Chapter Quote:

"Mother my friends are no longer my friends
And the games we once played have no meaning
I've gone serious and shy and they can't figure why
So they've left me to my own daydreaming."
- Suzanne Vega

"Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!" Cartman cursed quietly to himself.

Another day of humiliation from his so-called friends. He kicked the snow out of the path as he made his way to the bus stop.

"Hey fatass" Kyle said, not even looking up.

Cartman paused, suddenly finding it hard to retort. Instead, he glanced at his friends, the back at the ground. He was the shortest of the group by about two inches, but probably 100 pounds heavier, much to his discontent. He no longer wore his cap, but he usually didn't bother to brush his mousy brown hair. He wore the same red jacket as always, but also ripped blue jeans and black and green sneakers.

"What- no Jew jokes today fatso?" Kyle laughed

Cartman sneered at the hurtful comment. He didn't get any sleep last night since his mom was having an awfully loud fivesome, so he was very tired and cranky.

"I'm not in the fucking mood Kahl" he mumbled.

Kenny pulled a Pop-Tart out of his old bookbag and started nibbling on it as the bus pulled up. Cartman was the last to get on.

Kyle and Stan sat together, no surprise there. Kenny sat with Bebe, since they were dating. Cartman, as it was, sat alone. Again.

He sighed, adjusting his backpack. He watched blankly as the other kids removed their coats, since it was hot on the bus. But he wouldn't dare. Cartman was the only 'fat' kid in South Park. This was a major source of insults for him, so he tried to keep his fat hidden as well as possible. If this meant wearing a heavy coat all day, than so be it.

Cartman pulled out his ipod and put it on shuffle. The song 'Disappear' by Silent Assassin came on first.

He really liked music. It was a way to escape from the real world. When the music was playing, Cartman was never 'the odd one out' or 'the weirdo with no friends'. He was able to leave behind his identity and let the music flow through him, slowly lifting his spirits.

Cartman closed his eyes and began to hum the music to himself. He felt as though he was hopping from world to world at the speed of light. About fifteen minutes later, someone shook him violently on the shoulder.

"AY!!!" He screamed, taken aback.

"Time to get up, fucktard" Stan said, rolling his eyes.

Cartman stretched his arms and shoved his ipod back into his pocket. He got up slowly and made his way to the front door of South Park High. Cartman heaved a heavy sigh before pushing it open.

And then came the whispers.

Cartman tried to make them out. He heard some about his weight, of course. But also about his mom, his voice, his clothes. However, there were none about how sad he'd become. There were none about the change in his personality. Why? Because he was Eric fucking Cartman, and no one cared.

He made his way through the crowds to get to his locker. After putting away his backpack, Cartman felt around in his pocket for a small canister. Bingo.

He proceeded to pull out a bottle of over the counter diet pills. Since he was twelve, Cartman had tried at multiple and fruitless attempts to lose weight. Unfortunately, none of them seemed to help at all. He popped a couple of pills in his mouth followed by a gulp of water.

Cartman put the pills in his back pocket so he could take them at lunch. It was his first time taking diet pills in school, and he was curious to what effect they would have on him.

"Hey Eric" Kenny said. Kenny and Butters were the only two people in school (besides the teachers) who called Cartman by his first name.

Cartman turned around in surprise to see Kenny standing right behind him

"Oh... um... hey Kenny" Cartman stuttered.

Kenny removed his sweatshirt to reveal a tight black and red band T-shirt.

"Why do always wear your coat inside, it's frickin' hot in here." Kenny wiped a bead of sweat from his brow.

Cartman was having trouble coming up with an excuse when the late bell rang. Thank god.

"Well, um, that's the bell. Bye Kenny!" Cartman started to run when Kenny grabbed him by the collar.

"Oh no you don't" he said "You've been acting weird lately and I need to know why. Stan and Kyle have noticed to."

So his friends had noticed.

"It's none of your business Kenny! Why do you even care!?!?" Cartman spat

Kenny shrugged. "I don't know, but I do. We all do. Even Kyle showed signs of caring"

"I doubt it" Cartman grumbled.

"Answer me! I'm not letting you go till you do" Kenny said firmly.

Cartman searched his mind for a halfway decent lie, but he couldn't think of any.

"I get cold easily" he said.

Kenny laughed. " With all that extra flab, you couldn't be cold in Antarctica"

"That's why" Cartman said quietly, on the verge of tears,

Kenny looked at Cartman quizzically. "Wait... what's why?"

Cartman sighed, turning away. "You are, Kenny. Along with every other insensitive douchbags on earth"

"... What does that have to do with a coat?" Kenny was still confused.

Then, all of the sudden, Kenny got it. A light went off in his head.

"Are you... Self conscious? About weight, maybe?" Kenny's voice softened.

Cartman spun back around, staring daggers. It was happening. His greatest fears were coming true.

"You just had to go there, didn't you" he laughed, tears streaming down his face.

Kenny just stared in aw.

"Yeah, that's right. The Eric Cartman has feelings!!!" He was crying and pulling at his hair.

Kenny bit his lip until he tasted blood. He couldn't help but feel bad. All these years of teasing Cartman, he had never once thought about his emotions. Cartman did the same thing to Kenny, but at least Kenny knew that being poor wasn't his fault. Cartman thought that everything wrong with his life was his fault. Even the absence of his father...

"Just go Kenny. Now." Cartman finally regained enough composer to speak.

But Kenny didn't budge. No matter how much he wanted to escape the awkward moment, something inside him said to stay put.

"Fuck" mumbled Kenny.

Cartman wiped a tear from his eye. "Why are you still hear?" He asked, slightly angry, slightly puzzled. It was obvious this had never happened before.

"Because, dude, your my friend. Even if we make fun of each other." Kenny smiled warmly.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I always saw you as my best friend Kenny. Or at least the closest I've got to one... but I doubt you see me the same way. So stop spitting bullshit and leave me alone. Please?"

Kenny paused, thinking about this. "Absolutely not." He said, placing his hand on Cartman's shoulder. Cartman recoiled at his touch.

"C'mon dude, homeroom's almost over. At least try to make it through first period. If you can't, we'll skip class. Just try though, ok?"

"Seriouslah... no fucking way. First period is gym, and that is the lastplace I want to be." Cartman tried to look angry, but his voice wavered and his eyes blinked back tears.