Author: Amrit Singh Raizada PM
Sirius's thoughts 14 yrs after James's death. Sad. Sirius feels guilty.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst - Sirius B. - Words: 859 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12-24-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5608125
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"I'm not sober all the time, you bring me down- at least you try, until we see this side to I. I don't want you."
I walk slowly through this damp and dark house.
Somewhere I hear my name being called,
But I don't hear it, I'm somewhere else.
Lost in the time.
The time of my life, the days of my youth.
As they slowly overtake me I can't even bear the thought
Of my slipping composure
"Pull yourself together Black!" I command myself harshly
But I'm not able to follow my command, just barely do I manage.
"BLOOD TRAITORS! FILTH!"
A voice jarrs me from my thoughts,
the voice is not entirely unfamiliar.
It is lest another reminder of my deprived childhood.
The childhood I was saved from, the life he saved me from.
These surroundings slowly drown me.
I can't handle them anymore.
Only he could pull me out.
If he hadn't walked away.
"I must be running out of luck 'cause you're just not drunk enough to f*ck."
I can't wrap my head around it.
Even after all this time,
I never realized just what it felt like to be the one bit
by the cruel jaws of memory
And times lost forever
People... lost forever
My mother proves harder to provoke
Hot blood rises quickly,
I suppose it's just folk...
I don't want this
I can hear the portraits as I pass by
"The blood traitor,"
They remind me
of my unacceptance
of my hate
I roar back
I can't even fathom why I take their bait.
I can't wrap my head around it
"And now I've had it up to here, I don't, I don't want you."
I've had enough now,
yet I still refuse to bow.
I'll keep up the fight
Yet I don't know why
I'll vent my frustration
on him, on Snivellus as 'he' called him
and I'd join in sneering
I cant understand why.
"Some like to actually work,"
he says in a low hiss
I USED to work
I USED to be able to do anything
Because I'd always have his support
Now... I'm not so sure
"It took so long to see, You walked away from me.""SIRIUS!"
The same voice calls,
yet another in my head calls,
"Padfoot? Why are you taking so long mate?"
The past calls to me.
I can't understand why I do this! Why can't I let it be?
For the same reason as always, Sirius,
I tell myself.
You can't let go,
it took you forever,
you finally see.
He walked away
You needed him, he didn't need you
"When I need you. Wake up I'm pounding on the door, I'm not the man I was before."
I storm up into my room and stare.
At the picture that portrays the laughter and happiness
That no longer exists.
He has to come back
Why doesn't he see?
I won't disappoint him anymore
I'm not the same.
Time changes everyone
and I am no exception.
James standing next to me
with his arm thrown around me
He has no idea of what would happen to him,
because of my disappointments,
it's my fault...
"Where the hell are you? When I need you?!"
At the time when I actually need him;
he's no longer there.
Why am I still here?
Hadn't we always told each other:
We were brothers
We would live together
I kept my end of the bargain
He just... broke
I hate it
How could I have let this happen?
The thought of James-my brother
I wonder where he is now;
If he's watching over me,
If he laughs at what's become of me,
Or if he can't stand the sorrow
Just like me
Come back Prongs...
The voice yells and this time the figure comes into view...
"Sirius?" says Harry, panting.
"Where the hell have you been?"
I slowly smile, and apologize
"Seriously Sirius, Mrs. Weasley's been calling you for FOREVER!"
He grins at me just like you used to Prongs,
He shakes his head and walks out
calling for me to follow him.
I tear myself out of the past,
away from the memories
and thrust myself into the present
and appreciate what Prongs has left.
He's not here
but he's left me a memoir;
that he'll always be there,
even if its not first hand,
I yell and trot off after my godson.
My little Prongs.
Wake up... I'm not the man I was before...
A.N. I thought Sirius would have felt a measure of self-blame when it came to James and the Song is Wake Up- Three Days Grace
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