|The Lesbian Killer Vampire confusion
Author: happierhere PM
“So YOU are telling me I have to go seduce a vampire that I can’t kill?” She pointed at her boss. “And YOU just sprayed me with BBQ-sauce to make me extra delicious?" She turned towards Ida. ---- WendyxTyler / OFCxOFC / WendyxMM friendship.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Wendy W. - Words: 7,486 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 11-28-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5542396
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Gotta Rent 'em all-Videostore
"Lesbian Killer Vampires?" Wendy cried out, temporarily forgetting where she was, when she heard her boss utter those peculiar words.
Her exclamation attracted a lot of attention in the store. Most looked at her a little amused. The mother of a young impressionable toddler quickly covered her child's ears, glaring angrily at Wendy. Wendy rolled her eyes, the kid was was completely entranced by the Pokémons dancing around on the DVD-cover he was holding and was very unlikely to suffer any trauma from hearing yet another adult curse.
Still, she tried to to cover her outburst, by grabbing a random DVD from the Romance-shelf and stating dramatically to her audience "Someone placed this R-rated movie on the wrong shelf. Don't worry. I'll fix it!".
She hurried towards the back of the building, where red curtains separated the men from the boys. She felt a bit uncomfortable there, in that testosterone laden room, but after a pointed glare at some sleazy guy, she soon found herself in the privacy she needed to continue her conversation with her boss.
"I thought you said all vampires were extinct?" She hissed into her watch.
"Yes. All regular heterosexual vampires are. Lesbian Killer Vampires are something else. Not entirely, more like a subspecies..." The little man in the watch patiently explained.
"Cool." It was. Vampires were just the holy grail of all super villains. What wouldn't she give to stake one!
"Glad you think so, Dubby. I need you to drive back home, pick out a couple of your more butchy outfits and come straight here for a debriefing."
"Butch-y?" She asked confused. And then she understood.
"You want me to be bait? Again?" Her last undercover stint had gone wrong. Very painfully injury inducing wrong. She winced at the memory.
"Now there, Wendy." Her boss tried to console her. "As I told you last time at the salsa bar: you are the only woman for the job."
She could give him that. No wig or make-up could make the Middleman an attractive woman. Unfortunately she knew that for a fact, as they had tried once. Again she shuddered at a memory. But she still had her doubts about this job.
"I give you my word. Next time our alien of supernatural foe of the week decides to hide in a line dancing bar or at the roller disco, I'll gladly volunteer.'
Roller disco? Wendy instantly got an image in her head of her boss on wheels, wearing a huge Afro wig. That was plain wrong.
Wrong like offering herself up to a blood sucking vampire... But the chance to meet a real breathing .. .ehr non-breathing vampire was just too great to pass up. So she quickly agreed.
"Don't worry, I'll be your virginal sacrifice."
She regretted those words instantly, hearing the unladylike snort coming through the communicator. Ida, just great.
But for once she didn't react with a sneer of her own. She needed to go home and get dressed, so she could get her Buffy on! She ended the transmission and started for her car, but then she remembered why she was in the videostore in the first place.
Lacey had asked her for a girls night in, after her flavor-of-the-month Fabio had dumped her. The ass wasn't worth crying over, but watching movies and eating ice-cream never hurt anyone. Usually they rented the typical rom-coms, so they could make fun of them. Wendy felt a small twinge of dissapointment when she realised she was going to miss Lacey's running commentary.
She checked what she had grabbed earlier. Sleepless in Seattle. A bit older, but still good for their purpose. On a whim she also took "Jenny goes postal", one of the adult movies she currently was surrounded with. The DVD looked like crap, but she hoped the movie would distract Lacey of her absence. With any luck, a hilarious, 69 points long pamphlet on how wrong and unfeminist renting a porn movie created by men had been, would be waiting for her in the morning.
37 minutes later
(20 minutes spent apologizing profusely to Lacey & 5 minutes spent raiding her wardrobe & travel time)
Dressed impeccably as usual, the Middleman was waiting for her at the entrance with a brown manila folder held tightly in his hands. He looked unusually tense.
"Promise me you'll be careful, Dubby." He implored her, before handing her the folder.
"The Organization Too Secret To Know just sent us this file. Two Jane Does found, both bled to death in an impersonal motel room." He explained with a sadness in his voice, no doubt thinking of the family and loved ones they had left behind.
Wendy winced when she saw the first picture. Death was never a pretty sight. The Middleman gestured that she should flip through rest. She did and the last picture was a blurry shot of a redheaded woman running through a hallway.
"The CCTV of the last hotel caught a glimpse of this woman, flying the scene. I think this is our Lesbian Killer Vampire." Wendy studied the picture carefully. It almost seemed like the woman was crying.
"So I dress up, go to Pink Breeze and start hitting on every redhead?" It seemed like a long-shot.
"Dress down, more likely." Ida's acidic comment came. The robot shaped like a middle-aged woman effortlessly lifted Wendy's bag from her shoulder, opened it and started rifling through it. She sighed.
"Don't you have anything useful? Like a wife-beater or a leather jacket?"
"Lacey doesn't approve of leather" the Middleman quietly murmured, but they didn't hear him.
Wendy had just recovered from her temporary shock and moved closer in an attempt to reclaim her bag. For her troubles, she received one of her own pink shirts in the face.
Counting to ten, she calmly removed the fabric from her sight and then all but screamed at the other woman:
"Get your filthy pawns out of my things."
Their boss sighed and, like so many times before, placed himself in the middle of the two arguing women, trying to placate them with his words.
"I know this won't be pleasant, Wendy. But neither of us have any experience with the dress code in a lesbian establishment."
"And the 13th cylon here has?"
"I'm plugged into the Internet, night and day, pumpkin. I know everything about everyone." Ida added viciously.
Wendy huffed. "Fine." And returned the bag to Ida's capable hands. She didn't stop pouting however. Ida just ignored her.
"We'll start from the sneakers you're wearing. They seem bi-curious enough."
Wendy lifted her right eyebrow at her boss, who just gestured to her to go along.
"You'd best wear your uniform pants. They're nice enough and comfortable if you need to make a break for it. And they make your ass look good."
If she'd meant the last comment as an insult, Ida was sorely mistaken. Wendy was oddly flattered.
"Are you wearing a white bra?" After Wendy's nod, the other woman trew her a plain white shirt.
"Roll up the sleeves. And loosen the first buttons. If Lesbian Killer Vampires are anything like Hormonally Charged Teenagers, they'll want to see some rack... Or at least some neck." The robot grinned. The other two just rolled their eyes.
Knowing that her gentlemanly boss would immediately look away, Wendy just stripped and started dressing. Seeing that Ida didn't follow the Middleman's example, but just kept staring, made Wendy suspicious.
"Are you taping this?" She accused, rather than asked. Hastily she threw the rest of her clothes on. "Because I swear to God, if one picture of me in my underwear finds its way to my-face-in-a-tube, I will fry your circuits"
Not that Wendy had any problems with her current underwear, filled with little Ninja Teenage Turtles, that Tyler had gotten for her in a sweet – non creepy – boyfriend way.
"You mean like that charming little video of your former boyfriend?" Ida taunted. Before Wendy could even react to that, their boss turned around slowly - checking everyone was decent first - and interrupted before thing could get even uglier.
"Ida. Does Wendy look adequatley sapphic?" His tactic worked. Wendy stared at him wondering who uses the word 'sapphic' and Ida scanned her handiwork.
"I'm bringing her a pair of your suspenders. That should do the trick."
She walked out of the room, but turned around at the door adding "Oh and honey, wear your glasses. It adds that certain Lesbian chic."
Wendy would never understand the other woman. Ever. So she just turned towards her boss and asked "So, the plan? I'm going in, seduce every redhead until I find one that wants to really sink her teeth into me. And then I stake her?"
The thought brought a smile to her face. And then she remembered something and promptly started rummaging in her bag.
"I even brought my own Karphatian wood." She pulled out little armless Noser, that the real Noser had given her after his final performance, as a thank you for keeping his secret. "We could use one of of his legs to make a stake!"
Sad to disapoint his trainée, the Middleman had no choice than to disagree with her.
"No need to further mutilate the faux Mister Noser. Lesbian Killer Vampires are impervious to stakes. I suppose it could hurt them, but it won't kill them. They're quite immortal."
"What?" Wendy shouted. How was she going to kick its butt, if it/she was immortal? But before she could put her frustration into words, Ida had reentered the room and sprayed her with something vile before handing her the suspenders.
"What?" She coughed. Luckily the smell soon dissapeared.
"Just a little Chanel O+, dear. To make you an even tastier bit tonight." Ida grinned, while making clacking sounds with her teeth to annoy her teammate even further. But Wendy was upset enough because of the news she had just heard.
"So YOU are telling me I have to go seduce a vampire that I can't kill?" She pointed at her boss. "And YOU just sprayed me with BBQ-sauce to make me extra delicious?" She swirled around to point at Ida and before turning back to her boss. "You WANT her to turn me into a Lesbian Love Puppet?"
Her boss slipped into his mentor-mode. "First. It's a Lesbian Killer Vampire. I thought I had already explained to you there was a difference. Second. The perfume is a prototype, produced for Regular Vampires. We don't even know if it works on Lesbian Killer Vampires. Last. Lesbian Killer Vampires can't turn humans. It's one of the reasons Vlad banned them."
"The other reason being that the Lesbian Killer Vamps weren't in the least interested in Vladdie's little stake." Ida interjected with a wink. Wendy's thoughts went there. Eww.
"Ida!" The Middleman chastised. "If you can't behave..."
The robot made a placating gesture with her hands. "Alright. I'm going."
"Where was I?" asked the Middleman, whilst his eyes followed the robot out of the room.
"Lesbian Killer Vampires got kicked out of Vladdies'team for not attributing for his night of blood." Wendy couldn't resist adding a scary voice and a bad Romanian accent.
"Yes. Lesbian Killer Vampires aren't turned. One in every 200 female vamps is a born-again Lesbian Killer Vamp. The random combination of genes that makes them lesbian, also makes them immortal."
"But also makes it impossible to 'procreate'." Wendy used her hands to make quotations marks.
"Exactly. So when the Middlemen of yore started fighting the vampire rise, the Lesbian Killer Vampires made a deal with O2S2K. They promised to stop drinking human blood, and we left them in peace to search for their true love."
"True love?" The sarcasm bleeded out of her words.
"Yes, Dubby. Vampires are actually monogamous, except for the occasional blood trysts. Accordingly to them, drinking the blood of your soul mate is a true orgasmic experience. Drinking the blood of humans..."
"Is just fast-food." Wendy added, filled with thoughts. "So I'm not in any danger of turning into a love slave?"
"No. She could still eat you out though."
The moment the words left his mouth, he clearly regretted them, flushing heavily. He tried to salvage the situation. "I mean, suck you dr..." A silent gosh darned passed his lips.
"Bleed me out." Wendy helped him out with a little smile. She surprised herself how little talking about a possible imminent dead fazed her these days. Must be the job, she thought.
"We do have a plan." The Middleman assured her. "When you think you have got the right redheaded woman hanging on your every word, you give me the signal. And then I shoot her with this." From seemingly nowhere he pulled a small crossbow, with a disproportionately large dart, filled with a purple liquid, attached to it.
"This should be enough to put down an elephant." He looked at it pensively. "Maybe even an unicorn."
"And then?" Wendy asked, not understanding the plan. "We just set her loose in the wild?"
"We bring her here for questioning and then we wait for the members of the Council to come and pick her up."
"The Council of Lesbian Killer Vampires?"
"They deal with their own, so we don't have to. Usually that is. I'm actually surprised that they haven't contacted O2S2K yet."
"So, this is just damage control? Getting her of the street before she kills again?"
"It's a tough job, but someone has to do it." And with those wise words he turned and directed himself to the Middlemobile, fully expecting Wendy to join him.
While she was struggling with putting her bosses suspenders on, Wendy thought that the one-liner her boss just uttered was lame. It was the kind of one-liner that prompted the dramatic removal or putting on of a pair of sunglasses. Thank God her boss wasn't usually that type of man!
2 hours later
The street before Experienz
"Real nice work, Dubby." the Middleman spoke sarcastically when his trainee slided back into the car, after she'd been forcibly removed from the second club she'd visited that night. So far they hadn't had any luck locating the Lesbian Killer Vampires. But Wendy did collect some phone numbers.
"I'm sorry, okay." She huffed, slightly annoyed that her boss took his frustrations for not being allowed to enter ("Sorry sir, girls only.") out on her. "That woman grabbed my ass." Who knew some women could be worse then drunken frat boys? And all that leather and posing... the first bar had been much nicer, a place she could see herself hang if she had been a lesbian. And the cocktails had been divine.
"That still doesn't excuse you from using one of Sensei Ping's techniques on an unsuspecting civilian. You could have seriously harmed that woman." He chided.
"It was only the Flying Knees of Serious Harm. She won't even feel it in the morning!" She countered. After all those moves had been invented for use against attacking men, not women.
"Well, at least now we're sure our Lesbian Killer Vamp wasn't in this bar. The sight of blood surely would have lured her out in the open."
"I didn't spill any blood!" Wendy defended herself. After her 'attacker' had doubled over in pain, the bouncer that had stopped the Middleman from entering, respectfully asked her to leave and she had complied.
"But I did. The second bouncer caught me spying through the back window." The Middleman shrugged.
"So, next bar?" Wendy didn't even comment on the fact that chiding her for using violence, while he himself had incapacitated a bouncer, was a bit hypocritical. Right now, she just wanted to get the night over with.
"Yes. Billy Bob's."
Wendy frowned. "That's not a gay bar. It's not even a bar that functions as a lesbian bar once every two weeks on a Thursday." Ida had printed them a detailled list.
"No, but it is the perfect place for two officers of the law to enjoy a tall chilled glass of milk." He looked Wendy in the eyes. "We both need to cool down before hitting the next bar."
5 minutes later
Billy Bob's Bar
The Middleman had already tossed back his first glass of milk and was ordering a second one at the bar, while Wendy was still nursing her root-beer in the corner booth they had chosen earlier.
"So." She asked when her boss returned, "How come the Lesbian Killer Vampires are called Killer Vampires, if they prefer making Love over War?"
He sat down and quenched his thirst before answering with a suggestive raised eyebrow: "Have you ever come between a lady and her lover?"
"Ah, say no more." It was after all how she and Lacey had met years ago. Her now best friend was dating some guy, who was clearly interested in her too. At some point Lacey ambushed her and had started a fight. There also was mud involved. But when they saw that her boyfriend was non too subtly taping the event (seriously why did she always meet weirdos like that?), they had turned on him and his camcorder. A few drinks later, their bond had formed and when Wendy needed a place to live, Lacey offered to share.
"And there is no way to kill them?" Wendy was still none to pleased playing live bait with just a tranquilizer as backup.
"Well, as members of the Vampire-family, they are also burned by sunlight. And I guess a swift decapitation works quite permanent too."
Wendy noticed that he was hesitating to continue and asked him: "And?"
"I'm not sure. There is a story I've read in a former Middleman's journal. He claims to have, and I quote "shagged a Lesbian Killer Vampire straight and then proceeded to stake her"."
Wendy rolled her eyes. "And you believe that load of chauvenistic bullshit?"
"I"m quite sure he'd love to have tried. Most of his journals were not suitable for young eyes. He eventually died helping a young succubus coping with her addiction." He added meaningfully.
"That's one way to go."
"It did give Roxy the incentive to start her reform-group." The Middleman defended his predecessor, but his heart wasn't in it.
"So, how come I have never heard of this Don Juan-Middleman?" Wendy asked.
Her boss let the silence between them grow before explainging: "Ida refuses to talk about him. I only know of his existence because I have found his journal."
Wendy got what he wasn't trying to say and her inner monologue went 'Eww' at the thought of the female robot engaging in extra curricular activities. This time an even more uncomfortable silence came over the two middlemen.
"So, my little grasshopper. Finish up that root-beer and it's back into the game for you." The Middleman tried to sound happy, but failed and he sagged a little in his seat.
But then he jumped straight back into a ramrod sitting position when he spotted a redheaded woman entering the bar.
"Jumpin' Jehosaphat Dubby! Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
She subtly turned her head and saw a long redheaded woman, with an uncanny resemblance to the woman in the CCTV-shot, staggering drunkenly towards the bar. With a lilt, she ordered a whiskey.
The Middleman and Wendy needed only to look at each other and nod, both knowing exactly what the other was thinking. They rose and approached the Vamp from opposite directions.
Wendy went for the obvious approach and chose the empty bar stool next to the other woman, trying to strike a sexual pose (and failing miserably). She then made it worse by asking: "So what's a pretty woman like you doing at a place like this?"
The looks of disbelieve on the vampire's face matched that of John's, the barkeeper. (He had had bought the place from Billy Bob several years ago but had never changed the name). Wendy grimaced. She couldn't believe that the corny line that just came out of her mouth. She needed alcohol to rinse the taste out!
"Really?" The redhead asked, whilst Wendy could only shrug apologetically in answer.
"Well, I hope they taught you how to shoot a gun better than they taught you to seduce, Middlebrat."
Before Wendy could respond, the other woman swirled around with superhuman speed, grabbed the crossbow from the Middleman and incapacitated him with a hard punch in the gut. She then threw the dart on the floor and crushed the glass under her boot, before sitting back down and signaled the barkeep that she still wanted her whiskey.
John wisely dropped off a glass and an entire bottle, deciding not to come between the woman and her preys. After all, the young woman had badmouthed his bar. Still, he kept both eyes on his newest guests, hoping he wouldn't need a reason to get his shotgun out.
Wendy reached out to help her fallen boss get up. Both were in awe of the other woman's fighting skills, but they weren't beaten just yet.
"Deadly Dragonhands?" Wendy whispered at the Middleman. He nodded and they both assumed the necessary positions.
The Lesbian Killer Vampire was not impressed. She turned around in her seat and waved her now empty glass at them.
"Thank you, Dynamic Duo, for sobering me up again. Do you even know how much I have to drink to get even the slightest buzz? You're buying the next 3 bottles for me!" She filled the glass again and downed it in one gulp. "You don't mind if I come in tomorrow for the follow-up interview?"
Confused, Wendy and the Middleman dropped their poses. "Wait just a darn dog minute." The Middleman spoke, clearly affronted. "You're coming with us into custody right now...Dubby!"
He chided his companion who had abondonned his side and slided back onto the bar-stool she had left just a minute before.
'What?" She shrugged. "We can't take her in, and she's clearly no threat unless we take that bottle away." She got two glares in response to that smart remark, but then realisation dawned for the vampire.
"You're here to take me in?" She asked.
With a dirty look at his partner, the Middleman responded: "That was our plan."
"So the council didn't inform you." She guessed, sighing. "Thank you, Dru," She murmured under her breath.
"Drusilla the Vengeful?" The Middleman asked, awed in spite of himself.
"Yeah. But she didn't get that charming little nickname until after I left her." She sighed again. "You'd think that after 300 years, she would have gotten over being dumped."
The Middleman took pity and sat down on the bar-stool on the other side of the depressed woman. John brought two more glasses and another bottle of whiskey.
"So. Why don't you tell us everything, Miss..." He asked after John had retreated again.
"Wilhelmina." She completed the question. "Wilhelmina from the lower countries. Mina for friends, Will for lovers." The last part was directed straightly at Wendy, with a wink. But her heart wasn't in the seductive mood and so the line had little effect. So Wendy respectfully ignored the failed pick-up line and motioned the other woman to continue.
"My partner and I came to this city a few days ago. We a... were together for 150 years last week. So we wanted to party. And Kate suggested a threesome." Mina's voice cracked.
"The first Jane Doe." Wendy guessed correctly.
Mina nodded. "I never even knew her name. We never asked, we just picked her up at a bar, offering money to join us." Tears started to fill her eyes.
"It was great, you know. But then I scratched her back with my fingernails. And... and." She swallowed loudly, trying to force the words out. "Kate just lost it. I tried to stop her. I swear!" She started rocking in her seat. "I don't get it. She never even tasted human blood. She was one of the last turned, right before you lot killed the last of Vlad's army. We found her and took her in... It's my fault. I should have known." She hid her face in her hands, not wanting to let them see her cry.
"And the second victim?" The Middleman probed. Mina just started sobbing.
"It's Kate, right?" Wendy asked, suddenly understanding. "You killed her before the council could sentence her."
The Vampire nodded her head. She used the palms of her hands to rub the tears of her face. After taking in a deep breath to calm herself, she explained. "She wanted me to. She even begged me. So we spent one last night together and then.. then." She couldn't force the words past her lips. But her audience of two got what she was trying to say. Buying her a little time, the Middleman poured whiskey into the three glasses.
"She taped a confession." Mina said instead of what she was trying to say. "I guess you'll want to see it." She brought forth her uMaster and fumbled with the buttons. Suddenly a blond woman, that they now knew was Kate, decked out in leather, appeared on the screen. With a very fake innocent look, she beckoned Mina, who was obviously taping the movie, closer. "Oh my, Buffy, what a big stake you've got."
Wendy almost chocked in the whiskey she had just taken a sip of. Getting your Buffy on indeed! Mina blushed and furiously started pressing buttons until the screens went black. "Wrong movie." She muttered and restarted her uMaster, this time carefully selecting the right one.
This time the blonde's face was much more serious. Tears stained her eyes, but she spoke with a steady voice. "My name is Catherine of the Baltic sea. And I killed an innocent human. I know what the sentence of the council will be. And I accept this judgement. But as my last wish..." Her voice stumbled a bit, and Mina's hand appeared on the screen, squeezing Catherine's hand. She smiled gratefully. "My last wish is that the love of my life, Wilhelmina, will fulfill my punishment." She gracefully let go of her lover's hand, and smiled in her direction, whispering a last I love you at her, before grabbing a knife and slitting her own troat.
Identical sobs could be heard, coming from both the woman on the screen and the woman in real life. The Middleman decided Mina had suffered enough and shut the uMaster down. He then offered her the use of a clean white handkerchief.
She accepted it and added in an impossibly small voice. "We also have an entry of the first fatal night. I really don't want to watch it now."
"You don't have to." Wendy's boss comforted her. "We will just copy those movies for our files."
Mina nodded and asked: "Can I keep the uMaster? All my pictures of Katie, of us, are on it."
"Yes. We'll go to our headquarters in the morning. Our tech Ida will download all the necessary information."
"Tomorrow?" Wendy asked.
"Yes, I do believe we owe Miss Mina a couple of drinks." After addressing his trainee, he turned towards the vampire again. She suddenly noticed a new filled glass in front of her and took advantage. "I am afraid we will have to stay with you until we hear from the council."
Mina shrugged and refilled her glass. "Whatever." But then she sniffed the air, looked pointedly at Wendy, before asking the Middleman: "Do you mind sending mini-you home?"
Wendy, who had just gone her second attempt of tasting the whiskey in front of her, was affronted: "Hey!"
"No offense. I love that the Middlemen finally gotten their act together and hired a woman. But you reek of blood." She smelled the air again, but this time she leaned over towards Wendy and came closer and closer, until Wendy could feel her ice cold breath on her neck. Then Mina moaned.
Wendy frantically hurried of her chair, whilst trying to uphold her cool exterior. Tripping over her own feet, she failed. She picked some non-existant lint of her shirt and calmly said. "Okay.". Silently she thanked the gods that her voice didn't squeak.
Mina laughed at the other woman's discomfort. Her boss just pretended nothing had happened and tossed her the keys to the Middlemobile. "You need to get home safe. I'm guessing we won't be in any condition to drive anyway. We'll walk."
Mina snorted. "Right of into the sunset."
The Middleman looked affronted. "Now there." He admonished. "I'm pretty sure Catherina wouldn't want you talking like that."
If looks could kill, he'd be a smouldering heap of ashes. Wendy suddenly reconsidered leaving her boss with a deadly Lesbian Killer Vampire. "Are you sure you want to stay here alone?" She asked again.
Instead of her boss, Mina answered. "He'll be fine… as long as he keeps his psycho-analyst crap to himself." Seeing that the other woman was still hesitating, she added sarcastically, raising her hand as if to swear: "I won't eat him. Humans are friends, not food."
"I'll be fine, Dubby. If she wanted to drink our blood, she'd done it by now." Mina nodded. Wendy relented and left.
Before she closed the door, she heard her boss proposing a toast to the beginning of a new friendship. Wendy rolled her eyes, and was pretty sure she could hear the eyeballs of Mina rolling as well. Even from that distance.
10 minutes later
In the Middlemobile on the way to the illegal sublet Wendy shares with her equally attractive roommate Lacey Thornfield.
Wendy drove home, taking advantages of her mastership of the car by programming several non-country radio stations into the main computer. He'd throw a hissy fit in the morning, but Wendy really wanted to show him that there was more in life than sultry voices and banjo riffs.
On arrival she caught Lacey before having put the porno on. They, off course, decided to watch the Lesbian Postal porn together. Within ten minutes they both were hiding their head behind pillows and fingers.
"And yet so educational." Wendy quipped. "Who knew our postal services offered so many … services."
Lacey used her pillow to smack Wendy for the bad pun. And then she realised she had lost her shield and she could see the tv again. She groaned.
"Just turn it off. I have no intention of watching Jenny filling any more positions."
Wendy complied. Lacey complained. "God. That was a terrible portrayal of lesbian women everywhere."
"Just how many lesbians do you know?"
Lacey thought for a while. "5, maybe 6, if you count Sofia's fling with Theresa. But I guess that doesn't really count."
"Sofia and Theresa? Where was I when all that was happening." Wendy was shocked.
"Wildly in love with Ben. Foolishly ignoring the rest of us."
Wendy groaned, remembering for the second time that day the prat that tried to videotape their breakup for a school assignment.
"Don't remind me."
Lacey smiled and offered, "Popcorn?"
Wendy made a quick recap of her day. She didn't get to ash a vampire. But she did get to drive the Middlemobile and she got to spend time with her best friend and eat popcorn. Some days are the best. Even if she was going to spend the next day in hell, dealing with a hung over boss.
The Lesbian Killer Vampire Epilogue
3 months later, during the most boring stake-out ever.
They had been following their suspect (an alien in an ill fitting bodysuit) for days now. The Castanarian was impersonating a little old granny, with a surprisingly full social calender. So far they had followed her (him? it?) to the swimming pool, ballroom classes, yoga sessions and nearly daily bingo games.
Wendy was slowly loosing her mind, sitting in car all day, with no action and no buts to kick. Worst of all, her boss didn't seem to care and just wanted to talk to her. She'd humored him at first, but after a few hours it was clear they didn't share any interests in music, film, books or art. And she wasn't bored enough yet to start talking about more personal things. He knew enough about her life anyway.
They'd tried a few games like I spy, but it seemed inappropriate when you were supposed to be keeping your eye on the suspect. So they sat in silence, staring at the old woman's body work out. The seconds crept by and felt more like days. Wendy was almost at the point that she'd ask her boss to recite the safety measures in case of a meteor-shower. Heck, she was bored enough to endure a lecture on the Hynerian mating rituals.
Just as she turned towards her boss, he broke the silence.
"How about some gossip?"
"Gos-sip?" Wendy fell over the word, as it seemed so foreign coming out of his mouth. Her boss, the most goody-two-shoed man she'd ever met, was asking for gossip?
"I usually don't engage in such frivolous conversations…" He let his sentence trail off.
Wendy then saw the look on his face. She'd recognise that expression on any person. She leaned forward and smirked: "Spill." The man had a juicy story and she wanted, no at this particular moment she really madly deeply needed, to hear something interesting.
"You know Helen of Troy?"
"The tattoo parlour on Fifth Street?" She saw the puzzled frown on his face. "Oh," she said disappointed, slumping back into her seat, "You actually mean the legendary steal-a-wife."
She eyed the community centre where Granny was currently stamping her bingo sheets. If only she'd come out and jaywalk! Then they had an excuse to grab her. She'd kick her ass for making her go through this history lesson!
"No I mean the very historical and even still alive and kicking once tragically kidnapped woman." He paused, "Well, I guess not really alive, more like undead. But that's just semantics, right?" He turned to Wendy for confirmation, but she was to preoccupied with the cogs turning in her head, trying to fit all the pieces together.
"Vampire?" She asked. The Middleman nodded.
"Actually…" he started. "A Lesbian Killer Vampire." They both finished together. Wendy was still shocked, and the Middleman looked ridiculously proud of himself for putting that face of shock on his apprentice.
"So you're telling me that the face that launched thousands of ships, filled to the brim with men that all lusted after her, belonged to a lesbian? That's just…"
She struggled for a word that would adequately describe the situation, "so typically male. Fighting over someone they could never have."
"Well, Paris did get to marry her. But I don't think he minded her relationship with Andromache that much. He had his own private army, if you get what I mean." He added with a wink.
"Andromache…" Wendy murmured. Her knowledge of ancient legends lurked in the back of her mind. She'd been forced by a fellow student once to watch Homers epic rebooted in a movie with Brad Pitt. She'd tragically fallen asleep before she could watch him die.
"Andromache, Hector's wife?" She asked uncertain, getting an approving nod. "Didn't he mind?"
"No, he had an affair with Patrocles."
Now she knew she'd gotten the story wrong in her head. "Wasn't he Greek?" she asked confused.
"Yes, and hitting a very rough patch in his relation with Achilles."
"Who then killed Hector." It made sense in a strange way. She never knew history was filled with so much drama.
"And he was killed in turn by Paris." The Middleman concluded, "Awful business, war."
"So, ancient Greek and Trojan Gay Vampires. They never taught us that in high school."
"Not vampires yet. That only happened after Ulysses struck a deal with the local mountain vampires. In return for their help, they could feast on the Trojan blood."
"So the Trojan horse?"
"One large coffin. Vampires go in, sun stays out."
"Wow." Wendy was dumbstruck.
"Off course, they won the war, but they created a larger problem for themselves. They could have foreseen that a large vampire tribal state would try their luck at power. They were good fighters too, attacking in the cover of night. The Isle of Crete lay destroyed in their path. It was only a matter of time before they conquered the rest of the Mediterranean, if it wasn't for the Egyptian Pharaoh …"
Abruptly he stopped as he felt, rather than saw the angry stare that Wendy was throwing his way.
"I take it you're not interested in military history?"
"Not exactly. But I do wonder how you got to be in possession of this knowledge."
Cocking an eyebrow in challenge, he remained silent, confident that his younger associate would figure it out for herself. So she went over the pieces of the puzzle again. Who would know more about an ancient Lesbian Killer Vampire. Roxy? Oh…
"Mina? Are you seeing Mina?" Not that she really cared what he got up to in his private time, but he'd been a real pain in the ass last time he'd gotten so drunk. She wasn't sure that a Single depressed Lesbian Killer Vampire would make the best kind of friend. But then she asked herself a more important question.
"Did Mina date Helen of Troy?" Because that would actually be impressive.
"No. Helen and Andromache are still together. Cute couple actually. Blonde and brunette, same height. Still sweet on each other. They're getting married in June." He shone of happiness for them.
Wendy was quiet for a while. Centuries together? She couldn't even imagine her first anniversary with Tyler. She almost panicked at the very idea of growing old and dull together. Then the meaning of her bosses words reached through her foggy mind.
"You met them?"
"Yes, they were in town, visiting Mina. Checking up on her actually, not that she needs it. She's doing great on her own, coping with being single again. We all went line-dancing together." He bragged, clearly having enjoyed the previous night.
Line-dancing vampires? That was the single most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard! But she kept quiet, not wanting to ruin the Middleman's mental image. But then an even more disturbing thought came to mind.
"You're not seeing… seeing her?"
He just stared at her, as if to say: Lesbian Killer Vampire remember? "She's a lovely woman and I'd love to help her on her way to happiness. But I'm not the one, nor do I have an interest in being the one, for her."
Because you already have one true love, Wendy thought. Even two if you want to get technical. But again she didn't voice her thoughts.
Luckily for her, Granny exited the recreational centre with her bingo winnings (a bottle of champagne and a pair of very dashing socks) and started very slowly on her walk home. Seeing as a vehicle driving at a snail's pace would attract too much unwanted attention, the Middleman motioned Wendy to exit the car and to follow on foot. She gladly accepted.
Another 3 months and yet another very timely aborted alien invasion scheme later
"I don't care what you say or order me to do, I am not playing bingo ever again!" Wendy got up from the table in a huff, and stomped her left foot in annoyance.
"It is of the utmost importance that we check if this strategy isn't used by others." Her boss explained calmly.
Wendy snorted. "I don't think anyone will try that again!"
"I have to agree with junior here." Ida chimed in, walking in with the post in her hands. "I don't think other species have the patience to decode homeland security communication letter by letter through bingo coordinates"
The last message: "NOW!" had taken two games to transmit. Luckily after hours of dull surveillances, Wendy had convinced Ida that she could join the games, seeing as her looks provided her with the most perfect alibi. The robot was set on winning the games (after all, why shouldn't she enjoy herself whilst working) and had run several statistical programs. Soon, she found out that the bingo-game was rigged, and that the senior citizens of the centre were neither senior, nor citizens… Another gazillion games later, they knew all of the aliens' plans, and they knew how to stop them.
The fight that had followed had been glorious. Ida had single handedly defeated all of the bingo participants, turning bingo stamps into lethal weapons, whilst the Middleman and his companion raced to the landing site to welcome the invaders with their blast guns.
Without any further words, the Middleman threw up his hands in surrender. "All right, I'll just do it alone. But don't blame me if we don't stop the next invasion of lilliputter aliens!"
For once, Ida and Wendy shared a conspiratorial look, both rolling their eyes at their bosses tenacity.
Ida launched a postcard his way. "Maybe this will cheer you up."
Truer words were never spoken. The minute Wendy's boss laid his eyes on the card, he smiled broadly. Wendy off course was curious and ripped the card right out of his hands. It was a card from Vegas, signed with: "Thanks for the tip. Vegas is perfect for us. M&M."
"So, who's it's from?" She tried to nonchalantly ask, acting as if she hadn't just showed the patience of a 3year old toddler with ADHD.
"His lesbian girlfriend off course." Ida teased. "Who else had he been spending all of his free time with."
The Middleman huffed. "She's not my girlfriend, as you well know. She's been seeing Mia now."
"Mia and Mina." Wendy tested out the couple's names. "That's kind of cute. Mia's another vamp?"
"No, she's a succubus. Roxy and I organised a blind date." He looked very proud of the fact and looked to them for approval. He got pure shock.
"You set up a vampire, who can't drink blood, with a succubus, who can't have sex? That's just…" Wendy struggled to find the words she needed. "Plain EVIL!"
He rolled his eyes. "Well no, succubi can't make love to ordinary humans, because they'd suck the life out of them. Lesbian Killer Vampires on the other hand…"
"Are already dead." Wendy finished the sentence. "That's taking safe sex to the next level!"
"That, and succubi can stand to loose a few pints of blood. And they're both very much lesbians. So Roxy and I thought they would make a match made in heaven."
"Hell, more like it." Ida snorted.
"Ohw." Wendy mewed, "Someone's jealous! I think it's great that those two have found each other." She walked over to her boss, and gave his shoulder a pat. "Good job boss." Then she added with a wink. "We should go out and celebrate with a drink."
"Great idea, Dubby!" He spoke, and got up to get his jacket. Turning back he added, "I know just the place."
Glad she had convinced her boss to leave work early, Wendy followed him out the door. Then realisation dawned.
Ida, who settled in for a nap, chuckled when she heard the words "I am NOT going to the senior citizen's hall for a drink of milk!" shouted in the hallway.
Just another day at the office.