|Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz
Author: Laughing Salad PM
In the most METAL story you'll ever read, Hagrid, Luna, Ron, Aragog, McGonagall, and Dumbledore form a heavy metal band. Will this band have the balls to make it? You decide! Maybe. Not really. Dumbledore/Cthulhu, Luna/Yaoi, Your Mom/EveryoneRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Rubeus H. & Luna L. - Chapters: 12 - Words: 17,103 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 11-23-12 - Published: 01-04-10 - id: 5640811
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
One day in the bright land of merry Scotland, Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry was transported into an alternate dimension where Harry is still in his sixth year, Dumbledore is still alive, Voldemort is a pussy and yet somehow also a unic (*we'll tell you how later*), it was somehow 2010, and Ron is still afraid of everything that moves. One day in this freaky AU, Hagrid was walking through the Forbidden Forest en route to visit his half-brother, Grawp. Grawp was mentally challenged by Wizarding standards, but somehow also a fan of heavy metal. Do not ask why.
"Lodudodudo, goin' to see mah brutha, Grawp!" sang Hagrid, horribly off-key.
Hagrid eventually made it past the centaurs and giant spiders to see his colossal, stupid, smelly, poopy, adjective-filled brother.
"'Ello, Grawp!" said Hagrid, as if it were still the 1890's.
"Uro, buruva!" screamed Grawp as if he had no inside voice.
"'O, 'uts new?" asked 'Agrid.
"I have news bad. Ice cream gone and me broke new girdle," said Grawp as if the world was about to end. "Also, me die soon."
"WTF?!?!" 733T'd Hargird.
"Ugh, Grawp have huge tumor in thinking place. It grow to size of me."
Hagrid then noticed that Grawp's head was the size of a tree. "…'Ow didn't I notice that?" he asked, stupidly.
"Grawp have one wish."
"Grawp want Hagrid to make heavy metal band! Make one with Harry and Hermeanie and Dracula and hot old teacher with funny name."
"No, girl Dumbledore. And me want to see first concert."
"Oh, Grawp, I don't think you'll live to see it. You have a tumor…in your 'ead…the size of a centaur's dangledoos!"
"Then Grawp die now. Bye-bee!"
Grawp died that day of a tumor that took up most of his body, as well as most of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid stood there in disbelief. Then, Hagrid gained a look of determination.
"…I mus' live up to Grawp's dream! I must make a 'eavy metal band with 'Arry and 'Ermione and 'exy Dumbledore…but first, I need to find the most metal person I know!"
Hagrid ran through the Forbidden Forest to find the nest of Aragog's clan. The giant spiders fled in terror as the half-giant trudged in at twenty-miles-per-hour. Aragog raised his lack-of-eyebrow as Hagrid came to him.
"Hagrid, I assumed that you would not come today. I wished you would give me some children to eat, but noooooooooo. I have to eat tiny freaking unicorn babies."
"Aragog, Grawp is dead!"
"…I suppose that means you will not wish for me to not feast on him, not not," said Aragog, trying and failing to do a Jedi mind-trick.
"Yeah, sure, go ahead, but the point is I need you to be in mah new 'heavy metal band!"
"…Heavy metal? Is that a thing? Like a rubber band made of aluminum?"
"No, but 'at is a metal idea! I need you to play the drums in a band! You have lots of legs, right?"
"No, Hagrid," Aragog said, trying sarcasm for the first time. He was a sarcasm virgin. "I am an amputee, and I ate my legs."
"But I see your legs right there!" said Hagrid, also being a sarcasm virgin. "You need to, for the children!"
As Hagrid said children, Aragog's mouth watered. "Sure! I'll do it! For the bite-sized children!"
A few hours later, Hagrid, after squeezing into his leather pants and making Aragog put on black eyeliner(which took about thirty-minutes), the two ran onto the Hogwarts grounds. The children screamed as a fat man and a giant spider came closer to the castle.
"HOLY CRAP! A GIANT ANT!" said a stupid first-year.
"No, you bloody fool! It's a butterfly!" said an even stupider first year.
"Wait, it's a Giant Enemy Crab!" screamed Goyle.
"Attack its weak point for massive damage!" screamed Crabbe. Crabbe then pulled out a Wizarding shank and ran to Aragog. Aragog then did something to him off-screen. Crabbe was never heard from again.
Just then, Hermione, Ron, and everyone's favorite emo child, Harry Potter the Great, walked onto the scene. They all looked very perplexed.
"…Is that Aragog?" asked Hermione.
"Oi, I think it is!" screamed Ron.
"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione.
Hagrid then took out a random megaphone. "'Ello, Cleaveland!"
"What's that?" asked Harry?
"I'm looking for children to be in mah 'eavy metal band!" screamed Hagrid, excitedly.
"Do you mean heavy metal?" asked Ron.
"Shut up Ron," said Hagrid over the megaphone. "I need young schoolgirls to be a part of mah band, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz!"
"Oh no!" screamed Hermione. "His blatant misspellings have made my ears bleed! This fan fiction is turning out to be a horrible mistake!"
As usual, everyone ignored Hermione's fourth wall breaking and acted as if her breasts had shrunk.
"I need everyone here who can play an instrument to line up!" screamed Hagrid.
Everyone on campus backed away slowly. Ron, however, ran forward.
"I can! I can play the bass!" said Ron, as if he was taking about the fish. "Now no one can say shut up to me, because I'll be in a band!"
"SHUT UP, RON!" said everyone, ever.
Luna walked forward with a dazed look on her face. She tripped along the way.
"I can play the electric accordion!" said Luna. "It sounds like a Blogsplon's mating call."
"That's the second most metal thing ever!" screamed Hagrid.
Professor McGonagall ran forward with her large hat bouncing in the wind.
"I say! This is horrible! You've killed a child."
"Oh, he would have died anyway!" said Hagrid, pointing the megaphone right at McGonagall's face.
"…Oh, yes. I forgot…I CAN PLAY SUPPORTING GUITAR!"
"METAL!!!" screamed Hagrid, bursting more than one child's ear drums.
"Oh, oh, oh!" screamed an insane and yet soothing voice. "I want to sing!"
Dumbledore ran to Hagrid and jumped onto his head.
"I want to be in the band! I have my outfit picked out already! And if you let me lead, I'll give you Neville!"
"I accept," said Aragog, licking his spider-lips with is spider-tongue.
"And I'll be the manager so I can have your money and use it for more breast implants!" said Hermione. "That way, everyone wins!"
"Boing!" said her breasts.
And so, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz was formed, and from that day forth, this AU Hogwarts will never be the same. Especially since most of the students are now deaf.