Old Gendo's Game

By Lord Raa

Disclaim-me-do: There are no God Bees in Ohio.

Part two

Shinji Fuyutsuki walked slowly along the quiet street with the bearded man that had introduced himself as Gendo Ikari.

Eventually, he had gathered enough courage to ask his new acquaintance what he knew about his mother.

"Your mother and I go back a long time, Shinji-kun."

"But how do you know her?"

Gendo placed a white gloved hand on the teenager's shoulder. "I will tell you if you really want to know, Shinji-kun. But you have to understand that what I tell you will change everything you know about life, the universe, and everything.

"Are you really sure that you're ready for such a revelation?"

Shinji considered this for a moment. "Y-you're not going to say bad things about my mother, are you?"

"No."

That response seemed to calm Shinji down a little. "How much is it going to change things?"

The bearded man smirked. "I've seen minds blown, quite literally, when they learn some of the great cosmic truths."

"W-who are you?" Shinji asked. "Seriously, who are you and how do you know my mother?"

"I'm Satan, the Prince of Darkness, there's very little I don't know."

"S-so my mother is in Hell?"

Satan laughed. "No, far from it."

"T-t-then how do you know her?" Shinji asked, his mind reeling from what the bearded man was telling him.

"Two words: Old flame."

The young man's jaw dropped. Unfortunately for him, several youths approached and started to hurl abuse at him.

"Out the way, pussy."

"You've got some nerve blocking our way!"

Gendo sighed as he shook his head. "You lot should be more polite."

"Oh, you want some too?"

"No, but you talk tough for someone whose hair has just burst into flames."

"What? AAARRRGGHH!" the gang screamed in pain as they ran away.

"W-w-w-what just happened?" Shinji asked.

"Those, well, I suppose delinquents is the best term to describe them, were bothering you, and as per your mother's request to look out for you, I made them go away," Gendo explained. "Does that provide you with any proof that I'm Satan?"

"A little... but how do you know my mother?"

The disguised demon scratched his beard. "Well, it's a long story. But now it is time for another life-changing revelation: Kozo Fuyutsuki was not your father."

The teenager's face fell. "Then who was?"

"Are you sure you want to know this close to the start of school?"

"Yes."

"Shinji, _I_ am your father. You are the spawn of Satan."

"B-but... I'm not evil!"

"I know. That's because of your mother's influence," Satan explained.

Shinji could only laugh. "You're the most evil being ever! How was my mother supposed to have any influence over how I behave? Was she God or something?"

"Got it in one, son. But now it's time for school and I've got to get back to my day job. I'll see you at home time."

The bearded figure disappeared in a puff of black smoke that caused Shinji to cough loudly.

Back in Hell, Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki was talking with his new roommate, Jeff.

"So, how long have you been here, Jeff?" the grey-haired man asked.

"I can't really remember a time when I weren't here. It's not so bad here."

"But it's Hell!"

"Yeah, but Manchester United fans who aren't from Manchester end up here, and as a Liverpool supporter, that just brings a smile to me face," Jeff explained.

"What's wrong with Manchester United? Aren't they a successful team?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I see their merchandise in sportswear stores all over Japan. In fact, I was going to get my son a Manchester United shirt for his next birthday."

"Is that so?" Jeff hissed. "Well, it's a bit dark in here, so let me put on the light."

As the small room slowly filled with an off-white light, the Professor saw who he'd been talking to. "W-where's Jeff gone?"

"I'm Jeff," the bear-sized Australian funnel web spider answered. "Oh, look at that, there's nowhere for you to run to."

Fuyutsuki struggled on his hammock. "I can't get free!"

"That's because it's a web, you fool," Jeff mocked before striking the old man in the face, knocking him out. "Oh, don't pass out just yet, I've still got a shit-load of torment for you to experience."

Shinji was understandably distracted throughout most of the school day. It was something that his two friends had noticed and while they and the faculty were trying to give him some leeway, he was just slowly shuffling along the schoolyard towards the exit.

"We've got to do something about Shinji," Touji Suzuhara said to his bespectacled friend. "He was doing better yesterday. Maybe you should show him that new magazine you got? You know that one that chick with the glasses and huge jugs!"

Kensuke processed the description his friend had given him. "Oh, you mean that Mari Makinami one? Well, I guess that it could help cheer him up... Hey, Shinji!"

When Shinji didn't respond, Touji tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Dude, we're talking to you. Ken's got something that you'll like."

"Sorry guys, I... well, it's hard to explain," Shinji apologised. "I just want to go home."

"You sure? Because I've got something that you're gonna love!" Kensuke smiled enthusiastically.

"Yeah!" Touji added. "You gotta trust us, dude!"

"I'm sorry, but Shinji has something important to do," a man with a beard interrupted.

"He has?" Shinji's friends asked in unison.

"Indeed he does."

"Y-you!" Shinji said, pointing accusingly at man standing in front of him.

"I see you recognise me, Shinji. That's good. However, we need to finish our talk. Follow me, I'm in the mood for cake and coffee."

Shinji turned to his friends and bowed apologetically before following the bearded man.

"That's weird," Kensuke declared.

"Yeah, perhaps we should follow them. You know, to make sure that he's going to be ok?" Touji suggested.

Satan, in his Gendo Ikari guise, sat in a booth facing Shinji Fuyutsuki.

"W-what did you want to talk to me about?" the teenager asked. "And why should I believe anything you say? Aren't you supposed to lie to people and trick them all the time?"

"I want to talk to you about your mother. As for my credibility, what would you like me to do to prove it to you?" Satan replied.

"I don't know... tell me something about me that only I would know."

"You want me to read your mind? Ok, if you're sure about that. Your two friends think that, like them, you have a crush on your teacher, Miss Misato. But it's not quite that – you don't lust over her like your friends do.

"You're worried about her," the bearded figure said. "You don't think she can look after herself, but you're worried that if you say something, she'll take offence. Or worse still, she'll think that you're a stalker."

"H-how," Shinji looked around, "How did you know that?"

"What part of 'I'm Satan, there's very little I don't know', don't you understand?" Satan smirked.

The teenager felt a little foolish for a moment. "Ok, so let's say that I believe you that you're Satan and that you're my father. Why don't I have awesome powers?"

"Because your mother still remembers the last time she had a son on the mortal plane with superpowers. Didn't go well for him."

"What?"

"Your half-brother, Jesus," Satan clarified. "He's a nice lad, but no sense of humour. Unlike your mother, oh how she laughed when I put soap in Gabriel's trumpet."

"Wait, so you're telling me that I'm the child of God and Satan?" Shinji asked. "Just how did that work out?"

The bearded man sighed. "Well, you know that I said your mother was an old flame? Well, she was feeling a little bored and wanted another child. Rather than have a messiah on the planet again, which causes no end of trouble, she wanted a mortal child."

"So why didn't she... you know, like with Jesus?"

"Two things: one, she wanted to 'do it properly', and two, who's man enough to handle the Supreme Being in bed?"

Shinji sat in stunned silence, trying to process what he'd just been told when the waitress arrived with their order.

"Thank you miss," Satan smiled politely as he sipped his coffee. When they were alone again, he coughed to gain Shinji's attention. "So, is there anything you want to ask me?"

"So, what does this mean for me? Are people going to try to kill me or something?"

"It means that you're absolutely normal. Sure, you've never had any serious illnesses, but that's part of being your mother's child. Jesus never had anything more serious than nappy rash. As for people trying to kill you, I don't foresee anything out of the ordinary."

"Oh, so I'm a regular kid?" Shinji asked. "Despite being the son of God and Satan?"

"Well, you could do with a touch more fibre in your diet, but so could so many kids these days," the bearded man answered, smiling at the sudden, but slight confusion on his son's face. "Now, eat up: this cake is delicious."

"Ok," the teenager said quietly.

"Your mother wants you to be happy, Shinji. She feels that if you're unhappy, you'll kill yourself, damning you to Hell."

"What's Hell like?"

"It all depends on if you're a tormentor or one of the tormented. For example, aside from the fact that time doesn't exist in Hell and that I'm 40 percent goat, it's not too bad for me. However, for the likes of suicide bombers, part of their experience is eternal circumcision by origami experts. Incredibly painful, yet highly decorative."

"Ouch." Shinji winced and shifted in his seat to offer his crotch slightly better protection.

Satan finished his cake. "I'm glad we came here, Shinji."

The teenager finally stopped playing with his cake and tasted it. "It's good."

"Of course, I know where all the good eateries are."

"I... I want to know about my mother..."

Satan smiled warmly. "She decided to slum it as human for a few years to get used to her mortal body. That's when she met Fuyutsuki, though I doubt I'll ever know what she saw in the old man."

"Is he..."

"Yes, he's being tormented by my demons. The last I saw of him, he was being tormented by a talking spider called Jeff."

"W-what?" Shinji asked, recalling his 'father's' arachnophobia.

"Never mind that," the Devil smiled disarmingly. "Now, there's a reason why your mother chose me rather than Fuyutsuki. She was worried that you'd develop special powers like your brother. And if that happened, she knew that someone would try exploiting you."

"Oh, I see."

"And she called for me to help her out."

"Why you?"

"Like I said, the Almighty is an old flame. Back in the day, we were an item. Of course back then, I made these bishounen actor types look like the bastard offspring of the Elephant Man and a monkfish. Ah, good times..." Satan sighed wistfully. "After some serious fun in the bedroom, you were conceived and Fuyutsuki thought that he'd finally knocked up his wife."

"I don't mind being normal, but why did she leave me when I was four?" Shinji asked.

"As you may know, she's not always been the most patient of people. Factor in some serious road rage and hints of infidelity from the Professor and she was ready to wipe humanity off the face of the Earth."

"What stopped her?"

"Me. I casually mentioned that she'd promised not to do that again. She didn't like being reminded of that," Satan smiled. "But I managed to make her see sense."

"How?"

"I mentioned that her plan would kill off all the giraffes. You mother likes giraffes."

"This is getting weird," Shinji decided. "So I'm the distinctly normal son of God and Satan and I'm not expected to save the world or anything?"

"Not that I'm aware of," the bearded man shrugged. "Now, as part of my task, I need to know if there's a girl you like."

"Well, there are a couple, but I don't know how they feel about me..."

"Tell me their names, Son."

Touji and Kensuke walked up to where Shinji was seated.

"Yo, Fuyutsuki!" the muscular boy greeted. "How's it going?"

Satan turned to look at the two boys who were interrupting his important discussion with his son. "Can I help you?"

"Who are you?" Touji asked. "And what do you want with my friend?"

"I am a friend of Shinji's mother's. That is all you need to know," the bearded figure said.

"I ain't scared of you!"

"Oh really? Well, I supposed that's to be expected, I have seen smarter rocks after all," Satan smirked insufferably.

"YOU!" a loud voice declared, attracting the attention of everyone in the teahouse. "I've been looking for you!"

"And it would appear that you've found me. Who are you?"

"The person who's going to kick your ass!" the delinquent boasted, his twelve-strong gang surrounding him.

"With that army?" Satan laughed loudly, causing Shinji, Touji and Kensuke back away.

"There's a dozen of us and only one of you. And we're armed," the lead thug said, pulling out a switchblade.

"I'm outnumbered and outgunned, as it were? Well, in that case, I better leave with Shinji and his friends before it gets messy," the bearded man stood up and gestured to his son to do the same. "I do hope that your dysentery clears up before too long."

"What are you... Oh my God!" The gang all doubled up in pain as their bowels rebelled. "W-what did you do to us?"

"Me? I never touched you. The restaurant toilet is over there..."

The gang of maladjusted youths tried to run to the toilets, only to trip up and land awkwardly.

"What the Hell?"

"Didn't I mention that your shoes had melted to the floor? How careless of me. Shinji, let's go before I forget something else," Satan said, turning to where his son and friends were cowering.

In Heaven, God was watching over her mortal son's encounter with Satan. She was pleasantly surprised that her former lover hadn't killed the delinquents who had been bothering her son, but She was a little disgusted with how he'd dealt with them.

"Does he have to use bodily functions as torments so often?" the Supreme Being asked rhetorically.

God scratched her hair as She considered Satan's potential course of action. "I don't think that Shinji would appreciate his father just making those girls love him. But how should I...?

"I've got it. Rei, come over here."

A blue-haired angle floated over to where God was seated. "Yes, Your Supreme Magnificence?"

"I've got a mission for you. I want you to watch over my son."

"But your son is racking up for your pool game, Your Ineffableness," Rei said in a confused tone as she pointed to the Celestial Pool Hall.

"I'd almost forgotten about that, but I was talking about Shinji, not Jesus," God sighed. "When he gets here, you lot better treat him properly. Or else."

"It's not that we hate Shinji," the blue-haired angel insisted. "It's... well, it's his father."

The Supreme Being rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking you to fight off the Legions of Hell™ on your own, just keep an eye on things so that Satan doesn't go nuts and turn Shinji into some international playboy."

"But... to be a mortal..."

"Are you saying that you're too good to pretend to be a mortal? I was a mortal for a while. Are you saying that YOU are better than ME?" God asked, obsidian clouds forming around the pair. "I thought that I had purged the disloyal elements from Heaven."

"Nonononononononono," Rei backpedalled, holding her hands up in deference. "It's not that at all!"

The clouds crackled loudly as God waited for Rei to properly explain the situation.

"It's more like, well, what if Shinji decides he likes me?"

"Rei, do you not think that I might know who my son will fall in love with?"

"Does he fall for me?"

"Not telling" the Supreme Being said rising up to play pool with Jesus. She looked over her shoulder. "Though, if something did happen between you and Shinji, you would be hooking up with the boss's son. Of course, if you break his heart, I won't be your boss."

Rei understood the veiled threat. "O-of course, Your Supreme Indivisibleness."

"Hey!" Touji called to Satan. "Just what's going on here?"

"Are you sure that you want to know the answer, boy?" the bearded figure asked. "Can you be sure that I won't make your suffer their fate if I get angry?"

The jock paused for a moment as he recalled what he'd seen and then recoiled. "No, but..."

"Then shut your mouth before I do get angry. Shinji, I've got somewhere to be, so we'll talk again tomorrow."

After Satan walked off, Kensuke turned to Shinji. "Dude, just who was that?"

"I... I'm not really sure, but he said that he knew my mother," Shinji answered.

To be continued...?

Pre-read by Chi Vayne, previewed on various tubes, inspired by something written by someone far more talented than I. What more can I say at this time?