|the on call chronicles
Author: ohwhatsherface PM
collab with the blanket! AU. Bastard-sensei was getting a "physical" from Dr. Haruno in the supply closet, Sai the Male Nurse was smiling like a creeper, Dr. Hatake was changing his female of choice by the hour and Dr. Nara, by the minute. I hate my job.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Naruto U. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,964 - Reviews: 173 - Favs: 255 - Follows: 191 - Updated: 04-03-10 - Published: 12-19-09 - id: 5593229
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
warning: A LOT OF INUNEDO.
note: we love Grey's Anatomy so much, so naturally… this happened. :D
Anyway, this is crack. CRACK. We know surgeons do real work, don't worry!
MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOWEVER, THIS WAS MADE TO PIMP OUT FRACTUREDTALES. GO CHECK IT OUT!
WELCOME TO HELL
Why am I writing this log again?
OK, no, can't remember. Let me think about it a little bit.
LET'S REWIND—what'd I do today?
So I woke up late, missed breakfast, got to work, walked to the vending machine today—the new one next to the resident's locker rooms, not the ones near the nurse's station with the old popcorn and the crappy sports drinks. I got some ramen—and oh yeah, I got pissed, because what the hell, why were there no udon-style spicy miso flavored noodles today? It's been freaking ages since I last had that—definitely since like, before stupid Shikamaru bought that new lock for his cubby and made it so I couldn't nab any during my break times. Bastard. Stingy much? It's not like he can't afford to treat me every now and then—he makes like, three times as much as me, and for the non-work related crap I do for him, he should be grateful that all I ask for is ramen. God, if baa-chan heard about some of the things he's asked me to—
OH YEAH. I REMEMBER NOW.
THIS IS ALL BAA-CHAN'S FAULT.
THE WHORE REPORT
Stupid baa-chan. The assignment she gave me yesterday is balls. Balls balls balls.
"Be a sponge," she tells me. "Record your observations," she tells me. "Be discreet," she tells me.
I CALL SHENANIGANS.
She swears it's to protect everyone from last month's catastrophe—thanks for giving half the nursing station the Syph, Patient Zero/KIBA; I'm sure they would've preferred some nice CHOCOLATE instead, but I'm sure this works also—and to make sure no one's doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel, or whatever, BUT I KNOW HER GAME.
I saw those orange paperbacks in the bottom left drawer of her office desk (when I was trying it out last week—P.S. SORRY FOR THE BROTH STAINS ON YOUR CASHMERE SWEATER. NEXT TIME, DON'T LEAVE IT HANGING IT ON THE BACK OF MY FUTURE CHAIR WHEN I'M EATING RAMEN, THANKS.)
I'M ONTO YOU BAA-CHAN—YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED "THE WHOLE TRUTH," THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING A PROFESSIONAL "FLOOR REPORT."
SO I'M COMBINING AND GIVING YOU A WHORE REPORT—I KNOW ERO-OJI's SERIES ISN'T DOING IT FOR YOU ANYMORE.
I KNOW YOU WANT THIS LOG FOR THE PORN.
And porn there shall be, naturally.
Really, is this a hospital or a brothel? Baa-chan, what the heck are you running? There are way too many people screwing around in this place – I may be a sponge but those are some fluids I'd rather not absorb. Ever.
For one, Bastard-sensei – oh, excuse me, Dr. Uchiha (the younger one) – for whatever reason, seems to be coming out of the on-call room and supply closets and storage rooms looking all rumpled and completely satisfied, and then a minute later, out comes the Nazi herself (Dr. Haruno) with her buttons mismatched and her hair like a bird's nest. Er, please don't tell Dr. Haruno I said that, actually. She is cruel. Seriously. I have a theory that she's the Devil in disguise, which is the only reason someone as monstrous as Bastard-sensei could be attracted to her since you know, he's asexual. Obviously there must be some magic at work, right? RIGHT? Right. Her cruelty.
So last week, Bastard-sensei was all "Uzumaki, get out of my face."
"Why?" I asked. I was innocent. Really. He pointed to Dr. Haruno, who was yapping off to Kiba and Gaara, and said that I was under her service today, and that Banshee (Dr. Yamanaka) was going under Dr. Nara (literally).
When I went over to Dr. Haruno, she was all, "Uzumaki, you're late," with the biggest smile. Kiba smirked at me so I knew something was wrong. You know what she did? She made me do rectal exams all morning. There is only so much inserting of fingers a doctor can do without feeling a bit like a rapist. Sigh.
But right. Sponge report.
Well Day Two consisted mainly of what I like to call the Shika Show, which is, essentially, the daily sadsadsad attempts of the women at Konoha General throwing themselves at Dr. Nara, the hospital's Resident Whore (literally). You know, I heard from Dr. Hatake that even Dr. Haruno had a fling with him when they were interns.
I was watching from the sidelines when Cardio Goddess (Dr. Sabaku—the one with boobs—as dubbed by Banshee, who hates her but really admires her, I'm sure) was performing a CABG with Dr. Nara and Banshee. Hey, do you see a pattern here? Bastard-sensei seems to take any opportunity he can get to ship us off to other residents. You should probably make note of that, baa-chan, when you're looking to fire someone. Clearly a certain doctor isn't exactly doing the teaching required of him at a teaching hospital. Am I right or am I right?
Anyway, CG was making small talk with Dr. Nara and it was sooooo obvious that Banshee was jealous, so then Banshee started subtly flirting with Dr. Nara. Then, jealous, CG began to quiz Banshee on some cardio stuff. It was funny. I know, I know – shame on me for taking pleasure in seeing my fellow intern be bashed to pieces for not knowing a few answers but…
Well, Ino's a bitch.
After the surgery, Harpy, (Karin from the Legal Department) came over, claiming she had stuff to discuss with Dr. Nara, because really, all doctors discuss legal matters in locked supply rooms.
I hate being a sponge.
THE NIPPLECRATIC OATH
I hope you thought about what I wrote last time, baa-chan. The economy doesn't look like it's going to perk up any time soon (unlike Shiho's new and improved chesticles—she by the way, is very aptly named if you know what I mean and I think you do; she's Shika-skank number three) and you're going to have to start thinking about letting some people go.
IT'S ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THIS HOSPITAL. I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP I SWEAR.
I am talking, of course, about BASTARD-SENSEI.
I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL. I CAME IN ALL PREPARED, NOTEPAD IN MY POCKET—I EVEN HAD MY OWN PEN THIS TIME SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO BORROW ANY OF THE BANSHEE'S ENDLESS STICKS OF EYELINER—BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED, READY TO LEARN FROM HIS ADMITTEDLY LARGE STORE OF KNOWLEDGE (because that ENORMOUS HEAD has to be good for SOMETHING, right?) AND WHAT DOES HE DO?
HE SHIPS ME OFF TO QUEEN HYUUGA AND THE HYUUGETTES.
No explanation, no anything—just "you're with Dr. Hyuuga today, get moving," before he zipped off into Dr. Haruno's office, reportedly because he was feeling "under the weather." He's probably under something right now, all right; off frolicking, getting his STAFF inflammation checked out if you know what I mean, and I—
Anyway, UGH. BACK TO MY RANT.
I MEAN, LOG.
Her Highness was in full-form when I got there, which mostly means that it was like, not even ten in the morning and one of the nurses was already near hysterical. She was crying like she was three minutes away from popping a Xanax, and when she saw me on her way out, her face got all red. I watched as she apologized after she almost ran into Gaara, who was coming out of the closet with TV remotes in hand.
When I asked Her Highness what happened, he (predictably) was all:
"You needn't concern yourself with such minor matters, and indeed, it would behoove you to attend to your own responsibilities, instead of worrying about those which belong to other people, Uzumaki. Rather, you should concentrate on the development of your surgical technique. Truly, your lack of foresight is remarkable for an intern who has so thoroughly…"
I TUNED HIM OUT SOON AFTER THAT. Instead, I observed everyone else in the room discreetly, LIKE A GOOD SPONGE. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION BAA-CHAN? REMEMBER THIS WHEN IT'S TIME TO DECIDE WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES.
While Queen Hyuuga was off ranting away, Head Hyuugette—Tenten of No Last Name—was in the corner playing with his ten-blade.
(AND, NO, THIS TIME—AND PROBABLY ONLY THIS TIME—I REALLY DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.)
She stopped when she saw me looking at her though, and went all shifty-eyed when I discreetly asked about why the scalpel was in her hand, as opposed to, I DON'T KNOW, in a surgeon's hands? Hospital regulations and COMMON SENSE—WHICH ANY GOOD CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF CHIEF OF SURGERY SHOULD HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF—expressly forbid taking any surgical instruments out of the O.R. (or even being in possession of them outside of the O.R.).
She's kind of a loose cannon, I think. Best to watch her.
ANYWAY, SHE WAS HARDLY THE MOST NOTE-WORTHY PERSON IN THE ROOM, QUEEN HYUUGA ASIDE.
No, that honor definitely goes to Sai the Male Nurse.
Sai the Male Nurse is like, Bastard-sensei's seventh cousin twice removed or something—and yes, more on other branches of that family tree later, I'm sure; Itachi the Slore is definitely going to pop up somewhere (probably between some lady's thighs). Before he became a nursing student, he dabbled in the arts—and by "dabbled," I mean HE DIPPED HIMSELF HEADFIRST INTO AN M.F.A. AND CAME OUT KIND OF BEDAZZLED, winkwink, I THINK (no real proof yet, but my instincts never lie)—and as a result, can't stand to walk around in the "plain" scrubs of resident nurses.
So, he goes and "modifies" his so that his stupid pasty abs are bare—says he can't "work" otherwise. And then, he goes and cuts the neckline of the shirt so that his man-nips are like, one tug away from revealing themselves to the universe.
I didn't understand why you let him get away with that, baa-chan, until I rifled through that file cabinet in my future office and saw his grades, and recommendations. Seems like Sai the Male Nurse got more than just his looks from the Uchiha clan.
Anyway, history lesson aside, it should be noted that Sai the Male Nurse has absolutely no concept of personal space. I mean, I just blinked and all of a sudden, he was in my bubble, just…staring.
Which of course, made it the perfect time for Queen Hyuuga to realize I wasn't listening to him anymore, and look over at the both of us. By that time, Tenten of No Last Name was flipping the scalpel again, apparently having decided that my subtle, discreet questioning wasn't enough of a reason for her to stop. He tossed his hair back (the exact way he did when he tried out for that Herbal Essence commercial, I'm sure) and glared at me in an attempt to be intimidating.
Bitch, please—I work with Snuffles McSnarly on a regular basis. Queen Hyuuga's death-glare could do with some tweaking (and not the good kind, either).
"Are you quite finished eyeing up my nurse, Uzumaki? I'd leave you two alone to practice enemas on each other, but I'm afraid the patient in the next room has been waiting for us for the past few minutes now. So if you and Sai could leave your whispered sweet nothings until break-time, I'd be much obliged."
And then, Sai the Male Nurse just…smiled at me. LIKE HE AGREED OR SOMETHING.
I don't care if Bastard-sensei threatens to cut my head off (again). I am never working Plastics again. EVER.
SPANKS IN THE CLOSET
So I'm back with Bastard-sensei. He seems all well-rested and…happy. Or as happy as he ever is, which basically means there's a scowl instead of an outright sneer on his face, and that he only called me "dead-last" twice this morning instead of the average eight times.
Clearly, Dr. Haruno was on point yesterday. Or, was on his point, anyway.
Anyway, we were sterilizing the tools for the next surgery—Bastard-sensei is anal-retentive and insists on doing this part himself—near one of Konoha General's well-abused on-call rooms, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we hear the "unmistakable" sound of spanking.
I put "unmistakable" in quotes because it's a word straight from the bastard's mouth. See, I thought that maybe it was just some textbooks falling out of that freak Kiba's locker (he hides his condoms behind them), or some custard plopping out of Chouji's usual over-stocked locker, or something innocent like that, but the second he heard it, Bastard-sensei's ears get all red and he starts blushing like a little girl.
"Someone," he said snottily—kind of a feat when you consider that he was blushing at the time—"is utilizing the on-call room in an inappropriate manner."
Ugh, was he trying to channel Queen Hyuuga? I realize that they are BFFs or whatever, and that really, if I were Dr. Haruno, I would be kind of concerned because the two of them hang out so much. But seriously, Bastard-sensei had the priss down pat—all he need was the hair.
Anyway, I played it cool.
I very politely asked him whether he was mad because that was his on-call room—with Dr. Haruno's—and if it bugged that the sweet sweet memory of their first time (in this hospital) was being replaced by the sound of kinked-up discipline, and repetitive "UNF, UNFs".
He snarled at me—baa-chan TAKE NOTE—and was about to punish me (with enemas, I bet) when, all of a sudden:
The look on Bastard-sensei's face after that one—half-horror, half-disgust—filled me with love and happiness.
He didn't even have time to glare at me while I was standing there laughing—just up and left.
Probably to have Dr. Haruno sterilize his equipment.
After Bastard-sensei left, I began to feel rather voyeuristic so I left and went to the ER. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, luck would be on my side and perhaps a massive cloud of fog would cover up the freeway and there would be this beautiful beautiful fifty car pile up but nay. As usual, luck was not on my side (how the hell else did I end up with Bastard-sensei as my resident?). There was, however, Dr. Hatake skanking it up with Dr. Mitarashi (K. General's trauma-inducing trauma surgeon—now she is a definite cut to make! THAT WOMAN TRIED TO MOLEST ME ON MY FIRST DAY OF WORK, DAMMIT. I SWEAR. IT WAS SEXUAL HARASSMENT FOR SURE!), which was funny because a few hours earlier, when Bastard-sensei was making me and the Banshee do rounds, I swear Dr. Hatake was doing the same with your assistant.
What is it with this hospital and breeding slutty doctors?
It's like it gets passed on. Dr. Hatake used to have Bastard-sensei, Dr. Haruno and the Resident Whore as his interns way back when. He probably tried to have Bastard-sensei carry on his skankiness but realized that he was a monogamous blob. Psh, pansy. Anyhow, instead, he trained Dr. Nara in the Ways of the Slut.
Who the heck are you hiring?!
Today I was drinking my coffee and staring at the on-call room door. It's become a bit of a guessing game, really. "Which doctors are going to come out this time?"
Unsurprisingly, it was Dr. Nara.
I didn't get to stick around and see who would come out five minutes later, trying to be all inconspicuous but failing because Dr. Haruno paged me. Apparently she was feeling a little "under the weather" (clearly she and Bastard-sensei are around each other too much—or should I say inside?) and this time, I believed it. The woman looked like she'd puke all over me (ew), but alas is flu season. Ugh. She was supposed to be doing something with Dr. Uchiha—as in Itachi the Slore—but she was going to let me scrub in and direct me mostly.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID IT NOT SOUND SO AWESOME? IT WAS THE PROMISE OF INDEPENDENCE AND AWESOMENESS AND UPING MY REPUTATION. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
BECAUSE DR. UCHIHA IS HEAD OF THE FREAKING GYNE SQUAD.
I guess it's not so bad, though. This guy gets paid to look at vaginas all day (and deliver babies and stuff but whatever). Before we could go do his surgery, whatever it was, he said he had to just do a quick ultrasound and that I had to come with him. Balls. The woman—that sick, sick, sick woman—had her son with her so Itachi the Slore gave him a lollipop.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?!
"Where's my lollipop?" she freaking purred, not-so-subtly eying Itachi the Slore's crotch and licking her lips. It was horrible.
Itachi the Slore told me to go check O.R. 2 (OH, THANK RAMEN) and make sure it was prepped so we could perform a freaking C-section. A C-section, baa-chan. THIS IS WHAT YOUR INTERNS ARE REDUCED TO. DO YOU NOT SEE THINGS WRONG WITH THIS?
And I didn't do much, either! Dr. Haruno ended up bailing on the surgery, leaving me with Itachi the Slore, who was too much of a control freak to let me get a commendable amount of blood on my hands. Now I see how he and Bastard-sensei are related. Tch.
The rest of the day went by lamely.
Nothing out of the ordinary, really, unless you consider Bastard-sensei and Dr. Haruno not going at it like bunnies in the on-call room for once "different". As usual, Queen Hyuuga and his loyal, psycho scrub nurse were giving people new faces, Sai the Male Nurse was smiling like an epic creeper, Dr. Hatake was changing his female of choice by the hour, and Dr. Nara, by the minute.
OR SO I THOUGHT.
There I was, minding my own business (er, except not), when out of the supply closet came Itachi the Slore. (Seriously, we might as well just heave a mattress in there and be done with it.)
Now, given his Slore status, I knew that he was indeed a Slut and a Whore, but I could not be prepared for what came next.
Luckily (for a change), I was able to wait until whoever he was secretly seeing came out in all her rumpled (or his, for all I know) rumpled glory since Bastard-sensei was poking away at someone's brain and Dr. Haruno was sick. Baa-chan, you won't believe this.
It was Konan.
AS IN, DR. PEIN'S ASSISTANT-SLASH-WIFE. YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO USED TO BE A DOCTOR BUT IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE BOARD.
I FEEL THAT AMONG ALL THE SKANKY, SLUTTY, WRONGWRONGWRONG RELATIONSHIPS GOING ON IN THIS HOSPITAL, THIS IS THE WORST.
TO BE CONTINUED? 8D