I was reading Hänsel und Gretel to my nephews. And was promptly tackled by this plot bunny.

(The fable and this story aren't at all related. I was just thinking how nice the 19th century was 'cause people could just dump their spoiled brats in the woods.)

Title: Cruel and Unusual

Fandom: Wizards of Waverly Place

Characters/Pairings: Justin/Alex

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Any episode with Professor Crumbs.

Summary: After screwing up big time, Alex is sent to summer school. In the wizarding world. ...in the 19th century. And yeah, okay, she's totally taking Justin with her.

Word Count: 1600

Notes: I'm always torturing Justin, so I figure maybe Alex should be afforded the same treatment. I'm an equal opportunity abuser.

*

Okay, look, Alex had always secretly suspected she'd be sent off to boarding school, or military school, or possibly prison, but this? This was just wrong.

"Daddy," she fussed. "You can't do this. Do you know what kind of conditions I'll be subjugageted to? I'll have to wear... well. That."

Harper beamed, decked out in full peasant garb. "I'm wearing this to show support, Alex!" She twirled once, fluffing up her tattered skirts, adding, "Look, authentic frilled front!"

In response, Alex urgently draped herself over Jerry. "No, Daddy, please."

Jerry wavered, locking eyes with Theresa.

Theresa hesitated, too, clearly itching to pounce on the nearest vulnerable child.

"First of all, Alex," Justin piped in with a smug smirk, dutifully patrolling the Sub Station for any loitering customers, "it's subjugated, and second..." he flipped the OPEN sign, effectively closing the shop, "...you'll need this."

A bottle of perfume landed in her hands. "What?"

Justin's lips twitched. "No body wash, no shampoo, no conditioner," he listed off, almost gleefully, ushering everyone toward the lair. "No makeup, no hair spray, no moisturizers..." he lectured, then easily swung the lair door open. "The French used perfume to disguise the terrible, terrible smell. So."

Alex flung herself at Theresa. "Mom. Mama."

Theresa made a small pitiful sound and swept Alex into her arms. "Oh, honey," she cried into Alex's hair, "you don't have to go, we'll think of something—"

A strong flash of light brightened the lair, and the portal came to life.

"I'm afraid she must go," Professor Crumbs said, stepping through the magical threshold. "We're still rebuilding our main campus."

Alex made a face. Okay, so she'd accidentally collapsed a couple Wiz Tech towers, big deal.

"And she did fail Spanish..." Jerry nodded, scrunching up his face.

Come on. Spanish was hard. If she were meant to speak Spanish, she would've been born in Spania. Or wherever it was they spoke Spanish.

"And she maxed out your credit cards," Max reminded, "and didn't even buy me anything cool." Off Jerry's glare, he backpedaled, "I mean, I'll miss you, Alex. Bring me back something!"

Alex chucked her wand at him. "How about the plague?"

"Ah. The portal shall be opening," Professor Crumbs interrupted, checking the tiny owl on his wrist, "in precisely four hoots. Hoots? That can't be right."

"Minutes," Justin supplied, surreptitiously dragging Alex closer to the barrier.

"And need I remind you, young lady," Professor Crumbs continued, fixing his eyes on Alex's disgruntled face, "this particular portal only opens once a month, so... please, try not to cause our emergency rescuers to have to break protocol. Again."

Alex planted her feet firmly into the carpet, resisting the pull. "Look," she pleaded, "we can, you know, avoid all this by not sending me off—"

"Nice try," Justin snorted, impatiently glancing at the nearest clock.

"Look on the bright side, Alex," Jerry offered enthusiastically, "you can use as much magic as you want!"

Both Professor Crumbs and Justin cleared their throats.

"In... in a structured, supervised manner," Jerry nodded hastily, then smushed Alex to his chest. "Oh, my little girl is growing up!"

Theresa piled on, wrapping her arms around both of them. "Be good, mi hija. This will help us... I mean—you." After a beat, she muttered, "I hope."

"I'm going to catch cholera and die," Alex mumbled into Jerry's shirt. "What part of that is going to teach me a lesson?"

With a heavy sigh, Justin extricated her from the tangled mess of parental affection, then spun her around to stare at the portal, probably counting down the seconds in his big stupid head.

Oh, well. Time to bring out her secret weapon.

She turned slowly, sniffling. "Justin. Won't you miss me? I mean," she stuck out her bottom lip, leveling tear-filled eyes with his, "I'll be gone a whole month."

Justin stared at her for a long moment, then turned to Jerry. "Can I have her stereo?"

"I want her wallpaper," Max agreed.

Harper raised a hand. "Dibs on the shoes!"

"It's time, Miss Russo," Professor Crumbs announced, and a brilliant blue glow spilled through the lair.

Alex took a moment to contemplate.

Fine. If they were going to be like that, she'd just have to improvise.

"...hey, let me hug my favorite brother one last time, okay?"

Surprised, Justin blinked, then stupidly opened his arms to her.

"Yeah, okay, great," she huffed, grabbed a hold of his shirt, then hauled him off across the threshold.

The portal closed behind them with a sharp swish.

*

"I'm going to kill you."

"Oh, relax," Alex yawned, leaning against an old well, arms crossed. "It's not that bad."

Justin scanned the looming woods, shivering. "They'll come get me. Just you watch. Any minute now..."

"You heard Crumbs," Alex kicked at a tiny pebble, smacking her lips. "Once a month."

Lightning-fast, Justin turned around with a menacing frown. "This was supposed to be YOUR punishment, Alex!" he ranted, gesturing wildly at the darkening woods. "You're the one that burned Wiz Tech to the ground, so why am I stuck here WITH YOU—"

"I didn't burn it to the ground," she defended with a pout. "Technically, there was still a couple floors left."

"Were," he corrected, frustrated. "There were still a couple floors left, Alex!"

"Look, Justin," she reasoned, "you know, like, fifty spells. I figured you'd come in handy."

"Five thousand spells, Alex," he growled, raising his arms to the heavens as if expecting reinforcements. When none came, he gave a resigned sigh and held out a hand. "Give me the instructions."

Alex perked up, digging through her pocket and producing a small crumpled note.

With an irritated puff, Justin scrutinized the note, his left eye twitching. "Your host family should've picked you... us... up by now."

As if on cue, on old woman broke through the trees, waddling down a beaten path. "Alex Russo!" she waved, hoisting up her skirts. "Here I am, Alex Russo! On time!"

Alex closed her mouth with effort. The woman was short and frumpy and wearing what Harper had been wearing. Only so much dirtier.

Alex took an involuntary step back.

So... no. Nope. This wasn't going to work for her.

"I'm outta here," she told Justin, but he promptly yanked her back.

"Hello, kind stranger," he started, equal parts polite and aggravated. "My name is—"

"—Alex Russo, I know," the old lady addressed Justin, clasping his hands in greeting. "We've been expectin' you." She glanced at Alex, eyeing her disdainfully. "My. I don't think you were allowed to bring a girlfriend with you, Alex."

Alex pried the old woman's fingers off Justin's. "No, hi. I'm Alex."

"And she's not my girlfriend," Justin deadpanned, then segued into a disgustingly ardent: "my girlfriend—Juliet—is amazing." His chin trembled, voice low and dejected. "But she's sort of a mummy's minion for the time being—"

Alex gagged, loudly, and pushed him out of the way to look down at the weird old lady. "Look, can we just go? I need to wash the..." she glanced about with loathing, "...nature off of me."

The old lady frowned, then gave a disinterested shrug, starting up the path. "You can wash in a fortnight, Alex Russo. First there's cleanin' that needs doin', dough that wants kneadin', and intimates that could do with a scrubbin'."

Alex froze in her tracks. "Justin. What language is she speaking?"

"The language of chores, Alex," he replied, pursing his lips and raising a self-satisfied eyebrow. "Oh, I should've brought my camera."

Alex lost all feeling in her limbs. "Magic," she breathed, "I can use magic, right?"

Justin gave her a smug grin, "Did you bring your wand?"

Alex paused.

"...kill me," she said. "You said you'd kill me. Do it. Do it now."

Justin patted her shoulder with false sympathy, then practically skipped away, throwing over his shoulder, "This is so much better!"

"Boy!" the old woman shouted from the dense clearing ahead, "there's also stables that need sweepin'!"

Justin blanched.

After a moment of shocked silence, he hurried after the old woman, yelping, "Wait, I'm not even supposed to be here!"

The old lady heaved a heavy sigh. "That's what they all say..."

Stifling a laugh with both hands, Alex padded after her brother.

Well. Maybe this whole punishment thing wouldn't be so bad—

"...wait," she called out, catching up to Justin and tugging on his sleeve. "What's a fortnight?"

Justin spared her a crestfallen glance. "Two weeks."

Alex paled.