|the on call chronicles
Author: ohwhatsherface PM
collab with the blanket! AU. Bastard-sensei was getting a "physical" from Dr. Haruno in the supply closet, Sai the Male Nurse was smiling like a creeper, Dr. Hatake was changing his female of choice by the hour and Dr. Nara, by the minute. I hate my job.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Naruto U. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,964 - Reviews: 173 - Favs: 256 - Follows: 193 - Updated: 04-03-10 - Published: 12-19-09 - id: 5593229
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
title: the on call chronicles
author: OHWHATSHERBLANKET 8D
note: Thanks for all the reviews! We're sorry this took so long. We... yeah, we just really suck. SORRY.
warnings: implications of sex; cursing
disclaimer: do not own Naruto
ALSO, we're planning an interlude chapter at some point in the future with Sasuke, Neji, or Ino narrating. Please tell us your pick from those three in a review! :D
DAY SIX: ENTER "SLOG"
I am still reeling, Slog.
Yes, Baa-chan, I'm calling this a Slog. Why? Because "The Whore Report" is like its formal title and "Slut Blog" takes waaaay too long to write, honestly. I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.
Anyway, I'm still reeling, Slog. Itachi and Konan—or, if the rumors are to be believed, Konan and Itachi—are so just...
OK, let me put it this way:
Slog, in case you didn't know, Itachi sleeping with Konan—a.k.a the wife of the chairman of the board, Sir Psycho Pein himself—is the equivalent of sleeping with the Resident Slut in a public restroom after Anko's weekly Happy Hour Hoe-Down.
Without a condom.
Which, I guess, makes it any other regular weekend, really. (For Itachi, anyway)
Whatever. What will be will be—I'm sure that's not the last I've seen or heard about ItaKo.
In other news, I was assigned to Queen Hyuuga again today. It was—
It was maybe not as horrible as my last shift with him—probably because Sai the Male Nurse was apparently off earning his wings with Dr. Gai and his Merry Muppet, FabuLee (And if you're wondering why I'm calling him a muppet, then clearly you haven't had the, er, luxury of looking into his doll eyes).God I'd off myself if I had to be on that service today. Or any day—I couldn't handle it with those three.
But whatevz. Like I was saying—writing—today wasn't so bad. With Sai the Male Nurse gone, and the Head Hyuugette mostly preoccupied by that ever-present scalpel, there wasn't much to do. I guess superficiality has to take a break sometime, yes? So today was paperwork, which should have been fine. Totally BORING, but fine. How hard is it to do medical charts right?
WELL, SLOG, LET ME ANSWER MY QUESTION FOR YOU.
IT IS FUCKING HARDER THAN BASTARD-SENSEI DURING THE NAZI'S ANNUAL PHYSICALS WHEN YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO THEM IN CALLIGRAPHY.
In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprised. It's Queen Hyuuga, after all. Of course, he'd have all his reports done in fucking italic calligraphy, and of course, he was ready for my WTF-moment. He handed me a VHS—a step-by-step guide he narrated about the basics of holding a stylus (because of course it can't just be a pen) the right way—pointed me to the nearest VCR, and told me to get at it.
BAA-CHAN, THIS HAS TO GO AGAINST PROTOCOL—FOR MY SANITY IT HAS TO. WHO IN A HOSPITAL EVEN HAS TIME TO DECIPHER CALLIGRAPHY?!
HELLO, HALF THE REASON I BECAME A DOCTOR IS BECAUSE NO ONE EVER EXPECTS TO BE ABLE TO READ OUR HANDWRITING. AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU HAVE VIDAL OF THE SASSOONS HERE IN YOUR HOSPITAL HANDING OUT INSTRUCTIONAL TAPES.
I can't WORK like this, Baa-chan!
Anyway, in other news, Ino the Banshee doesn't know how to shut the hell up. Oh. Oh, wait. That's not really news, per se, since it's sort of like, common knowledge.
We were in the middle of preparing Bastard-sensei's cases for the day (hoping that he'd let one of us—namely me—help out in his epic cool neuro surgery) near the nurses station when that girl from the other day—the one Queen Hyuuga freaked the hell out—came to give us something and then squeaked and scurried away.
Anyway, Ino was all, "Oh, my gosh, Naruto, she totally likes you! OH, MY GOSH, YOU HAVE TO ASK HER OUT. LIKE NOW, NARUTO. NOW!" And I was like, "Um, how 'bout you do that for me and I get Bastard-sensei's epic cool neuro surgery instead?" You see, baachan, unlike a good majority of your surgeons—attendings, residents, and interns alike—who care more about getting off than getting their jobs done, I would rather perform some wicked awesome surgery than have to buy some chick dinner.
Banshee didn't seem to like my answer though. "Naruto!" she screeched (actually, for future reference, if I ever say 'Banshee said' I actually mean she shrieked. Or screeched. Anything that kills eardrums, really). "You should totally date her. Seriously. She looks like your type. Seriously."
Then I figured it out.
Stupid Banshee wanted me distracted so she could take my place in Bastard-sensei's surgeries.
WHAT A HOE BAG, RIGHT?
DAY SEVEN:TRAUMA, TRAUMA, TRAUMA
There are honestly some days when I wonder why I even come to work.
(Don't go trying to transfer me to derma, Baa-chan—this isn't an "I QUIT!" entry. Even if Derma DOES have better food up there, and they have like, individual massage chairs. And jumbo-sized lockers. And personal assistants who take all their notes for them.
And two-hour lunch breaks.
AND REAL RESIDENTS.
I was assigned to Bastard-sensei—or well, I was stuck with him. He didn't bother to ship me off to someone else, for once. We were "helping" to oversee the trauma center today, on top of his other cases, and I was expecting it to be just another day—i.e. I was expecting to be shunted off to Resident Whore or something.
But surprise, surprise—Bastard-sensei actually deigned to teach this time.
(I KNOW. I WAS LIKE, :O.)
He looked out of it though—even pastier than usual. He didn't even glare when I called him "Sassy," and he actually said "Uzumaki" when he called on me to answer a question during rounds.
Even more disturbing, he actually called on me to answer a question during rounds.
Slog, it must be serious. My money's on a kerfuffle with Dr. Haruno—it looks like even the bastard's vulnerable (LOL) to a sex draught.
But anyway, back to my trauma.
We were running out of bandages and all of the nurses on shift were either working on other cases or AWOL—even Half-Hyuugette (Hinata, was it?) with the uneven bob, who runs away every time someone decides to breathe in her general direction—so Bastard decides to send me to the closet to get more supplies.
So after I lob my notepad at his head, I go, because I am a Good Intern (take note, Baa-chan).
I should have turned around when I heard the moaning.
I know. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. But I didn't. All I knew was that Bastard-sensei was this close to throttling me already, and it wouldn't help anything to come back to him empty-handed when he already had to spend half his morning supervising while we stitched up the kidlets from the elementary school two blocks down. (What moron decided that it was a good idea to put the playground jungle gym on concrete?)
But right—the moaning.
"Right there—oh! Yeah, Shika~"
That was Karin. I'm sure that was Karin.
(Maybe. When they're that close, I guess they all sound kind of the same.)
I had to weigh my options—I could either walk away now and face the wrath of Baby Uchiha later, or I could burn the image of Karin having Shikamaru her way into my retinas for forever.
I almost walked away.
But I am a Good Intern, and saving lives comes before saving (my) eyes (again, baa-chan—watch!).
So I manned up, and opened the door like a good Sponge—NAY, like the best Sponge—
…And came face to breasts with Karin from the Legal Department, straddling the Resident Whore, her thong half-on, her shirt half-buttoned, and his stethoscope in her… well you know.
Obviously, I ran away. The second I came out, however, I was greeted by the sight of freaky white eyes. Yeah, I thought it was Queen Hyuuga too, but actually it was that nurse Ino says I should date. The Half Hyuugette. Hinata. According to Banshee and how she knows everyone's business, they're cousins. Poor girl.
Anyway, she didn't see me and she was aiming for the supply closet, so being the Good Samaritan that I am, I saved her the epic mental scarring. I was all, "WAIT! DON'T GO IN THERE!"
And then she looked at me and turned super freaking red. I kid you not, baachan, I thought she was going to explode or something. But still, my Inner (Outer?) Doctor was flailing at the prospect of a potential illness, but more importantly, a potential surgery.
So I was like, "Holy crap, are you okay?!" And I tried to touch her forehead but she freaked out and ran away.
I guess crazy runs with all the Hyuugas—
OH YEAH. SPEAKING OF CRAZY, TODAY GAARA WAS COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET WITH THE MOST SUSPICIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.
I kid you not. I was just standing by the nurses' station doing the worse Bastard-sensei's charts when I heard the door open. And you know, after being an intern with Banshee for so long, you can't quite help but instinctively perk up to the opening and closing of doors (hello! SOURCES OF GOSSIP?!) so...
Well yeah, Gaara came out. I waited for a while but no chick followed.
LIKE WHAT THE EFF WAS HE DOING IN THERE?
DAY EIGHT: BABY BLUES
I hate my life. Well no, I hate my job, because really, after mountains of student loans and writing papers and missing out on Pub Nights to study, I am an indeed an intern at Konoha General like I'd always dreamt of, yet for whatever reason, I have been reduced to Sponge Duty.
WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!
Whatever. Let's get to what I know you really want:
Dr. Haruno is pregnant. With a baby. A Mini Sasuke.
I AM NOT SURE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.
She doesn't know it yet, but from spending the past few weeks with Itachi the Slore, I know pregnancy symptoms when I see them (Dr. Haruno's morning sickness has officially ruined ramen for me). Or well, I don't think she knows it yet. Nah, who am I kidding? Dr. Haruno's a professional! She has to know she's pregnant.
Bastard-sensei, however, professional or not, is and always will be a moron.
It was awesome.
So Bastard-sensei was probably in the doghouse which led to Kiba and Gaara joining me and the Banshee today. After Dr. Haruno brought them over like the nice resident we all know she definitely isn't (come on, people call her the Nazi!), she just walked away, which seemed to make Bastard-sensei mad because his default get-the-hell-out-of-my-face look was replaced with a go-jump-off-a-bride-before-I-push-you. Or something.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked her. He thought he was being quiet (I think) but... well Banshee and I just eavesdrop naturally, okay? Then Dr. Haruno gave him a dirty look and told him nothing was wrong. Still, Bastard-sensei, like any other man, did not know when to just stop, and kept going. "You've been really bitchy the past few days."
Then she said, "I'm just not feeling well, okay?"
HI, IT'S CALLED MORNING SICKNESS.
I know what you're thinking, baachan. This is sooooo coming in first place for Scandal of the Year, but ItaKo is could competition. (And no, the Shika Show isn't all that scandalous. It's just... gross. Really. Really, really gross.
THAT DIRTY, DIRTY THING THEY WERE DOING IS IN MY BRAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BAACHAN. I DESERVE A RAISE. CAN I SUE YOU? CAN I SUE THE HOSPITAL FOR DAMAGING MY FRAGILE PSYCHE? IS THAT POSSIBLE? I'D ASK THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT BUT THEN I'D SEE KARIN AND I'D REMEMBER.
Maybe I should ask Bastard-sensei. As stupid as he may be at recognizing his... whateveryoucallher (Girlfriend? Sexy friend? I have no clue) is pregnant, he is good at his speciality (duh): neurology!
ERGO, PERHAPS HE HAS A CURE.
DO YOU THINK HE CAN DO SURGERY ON ME AND CLEANSE MY BRAIN OF ALL THE THINGS I SO NEVER EVER NEEDED TO SEE IN MY LIFE?
...okay, well one can hope. And I suppose being unconscious in the presence of teacher who hates me and is holding a sharp, pointy scalpel isn't too good.
DAY NINE: AW, IT'S AN APPY!
Okay. I was wrong. So, so, so, so wrong.
There is no Bastard Jr. on the way like I thought.
(Though if you're hoping for another dark-haired, dark-eyed brat, try the other Uchiha. Seriously. The sound of anyone snapping on their gloves for surgery, or Dr. Hatake closing his erotic literature brings back uber traumatic memories I did not want.)
But yes. No baby.
Just an appendectomy.
It was funny. So across the hall, Dr. Haruno was ordering around Kiba and Gaara when suddenly she froze up and just puked on the floor (and Gaara's shoes), and Kiba—oh, Kiba, ever subtle, ever tactful Kiba—all but shouted, "LOL ARE YOU LIKE, PREGNANT, DR. HARUNO?" (fine, not exact words, but something to that tune). Then Bastard-sensei, halfway through an "Uzumaki, you are a moron", just stopped, stiffened and rushed over to her. He ordered Ino to give her an ultrasound and well...
Yeah, she's not pregnant.
He is, however, getting all protective. Ino was having fun with holding some bit of power over Bastard-sensei, I suppose, telling him that from his meticulous and wise teachings, she learned that she was bound to patient confidentiality, so if he wanted to know whether or not he was about to be a daddy, he had to go talk to Dr. Haruno. And so, Bastard-sensei, being the bastard and teacher he is, assigned Ino to scut.
And more scut.
And more, just smirking at Ino when she stared at him with the biggest are-you-shitting me look on her face.
It was awesome, really.
And what's better? With Ino-Bitch looking super horrible in Bastard-sensei's eyes, I now look... well not as bad as I usually do. Even I still am at "horrible" with Ino below me, I may as well be "awesome". Which I am. Whatever.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
It went like so:
Bastard-sensei was all, "Uzumaki, Dr. Hatake will be performing Dr. Haruno's appendectomy. I asked if I could assist but he declined—"
"Oh?" I interrupted, smiling. "And why is that, Bas—er, Dr. Uchiha? It's not like you guys are married or whatever. So why wouldn't he let a great doctor like yourself—"
Like the rude bastard he is, Bastard-sensei cut me off. "However, he did say I can send in one of my interns. Apparently Dr. Haruno said he could use this surgery as a way of teaching you interns. So you're going to be helping with Dr. Haruno's appendectomy. We chose you."
So first I was like. "Oh, my friggin god!" Then I was like "THIS IS SO AWESOME! I GET MY OWN SURGERY." Then I was all "Ha! Wait 'til Ino hears about this!"
It wasn't until I went to use my bragging rights to the Banshee that I realized I was doing surgery on The Nazi.
Ino was all scoff-y and was like, "Well then, good luck, Naru-chan!" I gave her the finger and she twisted it. (Bitch.) "Dr. Uchiha's going to make the rest of your internship a living hell if anything goes wrong, you know."
I was in the middle of fml-ing when Hinata came up to me and asked if I was okay.
Obviously I was not. I needed a drink so I asked her if she wanted to get one after work and she said yes.
DAY TEN: BIPOLAR BASTARD(-SENSEI)
So today kind of sucked.
But it didn't start out that way.
(REALLY. I HAD SEX THREE TIMES LAST NIGHT/THIS MORNING. T'WAS AWESOME.)
I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT BASTARD-SENSEI SAID TO THE NAZI WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ALONE.
(Ahem. Cue the violins, plzkthnx.)
After Dr. Hatake asked (read: ordered) me to do his pre-op rounds—probably so he could do some rounds with that freak Anko—I went over to the Nazi's room (and KNOCKED, because half of the trauma I've gotten from this place comes from my not doing just that) and LO AND BEHOLD.
WHO WAS THERE BUT BASTARD-SENSEI.
I really shouldn't have been too surprised. I mean, when he asked her what was wrong after she threw up and the fact that he even noticed that she had been, and I quote, "really bitchy the past few days" should have signaled that he and the Nazi were... you know—more than just a casual fling. I mean, someone actually had to tell Bastard-sensei when your other protégé went and got preggers that one time after she and Dr. Shiranui forgot to use a rubber. He's that unconcerned with people that don't concern him.
So obviously, Dr. Haruno concerns him in more than just a sexy-friends kind of way.
But still, it was weird to hear them so... attached. (And contrary to the rest of this Slog, I mean that in a not-dirty way this time.)
I mean, obviously, I didn't overhear the whole thing, but Dr. Haruno was all "I'll be fine, Sasuke-kun. Stop worrying."
She called him Sasuke-kun.
And he was all, "I'm not worrying. I'm just trying to figure out which one of your interns is least likely to kill your patients while you're in recovery."
But he so was worrying—even I could hear that, and I wasn't even in the room.
What they said today... just—it kind of made them more... human? Or something. Like, for one brief shining moment, Dr. Haruno was more than just a megaphone set permanently on "NAZI," and Bastard-sensei was more than just as a bastard set permanently on "BASTARD".
BUT IT DID NOT TAKE AWAY FROM MY HILARITY WHEN I HEARD THE FOLLOWING:
Dr. Haruno (DH): "Sasuke-kun, I already apologized—even if it really isn't my fault that my appendix decided to rupture, you know."
Bastard-sensei (BS): "Well excuse me for worrying about you."
DH: "It's sweet, Sasuke-kun. But try not to, all right? It's not really helping me now—if anything, this whole thing is your fault. You're a big part of the reason I've been stressing so much—"
[And then, I guess, the emotion got to be too much for old BS (LOL) and he said:]
BS: "—And you make my day not suck as much. So do me a favor and just try not to die on the table. You know how difficult it is dealing with people like that Uzumaki. This hospital needs more than just me to teach those morons how to think with their heads instead of their scalpels."
Really, Bastard-sensei should have more faith in me. I am going to be holding a scalpel when they operate on her, aren't I?
Anyway, right after he said that, he flounced out of the room.
I swear, if scrubs had capes, his would have been billowing in the non-existent breeze behind him.
I muffled my laughter just in time to see him give me the Stank Eye of Doom.
"Don't mess this up, Uzumaki. I'll be watching."
But I couldn't even pretend to be scared. After the heartfelt confession (LOL), his intimidation factor all but disappeared.
Anyway, that little interlude was basically the best part of my day.
Baa-chan, I'll give you a play-by-play so that the next time you decide I don't deserve a pay raise (and no I'm not still bitter that you doubled Ino's and Gaara's) I can shove the Slog in your face, and prove you wrong.
As I thought, Dr. Haruno's surgery was hell for various reasons.
It really shouldn't have been. I mean, it was an APPY. Nazi or no Nazi, Dr. Haruno's appendix is just like anyone else's. But the problems began from the minute we prepped her.
First, Bastard-sensei went all Pocahontas on everyone trying to prep her for surgery. And by that, I mean that he kept trying to shield her with his body while the nurses were rolling the gurney to the OR. I guess he thought the sight of her naked arm would excite us all to orgasm or something.
Then, as Dr. Hatake was explaining the procedure to us interns—not that I didn't already know it—Bastard-sensei kept hovering like we were all there to engage in a mass-orgy, rather than to perform a laparoscopic appendectomy, even though he totally wasn't even supposed to be in there. Duh, that red line is outside the OR for a reason.
Honestly, if Dr. Hatake hadn't shoved him out while the anesthesiologist was doing his part, I'm sure we would have all gotten a replay of the raburabu pow-wow I overheard in Dr. Haruno's room, complete with FabuLee sparkles and an "I'LL NEVER LET GO," tossed in for good measure. Thankfully, aside from a few snarled curses, Bastard-sensei left on his own, though not without saying "I'LL END YOU IF THIS DOESN'T END WELL."
Oh, that Bastard-sensei. Sooooooo supportive of his interns.
Thankfully, your attendings are a lot nicer, Baa-chan. Except not really. Dr. Hatake just gave me this really bored look and said that he was sure I wasn't going to be killing anyone today.
And really, it just got better and better after that.
Dr. Hatake had just made the third incision, and he'd only just started to introduce the carbon dioxide when I heard the tapping.
I looked up into the gallery, and what do I see but Bastard-sensei stalking around all rabid and clearly worried for Dr. Haruno. It would have been touching if he didn't look so deranged, tapping his forehead against the glass like it was WWII and we were all waiting for his commands in Morse code, or something. (Seriously, baa-chan—I question your hiring practices.)
A few seconds later, the intercom not five steps away from me started to beep. One of the scrub nurses pressed it, and all of a sudden, we hear "IS IT IN YET?"
Dr. Nara, who was standing upright—and even more amazing, was fully clothed for a change—just looked up, smirked at him, and said "That's what she said."
(I only barely stopped myself from snorting. Clearly, Dr. Nara is lacking in maturity, unlike me.)
Well, Baachan, you've read enough of the Slog to know that there's no way that Bastard-sensei was gonna let that one slide, but clearly this whole "surgery-on-the-love-of-his-life" thing was getting to him, because he wasn't nearly as bitchy as he usually is when people insult him.
"I only wanted to know the status of one of our mutual coworkers, Dr. Nara." The sneer was still there but there wasn't as much venom.
Dr. Nara sighed. "It's laparoscopic surgery, Uchiha—you did go to medical school right?" He didn't even wait for a reply. "Then you should know that in another few minutes, Haruno will be back in
her room, where you can coddle her without the rest of us having to hear about it."
(OH NO HE DI-INT, Z-SNAP, DA-YUM, ETC.)
Surprising as the outburst was—I guess one of the side-effects of excess sex is bitchiness—Dr. Nara got us a few more moments of blessed silence.
And then, Bastard-sensei started up again:
"Are we certain that the laparoscopic method was the best way to treat Dr. Haruno's appendix? What do you expect her reaction will be to the carbon dioxide? Did you do an EKG before you wheeled her in? Kakashi, are you sure the camera has been sterilized? Are you—"
And I don't know what made me say it. I really don't—probably the same thing that made Dr. Nara say his peace.
I opened my mouth and:
"SHUT THE HELL UP, BASTARD-SENSEI. This is laparoscopic surgery. She's not going to die. She can handle the camera, and as you know, the camera isn't going to hurt her or anything. So stop worrying and let us fix her. Anyway, Dr. Haruno's had bigger things in her than this camera if you know what I mean, and I think you do."
And the OR just... stopped—for about a split-second, anyway, until everyone remembered that hello, there is a BODY on the table, and it belongs to one of our own.
I didn't even bother looking up at Bastard-sensei after my spiel—though, it would've been nice to see him frothing at the mouth—but I could feel the "scut-duty-for-a-month" glare burning through my scrubs.
Anyway, we closed her up soon after, and shuffled out.
Predictably, after I scrubbed out, Bastard-sensei was waiting for me all stalker-like near the entrance of the OR.
He slammed me against a wall and leaned in so close I could smell the tomato he had for lunch that day.
(In other words, Dr. Haruno—who has a totally obvious lust for boy-love of all kinds—had she been conscious, would have been squeeing at our position.)
"You pull any of the crap you pulled today, Uzumaki, and the next time you see the inside of an operating room, you'll be on the table, instead of standing over it. You're on scut for a month. Now get the hell out of my face."
He stalked off—probably to swoon over Dr. Haruno's unconscious body—his hips swaying like Banshee's during Tuesday's Lady's Night at Shino's bar across the street.
Ugh. Scut for a month.
And to top off the rest of this craptastic afternoon, I'm starting to feel a little chafed—
In my pants.
Yeah, this was very Sasuke and Sakura oriented. Next chapter will feature more Shikamaru and Itachi. 8D
AND PROPS TO WHOEVER GETS WHAT NARUTO IS SAYING IN THOSE LAST FEW LINES. And once again, please vote!