Title: The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach (or Everyone Gets A Clue Except Kevin)

Summary: "Winnie the Pooh cupcake mix, Tennyson. Winnie the fucking Pooh." In which Ben takes up a new hobby and everyone gets a clue except Kevin.

Pairing(s): past Kevin/Gwen and Ben/Julie, Kevin/Ben

Rating: M (just to be safe, but it's mostly PG-13)

Warning(s): slash

Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing Man of Action's toys to play in my sandbox for a while.

Author's Notes: This is set a few months after the season 2 finale. Season 3 does not exist.

"The last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger-"

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Kevin?"

"Gwen? Hey, what's up?"

"... I want to break up."

"... Oh. Okay."

"Yeah."

"... Okay."

"Well, bye."

Kevin had definitely not been wallowing in despair when Ben comes bursting through the wall of his bedroom in Big Chill's form half an hour after Gwen's phone call, a DVD copy of the live-action Sumo Slammers movie in one hand and a box of Winnie the Pooh cupcake mix in the other. Not for the first time does Kevin question Ben's sanity. He usually leaves the younger boy's tastes alone, though.

"What's that?" he asks gruffly, eyeing the smiling piss-coloured bear on the box suspiciously.

Ben smiles and Kevin is instantly on guard. "We're making cupcakes."

"'We'?"

Ben pushes past him into the small hallway leading from his bedroom to the living room where the kitchenette is, setting the box down on the counter. "Yeah. I'm hungry and I like cupcakes."

"And you couldn't go to the store and buy some for yourself?"

"No, because with this, we can make as many as we want!" Ben adds, "And besides, they're not that hard to make."

"Because they're for kids, Tennyson. Idiot-proof." Oh, wait...

Ben ignores Kevin and starts taking out what few bowls, cups, and spoons he has in his possession from the cupboards. "Come on, Kevin, it'll be fun! We can sit down and watch Sumo Slammers when we're done and enjoy our accomplishment in the culinary arts."

"Winnie the Pooh cupcake mix, Tennyson. Winnie the fucking Pooh."

And not for the first time does Kevin wonder if Ben might be slightly retarded.

Contrary to Ben's earlier promise of making an unlimited amount of cupcakes, the back of the box said they only had enough cake mix to make twelve cupcakes. It lied.

They pour too much dough into the pan and end up making only six cupcakes but they're enormous so all is well in the world. And for a couple of guys who never baked in their lives before (Kevin knows he never did, at least. Ben, he's not so sure about, but he doesn't want to know.), they do a pretty good job.

But Kevin will never ever admit it so he just settles down on his squeaky vomit-coloured couch with Ben at his side and watches the Sumo Slammers movie for the fifth time and forgets about Gwen's phone call for the next hour and twenty-one minutes.

Ben visits him the normal way two days later, this time with bulky Loblaws grocery bags in his hands and a bright smile on his face that practically screams "I've got something sneaky planned and you're going to be a part of it whether you like it or not." Kevin just barely resists the urge to slam his door shut in the younger boy's face. Against his better judgment, he asks, "What do you want?"

"Cookies." Ben answers, as if that explains everything. "Wanna help me make them?" It's clearly not a question.

"No." But before Kevin can shut the door and lock it, Ben quickly slips by him like an eel, making a beeline for the kitchenette to set his crap down. "Tennyson," Kevin grits out, "I said no."

"Don't worry." But Kevin is. "The recipe says it only takes fifteen minutes. I'll be out of your hair before you know it." Oh hell, no. Ben is not actually setting up, is he?

Fuck, he is.

Kevin is torn between physically hauling Ben out-preferably through the window-and... nah, he's got nothing. But in the end, he just sighs and plops himself down on the squeaky couch, keeping his eyes locked on Ben. He is using his innate telepathic powers to tell Ben that he better not blow anything up or else.

Ben isn't getting the message.

He starts cracking eggs while humming a way too cheerful tune and Kevin comes to the horrific conclusion that he's doomed.

Half of the chocolate chip cookies turn out black, but the remaining half isn't so bad considering Ben accidentally left them in the oven too long when he got distracted by Brain Stealers From Outer Space II popping up on T.V. Instead, after turning off the damn smoke detector, Kevin takes what's left of Ben's cookies as payment.

It takes Ben five tries-all in Kevin's kitchenette, godammit, what's wrong with his parents' kitchen?-before he finally succeeds in making a batch of cookies that comes out completely unharmed, nothing burnt at all. Unfortunately, Kevin's kitchenette didn't come out nearly as unscathed as the admittedly delicious oatmeal cookies so he makes Ben clean up the mess while he gorges on the cookies.

Ben doesn't finish until nearly two hours later. Kevin knows he could've been done much earlier if he'd helped out, but, see, it's his home and if someone else who isn't him is going to make a mess, it's on that son of a bitch to clean it up.

That, and Kevin maybe kinda likes hanging out with Ben, crazy cooking adventures and all.

Kevin doesn't find out about Ben and Julie's break up until a week after it happened while they're in the middle of a fight. While he and Gwen still haven't really talked since their break up, they come to a silent, mutual agreement to not let that get in the way of alien business. Anyway, here's how it goes:

"Oh, Ben, my mom wants to send you a fruit basket." says Gwen.

"Uh, not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but why?" asks Ben.

"Because she wants to cheer you up since your horrific ordeal with Julie. Her words, not mine."

Kevin pauses from slugging a Forever Knight long enough to ask, "What horrific ordeal with Julie?"

Ben doesn't miss a beat as he says, "We broke up."

"... Wait, what?"

Ben rejoins the fray before Kevin can ask anymore questions, leaving him and Gwen behind. Great, just great. "Are you worried?" Gwen asks, just a little too nonchalantly for Kevin's comfort.

"What? No, 'course not! I just-when did this happen?"

"A week ago. They're both okay with it." Gwen blinks at him. Then, softer, she asks, "How are you?"

Kevin decides that if he was a normal person, he'd say something normal like "I miss you, please come back" but he doesn't because he's not a normal person. He simply shrugs. "Not bad."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, why?" That may have come out a little more defensive than he'd have liked.

Gwen gives him a a soft, sad smile that pierces straight through Kevin and into the dark depths of his screwed up soul. Kevin hates it. "I'm not sorry." she says. "Kevin, I still care about you. You're one of my best friends and I want to keep hanging out with you, but I don't want things to go back the way they were. They can't."

Kevin wants to protest why not but then Gwen stops him with a look and he thinks. He thinks about the time they spent together after the their battle with the DNAliens and High Breeds. He remembers the wonderful feeling of her tender hands against his callous ones, the way her kisses always leave his lips tingling slightly, and...

He remembers the first few days after she suddenly ends it all. He missed her so, so badly but it's been nearly a month since then and he's shocked when he realizes that he hasn't thought about Gwen at all in the past two weeks. He still can't get the feel of her arms around him out of his head but no, he wouldn't want to go back to that. It was great, but it wasn't... that wasn't it. He doesn't know what he wants but he knows that he could never marry Gwen. He's not cut out for that life and doesn't deserve her anyway, but strangely enough, he's fine with that.

Kevin shakes his head. "They can't, huh?"

Gwen's smile is beautiful and still makes his heart shudder but, yeah, he knows it's over. For good. Gwen gives him a quick kiss on the lips and lightly cuffs him on the back of his head. Before Kevin can ask her what was that all about, she says cryptically, "Now go find your happily ever after." She joins her cousin in the fight amidst alien slime bullets and lasers.

Kevin is at Ben's side in minutes and they kick major ass.

Apparently Ben thinks he's ready to level up from baking pastries to making sushi. This, Kevin decides, cannot end well.

He had nearly forgotten about Ben and Julie breaking up until Ben offhandedly mentions that he's going to make sushi next and is it okay if Julie comes over to help him out?

You want who to what?

She's really good at it.

Yeah, I figured, but-

Kevin, it's fine. Really.

And Kevin forces himself to believe Ben but makes a note to get a fire extinguisher for his apartment. Just in case. It's amazing that Ben hasn't burned down his apartment yet but it's probably only a matter of time.

It turns out Julie and Ben are... well, okay. Just like Gwen said. They laugh together, tease each other, and fling water at each other and Kevin (they'd somehow roped him into helping them with the combined powers of their puppy eyes, damn them).

Later, when Julie leaves with her share of sushi, Kevin pulls Ben aside. "Hey, what's up with you and Julie?"

Ben looks confused. "I told you. We broke up."

"But why? The two of you looked so sickeningly happy most of the time that I was beginning to wonder when you were gonna get her a ring."

Ben smiles and at that moment, he looks almost exactly like Gwen it's kinda scary.

"What Julie and I had," says Ben, "Was real. And it was amazing." he sighs, "But, you know, after a while, things just sorta... faded. I still like her and I know she still likes me, but it's just not the same. We can never go back to that no matter how hard we try."

And Kevin gets it, he really does.

He surprises Ben with a noogie as he steals a roll of sushi from the plate Julie left behind.

Ben signs up for Home Ec at the last minute when school starts again. Kevin finds out while he's at the auto shop he recently got hired at and when he does he bursts out laughing and gets some pretty weird stares from his fellow employees and customers.

"You're such a girl, Tennyson." he teases.

He can practically feel Ben glaring at him from the other line. "I am not! Cooking's a very useful and manly skill!"

"That's what take-out is for."

Ben harumphs and Kevin can just see him folding his arms. "Fine. See if I make anymore shortbread for you."

And that sends Kevin into a panic because oh hell no, not the shortbread. "Okay, okay, fine. I'm sorry. Cooking's a totally manly skill. Please don't not make shortbread anymore."

He's pretty sure Ben's smiling and the mental image does weird things to his stomach. "What do you want for dinner tonight?"

For the past couple of weeks, Ben's gotten confident enough to start cooking actual meals for Kevin. Why him, Kevin doesn't know, but he's not he kind of person to look a gift Vulpimancer in the mouth. And it makes him feel kinda special. He made a joke once about how Ben should just move in with him to cook for him forever but realized just how gay that sounded when Ben goes red like a tomato.

"The pay better be good." Ben murmured.

"Pay? Nah, I'll just chain you to the oven and never let you leave."

"Admit it. You can't live without my cooking." For some reason, the thought seemed to have made Ben ridiculously happy.

"No, you just save me a lot of money."

"Fuck you." Ben had cheerfully replied.

Anyway, Kevin thinks about what he wants for dinner. "Oh, oh! I want dumplings!"

Ben laughs and it's a nice sound and Kevin thinks that he could just sit there and listen to him forever. "Right, dumplings. Gotcha."

Gwen randomly appears at his apartment one day. She looks pissed.

"You're an idiot." she declares.

It's only eight and Kevin's still half asleep. "Um... "

Gwen goes on as if her words actually mean something to Kevin. "You couldn't find your own 'happily ever after' if it kicked you in the face."

"Gwen, did you seriously come all the way here just to tell me that?"

She pats him on the shoulder and shakes her head pityingly. "Idiot."

Gwen, Ben, and even Julie somehow convince Kevin to invite the other Plumber kids for dinner once. Julie had torrented the last season of Doctor Who, which was totally one of the best things to happen in the world, and burnt it on a disk. Not that Kevin minds having people over (except for Manny, but Ben threatened to withhold his banana mousse from him if he didn't play nice so he'll play nice for Ben... as long as Manny does, too) because besides Ben and Gwen, he's kind of a social hermit, but the point is, his apartment is tiny and cannot physically hold more than four together at a time.

They somehow make it work and squeeze everyone into the living room to chat while Ben and Julie bustle around the kitchenette making pie (once they figured out that Gwen, unlike her cousin, sucks at cooking and even set fire to a bowl of water that one time, Kevin banned her from his kitchentte).

Manny's tiny brain thinks this is hilarious. "Hah! Ben Tennyson cooking? You are such a girl."

"You're a girl, Manny."

"You wanna go, Levin?"

Helen and Pierce say "Manny." the same time Ben and Gwen say "Kevin." The looks on their faces are murderous. Alan, Cooper, and Julie apparently find this amusing because they're giggling.

"What?"

Kevin is secretly pleased when Ben gives him a slightly bigger piece of pie and Manny a much smaller one.

Ben had just gone to the bathroom and Kevin is cleaning up the kitchenette when Cooper comes up to him and says, "You know, I'm kinda surprised that you and Ben haven't moved in together yet."

"Yet?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, he's practically over here every day to cook for you."

From the other side of the admittedly small room, Gwen, Julie, and Helen shoot Kevin pointed looks. They're lost on him. "Because he's a freak who's got nothing else better to do." Kevin says and it's a mostly honest answer. Except, he doesn't think Ben is a freak. Well, not much.

Cooper rolls his eyes. "No, I mean... you know."

"Know what?" Kevin's starting to feel like he's been left out of some big joke.

Cooper's brows furrow. "Wait, you mean you're not-"

"Kevin!" Ben bursts out of nowhere looking slightly frantic and with an unnaturally wide smile on his face. He looks almost nervous. "You should do the dishes instead. The pan's a bitch to clean." He steers Kevin to the second sink where the dishes have piled up to an alarming height. Kevin misses the glares Ben shoots at a sheepish looking Cooper.

"You're an idiot." Gwen, Julie and Helen all sigh at the same time.

"What?" Kevin protests. He was sitting innocently in the food court at the mall enjoying his hot dog when the three girls suddenly jumped him. He's really starting to hate how everyone expects him to know something he doesn't and treats him like an idiot because of that.

They shake their head in unison as if they fucking rehearsed it and sigh again.

Kevin kinda wants to punch something. Hard.

It's not until Ben's seventeenth birthday party when, in layman's terms, the shit hits the fan. Except in a more quiet sort of way.

Kevin never gets carded when he buys booze, partly because he's good neighbours with the guy at the drugstore but mostly because he's got very noticeable muscles, so he takes it upon himself to be the booze-bringer that night. Ben's parents have gone to some hippie conference for the weekend, leaving the house to Ben.

Kevin realizes he maybe should've seen the disaster coming.

Ben doesn't scold him exactly, but the look he gets on his face when he catches sight of the alcohol tells Kevin he disapproves and for some reason, that depresses Kevin for about ten full minutes. But Ben brightens up considerably when he gives him his gift; a ridiculously rare and even more ridiculously priced Sumo Slammers bust. Kevin tells Ben half-seriously that he expects something amazing for his birthday but then his brain stops working when Ben gives him a smile. God, he needed a drink.

So he drinks.

And drinks.

And drinks.

Sometime after his fifth glass of Smirnoff, third shot of Bailey, and third and a half pint of beer, the more intelligent part of his brain briefly rears its head up and tells him, "You know, maybe mixing drinks wasn't such a good idea."

The buzzed part of his brain who's really enjoying the alcohol promptly tells the intelligent part to shut the fuck up and proceeds to kick its ass.

Now Kevin knows he can hold his liquor. He's usually pretty damn good at it, too. But the thing is... he hasn't actually had any alcohol in a while.

(Thanks, High Breeds.)

So yeah, he may have been a little sloshed when one of Julie's friends (it was originally just going to be him, Ben, Gwen, Julie, and the other Plumber kids, but they couldn't come so they invite Cash and JT instead and then word gets out that Ben's having a party and... yeah) sashayed towards him with an undeniable "hey, you're hot, I'm hot, let's have hot sex" smirk on her heavy make up laden face. And, well, Kevin's dick found it really hard to say no to that.

Ha. Hard. Kevin makes a note to go into comedy when all the aliens in the universe finally get a clue and stop trying to invade Earth.

Anyway, they go up to one of the guest bedrooms because even though Kevin's pretty much smashed by this point, he still knows better than to have a one-night stand in either Ben or his parents' room. That would just be really creepy and plain wrong.

Kevin doesn't really remember the sex but he knows it must've been good because the next thing he knows he's lying on the bed with his pants and boxers strewn on the floor somewhere, the duvet wrapped haphazardly around him, and the girl's lying flushed beside him, panting hard and wearing a big grin on her face. "Hmm," she hums as she kisses her way down from his chin to the bottom of his neck. "We should do that again sometime."

Kevin's about to fall asleep but he musters enough energy to say, "Maybe."

The girl gives him one last kiss before standing up, gets dressed, and opens the door.

And Ben's standing there looking confused at first but then he catches sight of Kevin and his eyes widen in comprehension. "Oh." he simply says. The girl smirks at him as if she just won the lottery and practically dances out the room, leaving Ben still standing at the doorway. "Um, I'll just... go then." Ben says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Kevin blinks and for just a second, he can see Ben's face so clearly that it almost hurts. He looks as if his heart's been shattered into a million pieces.

It makes Kevin feel as if someone someone just stabbed his heart with a screwdriver.

Then he passes out.

Kevin wakes up with a splitting headache the next morning and groans miserably. He blinks in confusion when someone randomly thrusts a cup of water and two Tylenols in front of his face. It's Ben. "Mornin'." Ben says, but his voice is kinda weird.

But Kevin doesn't really care because oh my god it's Tylenol, there is a God and he shoves the pills greedily into his mouth, swallowing it down with the water. "Ben," he says seriously. "I love you."

Ben flushes and looks away. "Yeah, I'm sure you do." he mutters. He suddenly stands up and doesn't look at Kevin, which hurts for some reason. "Uh, I gotta go back downstairs and finish cleaning up." Ben's chuckle almost seems forced.

Kevin feels guilty. "Do you need help?"

Ben shakes his head rapidly. "Nah, you should rest up." He still isn't looking at Kevin.

When Kevin leaves the house ten minutes later he can't help but wonder he's missing something really important.

Ben, Kevin decides a couple weeks later, is a jerk.

He hasn't come over to cook for him in a while and didn't even call. Well, yeah, Ben's got his own life, too, but this was their thing. Or at least Kevin thought it was. He isn't so sure anymore.

And, okay, fucking some random girl on the night of his birthday was probably the worst decision he ever made but Ben didn't actually say anything so it should all be good.

Except, it's not, because he's been feeling like shit since the party and he actually had to order take-out for the first time in months. Pizza never tasted so bad in his life.

Stupid Ben.

The minute he opens the door, Gwen slaps him. Crap, her eyes are in the glowy I'm-gonna-fuck-your-shit-up stage. "Kevin," she says slowly. "You are the biggest, most insensitive idiot in the world!"

"Yeah, um, can you please stop calling me that?" Kevin retorts.

"Did it ever occur to you why Ben, who is probably the most powerful being on this planet, spent all his free time these past few months making food for you?"

Well, when Gwen put it that way...

So Kevin thinks. He really thinks about it; how Ben went out of his way to keep his mind off Gwen those first two weeks after their break up, how he just kept coming over to cook for him even after he and Gwen made up, how he never asked for anything in return, and how sometimes he would catch Ben staring at him out of the corner of his eyes, his bright green eyes shining like stars as if nothing else in the world matters more to him than Kevin and he can't get enough of him-

Oh. Fuck.

"Oh. Fuck." Kevin kinda wants to bang his head against the wall for being an idiot but he still has some shred of dignity left.

Gwen folds her arms and sighs, "How my cousin fell in love with someone like you, I'll never know. And how you missed all those signs... " She sighs again.

Kevin totally isn't panicking. Okay, maybe a little, but he wants to defy anyone to not panic after finding out their ex-girlfriend's cousin is in love with them. "But... how?" is all Kevin manages. "He and Julie-"

"He broke up with her when he realized that he was in love with you." Kevin really wishes Gwen would stop using the word 'love'. It's like she's trying to give him a heart attack on purpose which, yeah, he can understand why, but still. "He thought it was a crush at first, but then he couldn't stop thinking about you and-"

Kevin really wishes Gwen would just stop talking. Period. "What the hell do I do?" He totally didn't just squeak.

Gwen fists her hand in his shirt and yanks him down so he gets an extra special close up of her I'm-gonna-fuck-your-shit-up-and-they're-never-going-to-find-your-body-ever-again eyes. "You, Kevin Ethan Levin, are going to march over to my cousin's house right now and fix this."

Kevin isn't quite sure how but he owes it to Ben at least so he obediently makes his way to the apartment's garage to his car.

He's on the street in five minutes and speeds towards Ben's house, the speedometer never dipping below 80.

He reaches Ben's house in ten minutes out of the usual twenty it takes to get there and practically flies to the door and...

Crap, what the hell is he supposed to do now?

Still, he rings the doorbell and waits.

Ben opens the door a few seconds later and stares at him. "Kevin, what are you doing here?"

Without thinking, Kevin grabs his arms, slams him against the wall and begins kissing him furiously. Ben freezes but doesn't push him away so Kevin just keeps kissing like there's nothing else left in the world.

Finally, though, Ben seems to get a grip and pushes him away but Kevin doesn't let go. "Kevin," his voice is shaky. "What are you doing?" There's a hint of something dangerous in his voice like he's threatening to break and what Kevin says next is the only thing that might be able to save him.

"I..." Kevin licks his lips. "I... I'm sorry."

Ben narrows his eyes. "For what?" he asks slowly, his voice guarded.

"I'm an idiot." Kevin blurts out.

Ben quirks an eyebrow. "Go on."

"I'm an idiot who wouldn't find my own 'happily ever after' even if it kicked me in the face." Ben looks confused. "I... after Gwen dumped me, you were there. And then you stayed even though you didn't have to. For the longest time, I didn't know why," Kevin takes a deep breath before going on, "But now... I do." He stares at Ben and sees comprehension beginning to dawn in Ben's eyes and the younger boy blushes.

He simply says, "Oh."

"Yeah."

"So... you know."

"... Yeah."

"And you thought you'd kiss me because... " Ben's eyes are narrowed again but this time Kevin can see a slight crack in his shield. There's hope behind that crack.

"It wasn't an experiment if that's what you're thinking." Kevin quickly says.

Ben lets out a breath. "Then what is it to you?" he asks, his voice is soft and Kevin can feel him trembling.

Kevin has to think about it carefully because he won't get a do-over if he gets this wrong. He isn't gay, he thinks, but now he's not so sure anymore. He remembers how Ben constantly barreling into his apartment to borrow his oven stopped being an annoyance a long time ago and started being the highlight of his day. He remembers how Ben would stay over after he's finished cleaning up just to watch T.V., play video games, or talk about random stuff for hours even when he's got a test the next day.

And Kevin is suddenly terrified of losing all that.

This is what he wants, what he needs . This is different from Gwen. When he was with Gwen, he felt like he was on top of a mountain. But when he's with Ben, he feels like he's on top of the fucking world.

Kevin bends down until his forehead is resting on Ben's. "It's real."

Ben's smile is easily the hottest thing Kevin's ever seen in his life. Hands down.

~*~ Epilogue (of sorts) ~*~

"Okay, everyone owes Alan five dollars."

"Aw man!"

"Dammit, Levin! Why couldn't you guys have hooked up last month?"

"Because Kevin's an idiot, that's why, now give me my money, Manny."

"Why am I always the idiot and not Ben?"

"Oh no, Ben's an idiot, too. He was about as subtle as a flying mallet. You were just a bigger idiot for not noticing."

"Thanks, Julie. It's always nice to be called an idiot by your ex-girlfriend."

"Join the club."

"Well, you did deserve it."