Title: Losing Control

Author: Anyssia

Fandom: BtVS, during season 4, when Spike lives in the Basement Of Doom

Prompt: prompt 171 – “Bastard”, Taming The Muse (LJ)

Pairing: pre-slash Spike/Xander

Warnings: some sex/violence, attempt rape, beta’ed by Mulder200 (LJ)

Rating: PG-13 / T

Status: 2135 words, one-shot, 10/30/2009

Soundtrack: Adiemus

Summary: "You've been needling me and trying to get a rise out of me for days, and I'm not Gandhi.”

Xander comes home late again, tired and frustrated after another day of meaningless work and he doesn't know if he will be able to ignore Spike’s nagging today. The vampire’s still living with him – or more like, living off him – and Anya gave him an ultimatum last week. She doesn't want to have to bear with the demon. She wants a quiet life, a normal human life, which is kind of hypocritical in his opinion.

Xander’s afraid that she will leave one day.

In fact, he knows that she will leave. She hates it that he still supports Buffy and the others, and he can’t seem to make her understand that if he isn’t a Slayerette, he’s nothing these days.

Fighting demons and working crap jobs for a minimal wage is his life now. When he has a job, that is.

He just got fired from another one today. They don't like him coming to work with bruises and to stiff to carry boxes. They’ve been watching him for a week already and he knew what they were going to say when his boss called him today.

Nevertheless, Xander won't stop helping the girls. It's foolish and dangerous, and he doesn’t do much except tell stupid jokes and be used for bait but he still needs to do something.

So he is worn-out and stressed, but he can deal. He lost another crap job because of the Slayer, his girlfriend dumped him because of the Slayer and he has a vampire for roommate because of the Slayer. He wonders if everything really is the Slayer's doing, then shakes his head. Of course, the world resolves around the Slayer. Or else there wouldn't be any world left.

;;;

Xander pushes the basement's door and squashes ruthlessly the little voice that whines in his head every time he thinks about his parents and his rent and his crappy 'apartment' paid by his crappy jobs.

Spike’s here, lounging on the battered sofa, his booted feet resting on the coffee table he built with an old door and a few bricks. The vampire’s watching another re-run of Passions or something and Xander almost decides to join him and stare at the TV, zombie style.

Then Spike looks up at him and grins, sharp smile over sharper teeth, very much like a predator that just smelled a prey’s blood.

"Lost another job, again?" Spike mocks him. "At this rate, you'll have tried every business in town. It's great; they say you need to try everything at least once before choosing what you prefer. Of course, you’re not good at anything, are you?"

It's just another taunt and another derisive snicker on another bad day, like any other in Xander’s miserable life, but it's too much.

Xander screams "Fuck you!" at the top of his lungs and he doesn't even care if his dad comes bang on the door to yell at him to shut up. Two steps bring him in the center of the room and he grabs the other.

The vampire looks up at him and Xander can see doubts and fear cross his face for a second. Xander usually don't go after those who can't fight back, but Spike isn't human anyway and it will make him feel good to vent his anger for once.

The thin shirt tears under Xander's grip but he doesn't care. He adjusts his hold and shakes Spike a few more times. The vampire is growling, insulting him and ordering him to let go, but he can't do anything without hurting the human and, for once, Xander is the strongest once. It's a false impression, but it's all he has and the power feels good.

Then, Spike snaps and shoves him back. Xander falls on the ground and he stares at the vampire. Spike isn't even hurt; he just pushed Xander and didn't make him feel pain, so the chip didn't react. Xander can't help but feel a little disappointed.

"What the hell is your problem, tosser?"

Xander sits on the ground with an arm wrapped around a leg and stares at Spike for a moment. The English accent makes him wants to laugh and he knows that the last word was an insult, but the weird words always sound funny instead of harsh. Then he doesn't want to laugh anymore, because he had had enough.

"My problem? My problem is you!" He snarls, too angry to shout. "You squat my apartment and sit on your ass on my sofa, watching my television, while I struggle with three jobs a day to pay for your blood and your cereals and the fucking hot water that you drain every day before I come back from work!"

He's shouting in Spike's face again. He doesn't even remember getting up. They're almost in what passes for the kitchen, Spike's back pressed against the counter and Xander wonders flittingly if they'll crash through it.

"I've had enough! You want blood now? Then you'll pay for it, because I won't be your damn bank anymore!"

He watches the fear in Spike's eyes again, but the vampire’s got balls and snaps back, his face hard and his voice as loud as Xander's.

"And how do you think I can get a job, you bloody pillock?"

Spike elbows Xander out of the way but he shoved too hard and he falls on his knees when the chip fires to punish him.

Xander doesn't even pay attention to the bruise already forming. He grabs Spike by his hair and almost lets go right away when he realizes that they aren't glued to the vampire's scalp for once. Then he remembers something about Spike shouting at him this morning to buy some gel before coming back from work. It's just another layer he adds to his anger and he shakes Spike hard, not caring if he's hurting him.

"You're a vampire, not a damn zombie! With your pretty face and your white skin, I bet you will find customers easily."

He spoke viciously and for a moment, he wonders if Spike is more stunned by his tone or by his words. Then the vampire struggles again, trying to break free from the human's grip, and Xander loses control of his temper.

He backhands him, throwing him to the ground and straddles him.

"That's it, you fuck. You want money, then spread your legs for me! You'll earn your blood one way or another," Xander spits, "and you can even make up for making my girlfriend leave."

Xander tears what's left of Spike’s shirt from his body, ignoring the vampire's desperate movements. The jeans give him some difficulties, he's not used to opening them on someone else because Anya mostly wore dresses or pants, but he manages. He gets them halfway down Spike's legs before the moaning sounds that the vampire’s making penetrate the haze of rage that’s clouding his mind.

"Bastard, bloody human bastard," Spike begs or cries, he doesn't know, and suddenly he realizes what he’s been doing.

Xander lets go of Spike as if he's burning him, and Spike curls himself in a ball, not even trying to cover his ass. They are both panting and shaking and Xander can't believe he almost raped the vampire. It's like being back in high-school, the few times he had wondered if they were going to do more that hit him, and he realizes that he was the bully this time and that Spike was the helpless victim.

Except that, Spike really couldn't fight back and that Xander wasn't just stealing him his lunch.

;;;

Xander doesn't remember how long they’ve been sitting here but his ass is numb and Spike is still whispering on the floor. Xander feels like crying too, but he knows he doesn't deserve the relief.

It's the first time he thought about Spike as more than a demon. But the vampire isn’t just a sentient being; he’s also a helpless person. Xander doesn’t like what it says about him that he could attack like that someone who couldn’t fight back.

"Fuck, Spike..." He doesn't know what to say and sorry won't make anything better. He feels drained and the vampire is still cowering from him. "Damn it, Spike... I'm sorry," he still adds, because it’s the only thing he can think of.

Xander reaches out slowly toward Spike but the moaning only gets louder. He slides his hands down the vampire’s back and pushes him face down on the floor. He realizes that he’s been murmuring and whispering reassurances, but it’s not important. Spike has stopped shivering and he lets himself be moved.

Xander grabs the jeans and pulls them up until they are back on Spike. He doesn't wonder if there’s no underwear because Spike can't afford or steal them or if he just doesn’t like them. He lets Spike take care of the button and zipper and helps him up.

"I..."

"Shut up."

Spike's voice is gruff and his hands are still shaking. Xander feels the guilt washes over him once again. He stirs the other toward the sofa and pushes him down. Spike freezes and glances at him and Xander jerks back as if he’s been slapped because the fear is back on the vampire’s face.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply and tries to ignore the voice that's freaking out in him and repeating 'rapist' over and over again.

"I'm sorry. Really. I promise you that I won't hurt you ever again."

When he looks down again, Spike's back in control, and for a second he wonders if he didn't imagine everything. But Spike's shirt is still in tatters and there is a mark in the counter, where he slammed Spike.

"Think I should trust you words?"

The tone is scathing but Xander hears the uncertainty under them. He lets himself fall on the sofa, his head resting on the back and stares at the ceiling.

"I lost it, I know. But you've been needling me and trying to get a rise out of me for days, and I'm not Gandhi." He turns and stares at Spike. "You tried to kill me a few times too, so I won't feel too guilty for what I almost did."

"Fucking right I tried, and I swear it, as soon as the chip’s out, I'll drain you and that's a promise."

"I know." And he knows, really. But now Spike’s still chipped and nobody seems to know how to get it out. "I know. But you're still living with me and if we don't do something, we'll kill each other before the end of the week."

Spike doesn’t have an answer to that and Xander just watches the television. His brain’s running in circles and he can't think. They went too far or maybe, not far enough, and now they need to find a balance.

"Damn you, Harris, I won't give up now!" Spike growls and grabs him by his wife-beater, and this time it's Xander that gets shaken. "I won't run from you with my tail between my legs, even if it means living in this bloody basement with you."

Xander just stares at him for a while, then his mouth runs ahead of his brain, again.

"Then help me get out of here."

He doesn't know which one of them is the most startled, but at least Spike lets go of him.

"Help you? Are you out of your mind, whelp?" The vampire stammers, trying to find an adequate retort.

"You want to get out of here and I want to get out of here. But for that I need money and a job, and fast-foods are well and good, but they won't pay a real rent, let alone my food and your blood."

The more he thinks about it, the more he wonders if maybe this isn't the solution. "If you help me find a real job and maybe if you find a way to get some money too, we could get out of here for good."

Spike stares at him for a while, unreadable, and Xander wonders if maybe he didn't go too far with this. Not that he knew where he was going either anyway.

They stay silent for a while and then Spike just says, "all right", and Xander breathes again, even if he hadn’t realized that he had stopped.

He sneaks a peek at Spike but the vampire’s back to staring at the screen and Xander just lets it go. They’ll find a way out of this pit or not, but for now they're in this together and it's better than what he had a couple of hours ago.

He just needs to ignore the fact that he lost control of himself so much that he almost raped another person.

END