With Feathers

Five times Jasper Whitlock felt hope. Canon missing moments. Jasper/Alice. Written for flute_genevive.

Written as a gift for flute_genevive. Thank you once again. I agree, there's not nearly enough Jasper/Alice fics out there. Hope you like it. And the timing is a lucky coincidence, but happy birthday for tomorrow too!

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One

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It was the Year of Our Lord nineteen-forty-eight and Jasper Whitlock was tired of life. It was hard not to become disillusioned to the world and all its supposed greatness, when all he saw was the frivolity and corruption of humankind. He scarcely remembered what it was to feel joy, chivalry, love emanating from another person's soul.

He supposed he was dying in a sense of the word.

His heart hadn't beat since 1863, but at least he'd known it was there. With Maria, he'd felt it. Felt stirrings of something – affection, if not love. But she hadn't fooled him. In all the time he'd served her, he'd never felt an ounce of the same affection from her. There was lust, yes. And a certain degree of pride when she saw the warrior he'd become. But as an empath, Jasper knew that love was something very different. He'd felt it in others, even if he'd never necessarily felt it for anyone himself.

Now, he could scarcely remember what it felt like to feel... well, anything.

He could feel others' emotions. But his own were buried deep now. So deep, even he didn't recognise them at times like this.

Times like this uncomfortably cool day. It was daytime, yes, and Jasper was still adjusting to allowing himself to be seen during the day. He didn't like the risk of exposure, but during such a terrible storm he supposed it wasn't likely that the sun would venture out from behind its clouds. He was safe, for the time being.

But not happy.

Although the chill didn't affect him, he could still feel it. The raindrops hitting his face irritated him. He supposed an ordinary human would be concerned with getting wet, but he was more concerned that his lack of concern would provoke unwanted attention. The rain worsened then, forming tiny hailstones which settled like snowflakes in his hair and on his eyelashes, causing him to scowl and wipe the irritating droplets away like a dog squatting at fleas.

That was what he had become. A stray dog, alone in a world he no longer understood. Not for the first time, he wished he'd stayed with Peter and Charlotte. Vampirism still wasn't the life for him, but if he had no choice, he'd rather be in good company.

It was only a split second after he had this thought that he crossed the street, intending to find a dry, enclosed place to sit and mull through his thoughts.

That was when he felt it.

It was... he didn't know what it was. But it was something. And a powerful something – an emotion so strong, it could attract his attention like nothing ever had before. So strong that he'd noticed it, despite decades of trying to ignore the unwanted feelings he swept past every day.

He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, trying to savour the emotions coursing through him. He stayed there for who-knows how long, until a few scattered footsteps splashing through the rain alerted him to the presence of humans nearby.

He had to move, he realised. He was still in danger of attracting attention. Slowly, he pulled himself together again, walking through the rain to find a suitable shelter.

The first place he saw was just a few blocks further. It was a shabby-looking place, but for some reason he found himself compelled to enter. The diner looked almost deserted – there were a few people seated in booths and one lone skinny boy resting against the counter.

Jasper debated for a few seconds. On the one hand, he could stay outside in the storm, exposed and attracting attention. On the other, he could step inside and try to ignore the few people who were enjoying their meals, oblivious to his dilemma and their mortal peril.

He made his decision. The boy at the counter raised his head as he took a decided step towards the diner and strode in out of the rain.

The door closed behind him with a tinkle of the bell attached to the frame. Now that he was inside, without the whirling noise of wind and rain to muffle all other sound, Jasper could hear faint, tinny music coming from the radio behind the counter. The boy sitting on a high stool at the counter seemed to be swaying slightly, tapping his fingers on the bar in time to the tune. A sweet female voice crooned gently through the speakers, lulling Jasper into taking another step forward in the small but warm room.

"How long can I keep waiting for a tender word from you? The sweetest rose starts fading when the sunshine won't come through..."

But it wasn't a boy, Jasper realised suddenly, his eyes strangely drawn to the stranger's delicately curved fingers still tapping on the glass-topped counter. Not a boy, but a woman – a very small woman, at that. It was an easy enough mistake to make though. She wasn't like any other woman he'd ever seen before.

In almost exactly the same moment, he caught her fragrance upon the coffee-and-human-scented air, and realised something else about her – she wasn't human. She was an immortal, just like him, although why another vampire would be sitting alone in a run-down diner in broad daylight was beyond him. Perhaps she too didn't like the rain.

Now, up close, he knew that the emotions he'd felt earlier had come from this woman. The strange, unidentifiable pull. He'd walked towards it without even acknowledging his true reasons for escaping the rain. Jasper had never felt anything like it before – not in the wars, and certainly not in the lonely years since. It was not quite happy, not quite sad. A mixture of impatience and yearning and joy and anticipation, and it drew him closer, compelling him to take one more step, until he was standing just a few feet away from the vampire woman, who –

Was rising to her feet.

Jasper took a step back in alarm.

But the vampire woman didn't attack. Her emotions intensified as their eyes met – one pair black, the other a curious golden colour Jasper had never seen before. But he hardly stopped to question them. The emotion was so strong now – anything else he'd felt before seemed weak and meaningless in comparison, and there was certainly no room in his now-awoken heart to feel surprise.

The woman opened her mouth to speak. "You've kept me waiting a long time," she said.

He didn't think much of the words. They were confusing, yes, but this whole situation was confusing.

She wasn't particularly pretty – not for their kind, anyway. She was a tiny little thing, all skin and bone, black-and-white like a skeleton. And in all his years, he'd never seen a lady with such short hair – it was most peculiar and it stuck out in all directions. It was no wonder he'd first mistaken her slumped figure for that of a boy, although he found it difficult to believe now, looking at her delicate, feminine features.

Yet despite her strangeness, there was a certain charm about her all the same. Perhaps it was the way her eyes were immediately drawn to his, or the confident yet timid smile she offered him. Perhaps it was because she was so mysterious to him – an enigma he was itching to solve.

Perhaps it was because he knew that she too must be lonely. She too didn't belong in this never-ending world of killing and fighting and mayhem...

"I'm sorry, ma'am," he murmured, ducking his head in genuine regret. He knew somehow that she had suffered just as much misery and loneliness in her time on this earth.

Her smile widened.

She held her palm out then – an offering. And he reached out, allowing her to wrap her strong, small fingers around his without the thought even occurring to him that this was the first contact he'd had with another of his kind in almost seventy years.

Because the moment her fingers met his, the emotion he'd felt emanating from her finally reached inside him, stirring his own emotions until he wasn't quite sure whether he was feeling it from her or himself anymore.

It was hope.

..

Two

..

In the end, the wedding was a simple service.

It had all happened rather suddenly. Jasper hadn't been with Alice very long, but he knew that he felt something for her that he'd never felt for anyone else before. And he knew she returned those feelings – she'd felt the same for as long as she could remember, since she first opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of the future they would inevitably share together.

So when the time came, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but one Jasper knew he would never regret.

"Let's get married," he told her – and he knew he had finally succeeded in shocking her too, because although she'd known the words before he'd spoken, a few seconds beforehand she'd uttered a sweet little gasp of surprise which was so unusual to hear.

Alice had been ecstatic, of course, planning everything from the animals they would hunt afterwards to the visitors they would have as witnesses – they hadn't found the elusive Cullen family yet, but neither of them wanted to wait. Alice had shown him what it was like to love another person with all his heart, and it brought him more happiness than he could ever explain to feel her return that love for him. This one absurd human ritual was the only way Jasper could think of to express his feelings fully.

But Alice, as she always did, took to planning their wedding with an enthusiasm that had surprised him.

"Allie, you know I don't mind," he protested after she'd asked him for the fifth time whether he'd prefer irises or roses in her bouquet. "I just want you to turn up on time and tell me that you'll stay with me forever. The rest are just inconsequential details."

She shook her head at him – but smiled at the compliment all the same. "Silly man. You know I feel the same way. But I'd much rather our wedding service wasn't disrupted by the drunken homeless man I can see you picking up off the street to be our witness. I don't plan to get married more than once. I just want everything to be perfect for us, so I can look back at it every day for the rest of our eternity together with a smile on my face."

Jasper conceded that she had a point – but really, all this planning was taking valuable time. When he'd proposed, he'd imagined that the wedding itself would happen instantly. Why wait? They were already busy tracking the Cullens. Did she really want to make their lives even more difficult by introducing this new workload into their midst?

As it turned out, despite Alice's intense planning, it seemed she had a taste for simplicity. She'd refused to let him see the dress, although of course he knew where she'd hidden it. And although she'd had no one to help her, she'd taken care of everything in the church by herself.

The flowers she chose in the end were daffodils – an odd choice, but somehow the bright yellow flowers had looked lovely held tight against her skin as she made her way down the aisle in a simple white satin dress. She grinned as she walked down to where he stood.

And then the priest was talking, and so was he, and then he was aware of Alice's mouth moving, her lips shaping themselves over the words that he had said too, only time seemed to be slowing down and he was having some difficulty remembering what usually came next in a service like this, and all of a sudden, it hit him – he, Jasper Whitlock, was getting married.

He'd never thought it possible before. He'd always assumed that he was an anomaly, a rare creature of his kind, both liking and hating the bloodlust that ruled his every thought. And yet here she was, little Alice, holding a bouquet of yellow flowers and repeating after the minister.

"I do," she whispered, and he was slipping a simple gold band onto her finger, those same fingers he'd first held on a stormy day in Philadelphia. His own hands began to shake with the monumental realisation that he really would have her forever. That Alice wasn't just another Maria. He loved her, and she loved him, and they would find the family they'd been searching for and they would belong somewhere.

And then a ring was slid onto his finger in return, and he felt it again. That rare, enchanting emotion he'd felt so many times before in her presence.

It was hope.

...

Three

...

He wasn't quite sure what he was expecting.

Another army waiting for them, perhaps? A trap, designed to lure unsuspecting little Alice into their midst? Jasper didn't think himself a paranoid man, but he'd also not known enough good people to be completely convinced that Carlisle Cullen meant them no harm. Doctor Cullen – the thought was bizarre. A vampire doctor. It was impossible, because surely in such close proximity to human blood, the doctor would lose control!

And yet, from all he'd heard about them from Alice, it seemed that the Cullens were far more controlled than anyone else he had met in his 107 years.

Alice was running faster than he'd ever seen her run before. He felt her impatience to introduce herself to the family she'd always known but never met propelling her forwards. And yet, he felt his own uneasiness tugging him back.

She pulled on his hand once again.

"Don't worry," she called back to him, still speaking in her ordinary voice even as they ran. "Relax. They'll love you. I know they will." She tapped her head with her free hand and grinned. Then her head snapped up.

"They've caught our scent. Carlisle is waiting outside the house to greet us!" She giggled. "They think we're just nomads passing through."

Jasper couldn't help but smile at the excitement on her face. She always spoke of the Cullens like old friends she'd known for hundreds of years. And now, at last, she was meeting them. Jasper doubted very much that they would be the sort of people he would fit in with – but he knew that they would accept Alice in an instant. Who could possibly resist her?

They burst through the last few trees and into a clearing at a speed sure to terrify the Cullens. And then in a flurry of movement, squeals of excitement and a brief introduction from Carlisle which was cut short as Alice threw her skinny arms around his neck, they were suddenly inside the grand house, and Jasper was keeping one close eye on Alice while he tested the atmosphere in the room.

There were three of them – strange, since Alice had mentioned five. Surprise was their dominant emotion – even without his gift he could sense that. Of course, they must have seemed most peculiar. Alice, vibrant with happiness, introducing herself to all of them, knowing everything about the family already. And himself, scarred and stoic, hanging back but eyeing everyone cautiously as they greeted his enthusiastic wife.

Alice was hugging everyone in the room.

"Oh, and Esme!" she cried. "Your home is very beautiful – I love what you've done with the place! Of course, I saw your decision to add purple to the banisters, and I must congratulate you on the choice, it looks magnificent – "

"Allie," Jasper whispered, tugging her back from the startled, kindly woman. "Remember what we discussed? Calm down. You're scaring them."

She pouted, but backed away. "You have a magnificent view. We saw it as we were running. I think I'd like a room facing east, but there's no guest rooms available in that direction, is there? Maybe south then. Or maybe I'll just kick Edward out of his room – he has the best view, and he'll forgive me eventually anyway. But where is Edward? And Emmett? Oh, I can't wait to meet Edward. We're going to be such good friends, I just know it!"

Three pairs of eyes looked back in shocked silence.

The tall blonde woman was the first to speak. "Emmett and Edward are hunting. They'll be back shortly." Her tone implied a threat – this one at least, was wary of them.

"We're very sorry to intrude so suddenly," Jasper began, sensing that perhaps this situation called for his calming gift. "But Alice here has been dying to meet you all for so long. She has visions, you see, visions of the future. She already thinks of herself as part of your family."

Beside him, Alice frowned and squeezed his hand. Jasper knew without her saying a word what she meant – you're part of the family too.

"What I mean is... we'd love to stay here, with you. If you'll let us," he concluded. "We only hunt animals, like you. Well, at least we do now. I mean..."

He trailed off. He saw the blonde female eyeing the scars on his face, neck, wrists. He wondered if he'd said too much. Jasper didn't like speaking to these strange vampires, but Alice was too excited to explain properly. And if Alice trusted them, so would he.

But now he knew the time had come to discuss his difficulties with the new lifestyle he was leading. And he didn't think he could look the angelic doctor in the eye anymore.

Alice stepped in to save him from his shame.

"Jasper... hasn't always fed from animals," she explained as she rubbed his arm sympathetically. "He was involved in the Southern wars, and wasn't aware of the alternative. It's a little bit more difficult for him."

"Of course," Carlisle Cullen said, nodding in great interest, despite his confusion. "Of course, that's most understandable. I can't say I've experienced anything like the suffering you must have been through, Jasper, but I for one am extremely impressed that you have made a new life for yourself."

Jasper knew that the doctor was being sincere. Still, he also knew that it was a misplaced judgement. "It's all Alice," he told them. "Alice has changed everything."

Alice kissed his cheek lovingly, before allowing herself to be seated and explaining herself fully to the intrigued doctor and his wife. The blonde had finally relaxed, and was now more amused than frightened. Jasper made his way over to her as Alice continued to chatter away.

"My apologies for this," he said good naturedly, indicating Alice and himself. "It's been a while since she's had contact with anyone other than myself. And she loves you all – from the moment she was born, she loved you. I know it's a little difficult to believe."

The woman – Alice had called her Rosalie – nodded. "It's certainly unexpected. But your mate seems like a lovely woman nonetheless."

"Wife," Jasper corrected.

Rosalie's eyes widened. "Really?" she asked. "Forgive me, but you don't seem to me to be the type to retain such human traditions. Not that that's a bad thing. I have hoped that Emmett and I..."

He shrugged, liking how easy it was to make conversation with this woman now that her initial distrust had faded. "Alice brings out the more human instincts in me."

Rosalie grinned. "Is she really planning on kicking Edward out of his room? Now there's something I'd like to see."

"You don't like Edward?" Jasper knew from Alice's constant ramblings about the family that Edward was her favourite.

Rosalie shrugged. "We're civil with each other now. He's like an annoying older brother to me. Still, I can't wait to see his expression when he meets the two of you. He's always reacted... strongly to new members of our family. He hated me, and Emmett irritated the hell out of him when he was changed."

Jasper raised his eyebrows, but despite his new uneasiness that perhaps the man Alice had already begun to refer to as her brother may not be so welcoming, he felt a new warmth rise up inside him as he mulled over the unspoken assumption behind her words. New members of our family, she'd said, as though it were obvious that he and Alice would remain with them forever.

New members of a family.

The warmth spread like fire through his body, melting all his previous reservations.

It was hope.

...

Four

...

It took just four seconds for the guilt to seep in. Just four seconds after his victim's heartbeat stopped thrumming away, Jasper regained his senses and realised what he'd done.

He'd lost control. He'd killed. Again.

He dropped the body, and then somehow, he found himself on the ground too, bent over the boy's corpse and staring into the blank, fogged-up eyes without really seeing them.

He didn't know how long he stayed there. But a while later, someone was by his side, pulling him back to his feet. Alice.

"It's okay," she soothed, drawing him out of his agonised thoughts.

"It's not," he whimpered. It wasn't okay. For the last few years, everything had been fine. He'd felt almost free from his thirst, especially with Alice's – no, his – new family there, to support him and give him strength. He hadn't taken a life in over ten years. Ten hard, but glorious years.

And now a young boy lay dead at his feet. The droplets of blood dotting the gaping wound in his neck still smelled so good to Jasper despite his shame, and that sickened him more than anything.

Would he never be free of this? Why did Alice and Carlisle and Rosalie find it so easy to deny their true nature while he stumbled and made mistake after mistake after mistake?

He allowed her to take him back to the house Carlisle had welcomed them into. He allowed her to remove his clothes and wash the blood from his skin. He felt like a child, but perhaps that was better. It was certainly more comfortable, pretending.

Let me be a child again, a human boy with no fears, just let the adults take care of all the problems I face...

Sometime later, he found himself dressed in clean clothes, sitting on the edge of the bed he'd never slept in, saying nothing while Alice spoke random words of pity and regret, and Esme and Edward watched anxiously from the doorway.

"It's my fault," Alice was saying. "I wasn't concentrating – I should have been there before it was too late."

He shook his head, because no, it wasn't her fault, and he wasn't going to allow her to take any of the blame for his wrongdoings.

"It's okay, Jasper," Alice continued. "It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. We've all been through this."

He shook his head again, because no, they hadn't. Alice had only killed once – just one moment, early on in her newborn years, when the bloodlust was too potent to resist. Esme had taken just one girl's life. Rosalie and Carlisle had never even tasted the sweet elixir of human blood on their tongues. And none of them knew their victims like he did. None of them had felt their victims' last panicked emotions.

None of them knew what it was like to feel death in their hearts each time they killed another man.

"That's not true."

Jasper's head whipped up in astonishment. But of course. How had he forgotten?

Edward rose to his feet then, motioning wordlessly to Alice and Esme to leave the room. Esme left immediately; Alice stayed to press a comforting kiss to his forehead before departing.

The door closed, separating Jasper and Edward from the rest of the family. Jasper could feel Edward's sympathy, his understanding, his compassion. He knew that Edward could detect his own emotions too, through his thoughts. It was somehow almost as comforting as Alice's presence beside him, to sit beside someone he knew had experienced everything he had.

Edward shook his head. "It doesn't work quite like that," he said. "I know what you've experienced, but I don't feel things the way you do. I can't capture the tenor of your emotions, just like you can't read the thoughts behind mine."

Jasper thought about this. "But you do understand... to an extent?" he asked, with a weak plea in his voice. He'd never wanted to connect with another person so badly. Up until now, he'd seen the Cullens in the same way he saw Alice – they were an awe-inducing family, with more strength and goodness in their hearts than he possessed. He'd never stopped to consider the fact that Edward's past could resemble his own.

Edward nodded, as if he had spoken the last thought aloud. "Yes. You know, of course, that I strayed from Carlisle's way of living for a while. And yes, my thirst was the cause – I was tired of denying my true nature. The pull was too great to resist. I thought at first that if I only killed those who deserved it, I would be free of shame."

"But it didn't work."

"No. I was still taking lives, and I still knew it was wrong. That's why, in the end, I couldn't live with the decisions I was making. I came home."

Jasper nodded. He knew exactly what it was like – to feel like you couldn't live with the pain of taking just one more life, whether to victim was innocent or not.

And yet, he'd slipped up yet again.

"But don't you understand, Jasper?" Edward asked, raising his voice slightly. "Your gift makes you stronger. We know our victims' minds. It would be so easy for you to do as I once did – to find the people with terrible, sickening emotions and kill selectively, sating your thirst. But you don't. You chose a new path – a path you didn't have to take. And that makes you stronger than almost anyone I've ever known."

They were the most uplifting words anyone other than Alice had ever offered him, and Jasper knew as he felt the truth of Edward's words in his emotions, that he would never forget them. Somehow, something wonderful had come from Jasper's slip in self-control that day.

Something faintly familiar.

Something he'd never felt before without Alice in his presence. Something he knew now was his and his alone – he'd finally found the strength within himself to look towards the future without fear. With the death of this last victim and the companionship of a friend besides his Alice, he'd finally begun to listen to his own thoughts. His own emotions.

And now he felt something other than despair. Something strange and familiar and wonderful.

It was hope.

...

Five

...

Alice was doubting herself again.

Jasper sighed, because it was so rare to feel such despair from his girl, but he knew that it was something neither of them could escape from. It was strange to think that just under a month ago, they'd been happy, surrounded by loved ones. Now, they were alone, in the rainforests somewhere in South America, searching for the answers to their niece's existence, praying to find an answer to their prayers before it was too late – for all of them.

"Allie," he whispered, genuinely concerned for his wife's wellbeing. "Please tell me what's wrong. Tell me what you're planning next. I feel like we've been so many places already, laying so many plans. I can't keep track of it all. You have to let me inside your head."

She sighed; a defeated sound. Jasper didn't like it. He'd never known his bright girl to look so miserable, not in all the years he'd known her.

She shook her head. "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir. Because I'm not myself, you see."

Jasper smiled faintly. "You hate that book."

"But you love it. And you know that I've been through so many different states of mind in the last few weeks. I can't tell you where we'll go next, or what I'm thinking or even whether or not it's right to have any hope for our family right now, because I'm not even sure if I feel it myself. But Jazz..."

She trailed off. Jasper lifted her chin, forcing those sad golden eyes to meet his and pleading silently with her to let him in. She always did.

"You know," she said at last. "You know what hope feels like, and you know better than anyone right now if it'd right to feel it. If it can help us."

"Of course it can help us," Jasper said almost instantly. Hope was the one emotion that always kept him grounded. Nothing he'd felt before had ever been so strong; so powerful. If they had hope then they would succeed, there was no doubt about it. Hope was something he associated with Alice, with Edward, with the family he had come to love.

"But Renesmee..." Alice trailed off. Jasper wrapped his arms around her and kissed her furrowed forehead. He didn't like to see his baby so lost, so uncertain. It wasn't like Alice to ever doubt herself, but in this dark rainforest, following the blind spots and searching for whatever couldn't be found, he supposed anything was possible.

"She's everything," Alice whispered miserably. "She's everything this family has ever needed. She makes us whole. The missing piece I couldn't see. And now..."

"I know," Jasper said. "And that's why there's no question about it. There's no reason to have any uncertainty. Because that baby girl completes our family Alice, and she makes us happy. She makes the future seem... perfect. Like my feelings when you stepped into my life for the first time. She's changed us all. And that's why I'm with you now, that's why I'll follow you to the ends of the earth to find more people like her with you. Because she's perched on my soul just like the rest of our family. Just like you."

Alice relaxed, recognising the poetic reference and all that it implied.

"There is hope then?" She smiled – that same life-altering, world-shattering smile he remembered from so many years ago, one a stormy day in Philadelphia.

So many years, so many miles they'd travelled together, and yet, that smile was still the same. Those golden eyes had never changed. His girl had never ceased to surprise him in the most delightful ways.

"There's always hope with you around, Alice," he said, smiling back at her as he realised how true his words were. "I can't remember a time when there wasn't."

...

~Fin.

A/N: A little bit of trivia: the song from the first section is Confess, first released by Patti Page in – you guessed it – 1948. Daffodils represent hope. Alice quotes Alice in Wonderland in the final section, while Jasper makes reference to the famous poem by Emily Dickinson, which of course, the title is derived from.

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