SEVEN

Disorder In The House

.

.

Aeryn laughed out loud, leaning forward and pulling all the shiny stones back toward her.

“I told you, Rygel, I’ve got you now,” she chuckled.

John stood behind her, his wide, worried eyes fastened on her movements, his thumb jammed across his mouth firmly to keep it shut.

“So you think,” Rygel grumped.

“Hey, don’t lose now, you little fek. I’ve got a wager you’ll win,” Chiana tutted indignantly from behind him.

“Oh shut up,” he snapped. “As if I care about any wager you have when I could lose my imperial robes!”

Aeryn giggled to herself, picking up the empty cup and turning in her seat.

“Crichton,” she commanded, not even noticing his aggrieved face, “get me more of this drink. It’s amazing.”

“I think you’ve had enough,” he managed.

She set the cup back down gently, then tipped her finger over her shoulder. He walked up behind her slowly until she leaned to her right, looking up at him over her left shoulder.

“I’ll say when I’ve had enough. Get me some more.”

“Boy.”

“What?”

“Don’t forget to call me ‘Boy’,” he replied sarcastically. She just blinked at him and he grasped the cup, turning to walk away.

“Right, well, anyway,” she said, turning back to look at Rygel. He narrowed his eyes at her for a long moment. She ignored him, tossing her plait over her shoulder haughtily. “Come on then. I want to finish this so I can go claim my barrel of moon’s shine and drink all of it in front of you,” she nodded.

Rygel rumbled resentfully, looking at Zhaan and nodding. She inclined her head and dealt a new hand, waiting patiently while the players assessed their cards. Rygel cleared his throat slowly.

“I’ll buy a card, Zhaan,” he said quietly.

The transaction was completed quickly with no interference from Aeryn, who sat watching both Rygel and Chiana with seemingly smug amusement.

“Aeryn?” Zhaan asked politely.

She sniffed, rubbed at her nose, and then straightened in her chair.

“Ok then. Rygel. Here we go. Reedum an weep,” she pronounced clearly, setting her cards down on the table.

Rygel stared. And stared.

Then he turned and looked at Chiana for a long moment.

“I told you never to trust a Peacekeeper, former or otherwise,” he snapped. Then he dropped his cards to the table. “Take that, bitch! I trump every single frelling card you have! Ha!”

Aeryn just stared at the table, her eyes glued to the cards thereon.

John arrived back at the door with a full cup of moonshine. He paused, assessing the mood of everyone and then wandering a little closer. He spied the cards and stopped dead.

“Goddamn it, Aeryn!” he accused. Then he lifted the cup and emptied it.

.

.

“So now all that there remains for me to do is complete this last hand and take your clothes,” Rygel chuckled. He lifted a hand behind him and Chiana grabbed it, laughing maniacally and shaking his fingers.

“Dren,” Aeryn whispered, her eyes still on the cards. Her face snapped up to look at the Hynerian. “You! You cheated!”

“No, Aeryn, he could not have cheated,” Zhaan said gently. “You lost. You gambled too quickly and too recklessly, and you lost.”

“Well I’m ready for the last hand! I want my pulse pistol back!” she cried angrily.

John walked around the table, waving his hands at Zhaan.

“Nah, ah-ah, absolutely not,” he called quickly. “No. She is done. We’re done. I’m going to live the next few months without pants, and it’s all Aeryn’s fault.”

“Crichton!” she gasped. “My fault? Who made the moon’s shine?”

“Ok, alright, so it wasn’t all your fault - it was a team effort,” he allowed.

She shot out of her chair, advancing on him and only stopping when he backed into a bulkhead painfully.

“Aeryn, hit me or give me a shot in the jewels if it’ll make you feel better, but it’s not going to help you win the last hand. Quit while you’re ahead,” he said clearly.

“I’m not ahead! I’ve got no more than I came in with!”

“But you have your clothes!” he pointed out. “That’s more than I walked away with!”

She fumed inches from his face for a long moment. He put his hands up in surrender, mindful of the others watching this little temper tantrum from an intoxicated Sebacean.

“Look… Quit now. You’ve got your clothes and your dignity. Walk away,” he advised darkly.

She shook her head slowly.

“Aeryn, please. I do not want you to have to give your clothes to Rygel. You know what he’ll be sniffing for the next few solar days if you do?” he pleaded. “Don’t. Do. It.”

She continued to stare up at him with the large, expressive eyes he found so hard to resist.

“Do you trust me?” she said, so quietly he thought she had mouthed it at him.

He flicked his gaze over to the others, watching with matching expressions of worry. He looked back down at her, thinking furiously.

What am I even thinking about this for? He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yes.”

She nodded ever so slightly. “Then beg me not to play the last hand.”

His eyebrows registered his confusion by mamboing their little Uncertainty Ditty while his brain decided that he really, really couldn’t afford the time to try and work it all out.

“Aeryn,” he said firmly. “Do not play that last hand.”

“I’ll do whatever I want!” she cried angrily.

He tried to back up a little further and failed. “No! You can’t! You’ll literally lose your shirt!”

“If you don’t shut up and let me play, I’ll shoot you and play it anyway!” she shouted.

“What with? He’s got your gun!”

She put her hands up and pressed them into his t-shirt, leaning on them. “You honestly believe I only ever carry one weapon?”

“You win,” he squeaked instantly.

“Stay!” she commanded.

He nodded, hands still up, and she turned away from him. She walked to the table and plonked herself down a little unsteadily.

“Right, where were we - oh yes. The last hand. Deal,” she said tonelessly.

Zhaan took a deep breath. “Aeryn, perhaps it would be best if--”

“Deal, you interfering bitch!” she snapped.

Zhaan squared her shoulders as her expression tightened. She looked up at John, still plastering himself against the bulkhead, and then back down at the Sebacean.

“Fine. On your head be it,” Zhaan stated. She began to deal a fresh hand.

John slid off the wall and stumbled over slowly, keeping well back from Aeryn’s chair this time. He looked at D’Argo, who shook his head in sympathy.

Rygel was grinning. “Got you now, Peacekeeper. I wonder if your little black top there will fit me,” he oiled.

“I wonder if my boot will fit up your ass,” John threatened quietly.

Rygel look at him, then away to Aeryn again. The two players picked up their cards.

“Does anyone wish to buy a card?” Zhaan asked softly.

“I do,” Aeryn said, her voice like stone.

Zhaan surveyed the table in front of her. “You have nothing with which to buy--”

Aeryn stood and peeled off her leather waistcoat, folding it and setting it on the table.

“No,” John moaned, his hand wiping over his face. “Don’t do this, Aeryn. Please.”

She ignored him. Rygel twirled at his whiskers slowly, shifting his eyes to and enjoying the agonised look on the male human’s face. He looked at Zhaan.

“I have no need of further cards,” he said loudly. “With my win, I keep Crichton’s room, his and D’Argo’s clothes, D’Argo’s money pouch, the barrel of and recipe to the moon’s shine, Aeryn’s jacket, her pulse pistol, and all of her gems. Do I have it right, Zhaan?” he asked, his voice dripping with honey.

“You do,” she confirmed, her voice a near whisper. She looked at Aeryn. “Do you wish to play the hand or fold with what you have?”

“Aeryn,” John warned. “Don’t do this for me, it’s not worth it.”

“You mean you’re not worth it?” she asked clearly, her eyes still on Rygel’s.

“Yes! I’m not worth it! My room’s not worth it! Hell, even my damn pants ain’t worth it! Just fold, will you? Just - please - fold! I. Am. Begging. You.”

She smiled grimly. “I am committed. And a soldier always follows a strategy through, no matter what.”

“You’re not a soldier any more! Quit this, now!” John shouted.

“Rygel,” she said, her face draining of amusement. “Show ‘em.”

The Hynerian looked at Chiana by his side before hovering down slightly. He placed each card out slowly, laying them side by side across the front of his mountain of gems, stones and sparkly baubles.

“There,” he said, with so much satisfaction Aeryn wondered if he were touching his own eyebrows.

“Oh,” Aeryn remarked, surprised.

John slapped his hands over his face.

“What’s the matter?” Rygel oiled. “Not what you expected?”

“Actually?” Aeryn said, her face white and vulnerable, “No, not at all. I mean, I saw you take the blue stijj card and swap it for the yellow hraas one Zhaan dealt you, but I didn’t see you palm that yellow stijj card like that.”

“What?” Rygel gasped. He looked at Zhaan quickly. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about!” he protested as the Delvian began to advance on him.

“Oh. Then how did Zhaan just give me a yellow stijj card, when there’s only one in the entire pack?” Aeryn asked innocently, blinking large eyes at everyone. She lifted her hand to brandish the yellow playing card at everyone. “I mean, I’m hardly an expert at this game, but I think that if someone has a duplicate card, they must be cheating. Do I have it right, Zhaan?” she blinked with so much naivety Moya could have used it as ballast.

The Pa’u looked at her, then inclined her head deeply. “You have it right, Aeryn. Once again, I am at a loss for words to commend your conduct.”

John let his hands fall from over his eyes at last, letting them rest over his mouth instead. D’Argo shot to his feet, taking a deep breath.

“So all bets are off!” he demanded. “So you, Rygel, can return all of the items you cheated from us!”

“Actually,” Zhaan said slowly, “As Rygel’s last card no longer counts, I believe Aeryn has won all of the items. They now belong to her.”

“Oh,” Aeryn observed, looking round at everyone. “Well, if that’s true…” She stood and picked up her waistcoat, slipping it back on over her small top, and then reaching for her pistol. She turned and looked at John. “Then that means… your pants are mine?”

He still had his hands over his mouth. He nodded dumbly.

She grinned. “Oh good. I’ll see what Pilot can do about washing them,” she said happily.

Rygel put a hand over his eyes and turned his chair around quickly, disappearing from the room and leaving all his ex-winnings on the table. D’Argo looked at Zhaan, touching her elbow and smiling widely before reaching for his clothes.

Zhaan shrugged at Chiana, who turned and bolted from the room, the Delvian tutting and following quickly.

D’Argo nodded to Aeryn and she smiled in triumph, reaching over and picking up the Luxan money pouch. She hefted it, about to toss it to him, but then paused.

“How much did you have in here before Rygel got his claws on it?” she asked with a worried frown, before throwing it to him anyway.

“If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone on the ship?” he breathed.

Aeryn and John nodded.

“Absolutely nothing,” D’Argo grinned. He sniffed, tossed the money pouch into the air, catching it and nodding to himself. “What’s what word?” he asked John. “Cool?”

“Cool,” he confirmed.

D’Argo grinned and turned around, playing catch with his empty pouch until he was out of the door.

“Well I’ll be damned,” John managed, his voice quiet.

“So will I,” Aeryn observed. “This ‘cool’?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s a good thing?”

“It’s the best thing.”

“I see.”

“No, you don’t,” John allowed, smiling slightly.

Aeryn turned to look at him, reaching for his trousers on the table. “You want these back now?” she asked with a smile.

“Ooooh yeah,” he said eagerly, walking over and putting his hand out for them. She snatched them back.

“First,” she said clearly, “you tell me how good I was.”

“What?”

“My little performance.”

John stared. He calculated. His sub-conscious jumped up and smacked his gullibility over the head several times. “What? No! That was all an act?”

“Couldn’t you tell?” she smiled.

“No! Dammit Aeryn, I was crapping myself!” he accused. “Don’t ever do that to me again!”

“Then you stop gambling with that little toe, and--”

“Toad.”

“--toad and we won’t have to do this again. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” he blinked, before smiling slightly and looking at his feet. She watched him, lost. He looked up again, walking closer, ostensibly to reach for his trousers in her hand. “Thanks,” he said gently.

“For which part of my amazing plan?”

“You ah… You really came through for me, and… and you got my stuff - and D’Argo’s stuff - back. And you did it so well,” he managed with unexpected warmth.

Just for a moment, she let her grin widen, basking in the glow of his appreciation.

“Well then,” she said briskly, letting the hand with the trousers in it drop behind her.

“Well then,” he allowed.

“You do realise that the moon’s shine in that barrel is now mine?”

“What?”

“I just won it - Zhaan said so.”

“Well yeah, but--”

“And so are your pants.”

“C’mon, Aeryn, hand them over.”

“No. They’re mine,” she said simply. “And now we’re going to finish that barrel of gut-rot and you’re going to destroy the recipe.”

“Awww, Aeryn! It took me arns to get that right!”

“Exactly. We drink the barrel dry, job done.”

“You and me?” he havered.

“You and me.”

“Uh… ok,” he shrugged. “You know I can drain the tanks from an aircraft carrier of beer, right?”

“I can burp my own name,” she challenged.

“Now that is attractive,” he laughed.

She turned and walked for the door, John hurrying to catch up. “Aeryn? My pants?” he prompted.

“No. They’re mine.”

“No really, Aeryn--”

“I’ll play you for them.”

“You want to play that circle card game thing for them?”

“Yes.”

“But I have to be the worst player in the Uncharted Territories!”

“In that case,” she said, stopping at the door and lifting the trousers and her chin with an imperious flick, “we’ll play the strip version.”

.

FIN

.

Yes, another Warren Zevon title as a chapter title. Exactly as it appears on the album ‘The Wind’.

‘Disorder in the house! There's a flaw in the system, and the fly in the ointment's gonna bring the whole thing down… I just got my paycheck, I'm gonna paint the whole town grey, whether it's a night in Paris or a Fresno matinee…’

Thanks for reading. It was my first Farscape fic, but it won’t be my last. I promise the next one will be better.