grabbed Kim and jumped out of the way before the large body rolled on them along with the now broken glasses. A few more bodies were thrown aside and eventually, a girlish scream rang out that caused panic in the entire establishment.

“Angry green lady, run for your lives, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

Shego stiffened and paled so much there wasn't a hint of green left. “Oh, shit.”

“You're not Shego, are you?!” Kim shrieked, absolutely furious. “I knew this was a trap! Shego's the ONLY angry green lady on this planet!”

Shego looked at her, shuddering in fear. “Yeah, Princess, on this planet...”

Kim stopped trying to get out of Shego's arms and just stared back in horror, the words sinking in such a way that she couldn't help but shiver and panic. “I'm having a serious case of déjà vu here,” she groaned in exasperation and slapped a hand on her forehead. “Please, please tell me that's not who I think it is.”

Shego offered a toothy, sheepish grin. “Would you believe the spokeswoman for the asparagus advisory council from another planet?”

The ground began to shake but stopped after a few seconds. Then it happened again and again, this time followed by the sound of feet planting firmly on the ground. The mini earthquakes kept getting stronger and louder, like somebody was banging the heavy drums of impending doom. It stopped just a hair away from the couple, as though waiting rather impatiently for them to face their punishment. They both looked up and saw a very, very angry ten foot alien woman snarling at them.

“PLANET EARTH'S FEMALE WARRIOR WITH THE FIERY CROWN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!” a livid Warmonga howled in fury, raising her weapon in the air and slamming it on the ground. She towered over them threateningly, looking like she was either about to run away crying or scream in rage. Warmonga being Warmonga, she opted for the second option. “IS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE SHAMED ME IN BATTLE NOT ONCE BUT TWICE?! NOW YOU DARE LAY YOUR FILTHY PAWS ON MY BETROTHED-TO-BE AND STAKE YOUR CLAIM?”

Shego grabbed Kim by the shoulders, looked at her with the most adorable, helpless expression the redhead had ever seen and whimpered, “Kim, help me.”