TITLE: Misconceptions About Reputation

AUTHOR: Cherrymelle

FANDOM: Fullmetal Alchemist

PAIRING: Ed/Roy

GENRE: Crack Porn

RATING: NC-17

WARNING: slash, porn, language, srewy timeline, general insanity

DISCLAIMER: Full Metal Alchemist and its characters aren’t mine, but the following fic is. Anyway, that’s not like I was making money out of either of them.

SUMMARY: Edward had never noticed his Colonel had such a big tongue, nor that it was so... lax and slimy. So much for the expression “having a sharp tongue”!

(...) right now he was reconsidering an old proposition the Shit Colonel had made some time ago. (...) Sure he hated the guy, but in the same time he loved Alphonse and that didn’t stop the sex from being awful, so, maybe with someone he hated the sex would be good... hopefully. Hell, it couldn’t be worse anyway, he was pretty sure the bout with Al was worthy of figuring in the records as the worst sex ever (...)

~xxxx~

In hindsight, he should have seen it coming, but wasn’t that what everyone always said. Many things could have been done in hindsight. It was too late now to mourn. He was the one who had challenged the Powers of Worse and he would have to deal with the after-effects, for better or for worse...

It had been far from simple to ditch Al and to leave him behind to pine in Rizenbul while he pursued the man who would hopefully sate his overacting hormones. Yet, he had managed. He had made his way to Central with little to no problem, but since he was in the city, delays hadn’t stopped piling one atop another. The worst of them being Hawkeye running endless interferences. Watchdog indeed. The woman had eyes everywhere, as boasted her name and she looked after Mustang like a she-wolf her cubs. Cornering the man alone had been a trial. He’d really appreciate if she would give him a break. It wasn’t like Ed had nefarious intentions concerning Roy, except maybe towards his virtue and he honestly doubted that the bastard still possessed any salvageable bits of that thing.

He had had to resign himself to breaking and entering in the Colonel’s house. It was far from his most glorious day, but since it did the job, he was content enough. He was finally in place and alone with the bastard... The bastard who now harbored an impossibly smug smirk and a faintly raised eyebrow. All things considered that was a relatively mild reaction for one’s commanding officer upon finding one’s subordinate naked and offered on one’s own bed. It was however a very Mustang-ish reaction and if it hadn’t served his purpose Edward might have been annoyed by the man’s arrogance.

Let him be as smug as he wanted. Yes he finally had the Fullmetal Alchemist exactly where he had wanted him for many years and yes he was proven right with his certainty that said alchemist would find himself in this exact position sooner or later despite his protestations to the contrary. Ed wouldn’t give the bastard the pleasure of acknowledging his smugness. Shit happens, deal with it! On the bright side and if the man fumbling with his coat’s button was any indication, Ed would soon see action, hopefully of the satisfying sort. That was a good enough reason, in his books, to let the man enjoy his little victory. Everyone was entitled to be petty once in a while and if he had his way, Roy would not be the only one benefiting from Ed’s surrender.

“What a pleasant surprise Fullmetal! Had I known you were waiting for me, I would have come home sooner. I hope you weren’t here too long, we can’t have you catching a cold.”

“I just ditched the clothes when I heard you returning home and I was under the impression you would be more than willing to warm me up.”

There wasn’t quite a question mark at the end of the sentence, but as it was Ed’s turn to raise an eyebrow, the challenge was plain enough. Mustang was making quick work of divesting himself and was trailing his eyes hungrily on the naked form lain before him. It was fortunate the teenager had little in the matters of body shyness because the man didn’t seem to miss an inch of flesh and looked positively ravenous, which boded really well for Ed’s plans.

When Roy was down to his briefs --plain white briefs, obviously Military-issued, a far cry from the silk boxers Ed had somehow expected-- he advanced towards the young man on his bed with the intent of a predator stalking his prey. The man was a work of art, all hard muscles under fair skin and moving with feline grace. The dark eyes turned even darker and captured the golden ones. Edward shuddered under the blatantly sexual onslaught and licked his lips in a mixture of anticipation and uncertainty. It was only when he climbed on the bed and came looming above the slender form that Mustang finally spoke. His words were a little hoarse and breathless, betraying his fierce arousal, but the promise in them was unmistakable.

“Fear not, sweet one, I will make you hot alright.”

After this impossibly corny comeback, Roy latched on Ed’s mouth with voracious enthusiasm and they exchanged their first kiss. A really sloppy kiss. Edward wasn’t an expert at kissing but he had experimented a little with Al before they decided to try the main course. If their first kisses had been clumsy, they eventually got the hang of it after a while. Compared with the final result of that dedicated practice, Roy’s kiss was... awkward.

The man’s breath wasn’t bad per se, but nor was it exactly pleasant. That was to be expected though for a man just free from the office to taste of stale coffee and too much time talking to idiots. The teenager could let that pass, but did the man have to slobber that much? He was almost drowning in Mustang’s drool and the impressive size of his tongue made the urge to gag all the more threatening. Edward had never noticed his Colonel had such a big tongue, nor that it was so... lax and slimy. So much for the expression ‘having a sharp tongue’! Evidently that wasn’t literal.

Hell bent in overcoming all difficulties in his quest for gratification, the young alchemist cast aside this minor discomfort in the best way he could think of: he turned his head and offered his bare throat to Roy. That granted him an approving groan and to have his skin nearly devoured by an overeager lover. Mustang’s hands weren’t idle either. He was grasping nearly frantically at each part of the smaller body he could reach as if testing the elasticity of the flesh. Ed guessed that was the way to get to the good part and thought that was probably what had been lacking when he and Al had tried to have sex. There seemed to be more to this than just penetration. He had made a sound decision in coming to Mustang; he would learn useful things here.

The caresses weren’t too bad... for a while. After a certain amount of time though, the Colonel was getting sweaty, really sweaty, like dripping. He had to be pretty excited to sweat so much and his palms were all sticky. That was unpleasant, especially with the way he was slobbering while nipping at Ed's throat and torso. He should really see someone for this. Nobody should drool that much; his saliva glands might have some kind of malfunction. Not that Ed worried for the bastard’s health mind you, but it was a little repulsive from his point of view and if there was to be a repeat performance, he would appreciate something was done about that.

Mustang was heavy too, so in addition to being all wet with the other’s bodily fluids, Edward was getting crushed. His position was uncomfortable to say the least and he would like to get on with it. The older man was also panting wildly now and that worried Ed. It wouldn’t do to have the man lose a lung even before they came to the good part. He would have thought the Flame Alchemist would have more stamina. That wasn’t as if they had done much of anything yet.

He concluded that in order to move things along, he would have to take matters into his own hands. With blind determination, Ed rolled them on the side and started on removing the annoying briefs. Roy would have to be naked for the remaining of the session. The blond wasn’t really looking at what he was doing as Roy’s hungry expression presented a far more interesting show. That’s why his eyes only fell on the Colonel’s erection once he had thrown the piece of clothing in a remote part of the room. Then, he stared...

It probably wasn’t very polite to stare like that, but it wasn’t exactly like Ed made a habit of being polite where the bastard was concerned and, well, that sure was staring material! Was it even possible for a grown man to have so small a penis? Stupid question! Obviously, it was possible. Yet, Edward was left dumbfounded. It was erect and an angry red, but stood barely above three inches. It was a nightmare. Surely, Ed would wake up shortly. The arrogant Colonel whom all women dreamed about couldn’t be so ill-equipped. He was called Mustang for God’s sake! Never a name had been so badly chosen!

Ed’s right eye was twitching madly, but he couldn’t stop staring and had yet to blink. And the man had the galls to mock his size? At least, that little revelation about his Colonel would provide an endless source of retaliation when the man next began insulting him; best case scenario: it would be prime blackmail material. The growing grin was however squashed fast and Ed frowned. It wasn’t the time to challenge Roy’s manhood, it would only piss him off and the teenager wouldn’t get any. Moreover, what worried him was that there was no way the man could reach Edward’s prostate with his tiny member. The blond had learned firsthand that it wasn’t a mean fit even with a decent-sized penis. Yet, Al had assured him that without prostate stimulation, anal sex wouldn’t be enjoyable for the receiver...

The grin blossomed anew and this time Ed let it bloom full force. It wouldn’t be said that the Fullmetal Alchemist couldn’t make the best of any situation. He had hoped to see Mustang on his knees after all. He threw a glance at Roy’s face and was somewhat surprised to see that he didn’t seem the slightest fazed by the younger boy’s staring. He probably shouldn’t have. Chances were that nothing in existence could ever shake this man's assurance. That didn’t mean Ed couldn’t try...

“So, Colonel, you are aware that I will be the one doing the fucking here?”

Mustang gave him a searching look and shrugged one shoulder, which was awkward given his lying position.

“Whichever you want Fullmetal. I am curious to see you burn all this youthful energy.”

It was said with the usual challenging smirk and Ed forgot to be surprised by this easy surrender. When one looked at it closely, he should have expected that. The man was known to be lazy and the submissive position was the less tiring one. Edward also suspected that Mustang had waited to have his subordinate in bed for so long that he would comply with his every whim. Pleasant thought indeed.

“Do you have... stuff?”

“Lubricant? In the bedside drawer, Fullmetal.”

While Ed searched for the vial of oil which would make the penetration easier, Roy helpfully turned to lie on his belly, even arranging a pillow under his groin to expose more of his back entrance. When the teenager went back to the matter at hands, he found himself staring once again. Roy had hairy cheeks! Edward almost dropped the oil in his startlement. Of course Mustang was a man and a dark-haired one at that, but he didn’t have hair anywhere else. His chest was smooth, his legs barely covered in fine down and Ed hadn’t ever even seen him with a blue jaw. He really had had no reason to expect a hairy butt. He shook himself from his stupor and took a silent oath not to look too closely in case he found pimples to match the coarse black fur.

Moving along! It would take more than those little mood-breakers to damp the ardors of a sixteen-years-old and Ed made short work of preparing Roy. He was being careful enough with this without being as thorough as he’d been with his little brother. Al had been a virgin, Roy wasn’t. When Edward finally entered the man, he gave a relieved sigh. With how the things had gone until then, he almost expected to find him lax or unpleasant in any other way. Fortunately, it had been a silly concern as the man turned out to be just as impossibly tight and hot as anyone could dream of.

After his initial entry, Edward paused to give them both the time to accommodate to the new feeling. Soon, he gave a few tentative thrusts, at the same time relieving himself of the worst of the urgency. Then, he opened the eyes he didn’t remember closing and forced himself to calm to enjoy the experience to its fullest. It was from this point on that all went downhill...

The sight of his member entering Roy would have been appealing, but as the hair there was a powerful repellent, he purposefully looked further along his superior’s body. He was surprised to find the man utterly still and silent. Mustang had his head thrown back, his eyes closed and a continuous trickle of drool coming down from his open mouth. The expression gave away his enjoyment of the act, but wasn’t of the most pleasant visual effects. Hell, he looked grotesque and vulgar.

Ed cringed and missed a few thrusts. Luckily, the pressure on his penis alone was enough to keep him excited or he would have lost his erection. He forced himself to pick up his rhythm again. It wasn’t easy as his hands which were gripping Roy’s hips kept slipping on the profusely sweating skin. Somehow, he managed. His movements were however erratic and the older man wasn’t helping any. As a matter of fact, except for his chest shaking with harsh pants, reminding Ed of the coughs of an old engine, Mustang wasn’t moving at all. For all that the bastard was participating; Ed could have as well been masturbating. Disappointing didn’t even begin to cover it.

The boy was wondering if Roy was feeling any pleasure at all as he was utterly uninformative, when, at long last, the man screeched. Screeched, really, like a banshee. A hair-rising sound that grated on Ed’s nerves even while answering his silent question. Mustang was enjoying himself and had just reached his climax. Mercifully, the clenching of Roy’s inner muscles on the teenager's penis sweetened the unpleasantness of the audio and Ed orgasmed suit.

It was a purely physical reaction. Orgasm wasn’t even the most appropriate word as for all the mental pleasure Ed had garnered from the entire experiment he felt all but satisfied. He had ejaculated yes. No more than that. He wasn’t even feeling the proverbial “boneless” and managed without a pause nor any difficulties to withdraw from Roy’s depths and to lay himself aside. Then, he turned towards the older man and was somewhat put upon by the utter satisfaction displayed on the now lax features. That was the last straw for his frayed temper and he couldn’t help himself but to accuse:

“You’re a lousy lay, shit Colonel!”

The smirk openly growing on the bastard’s face wasn’t doing anything to dampen his helpless rage and Ed felt himself trembling with frustration.

“Of course I am! What did you expect?”

“Huh?”

Definitely not his best comeback, but appropriate given the circumstances. The man didn’t look insulted or even fazed in the slightest. If anything, he appeared smugger than usual as if pleased to have yet another thing to hold over his subordinate’s head. Ed’s mind was completely blank, not understanding what his superior’s words meant. Mustang seemed to catch on his bewilderment and took on the expression of a long-suffering teacher having to explain some incredibly easy stuff to an incredibly dense pupil.

“Fullmetal, don’t make me think you’re more naive than you look! You’re too old to believe in Santa Claus and yet you look like you just saw his fake beard drop. Perfection is like Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy: it doesn’t exist!”

Roy wasn’t making any sense and the persisting blank on Ed’s face showed it clearly. The older man rolled his eyes skyward and sighed heavily.

“Edward... I am a handsome man; I am wealthy, highly intelligent and well-bred. I am also an awesome fighter, skilled alchemist and powerful officer. How could you think I would be good in bed on top of that? There has to be a balance somewhere.”

The teenager was understandably startled, all the more because that made an awful lot of sense. But still...

“...but you’re always chased by women?”

“I repeat: handsome, wealthy, well-bred and powerful. There is more than enough here for any woman to chase me as far as the end of the world. Sex isn’t much compared with all that.”

Ed would have liked to stay in blissful denial, but the facts were there. The smug bastard was awful in bed. He would have to learn to live with this earth-shattering knowledge. It shouldn’t surprise him anyway that the experiment had gone so bad. He had obviously expected too much. The older Elric was famous for doing all things thunderously. When he succeeded, it was done with flourish, but when he failed, it was always without precedent.

This time, however, he wouldn’t permit himself to think it was the worst sex ever. It probably was, but at least he came this time and he had learned that it was unwise to challenge the “Powers of Worse”. Anyway, there had to be someone out there with whom he would be able to have less than horrifying sex. Hopefully...

Afterwords: Someone has to be mean with Roy once in a while. Come on nobody’s that perfect, that has to hide something.