Well well well, another charming little edition of Kung Fused.
Really I'm not sure whether I should be posting it or not. If you're
reading it, you're either one of my makeshift consultants (most of which
gave the affirmative), or I've decided to bite the bullet and go for it.
I'll never know if I did a good job unless I throw it on the site and find
out. Please don't hurt me.
Last note (to make you read it): I did not rely on the humor from the
original in this fic. I did the same thing as last time: Came up with a
silly, too original idea and threw it onto paper.
Once again, all authors and fics mentioned in here mean no disrespect. I
admire many of the works, especially those of Vivi.
This time there is a little more inane kung fu, stuck in at muchly the
wrong times (yes that word is made up). I tried. I decided I'd make one
more silly humor one, then try for plot and see what happened. The plot one
isn't as funny (IMO).
Anyway, I don't own any of the characters in this fic except myself.
Sorry about all the TV show based jokes in here, hopefully you won't know
all of them. I was out of ideas for the Kung Fu setup when I was done, and
the revision helped a bit. Anyway I promise to make up this one on the
next, which I am sure will give me far more ideas than this one.
So sit back, relax and enjoy a little kung fu goodness. Wataaaah.
(The scene is a very dark, black and red view of a forest, which hesitates
then hastily switches over to a city with the same theme)
Voice of Aku from Samurai Jack: MANY YEARS have passed since that fateful
day when a lone samu—what's that? (listening to someone whispering off-
screen) What? (whispering) WHAT?! Oh dear. Um… (whispering) I forgot…
(angry whispering) I don't give a rat's ass what YUJI thinks! He just told
me to do the speech! (angry whispering) NO, he didn't say WHICH speech!
(more angry whispering) Well, they sound the same! (rolled eyes and
whispering) He can go eat it. (sighing) Right then. Um… cue cards?
(The view is obscured by a white cue card)
Aku: Um… a little to the left…
(Half the view is in sight again)
Aku: Little more.
(Now we can see, but the rim of the white card is still in view on the
Aku: Perfect. Can I start now?
(The camera nods)
Aku: Good. Ahem:
MANY HOURS, EVEN A DAY has (pause) passed since that fateful day when
(pause) a… look, could you do that a bit faster?!
(camera nods again)
Aku: A HERO named Sonic the Hedgehog, defender of truth, master of all that
is blue and furry, jobless loser who picks up a few bucks by saving the
world every now and then!
(Scene flips to the center of a town where some almighty being is
threatening the destruction of the planet. Everyone is just walking by
Alien: I tell, you I can destroy all of you with the flick of this switch!
Girl: Like, no way, like, we all know that like, Sonic the like, hedgehog
will come and like, save us all before you can do like, anything!
Alien: Fine… you asked for it! (it closes up on him flicking the little
switch on a remote. Before the dramatic disaster music can play, the scene
flips back to Aku)
Aku: Battled a great evil known as Shadow, the hedgehog.
Shadow and Sonic ended their battle in a truce, after much violence,
swearing and fried eggs. Dr. Robotnik was… well, he ran off after Omochao
and attempted to eat him… anyway.
(Scene flips to footage of the movie Independence Day, you know which bit.
The alien appears, moving slowly into view from the bottom of the screen.
The cartoon looks out of place against the real-action footage.)
Alien: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(scene flips back to Aku)
Aku: Sonic and Shadow have not yet made amends, and Amy Rose is still
unconcscious from discovering that Dr. Robotnik ate all of his 88 children.
You know what? I can' t be arsed reading out any more of this bullshit. Why
don't they just read the damn fic and figure it out themselves?
(Nobody can come up with a better reason)
Aku: That's what I thought.
Eventually, Tengu2, our author realized that he had not yet made fun of all
kung fu movies and martial arts tv shows! Power Rangers, Jackie Chan,
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. So of course, a further confusing fic had
to be written!
So sit back, relax, and prepare for a mind numbing, humor-killing,
reputation-smashing part two of KUNG FUSED! (Bwa bwa bwaaaaaaaaaa!)
(Aku is hit in the head by an airborne T.A.B., his 'daughter' from How
Samurai Jack and I Saved Christmas)
Aku: Where the blue hell did you come from!
T.A.B.: I TRIED, DADDYYYYYYY!
Aku: Get your useless arse back out there and kill him! Do you want to go
back to the home?!
T.A.B. (shivering): N… no…
Aku: Good! You go ahead and KILL HIM, I'll catch up later… I'm gonna go
get some Mexican or something. Maybe a quesadilla.
T.A.B.: (smacks him over the head for mentioning Mexican and saying
something in Spanish at this delicate moment in time. Wait for it, it'll
KUNG FUSED 2
Part 1 of 3
A second work of absurd humor by Tengu2
(There is a hiphop beat playing in the background of a black screen, which
has faded in from complete silence. Suddenly the black is raised and
revealed to be a curtain. There is a crowd cheering, and Knuckles is on
stage with the Chaotix. The music from 'whole world' is playing)
Knuckles (singing): YEAH I'm afraid, like I'm scared as a dog, but I've got
a new song, and I want you all to sing alooooong…
(fast forward coz I don't know all the lyrics)
All: Cuz the whole, world, loves it when (et cetera)
Mighty: Player I rhyme, my focus is crime, (hum hum don't know words) I'm
slick with the slime.All my raps are gems that I mine, spit 'em, polish,
look how they shine… (obviously I haven't heard the song enough)
Charmy: Turn on the TV and everything is looking dismal…
(Sonic steps on stage all of a sudden, and without a backstage pass, the
fiend. The Chaotix are taken aback)
Knuckles: Hey, it's Sonic. Wassup, bro?
Sonic: Please, don't start that shit. That shit's old. It's old shit shit.
All but Sonic: Bleeeeehhh!
Sonic: I'm warning you guys…
All but Sonic: WASSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP?!???!!!
(Sonic side-kicks Mighty in the chest, sending him crashing through the
wall. He removes Victor's head with a karate-chop, shoves his fist through
Leon's stomach, and squashes Charmy under his foot)
Charmy (high, squeaky voice): Help me, heeelllp meeee!
(Knuckles is stunned as Sonic removes his fist from Leon's stomach, and his
foot from what remains of Charmy.)
Sonic: Hwaaaaaaa…. (says as he draws back into a kung fu-type ready stance)
Knuckles: Oh my god… you killed the Chaotix! You BAStard!
Sonic (croaky, badly dubbed kung fu voice): You have angered the gods of
tired parody cliché and so you must be punished.
Knuckles: Bring it on, beyatch!
Sonic: Wait, before we start, why isn't the crowd screaming in anguish and
running from the theatre? I'd think they're pretty traumatized… unless…
(turns to the crowd and starts raising his hands as in 'louder' or 'come
on' in the assumption that they're cheering for him)
Knuckles: Oh… (turns off the stereo. The applause stops, along with the
music. He pulls out a tape that reads "applause track" and another that
reads "Outkast". He kicks away the piece of black construction paper cut to
look like the top of a crowd.)
Sonic: Ready then?
Knuckles: Yeh, bitch!
(he throws the tapes at Sonic ninja-star style. They smack him across the
head, making him fall down.)
Knuckles: Damn, that was easy.
(Knuckles walks over to Sonic and puts his foot on his head)
Knuckles (as Aku): I have always dreamed about this day. (applies pressure)
Charmy: And you still are.
Knuckles: Charmy! You're… aw, man! Not again!
(Suddenly the scene shifts to Knuckles lying in bed, smiling and then
suddenly frowning. He swats around at the air. He's been dreaming the whole
Knuckles: Nooooo, Rouge, stop biting my nipples… What the hell am I saying,
keep at that… Nyeeehh (sounds like Cartman)… yesss, yeesss… ARRG! ARRG!
(He wakes up, screaming)
(the scene abruptly shifts in mid-scream to Knux sitting in the lounge,
eating breakfast. He is all hunched over and tense.)
Knuckles (he's starting to sound like Fing): I am getting a recurrent
In this nightmare, I like meat…
That's the problem.
In the nightmare, I like meat…
*BLOOD, BONE, GORE*
Bleed I say…
All work and no sleep make Zacharus go crazy…
(Knuckles groggily realizes he is actually eating the Meatloaf Crunch
cereal Eggman gave him for Hannakuh, and he has made a picture of a Blair
Witch stickman with the chunks)
Knuckles: Fuck, I've been online too long.
(there's a squeaky voice)
Voice: Oi… get your fat bowl of nasty meat-based cereal off of me!
Knux: I've been reading too much toire… (chuckles sardonically) My
meatloaf is talking to me. God of mercy. I'm going insane.
Voice: No! In that context, I should actually be considered to be the milk!
Knuckles: Sorry, I'm tired.
Voice (Brooklyn): Forged aboud it.
(Knux returns to his cereal. Long pause)
Voice: HEY! Wait a sec! You didn't listen to me! Get this bowl offa me,
Knuckles: I'm going insane… (cheery attitude) When I emerge from this pit
of madness which normally you only find Fing dwelling in, I'm going to
inform Orin that I know where she lives.
Voice: No! Just lift up the friggin cereal!
(Knuckles lifts up the friggin cereal. From it emerges Omochao, dressed in
a little white dress like those fairy things in the Godzilla movie)
Omochao (high, squeaky girl voice): Hell-oh!
Omochao: (he pulls out a stack of paper and reads from the top) Barbra
Streisand has found the triangle of Zenthar… wait, wrong script. (flipping
through the pages) Ahum. Eggman has… wait, no… Ah! Shadow! He wants a
rematch with Sonic, and the powers that be tell us that he's going to win!
Then he'll try to take over the world and lose four pounds! You must not
let him accomplish this, for he already looks bolemic beyond belief!
(there's a long pause)
Oh, and the world should not be run by a furry black rodent, and
Knux: You're right… I can't let a guy with a magnificently skinny figure
like that become a mere skin and bones! I must prepare! (not moving, just
stirring his cereal. Look, it's turning the milk chocolatey… wait, that
ain't chocolate. It's gravy.)
Omochao: That's the spirit.
Knuckles: No, THAT's the spirit (points nowhere.)
Knuckles (after swat-crushing Omochao under his bowl of meatloaf. There's
milk all over the table) There (pointing at Omochao's ghost).
Omochao: I know what you did last—
(Gets smacked through the window by Knux, who has had quite a lot of
experience beating the shit out of ghosts, as we should all know from the
Aquatic Mine. The window is broken)
Knux: So… you've been out a bit, I take it.
Window (deadpan voice): I was a car window in 'nam…
Knuckles: Really. Tell me more.
But I will not force you to listen to Knuckles' apartment window beguile us
with his stories of all the evil ghosts he had to put up with in the war…
(The scene flips to a soldier guy cowering in his car seat and screaming
while the window bravely fends off (keeps out) a ghost with a dental
Knux: No shit! Really…
HEY! Stop that! Ahum… anyway, we now fast forward to somewhere slightly
later in the film, when Sonic and Tails are having another heated argument…
damn newlyweds just can't get along.)
(Scene: Looks like Sonic's place. Probably is.)
Sonic: And I say, there were seventy-three original episodes! You just
Tails: If there were seventy-three, then why was one missing in my complete
first series set?! Seventy-two!
Amy: Breakfast is on! I made eggs!
(Sonic and Tails sourly storm their way toward the table. Sonic is tempted
to throw a piece of his breakfast at Tails)
(this goes on for about an hour. Tails is silent)
(He mumbles that it's seventy-two)
Amy: I don't understand what you two are arguing about. Obviously there
were seventy-two and a half, and the other half was only given out in the
complete REVISED first series set to make people buy it.
Amy: The one that came with the 'Honk if you've slept with Commander Riker'
bumper stickers, remember?
Sonic: Oooohhh yeaaah.
(There's a long silence of breakfast eating. Amy sidles up next to Sonic
slowly, bit by bit)
Amy: Um… do you like my—
Sonic: Don't you even start that shit again!
Amy: I'm just asking… (pauses) Wait. Is this about that chicken breast
Sonic: Umm… nooo… (closes his eyes and fantasizes about Lara Croft)
(There is another huge explosion outside, of course.)
Sonic: Not again! Can't a guy get any time to himself once in a while?
(Sonic and Tails rush outside after making sure Amy is securely tied up. In
the center of town, they find--)
Sonic: Shadowwww… not again!
(Shadow is again terrorizing the town, blowing up poultry and playing ding-
(Scene flips to the news station)
Reporter: It seems that somebody is going around ringing doorbells, and
then running away! How horrible! Here is an eyewitness victim.
(Scene cuts to a woman standing outside of her house, fretting beyond
Woman: I like, went to answer the door, and there was like, nobody there!
(scene abruptly flips back to reporter)
Reporter: AHHHHHHHHH! (returns to normal) Anyway, we'll give you more info
on the devious ding dong ditching ding dong dealers as they unfold (he is
hit in the head by an airborne piece of poultry meat).
(Scene flips back to Shadow)
Sonic: You terrorist! Why can't you leave this peaceful… vulnerable…
constantly under attack… town alone?!
Shadow: (says nothing. Gives an expectant, twist-mouth grin)
Sonic: (sighs) Look, can we just do the kung fu bit and get this over with?
(Shadow nods eagerly)
(He puts out his arm and stops Sonic in mid-leap, making him fall to the
Tails: I want to fight him! And you forgot your lucky gloves!
Sonic: I the… I… wassah… um…
Tails: He's already down?!
Shadow: (frowns as if he is watching a pair of idiots)
Tails: Aw, man! Shadow's stronger than I thought! Maybe this wasn't such a
(He steps slowly toward Shadow and attempts to do a kick, which is easily
Tails: Oi! Leggo my leg- oh!
(he is flipped over and hits his head)
(he twists Tails' body around several times and picks him up upside down.
He ties the Tails around his neck and twists the arms and legs around his
back. Now he is wearing Tails like some sort of superhero outfit)
(Leaps into the air and tries to fly. Falls down and breaks his leg)
(Suddenly Shadow bursts—it was a balloon dummy the whole time. The pressure
knocks Tails a few feet away. He lands with his head on Sonic's crotch,
face first and dazed)
Sonic: WHAAAAT?! (he wakes up suddenly) Hey… where's the hooker! I was
about to get a freebie! No fair… I need a girlfriend.
Sonic: Not you.
Amy: (is silent for a bit. She sidles closer) Ahu-humm….
(A bit closer. Her hand moves over)
Sonic: Hey hey hey! Get your hands off my heinie! (Amy pulls out a bottle
of Heineken from behind Sonic, on the concrete bench.)
Sonic: Go away!
Amy: No, you have to marry me!
Sonic: And how will you make me do that?
Amy: Easy… I'll follow you and annoy you until you do!
Sonic: You have one slight disadvantage…
Amy: Which issss?
Sonic: We're not in THAT fic. (He bitchslaps her hard across the face. She
is knocked far, far, FAARRR away, nearly smacking into Eggman, who grumbles
about Sunday Soar-through-the-airers again. Anybody who can tell me the
name or author of that fic when Amy learns to teleport and annoys Sonic to
his death please tell me!)
(Suddenly a large building blows up. Sonic ducks and narrowly misses having
a piece of Fred's Premium Poultry Meats slap him across the head. A large,
wide figure appears in the flame and walks out)
Sonic: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Big the Cat: FWOGGGYYYYYY! (he sounds like El Gravadora from Angry Beavers)
(He jumps up and sumo-slams Tails. Knuckles appears out of nowhere yet
Knuckles: What's going on? Hey, it's Big the cat. What's happening?
(leaps in the way of Knuckles. A piece of bait hits him across the face in
slow motion. He squirms in anguish on the ground)
Knuckles: Okay… I'm not sure what sort of weird toire-inspired shit is
going on here, but from what I can gather, I'm supposed to fight Big,
Knuckles: Right then.
(He turns to Big, who is standing in a wrestling pose)
Knuckles: Wait… there's something different about him…
Sonic: What tipped you off?
Knuckles: Wait, I've seen this on TV… oh no!
Big: ¡Ha ha, sus habilidades escuchimizafas son no igual para mi! ¡Prepare
prara reunir el uno que hizo usted, ha ha!
Knuckles: Oh no!
Big: ¡Prepare para el olvido, echidna escuchimizado!
Knuckles: It's a Mexican Wrestler! Shit!
Big: Ha haaaa!
(he jumps and lands next to Knuckles, who attempts to punch him in the gut.
He connects, but his fist simply causes a groove in Big's fat, which traps
Big: ¡Ha ha, usted sabe mejor que desafiar los recreos de mi flubber, ha
Knuckles: Arrrg! I hate Mexican wrestlers…
(Flashback to Knuckles' childhood. He is in Mexico, holding his mother's
hand in a restaurant. Foreign languages are completely new to him. A waiter
comes up to him and smiles)
Waiter: Aprecia usted algun chocolate? (I don't know how to do all the
(The waiter smiles. Knuckles sucks his thumb and notices with fear that the
waiter has extremely bad teeth and odor, no offense to Mexico, where I used
to live near)
Knuckles: Umm… uuhh… ahh…!
(The waiter smiles wider)
(he runs out of the restaurant screaming like hell)
(Scene flips back to Knuckles standing in front of Big)
Knuckles (quivering): That was the most frightening day of my life…
Big: ¡El racista!
(Big leaps on top of Knuckles and we only see the dust and blood flying out
from the bottom of the frame. A moment later we see Knuckles twisting Big's
leg like wrestlers in cartoons)
Knuckles: Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?!?!
Big: ¡Urrrrrgh! ¡Los nudillos! ¡Los nudillos!
Los nudillos (Knuckles): Damn right!
Sonic (waking up): Ummhh… hey… wait! Aw man, it happened again!
Los Nudillos: Be that as it may, something slightly more important is going
Sonic: What, Big's gone nuts and terrorizing the populace again?
Knuckles: No, I just discovered a cure for illiteracy.
Sonic: Amazing! Tell me.
(There is a loud laugh on top of the building that just got blown up, but
is for some reason standing tall again)
Sonic: Look! It's--
(Camera zooms in on the frog on top of the building)
Sonic: Froggy! He must be controlling Big's mind! As always.
Knuckles: You and Tails go after him, I'll deal with El Gravadora here.
Sonic: No… Tails stays. This time it's personal.
Tails: Not again? (he's miraculously awake)
Sonic: You stay. Seriously.
Tails: All right. I'll just fantasize about Angela Jolie until you get
back. (lulls into a dreamlike state. He grins and starts shaking)
Sonic: Good. You do that.
(Sonic dashes over to the building and calls up to the frog a la A
Streetcar Named Desire. Not exactly Pop Culture, I know)
Sonic: Froooog! FROOOOG!
Frog: Riiiibbit. (Smiles evilly and laughs like some demonic… demon, before
Sonic: (sigh) I hate my life.
(He climbs up the building. About an hour later, he reaches the top, to
find the frog jumping to another building.)
Sonic: I hate my life… FROGGYYYYYYYY!
(he lets out a roar and leaps into the air. He runs along the air Crouching
Froggy: Riibbbit! (subtitle: Fuck me with a ten foot pole, I didn't see
that one coming!)
Sonic: I'll kill you!
(He chases after the frog, running through the air. The matrix theme plays.
Meanwhile Eggman is flying past, doing an air search for the baby
(Omochao), and notices Sonic running from rooftop to rooftop)
Eggman: I vow revenge on Rex Killiante… that bastard! He's invading our
world and uh.. (pushing random buttons. The eggmobile is transforming into
several giant forms, such as a spider, a snake, a balloon dog, a vibrator,
a 100-inch TV, and a massive ruler)
Eggman: I'm so sick of… yes! I'll use the… wait…
(Next sequence: It turns into a pikachu, a drum, a knife, Chaos, a pencil
sharpener, a huge fist, and a cheesy kung fu flick.)
Eggman: I know what I'll do… I'll get that Rex person with… um… It's the
baby! (he waves his arm everywhere as the eggmobile converts several times,
or tries to. It looks like a huge rubic's cube twisting around) Abort all
preliminary missions, fire the rockets, call the national guard! I'll get
(the eggmobile transforms into a giant brick)
Eggman: Ha ha! I'll squash him with… oh poo.
(the giant brick falls off screen. It is followed down the buildings until
we get to a roof top where Sonic is running over the top. There is a loud
crash down the bottom.)
Frog: Ribbbit. (subtitle: Can't… go… on… too… fat… been… hanging… around…
Big… too… much!)
Sonic: Toire tribute! (leaps into the air and smacks the fatass frog over
the head. It goes flying into the head of someone sitting on top of the
building, eating something. It spasms uncontrollably.)
Man: More fucking poultry?
Sonic: No, sorry, that was my frog. I'll just get that… (he goes over to
the frog and suddenly freezes with fear. Have you ever played the original
Resident Evil? The guy turns around like that first zombie eating the
person… For non-knowers, his head slowly turns around from a chomping
sound, his mouth covered in blood.)
Sonic: Whole-ee shit.
Man: You disturb my meal…
(Sonic is terrified when he recognizes the man)
Sonic: Wait… isn't that…!
We interrupt this fic to bring you a different part of the story.
(Far, far away, Heihachi from Tekken is laughing omnipotently over the
perfection of his latest plan, which should result in himself obtaining the
Master Emerald—of course.)
Heihachi: BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! BWA HA… HA…
OH, FUCK IT, I'M OUT OF BREATH! (takes a deep breath) MOO HOO HA HA HA HA
HAAAAA! MOO HOO HA… HA… HA… THIS IS BORING NOW.
(regains his composure)
HA HA HA! THIS IS MY MOST INGENIUS PLAN EVER! WHICH ISN'T SAYING MUCH, BUT
SHUT UP, I DIDN'T ASK YOU! I SHALL DRAW ALL OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST MARTIAL
ARTS MASTERS INTO ONE PLACE BY OPENING A KING OF PLASTIC FOOT TOURNEY, AND
THEN BEAT THEM TO WIN THE PRIZE OF THE MASTER EMERALD! HAR HAR HAR! AT
LEAST, THEY'LL THINK I'M GOING TO TRY AND WIN IT, BUT IN FACT I'M GOING TO
WIN IT IN THE TOURNEY, AND THEN STEAL IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AFTER
THE TOURNAMENT IS OVER! BU HA HA! THAT SHALL MAKE IT ALL THE MORE _EVIL_!!!
HO HO HA HA HAAAA!
Heihachi's advisor: But sir…
Heihachi: WHAT IS IT, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE WORM?! I DON'T LIKE YOUR
ATTITUDE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Heihachi's advisor: Don't you think it would have been easier to just sneak
up in the middle of the night and take it? I mean, Knuckles MIGHT have been
a problem, but-
Heihachi: ARE YOU CALLING ME INFERIOR? DO YOU NOT THINK THAT I AM ENOUGH OF
A MARTIAL ARTIST MASTERY BLACK BELT TYPE PERSON TO BEAT A PATHETIC ECHIDNA
AT ARM WRESTLING?
Heihachi's advisor: Well, yes sir, but—
Heihachi: WHAT?! ARE YOU CALLING ME INFERIOR?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! I COULD BEAT
YOU WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK, COME ON, I'LL GIVE YOU A THUMB
Heihachi's advisor: No sir, I mean that—
Heihachi: THEN STOP INSULTING ME, YOU PITIFUL LITTLE EXCUSE FOR A BOY BAND
MEMBER, WHICH IS SAYING A LOT, AND GET TO THE POINT!
Heihachi's advisor (sighing): But sir, although Knuckles may not prove a
problem, don't you think it would be just a teensy bit easier to sneak the
emerald away without all of the world's martial arts masters keeping their
sights on it too? It's surely much more difficult to steal or win. They
could beat you.
Heihachi: WHAT? YOU DARE TO UTTER THE WORDS 'THEY COULD BEAT ME… UM, YOU…
UM, WHATEVER? I DON'T MUCH LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE!
Heihachi's advisor: Tough shit.
HEIHACHI: WHAAAAT? SORRY, I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EAR.
Heihachi's advisor: I said, surely the other masters of Kung Fused and Chop
Suey and stuff are going to try and stop you?
(Heihachi considers it for a second)
Heihachi: EVEN IF YOU HAD A POINT, YOU BEEF-WITTED STRIPPING OF A MONKEY'S
PENILE REGION, IT WOULD BE TOO LATE. I HAVE ALREADY SENT OUT THE
Heihachi's advisor: I wish he'd just listen to me for once… I don't want to
resort to evil advisor clichés.
Heihachi: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU SMELLY LITTLE ANAL EXCRETION FROM BEYOND THE
PITS OF HADES?
Heihachi's advisor: Nothing, sir.
(Scene flips back to the reporter)
Reporter: It seems that several characters from the TV show Samurai Jack
fanfiction are making an appearance in the Kung Fused fic! Something must
be done, and is being done! Back to our show.
(the scene flips to Knuckles, who is riding on Big's shoulders while Big is
dealing with a small black mass of something. He is twisting it into
several balloon animal shapes: dog, giraffe, sheep, Bill Cosby, dragon,
snake. It has the face of Aku and is screaming in anguish.)
Big: ¡Ha ha, el Gato de Samurai no cae a victima a su ira! ¡Salgalo a
Sonico y regrese luego!
T.A.B., fic-writing daughter of Aku: ARRRGH! LET ME GO YOU FAT FUCK!
Big: ¡Como atrevaselo se refiere a mi como gordo, para tiene un problema de
glandula! ¡Véalo ciudadano posterior y malo de minion de Aku!
T.A.B. (who knows Spanish): 0_0; NOOOOOOOOO
Big: Hasta la vista bossy buzzy eh? Ha ha…
(As he is saying this, he has stuck his fingers in her nostrils and is
pulling her behind back to make a slingshot effect. He releases, sending
her flying through the air—back to the Aku intro scene. We all know what
happens from there)
Big: ¡Ha haaaaaa!
Los nudillos: Great job, Big! Now, let's go find Sonic.
Big: ¡El Sonico! ¡Presiento que él esta en el peligro magnifico de ataco
por un pedazo de queso! ¡Apuramos!
Los nudillos (in case you forgot, that's Knuckles in Spanish): No! What
Big: ¡Limburger! (That completely inane sentence was stuck in to see if
anybody here knows Spanish)
Knuckles: The smelliest of all! Let's go!
Big: ¡Siii! (cracks his knuckles and leaps high into the air, off frame)
Tails (shaking like mad with his hand on his crotch): Huh… who! Huh! Hey!
Where's Lara? Oh, fuck, I'm awake… wait for meeee!
(Flies off after Los Nudillos and Grande el Gato)
(scene flip: Sonic's company is eating a piece of sushi. He opens his mouth
to bite down. Before he does, the frame freezes, spins around him matrix-
style, then unfreezes. He bites and swallows. Sonic blinks)
Sonic: That was just pointless… Please excuse me for a second.
(Scene flips to Sonic in the office of an extremely fat, slobbering idiot
eating a hot dog over his laptop. Me. No I'm not really fat, or eating a
hot dog, or slobbering, or an idiot, but I sure would love to be. Imagine
how many people I could intimidate with my flubber… How fantastic and
different my life would be. To go beyond obese (scooowwwl rip) To be a man
whale. A fat person. Huge and hairy and (loud roar) Look at me! (rorRAARR)
I am teeth, I am fur, I am dribble! (scowl rip) I am the wolfman (crash
through wall on rocket) Homo wolfus! (howl))
(Come on… you have to know what I'm talking about!)
Sonic: I am quite sick of this actually. (I spit out the hot dog)
Me: Sonic. Uhh… what a surprise.
Sonic: Damn right it's a surprise… just like this fic! It's not even funny!
I mean the last one was bad, but this, this is just horrible! I mean, why,
a Matrix ripoff when someone is eating!
Me: Sorry… I've been reading too much toire…
Sonic: Will you guys just shut up and leave toire alone?
Sonic: For god's sake, man, you don't even KNOW Spanish! Obviously you're
just doing this as some sort of personal to impress girls into thinking you
Me: Why, of course not, I know much Spanish.
Sonic: Cerre el infierno arriba, usted bastardo de gordura. (shut the hell
up, you fat bastard.)
Me: (nods and laughs)
Sonic: Usted es muy feo, no? (you're very ugly, no?)
Me: (nods and chuckles again)
Sonic: (laughing) ¡Usted no sabe una palabra del español! (You don't know a
word of Spanish! Anyone who's seen Men in Black should know without the
Me: Ah! Enchilada de gato, usted José Old el Paso Taco Bell, eh?
(gibberish) See! Fun AND educational. Not so bad!
Sonic: You're an idiot.
Me: Viva Mussolini.
Sonic: That wasn't Spanish.
Me: Yo quero Taco mat!
Sonic: No, I'm speaking English now!
Me: El Zorro!
Sonic: ARRRRRRGGGGHH! (runs out screaming in annoyance. I'm laughing)
Me: Works every time. (I'm hit in the head by a piece of chicken meat) I
knew that was a bad idea.
(scene flips back to where Sonic was before. This time Shadow is sharing a
meal of sushi with the man…)
Man: I'm not sure I'm familiar with this 'malt liquor'.
Shadow (Daryl Chase imitating the other guy from Double Take): No malt
likka?! Whaddaya mean ye ain't got any malt likka?! Hey bitch! Ye ain't
representin'! Now get yo fat ass down to that supamarket and don't come
back till ya got some malt likka!
Man: Hmmm… oh look, our blue friend is back.
Shadow: Maaaayan, how come you keep disappearing like that?!
Sonic: Get away from that dude, man, he eats Soylent Green!
Shadow (almost worried): Umm… then what have WE got to worry about? We're
Sonic: … Oh yeah!
Man: (Standing up) Now, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like to get this
Sonic: Dude… I don't believe this…
(scene flip: Tails flying over the rooftops. He sees Shadow, Sonic, a mat
of sushi, and Samurai Jack on a rooftop. Jack is drawing his sword)
Tails: I spotted them…
Rouge (out of nowhere): Well, what should we do?
Tails (staring at her upper body, yum. Oops la la la you didn't hear me say
that la la la): I dunno, I guess we should fire the boobs, Aiya mean
(Rouge slaps him. He drools from her exaggerated bouncing, which I thought
we already had a stern talk with Yuji about)
Rouge: Tails, stop that.
Tails: Sorry. (his eyes move lower. Rouge gives up)
Rouge: What missiles?
Tails: The long, thick ones loaded into the twat, Ah shit, I mean torpedo
(Rouge slaps him again)
Tails: We ARE in a plane, after all.
(suddenly they are shown to be in the plane. We hadn't noticed.)
Rouge: Wait, where did this thing come from?
Tails: It's a movie. We can have whatever we want.
Rouge: Cool… so, let's say I wanted a cappuccino right about now?
(Suddenly a cup of tea appears in her hand)
Rouge: I could get used to this. (She sips it)
Tails: Um… yeah… look, could you push that button on the nipples, oops,
Rouge: Ummm… righhhhttt… (she pushes a red button. Suddenly two smart
missiles fire out of the torpedo tubes. They fly out toward the rooftop)
Tails: There they come, I mean go.
Rouge: I'll let that one slide.
(Tails' nose bleeds)
(Massive good scene. Imagine your favorite classical 'victory' type song as
the missile flies toward Sonic. I know which one I'm thinking but can't
think what it's called)
(Just before it hits him, Jack slashes it in half, idiot that he is. It
blows them out of the way and nearly off of the rooftop.)
Sonic: What in the name of Virgin Mary's tampons and birth control pills
(as he climbs back on, the music still playing, the second missile comes
flying at him.)
Sonic: Oh, cack!
(he leaps out of the way a la Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon—backwards flip
as it flies over his head. Its chaos drive power makes it fly all the way
around the world… to Earth (since we're apparently on Mobius). Please don't
kick my ass for this, fanfic.net!
(Scene: Oval Office.)
Bush: Now I am not gonna fire a $2 million dolla missle at a $10 tent and
(the missile suddenly flies through and he ducks it)
Bush: Now what the hell was that Colin Powell open fire on Afghaniland
we're gonna bomb the sh** out of them oh my they shouldnta done that--
(The missile flies on a straight course, into Afghanistan. Several INNOCENT
Muslims jumping out of the way. It flies across the country, through
several US and otherwise plane windows, and finally into the Al-Queda
bin Laden: Oh my, what a wonderful morning! I think I shall kill some
innocent children in the name of God!
(before he can set off to do so, the missile comes flying through as the
music reaches its finale.)
bin Laden: Oh dear.
(it crashes into his head… flip to outside when there is a huge atomic
explosion from the al-queda headquarters due to all the stupid radioactive
material in his base. This'll probably get me booted)
(Meanwhile, back on Mobius)
Sonic: Where the fuck are all those missiles coming from?!
Tails' voice: Sorryyyyy!
Jack: It's a bird!
Sonic: It's a plane!
Shadow: No, it's just a flying has-been…
(Rouge comes down and lands on the rooftop)
Rouge: Shadow! I'll kick your ass! (no particular reason)
Shadow: Look, it's a walking pair of breasts.
Rouge: Ooooh, you… you… cad!
Shadow: I'm shaking.
Rouge: You want a piece of me?!
Shadow: Do I get to choose?
Rouge: That was just… so… wrong.
(Knuckles and Big appear, bounding over the rooftops Crouching Tiger
Shadow: Aaaah! Totoro!
Rouge: No, that's Knuckles.
Shadow: I'm talking about the big, bounding mass of flubber.
Rouge: ???… oh… Oh! My god! It's enormously—
(several scene flips follow, so I don't have to type them. It's incredibly
lame, I couldn't think of a lot of things)
Health teacher: Fat! This is a product of the body that is made from excess
energy, or glucose. When one becomes largely overweight, it is known as—
Fat kid: Am not!
Bully: Yes you are (pushes him). Look at you. You're just a huge mass of—
(all the others duck out of a massive wave of whale fat that comes spilling
out of the… well, what else? Whale)
Whaler: You idiot, Herb! You're supposed to cut the top and work your way
down, not slash it straight through the—
Mom: Chub! Chub's on!
(Couple of kids come in, along with the dad. One of the kids takes an extra
Mom: You shouldn't take so much this time, son, you're starting to get—
Infomercial guy: Overweight? We can help! Come on down to La Hacienda
Gorda, where we can help you lose all that unwanted—
Thespian: Bulging mass of flesh! (He's yelling at another actor as part of
his role) Have you never considered the modern age? Look at you! Soon
enough you're going to need—
Fat man: Liposuction? Are you kidding?!
Skinny wife: Dear, look at yourself! You're becoming a—
(back to the rooftop)
Shadow: Big fat slob!
(he and Big are engaged in an intense battle. Knuckles is still on Big's
Big: ¡Ah, pero seria mas bien agradablemente rellenito que anarexic!
(He smashes his fist into the ground. Shadow dodges, and returns with a
flying bicycle kick that runs it's way up Big's flabdominals, past his
pectorolls, and into his face.)
Shadow: So you see, you cannot beat the ultimate life form!
Big: (can't think of a thing to say)
Shadow: Big AND stupid, huh?
Knuckles: And you're surprised?!
(Knuckles leaps off of Big and shakes his fist at Shadow)
Knuckles (stupid kung fu voice): I challenge you! I shall best you in
Mortal Kombat. Then we shall see who is the ultimate life form.
Shadow: Bring it on, you bitch-stealing bastard.
(they glare angrily)
Knuckles: We're just friends.
Shadow: Nah, I ain't fallin' for that one again. I read Kawaii Vivi too.
Knuckles: Ah, fuck. Why did you have to ruin it for me, Vivi, WHY?!
Shadow: Don't give me that crap… Through the darkness…
Shadow: To the light… (Knux and Sonic look at each other, then turn away in
Knux: I never heard a joke that was So Far Off.
Sonic: Why can't you two leave me out of this?!
Shadow: Oooh… you'll pay for that one.
Knuckles: Eye for an eye.
Shadow: No, it's not that. It's that we're trying to use different jokes
this time, and mentioning that work again qualifies as annoying driving of
a quip into the ground.
Knuckles: Fair enough… Hey, why am I listening to you?! You girl beating
Tails: On a side note: Come on, people, we're all waiting for a
Knuckles/Shadow fic. (God I hope not! Shut the fuck up Tails!)
(Knuckles uppercuts him. It looks like the bit with Wolverine in the bar on
X-Men. Suddenly a katana pressed against Knuckles' head)
Jack: Get out of here, freak. That is not natural. Aku's minion!
(Knuckles pauses for a moment, then spins around and uses his other hand to
slash the sword in half)
Jack (devastated): Ah… wha… what?! But this sword cannot be destroyed!
Knuckles: You're in OUR world now, bub.
Shadow: Welcome to my nightmare.
(Uses the distraction to smash Knuckles across the face. Knuckles falls
back in a Matrix tribute. Shadow places his hand on Knuckles' head)
Shadow: This time you haven't got Vivi's drama to save you… This is the end
of the road, Missster Knucklessss… (slowly, not hissing)
Knuckles: My name…. Is KNEO!
(Knuckles leaps up and jumps back as Shadow throws several DBZ energy balls
at him. He does Neo-dodging bullets—and gets hit in the knuts. Knuckles
falls down, grabbing his crotch)
Shadow: You deserved that. That's such an old joke.
Knuckles (helium voice): Urrg… shut the fuck up.
(Shadow goes Super, um, Hedgehog. King Cold, who just happens to be flying
King Cold: Mwhy, hello, is there a problem? There's always trouble when a
super saiyan's involved.
Shadow (sobbing): Yes… yes there is! That there is my wife, officer
(indicates Rouge) and… and… she exposed herself in front of me!
King Cold: Gasp! That's despicable!
Shadow: And… and then she did it again, in front of them! (indicates the
King Cold (advancing on Big): How dare you cheat on him, you… you… cad!
Shadow: Actually, that'd be HIS job (points at Sonic).
Sonic: Yeah, but you can go to jail for beating women.
(Big is staring at King Cold, who is making several psychotic rabid dog
faces to threaten him)
Big: Pienso que usted volviéndose loco… quizas usted necesita la atencion
médica? ¡Yo lo dirigiré al hospital! ¡Hasta la vista, hombre purpura!
(He grabs King Cold and breaks his back several times, folding him into a
ball before bouncing him like a basket ball. He then twists him into the
crude shape of a lure and hooks him on the fishing rod, then casts him
miles away. Several drooling fans appear and hang all over Big, who strikes
a macho pose. A cheesy green logo appears that reads "EL PESCADOR". The
scene flips to a Mexican wrestling commercial in which Big is making
several intimidating faces from behind a dominatrix mask)
Announcer: ¡Vea que EL PESCADOR golpea a su adversairo, EL COMBATIENTE DE
TIBURON, (there is a mean looking shot of a guy wearing an extremely shoddy
Shark costume and scowling) en la tierra muerto este Cinco de mayo! (Big is
wearing a piñata and dancing around a sombrero. There is another sign that
says CINCO DE MAYO CELEBRACION) ¡Es un masivo Cinco de mayo de puede la
celebracion como todos sus luchadores favoritos (shows a long lineup of
famous Mexican wrestlers, all large and hairy, scowling and scratching
themselves in various places) forman fila golpeo por El Pescador!
(there are several short shots of Big body-slamming wrestler after wrestler
in what are apparently different fights. On each one he makes the same
crack in the floor bigger and bigger. On the last one, however, the guy he
is supposed to body slam (who is turned away) takes a step forward to wave
to a fan, and Big misses. He falls crashing through the crack in the floor.
Announcer: ¡Ooh… por otro parte, quiza todos necesitan perder una vez en un
rato! ¡Sintonice este sabado para ver EL RHINO (there is a shot of the
Rhino from Spider Man standing in the middle of the ring and asking for
cheers with his gestures, which he is getting plenty of), la sensacion
Mexicana mas nueva de wrestling! ¡Viva EL RHINO!
Entire crowd: (very short and sharp) ¡Viva!
(the ad ends with Rhino engaging in a grapple with Crossbones from Capt.
(cuts back to the bit where everyone is on the rooftop. Big is lying on the
ground dazed, bleeding and with a large bump on his head, groaning loudly)
Sonic: What the fuck just happened?
Shadow: Well, from what I can see, a very strange advertisement for a
Mexican wrestling event.
Sonic: That's obvious, I mean what the hell happened to Big? Look at him,
he's bleeding his nuts out!
Big: No, no, preocupa no, para spayed. (Figure it out. For those who can't,
it says: No, no, worry not, for I am spayed.)
Sonic: Ohh. Okay.
Shadow: Hey you, Sonic! Let's fight!
Sonic: Them's fightin' words!
Shadow: You want a piece of me?!
Sonic: No, I want the whole thing! (shudders) I'm going to kill myself for
Rouge: Sonic, don't! Let me!
Sonic: No… there's a vendetta here that I want to settle once and for all.
Shadow: Me too..
Sonic goes Super, thanks for asking. They immediately ensue in another DBZ
Sonic: SOAP SHOES!
Shadow: STREET FLYERS!
Sonic: I tell you, (indicating his shoes) Soap Scorchers are better!
Shadow: And I say Street Flyers make more sense! (he powers up the rockets
on his shoes)
Sonic: You DO realize you can't beat me?
Shadow: Oh, and what makes you say that? Didn't you hear Omochao?
Sonic: Yeah, but I'm the hero. I always win. It's in the script.
(he pulls out a copy of the script and flips through)
Sonic: Let's see… Mexican wreslting… Soap shoes… (glares at Shadow, who in
turn glares back) Ah, here it is! "Sonic and Shadow fight… ooh, I've got
some really great lines here… and there it is, I win. It says right… wait…
what? (Pauses and runs his finger across the page) Hey…
(He turns to Shadow, who has a picture of the title screen. He has crossed
out Sonic in the title and puts Shadow in its place, but since hedgehogs
can't read, let alone write, it looks more like ß˙å∂ø∑)
Sonic: Hey! Stop that! (slaps Shadow's hand, making him drop the marker.
Shadow: You are too late! Look, I'm the hero!
Sonic: How so?
Shadow: Like this—(grabs a ring at the top of the screen and pulls down the
title screen pic) See? (points to where he's crossed out Sonic and put
ß˙å∂ø∑) I'm the hero now! Ha ha haaaa!
Sonic: That's not fair.
Shadow: Look, yes it is, it says right here in the script: (pulls out his
own copy) "Shadow crosses out Sonic's name and"… wait a second. We can't
read. So why are we bothering with the script?
Sonic: Well, what do we do then?
Shadow: Are you kidding?! It's a fight scene, we'll just ad-lib the bitch.
Sonic: I like your style.
(They engage in a DBZ style battle again.)
Sonic and Shadow (grunting not laughing) Hu hah huaha hauhahhuha hauhuhhu
huhuahhuhahauha h galgenfrist huha ha look it up uhrhfa hu where the hell
did that f come from ha hauh huh!
(Sonic throws an energy ball. Shadow dodges it and raises his foot
forcefully into Sonic's crotch, sending him up the wall and crashing down,
grabbing his nuts... Have you seen the movie Bad Taste, directed by Peter
Jackson (yes the LOTR guy)? No? Then go rent it or I'll BITE YOUR NUTS OFF!
Then you'll know what the nut-kick looked like)
Sonic: Urrrgh… his plan is working better than I thought… I just can't beat
Knuckles: Dude, Sonic, you're butt naked! It's quite obvious you don't have
Sonic: (feeling his crotch) Hey… well, fuck me, you're right. (he stands
up. Shadow is stunned.)
Shadow: And just how am I supposed to do that?!
Sonic: Dude, you are so wrong minded.
Rouge: No nuts?
Knuckles: Nope. No genitals, no nothing.
Rouge: Then, um how does he…
Knuckles: He doesn't. None of us do.
Rouge: I wouldn't pick that. That was a hell of a soap opera you put up.
Knuckles: (nose bleeding) Could we talk about this later?
(Just as Sonic is drawing a Matrix cow and Shadow is pulling out some eggs
(Chicken style, remember?), there is a loud, booming, and annoying voice)
Heihachi: HA HA HA! NOT BAD, NOT BAD! BUT YOU SHOULD SAVE YOUR STRENGTH,
YOU PITIFUL LITTLE PUS-OOZING HEMMORHOIDS, FOR YOU SHALL NEED IT WHEN YOU
Sonic: NOW what? It's Eggman, but old and skinny and more annoying… wait.
It's not Eggman at all.
(Heihachi is hovering above them in a helicopter, using a megaphone)
Heihachi: HERE—(he tosses them an envelope) AND YOU'D BETTER DO WHAT IT
SAYS OR I'LL _KILL_ YOU!
(He tosses them a small envelope… What could be in it?)
TO BE CONTINUED
What'll happen next? Not a story completely based on Kung Fu jokes, that's
for sure… in fact I've already got it planned.
See! Better than the last one, huh? I spent a lot more time on it. I'm
going to make up for the lack of good jokes in part two, SURVIVOYEUR. That
is if there is one—please say yes!
For translations of Big's phrases, visit www.freetranslation.com No
guarantee you'll get results every time… if all else fails email me and
I'll give you the ones you want.
No silly end jokes for you this time. Bubye.