Addison forces herself to drink the glass of scotch, gagging as it burns her throat. If she just keeps drinking then sooner or later she will fall asleep and none of this will be able to touch her. She wonders why losing Naomi seems to hurt so much more than losing Noah. She wonders why either of them could hurt her at all, after all she is the one who pushed them both away in the first place.

Addison pours herself another drink,. If she just keeps drinking maybe she will find the answers. If she just keeps drinking then maybe she will stop caring about the answers.

And so Addison sits pathetically on her living room floor, drinking and looking back over her life, wondering if she ever had a life of her own. Her entire existence has been living on the fringe of other people’s lives, other people’s families. She spent her professional life putting other people back together, putting other peoples families together.

Addison couldn’t even keep her one little marriage to Derek in tact, he had wasted no time choosing Meredith. And Addison couldn’t say she blamed him. What did she really have to offer? She couldn’t even give him children.

Then Addison had come here, to this new town, this new life. But it wasn’t her life. It was Sam and Naomi’s life, Sam and Naomi’s practice. Addison had taken over Naomi’s place in the practice, and driven Naomi out. And still, Addison hadn’t found a place she belonged.

Then there was Noah. A man with a wife and a child. A man who already had a family, and once again Addison on the outside knowing she would never really belong to him. It was the story of her life, she belonged nowhere, and always ended up alone.

Sure she had money, sure she was a brilliant surgeon. Sure she had the respect of her colleagues, and the glory of the hundreds of lives she had saved along the way. But what meaning did that have? Addison is sick to her stomach of working so hard to fix other people’s lives while her own life swirls around her in tatters. In that moment she realises, Maybe she just doesn’t deserve to be happy?

Addison grips the empty glass in her hands, getting up to refill the glass would simply take too much effort, and so instead she contemplates throwing the glass at the wall. She picks it up, raising it high above her head, ready to throw it with all her strength, as if somehow this would make her feel better. But before she has the chance, the glass shatters in her hand.

Addison didn’t realise how tightly she was holding that glass until the moment it shatters. Suddenly pieces of glass are falling all around her, and she can feel the blood trickling down her arm. She brings her hand in front of her face to survey the damage. But everything is blurry because she has had far too much to drink. All she can see is that her hand is bleeding. And as a doctor her natural instinct is to stop the bleeding. As a surgeon she knows she needs to do something, because her hands are her livelihood, and she can tell from the amount of blood that the cuts are deep.

And yet staring down at her hand is somehow comforting. More than drinking, more than taking it out on Naomi, watching her hand bleeding like that somehow makes her feel better. It hurts. A lot. And that pain is somehow a relief. That pain in somehow meaningful. It somehow dulls the intensity of her emotional pain. And so Addison sits, cradling her injured hand, silent tears falling down her face.

It is then Addison hears the knocking at her door. She surveys the scene, herself pathetically sitting on the living room floor in a pool of blood and broken glass, drunk and crying. It isn’t a sight she needs for anyone else to see. And so she makes no sound, holding her breath, until the knocking stops and the person goes away.

But the knocking doesn’t stop, it only grows more insistent. And finally Addison hears Naomi’s voice “Addison, please, open the door.”

Addison is convinced she is dreaming, because why would Naomi come here, why now? Just what is wrong with that woman? For weeks she walked around as if Addison didn’t exist, as if she couldn’t be bothered to get involved with Addison’s problems, and now she won’t leave Addison alone. Not even when Addison slams the door in her face time and time again, not even when Addison smashes her head into a light post and then drives away. Naomi keeps coming back for more? Why would she do that?

Naomi is still talking through the door “I know you’re there Addison, I know you can hear me.”

And then Addison starts to panic. Had she locked the door when she came in? She couldn’t have Naomi see her like this. Not under any circumstances.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Addison. But fine. If you want me to go, I’ll go. But you know where to find me if you need me.” Naomi says is a sad, defeated tone. And Addison waits to hear the sound of retreating footsteps. Addison wonders why Naomi is the one here knocking at her door after everything Addison has done to push her away. Wonders why Naomi doesn’t sound angry as Addison pictured she would be. And Addison starts to realise that maybe she figured Naomi all wrong.

It takes every ounce of restraint Addison can muster to stay still and silent on that living room floor, not to call out to Naomi to come in. Just one word and Addison knows that Naomi would have come running. She doesn’t quite understand it after everything that’s happened, but in that moment she knows it with every fibre of her being. One word and Naomi would be here, pulling Addison into her arms and holding her tightly. Naomi would dry her tears and mop up the blood and somehow put everything back together again. And it is almost irresistible. But Addison reminds herself it is all an illusion. Naomi can’t fix this now. No one can.

It’s then Addison remembers that Naomi has a key. That is Naomi really wanted to come in she didn’t have to stand begging and pleading on the doorstep. And Addison sends her best friend a silent challenge ‘If you really want to come in Naomi, if you really want to be my friend again, then just come in.’

But Naomi doesn’t come in, and finally Addison hears the sound of footsteps retreating. And Addison closes her eyes, telling herself over and over again that she is relieved that Naomi is gone.