|The Here and Now of It
Author: T'Key'la PM
A pon farr story written from the challenge posted in the a/n. Contains very adult concepts, ideas, actions. Very much K/S - first time during pon farr with an unwilling Captain. Rated M for a reason. Ends well, I promise.Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Drama - J. Kirk & Spock - Words: 6,774 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 115 - Follows: 10 - Published: 01-19-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5680036
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Response to this challenge posted on ksarchive dot com:
The Pain of Pon Farr by Kerchan
Spock is in Pon Farr but lacks his betrothed T'Pring due to the destruction of Vulcan. He can no longer contain himself and when his captain comes to check on him because of his recent behaviour, Spock looses it and takes Kirk in a violent act of preservation.
Bonus points if it's non-consensual or a form of rape (which can lead to Kirk loving it or not, you decide).
Double Bonus Points if Kirk bottoms.
Captain Kirk woke with a start, his sheets clinging to his sweat drenched body. It had come again – that dream - indistinct but frightening for all its haziness. He had dreamt of fire and unbearable heat and urges he could neither comprehend nor satisfy. As he lay on his narrow bunk staring blindly at the all too familiar ceiling, he reached down for his throbbing erection, not wanting to touch himself yet driven by an undeniable force he could not understand. He had discovered that if he did not bring himself to orgasm, the arousal would not diminish sufficiently for him to report for duty. Not that stroking himself was what his body craved. It was the aroma of a feast to a starving man.
He mechanically pumped his fist around his cock, not enjoying it the way that he was supposed to, the way he always had – until recently. His own hand felt foreign, wrong. Too cool, too impersonal. But what was it he did want - need? That answer was just beyond the edge of his vision, vanishing with the phantoms of his dreams.
His body responded to the reluctant attention he provided and he was able to relax momentarily, the unwilling orgasm bringing a small measure of the languid satisfaction to his limbs. As his breath slowed and his body temperature finally returned to normal, he squinted over at his clock. 0451. Too early to get up but staying in bed was pointless. He wouldn't find sleep again. Not until exhaustion and alcohol assisted in the effort.
Untangling himself from the damp and unruly bed, he stumbled to the shower, refreshing his body but not his mind. It was still wrapped in the fog of unfulfilled desire, uncertain need.
Once he was out and dressed, he made himself a pot of coffee then settled behind his computer. If he wasn't going to get any sleep, he would put the extra hours to good use. Without the normal activities of the ship to distract him, he was able to complete some of the reports that had nearly become overdue, reviewing work assignments for the next rotation, signing off on the numerous requests and reports and inquiries that were an inevitable part of any Captain's responsibility.
He considered discussing his disrupted sleep with Dr. McCoy but did he want to admit that he was having nightmares he could not control. That would inevitable lead to another argument about hyposprays and whether or not he would be allergic to Bones' latest concoction. No, better he dealt with them the best he could. They couldn't last much longer. His sanity surely wouldn't if they didn't cease plaguing him soon.
When he went to refill his cup, he couldn't understand how all of his coffee could already be gone. He didn't feel like he had drunk the entire pot. But the evidence was without dispute. So be it. As it was 6:57, he would go to Officers' Mess and pretend to eat breakfast. He could only hope that Dr. McCoy would not be lying in wait for him as he seemed to be for the past few days.
"You look like hell. You know that, right?" Bones said by way of greeting when they ran into each other in front of the mess.
"Good morning to you as well," Jim responded, trying but failing to hide his fatigue behind a jaunty smile. Even if Jim could lie to himself, it was much harder to convince Bones that he was indeed fine and just had a restless night.
"When was the last time you slept all night?"
Jim shrugged, entering the mess and hoping that would be an end to McCoy's worried but no less annoying nagging. His crew thankfully absorbed him into their conversations, discussing ship's business in the casual but effective way they did when they were not officially on duty.
"Yes, Scotty, I'll check on it just as soon as I finish breakfast," Jim promised his chief engineer right before he left Jim's table, Bones taking the chair directly across from his Captain.
"What is wrong with you?" Bones demanded, quietly but no less adamantly.
"Nothing," Jim assured him, drinking more coffee.
"Try eating something," Bones suggested, pointing with his fork at Jim's plate of untouched food.
"When did nagging me become you full time job?" Jim asked, the usual humor absent from his tone.
"Since you were dumb enough to make me your CMO, and I was dumb enough to agree. Nine very long months ago. It never occurred to you I'd know when you weren't eating or sleeping?"
Jim snorted at him, otherwise not responding. Instead, he turned his attention to Chekov when he stopped by his table. "Yes Ensign?"
"May I switch shifts today, sir?" Chekov requested.
"For what reason?" Jim asked, looking steadily up at the young man.
"Sulu is off today. He said he'd teach me to fence."
"You can master that skill in your leisure time," Jim informed him.
"Yes sir," Chekov responded, barely disguising his disappointment and walking away to find Sulu to tell him.
"Why did you do that?" Bones asked, staring at Jim.
"Why does he need a shift off? He has plenty of free time," Jim said.
"He wanted off because Sulu is. It's not about fencing. It's about Hikaru," Bones said with a frown.
"His personal interest in the lieutenant cannot be allowed to disrupt the effective running of this starship," Jim informed him. "Why am I even explaining it to you?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Jim? You've never denied the crew permission to switch before. And how could his switch disrupt anything?"
Jim frowned at him and abruptly stood. "If I were interested in your opinion of the effective running of my starship, Doctor, I would request it from you." With that, Jim turned on his heel and left, not bothering to return the acknowledgements of his crew as he stormed to the Bridge. Those still lingering from Gamma shift were very careful not to attract his attention, seeing the storm clouds over his head, a rare but disturbing occurrence.
"All systems report normal, sir," Lt. Commander Silverstone reported as she stood from the Captain's chair.
"I read the status reports, Lieutenant," Jim responded, missing the stricken look on Silverstone's face. She had greeted the Captain with those same words everyday that they had exchanged places, and she had invariably received 'very good. I will assume command,' along with a smile and a spark in those blue eyes, eyes that were instead clouded and unfocused.
"I apologize, sir," Silverstone said, backing away and sitting at an unoccupied station to await the end of her shift.
Jim either didn't hear or simply didn't acknowledge, instead reviewing the padd one of the yeomen had silently delivered before quickly leaving the uncomfortable atmosphere of the bridge.
"Sir?" Silverstone said several long minutes after the Captain had arrived.
"Yes Lt Commander," Jim said, not looking up from the information he was reviewing.
"Alpha shift has started, sir. Unless you need me for…."
"You are dismissed," Jim said curtly.
Silverstone nodded and joined others from Gamma shift who were only too glad to be able to leave the uncomfortable silence. Alpha shift sensed that something was amiss and quietly assumed their stations minus their usual morning greetings and banter. Chekov was especially quiet, sitting at his station and not engaging in conversation with Lt. McKenna who had Sulu's position.
"Mr. Spo-," Jim said with a frown, swiveling toward the Science Station, stopping in mid-word. "Where is Commander Spock?" he asked no one in particular.
"Computer, locate Commander Spock," Uhura requested in an even voice.
"Commander Spock is in his quarters," the computer responded.
"His quarters?" Jim barked.
"Commander Spock is in his quarters," the computer repeated.
"Yeah. I heard you the first time," Jim said, standing abruptly and pulling down his shirt with an annoyed tug. "Sulu, you have the bridge."
"Uhm…" McKenna said, turning around to face the Captain.
"McKenna," Jim corrected with a wave of his hand as he headed to the turbolift. Those he left in his angry wake exchanged a worried glance, waiting until the doors closed before taking a deep, collective breath.
When the turbolift arrived at the level of officers' quarters, Jim wasted no time going directly to Spock's door. He wasn't surprised when he received no response to the buzzer and used his override to open the doors. The heat that emanated from Spock's darkened quarters was surprisingly welcome rather than stifling as it normally was.
"Spock," Jim said in his best authoritative voice. "Why are you not on the bridge?"
"You need to leave," Spock's rough voice said from his sleeping quarters.
Jim approached the area of the sound to find Spock kneeling at his glowing idol, wearing his black meditation robe. "Why didn't you report?" Jim demanded.
"You need to leave," Spock repeated, his eyes barely open as he looked up menacingly at his Captain.
"Not until I get some answers. I haven't seen you for the past two days. Even when you are off-duty I usually at least talk to you. And now you don't bother reporting to your shift," Jim said, not trying to disguise his anger.
"For the last time, Captain, you need to leave," Spock said, the strain in his voice even more pronounced.
"And I said I'm not going anywhere until you answer me. What the hell is going on, Spock?" Jim did not have time to react when Spock uncoiled and stood, grasping Jim by the arms, his hands scorching Jim's skin and his mind. At the contact, Jim was flooded with the same sensations he had been experiencing in his dreams – the heat, the fire, the need, the desire, the urges he could not understand. He gasped at the flames that arced between them and tried to step away but Spock would not allow it.
"You should have listened," Spock said in a voice that terrified and thrilled Jim in equal measures. It was the voice of someone who had found what he wanted and would have it no matter the cost. And Jim knew he was that something.
"What is going on, Spock? You have to tell me. The dreams. They were yours," Jim said, trying to say all the words at once and to escape from the burning grip of this Vulcan wearing the mask of his friend.
"You are consumed as I am."
"Consumed by what? You have to explain this to me," Jim said, wishing he had the internal strength make it an order instead of a request, a plea for understanding. But the buzzing in his head was making it hard to think, his mind as clouded as his dreams.
"Pon farr," Spock ground out as though that was all the information Jim could possibly need.
"What?" Jim asked, struggling in Spock's grasp, trying to find some way to put distance between them, between him and the overwhelming need Spock was projecting through his touch and his nearness.
"You will not escape me. You are mine."
"Your what?" Jim asked, standing perfectly still when Spock tightened his hold. Jim knew he was going to have finger shaped bruises on his arms, hoping they wouldn't be joined by blisters from the incredible heat of Spock's touch.
"I will take what I need," Spock said, covering Jim's lips with his own before Jim could prevent it. Jim tried to turn his head to break the kiss but it was impossible. Spock plundered his mouth, assaulting his tongue and his lips, taking what he wanted. "You are mine."
"Your what?" Jim ground out between clinched teeth as he struggled to get away from Spock. "Your Captain who is going to have you court-martialed?"
"Cease," Spock ordered, shaking him. "I will mate with you."
"No you won't," Jim said, redoubling his efforts to escape Spock's grasp, shoving against Spock's hard chest in a futile attempt to break free. "Why the fuck is wrong with you?"
"We are driven by forces beyond my control," Spock growled into Jim's ear as he pulled him into a restricting embrace, Jim's body pinned to Spock's overheated one. Being pressed up against Spock made Jim all too aware of his heat, his intoxicating fragrance, the erection grinding into Jim's hip. Any response Jim might have thought of making was prevented by Spock kissing him again, the kiss more reminiscent of battle than passion.
"What forces? Spock, explain, now," Jim said, torn between wanting the press of Spock's body against his and wanting to flee, something that was becoming increasingly clear would be impossible until Spock allowed it. Rather than fight and become more bruised, Jim allowed the next kiss, passive beneath Spock's demanding lips and tongue.
"Pon farr," Spock repeated, biting Jim's ear as he whispered into it. "Vulcan mating imperative. Must mate or die."
"What the hell?" Jim demanded. "You aren't a salmon. How can you die from not mating?"
"Is the Vulcan way," Spock said, biting his neck down to where it met his shoulder, leaving a trail of marks, a sign of possession Jim knew. He just couldn't imagine why he knew.
"And you just now decided I need to know this?"
"Had planned to inform you. To request permission to journey to New Vulcan. Waited too late. Would not have mattered. What I need is here."
"What you need?" Jim asked in a hard voice. "What do you need?"
"You," Spock told him, returning to capture his mouth, to possess it.
"I don't think so," Jim said when he could speak.
"You have no say. It has been decided," Spock informed him, releasing him with one hand to use the other to pull up Jim's shirts.
"No it has not been decided," Jim corrected with a snarl. "You will release me. Now."
Spock shook his head, not otherwise responding as he pulled Jim's shirts over his resisting arms. "This is a struggle you will not win."
"You won't win either. I'll have you court-martialed."
Spock shook his head again, wrapping the ruined shirts tightly around Jim's wrists, effectively immobilizing his arms. It made no difference how much Jim struggled against the tatters of his shirts, they remained firm, his hands useless.
"Don't do this, Spock. There must be some other way," Jim said at the same time trying to use his bound wrists as a club to prevent Spock from removing his pants.
"No other way," Spock said. "Struggling against me harms only you."
"I'll harm you as soon as I get the chance," Jim said, biting Spock's shoulder hard enough to draw blood. Rather than retaliate, Spock moaned, pulling Jim tighter against his, Jim all too aware of Spock's hard cock pressed between them. Spock bit Jim, not as hard but still painful, making Spock moan and Jim gasp. "Shit."
"Do you understand now that you will not win?" Spock asked, opening Jim's pants and shoving them down.
"Do you understand that I'm on duty and someone is going to come find me?" Jim said as he attempted to kick Spock who was kneeling before him to pull his pants and undershorts the rest of the way down. Spock rose, using the belt of his mediation robe to gag Jim so he could make no further verbal protests. He turned Jim's back toward him and forced him to bend face down over the table where they had spent so many pleasant nights playing chess or eating or simply talking. Those days were over, never to be recaptured.
"Commander Spock to Lt. McKenna," Spock said into his intercom, sounding unbelievably normal. "The Captain and I will be in confidential discussions concerning our next mission. We are not to be disturbed."
"Understood, sir," McKenna responded. Jim could hear the concern and uncertainty in his voice but that knowledge did him no good, bound and gagged face down on Spock's table. In retrospect, Jim realized he shouldn't have reminded Spock that he was on duty because then someone would have come for him. But by the time they arrived, it would have been too late.
"You pretend as though you do not know, do not understand," Spock said, running his hands up and down Jim's back, caressing him, feeling the finely toned muscles and bone beneath the beautiful skin of his captive. "You do understand. You burn as I do. We are meant to be."
Jim shook his head, trying to move out from under Spock's hands, trying to escape the words and the touches. This was not how it was meant to be. He was sure of it.
"Even if we had gotten to New Vulcan, I would still have made you mine. You are mine, James Kirk."
Jim shook his head again, straining to see over his shoulder at what Spock was doing, He had to close his eyes when Spock shrugged out of his robe, his engorged cock huge and dripping.
"I know you have experience with men. Still, I will be gentle," Spock said. Jim felt the unmistakable motions of Spock coating himself, one of Spock's warm, slick fingers probing his opening. "You must relax. The damage will be minimized," Spock said in a surprisingly gentle voice. His finger slipped into Jim's tight opening, caressing him and waiting for Jim's body to accept the intrusion. When Spock felt him loosening, he added a second finger, then a third entering to scissor him open. Jim grunted against the unfamiliar intrusion. In truth it had been many years since he'd allowed any man to enter him. He preferred to be in control, in sex if not of his life as he formerly led it. The third finger was too much, hurting him and making him groan around the gag.
"Relax," Spock coaxed, a fourth finger slipping in making Jim redouble his efforts to escape the pain Spock was causing him. But Spock's hand was firmly in the center of his back, immobilizing him far too easily. "I will enter you now," Spock said, some of the feral tone returning as he leaned over Jim, impaling him with one rough shove.
Jim nearly screamed into his gag, the pain threatening to split him in half. Even when he had allowed penetration, it had never been with a cock this large, this massive, this inhumanly hot. It filled him completely, making it impossible breathe, to think, to do anything but close his eyes and pray he survived Spock's assault.
"Relax," Spock whispered into his ear before biting it. "Your body will accommodate me."
Jim shook his head, willing himself to relax, concentrating on living through this. His mind was having a hard time processing everything that had happened, was happening. He was being raped by Spock, by his best friend, by one of the few people in this universe he believed he could trust unconditionally, to count on in any circumstance. Those beliefs had been torn to shreds, tattered along with his uniform. How could Spock do this to him? Rape him, hurt him, take what he needed?
Jim tried even harder to evade Spock when he reached up for the meld points. "Completion will come only through joining bodies and minds," Spock told him.
Jim thought of the most horrifying experiences he had endured throughout his life, anger, frustration, fear greeting Spock's mind when it entered Jim's. Spock was not deterred by the emotions Jim was trying to use to shield his mind, the pathways to his true essence as familiar to Spock as the corridors of the Enterprise. They had only melded twice before, both times in the emergency situations, but those two times were enough to show Spock the way past Jim's barriers to find the real core of James Kirk.
//I can't believe you would do this to me,// Jim said, his internal self chained facing a wall, his spread legs secured to the floor.
//You know you are the one for me,// Spock replied, caressing Jim's back and shoulders.
//Don't touch me,// Jim said in anger, turning his face away from Spock.
//You cannot deny the truth of it, t'hy'la.//
//I am not your t'hy'la. How dare you use that word for me while you are raping me.//
//You will be my t'hy'la. It would not be rape if you would admit that your desire matches my own,// Spock said, kissing his neck, his hands running up and down his sides, raising goose bumps.
//It was never my desire. It was always yours. They were your dreams. Not mine,// Jim ground out.
//Your dreams matched mine, as your desire is a reflection of mine.//
//I don't desire you. I hate you. More than I ever did when we first met,// Jim told him.
//You do not hate me. You desire me as I do you. You can lie to yourself. You cannot lie to me,// Spock assured him, kissing him again.
//I hate you. As soon as you release me, I'm having you confined to the brig until I can have you removed from my ship.//
//It is our ship, t'hy'la. You do not want to be on it if I am not.//
//That may have been true once. No longer. I won't have a rapist on my Command Crew.//
Spock sighed and kissed him again, reaching around his taut body to gently grasp Jim's erection. //This gives lie to everything you've said.//
//It's a physiological response. I'd be hard if it were a broomstick instead of your green cock fucking me.//
//You know that is not true, t'hy'la,// Spock said, caressing his actual and image bodies, his hands touching Jim knowingly as though this was not the first time they had ever engaged in sex.
Jim growled at him, fighting the erection that was firming even more in mockery of his attempts at control. It was horrifying, what Spock was doing. Taking him, using him, raping him. Touching him as though Spock knew what Jim wanted, needed, desired.
//I do know. I know you as well as I know myself. Because this is the second time we have been meant for each other.//
//You're telling me the first Spock raped the first Jim?//
//He also waited too late to explain. But his T'Pring was not dead, his planet not destroyed. That did not alter the fact that Jim was meant to be his, just as you are mine.//
//T'Pring. Who the hell is T'Pring?//
//She who would have been my wife,// Spock said as if that cleared it all up.
//What? Did Uhura know about her?//
//No. There was never any reason for me to tell Nyota. She knew I was not meant for her.//
//Too bad she dumped you. You wouldn't have to resort to raping me,// Jim snarled at him.
Spock shook his head, pumping Jim's erection more firmly. //I broke it off with her. She understood the truth.//
//Stop touching me, you bastard.//
Spock ignored him, thrusting into Jim's body in time with his caresses of Jim's slick erection. Jim groaned when Spock withdrew almost completely, slamming back into his body and exploding in a shattering orgasm. Jim had no time to consider Spock's release when he followed, his betraying cock responding to Spock rather than his mental instructions to wilt.
Spock was laying over him when they separated mentally, physically still joined, Spock's softening cock warming and hurting Jim on the inside. Spock kissed Jim's back as he reached up and untied the gag, Jim coughing in reaction.
"Get off me," Jim whispered around the fibers coating his tongue and mouth.
Spock ignored him except for kissing the back of his neck, lightly biting his shoulders. "I will get you some water."
"I don't want water. I want Security," Jim informed him.
Spock shook his head, slowly withdrawing and standing behind Jim, caressing his bruised ass. Spock placed one firm hand in the center of Jim's back, ensuring he would remain face down on the table as he reached over with the other for a glass of water from the dispenser. Spock allowed Jim to raise up enough to drink the water, emptying the glass. Jim considered spitting it in Spock's face but figured it'd do no good and he'd rather drink it than waste it.
"You are welcome to spit at me," Spock told him, getting him more water. "It will not change anything."
"Get out of my head."
"I do not need to be melded with you to know what you are thinking," Spock assured him. "The next time we mate, the meld will become permanent and we will bond."
"There won't be a next time," Jim informed him.
Spock shook his head again. "It is not your decision. Even if it were, you would choose the same path."
"Stop saying that, you smug bastard. What in God's name would make you think I would willingly have sex with you, much less be permanently bound to you?"
"I know of the dreams you have been having," Spock reminded him. "Dreams of heat and fire and need. They are the same as mine."
"Vulcans don't dream."
"With the onset of pon farr we do. As do our bondmates so that we are both ready for what occurs. That is why you could not control the content of your dreams. They were preparing you."
"To be raped?" Jim demanded, slowly standing up with Spock's assistance.
"If you would admit to your feelings for me, it would be consensual."
"The only feelings I have for you are contempt and disgust," Jim said, looking at Spock with fierce blue eyes.
"I am not restraining you. Yet you have not left."
"I'm naked, you ass. My ass is bleeding. You are out of your fucking mind if you think I'm going into the hallway like this."
"You can call Dr. McCoy. He will come give you what you need," Spock said, his tone one of amusement mixed with coaxing. Jim found it irritatingly attractive and he cursed himself for it. He could not look away as Spock lay crossway on his bunk, his legs apart, his cock once again engorged.
"Shut the fuck up," Jim retorted.
Spock smiled at that, shaking his head. "You are free to go," Spock said in taunting, casually reaching down to stroke his erection.
"Stop doing that."
"Do you prefer to do it for me?" Spock asked, licking his lips.
Jim shook his head, holding out his arms, a silent request. Spock locked eyes with him, slowly and sensually releasing his cock to use both hands to free Jim's. Spock did not break eye contact as he threw the ruined shirts to the floor.
"Tell me," Spock coaxed, reaching out to gently grasp Jim's firming erection and pull him closer.
"How can I want you to…when I hate you?" Jim demanded, his hips thrusting forward as Spock continued to caress him.
"You do not hate me, t'hy'la. You are not capable of it."
"You raped me."
Spock shook his head, pulling Jim down next to him. "Do you really believe that?"
"Yes. I didn't consent," Jim said, sitting up in an attempt to retain some control, which he acknowledged was a loosing battle.
"You did not need to consent. You have always been mine."
"You know the truth of it, Jim. Why do you continue to lie to yourself?"
"What did you mean? The bond will be permanent?" Jim asked, watching as Spock untangled his ruined pants from around his ankles.
"The next time we make love, the bond will become a mating bond. We will be permanently attached. I will know your thoughts as you will know mine."
"A permanent mind meld?"
"Yes. We can be separate when mental distance is required. We will always be aware of one another," Spock explained.
"When I first got here, you told me to go," Jim said with an implied question.
"I wanted you to make the choice. But you already had," Spock reminded him.
"It was still rape," Jim said, shifting backward a little, trying valiantly to convince himself of the truth of those words. Why did his indignation keep slipping away? Where was his anger, his regret, his fucking sense?
"Because you chose for it to be, t'hy'la. I will not apologize for giving us both what we wanted."
"I never wanted you to take me by force," Jim said, realizing the truth he had inadvertently revealed.
"Yes you did. Only by denying me could you tell yourself you had no choice but to acquiesce."
Jim shook his head, standing up and looking down at Spock. "I need a shower."
Spock nodded, watching Jim limp over to his bathroom, allowing him the solitude he was not sure Jim truly wanted.
Jim took his muddled thoughts and battered body into the bathroom, turning the shower as hot as he could stand. What the fuck just happened? When did his anger, his outrage morph into …acceptance? How was that possible? Spock raped him, violated his body and his mind. Instead of calling Security to have him thrown in the brig, Jim was taking a shower in Spock's bathroom, using Spock's soap to erase the remnants of his actions, to stroke an erection he did not want to have as a reminder.
Jim couldn't stop the questions buzzing through his hazy brain as he lingered under the cascade of hot water: had he lost all reason? All sense? What the hell? How did he feel about Spock? Now and before now? Why did the world feel suddenly upside down? As though everything he thought he knew was no longer valid? What had invalidated all the truths he had known with certainty? He was James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, the youngest ever to be made Captain. He had everything he had ever wanted. Did that include Spock? Did he want Spock? Had he wanted Spock? What now?
Even before Spock reached in to turn off the shower, Jim knew he had entered the bathroom, feeling his presence. "Come t'hy'la," Spock coaxed with a towel ready to receive him.
"Why don't I hate you? I want to," Jim said as Spock dried him with tenderness and care.
"You do not wish that. You understand. I did what was required. As I will again. And you will not resist. You will surrender yourself, your body to me."
"No," Jim said, shaking his head in a denial he did not feel.
"You know there is no alternative," Spock said with surprising gentleness.
Jim sighed, looking down at Spock as he dried his feet. "Who is T'Pring?"
"We were bonded as children. It was the tradition of Vulcans. She died when the planet did."
"Oh. Why didn't you find a new bondmate?" Jim asked as Spock straightened before him.
"I did," Spock said, his very warm hand caressing Jim's cheek.
"Don't you think you should have asked me? I mean…did you know I'd say yes?" Jim had to ask, trying desperately to understand.
"I know you as well as I know myself. As well as you know me. I know that you have a difficult time laying aside your authority to admit what you want. I know that you believe being involved with one of your crew could damage your command. And I know that you love me."
Jim shook his head again. "You can't know all that. Some of it's not true."
"Which parts, love?"
"Don't call me that."
"I apologize, Captain," Spock said in an unmistakably teasing tone.
"Not that either," Jim said, going out of the bathroom with Spock. "I want to hate you. I don't want to know you are right."
Spock shook his head, very gently kissing Jim's mouth, Jim kissing him in return. It was not a reluctant kiss nor was it an especially passionate kiss, not yet. They both felt the promise of more.
"I need to contact McKenna. And Dr. McCoy," Jim said quietly.
Jim shook his head. "I have no intention of having you arrested."
Spock gave his version of a smile, helping Jim into one of his bathrobes before conducting ship's business.
Jim sat at Spock's desk, relaying the information he needed to provide to those who would by now be missing him. "I'm fine, Bones. I'll explain it all tonight, I promise."
"You need anything?" Dr. McCoy asked him gently.
"No. Thanks," Jim said signing off. "What now?" he said looking up at Spock, his voice and eyes surprisingly flat.
"You need to eat," Spock said, going to his replicator for waffles with strawberries.
"What about you?" Jim asked, sipping the water Spock gave him even though he really wanted coffee. He instinctively knew why Spock did not give him any.
"I will eat tomorrow. When the fever has subsided," Spock said, sitting next to him as Jim looked at the waffle in indifference. "Would you prefer something else?"
Jim shook his head, eating a fat strawberry coated with whipped cream.
"Explain to me about pon farr," Jim said, cutting up his waffle before eating small bites of it.
Spock told him about the mating cycle and how it generally occurred every seven years. His mixed heritage made his cycle unpredictable and had caught him unaware. He had heard that the destruction of Vulcan had been disruptive to many of the survivors' cycles as well, throwing the normal predictability into disarray.
"So if…when…if we're bonded, we would enter it together," Jim said as though trying to make sure he had the relevant facts before making a command decision.
"You will feel it to a lesser degree. You will be drawn to me as I will be to you. As you are now. That is what caused your dreams. Your need of me."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jim asked, offering Spock a strawberry which he accepted, his lips warm around Jim's finger tips.
"I erred in not informing you," Spock conceded.
"You were afraid I'd refuse. I'd bolt. Coming to you made it my decision," Jim said in certainty although how he knew so unquestioningly was not clear to him.
"I believe in retrospect that was part of it. Just as you would not willing surrender yourself to my needs," Spock agreed.
Jim studied Spock with an almost unnerving intensity, looking for answers which surely Spock could provide.
"What do you wish to know?" Spock asked, touching Jim's arm lightly, infusing him with Spock's heat and need and….
Jim withdrew his arm, breaking the connection that had been buzzing between them. "I… uhm… how can I be in command if you are inside my head?"
Spock nodded at that. "I cannot control you, your thoughts. I will be aware of them, not influencing them."
"I won't be subject to you?" Jim had to ask, had to know.
"I need your acquiescence during the fever. After that, no. We will make love. You will not be servicing my needs," Spock promised him.
"You need to dominate me," Jim stated.
"During pon farr."
Jim shook his head at his words. "You should have explained, Spock. I don't know if I trust what you are saying. I felt your need to control me when you were…."
"If we had made love prior to today, you would not have felt the same," Spock said gently.
"That's what I mean. If you had come to me last week. Explained what was going to happen. You have to see why it… concerns me. The way this… we've started off. You are very good at being my First Officer, listening to me, following my orders. But I'm aware that you sometimes bristle at my authority. You could have been Captain if I hadn't committed mutiny."
"I was never meant to be Captain. You know this, love. We are in the places we are meant to be. If you perceive that I chaff under your command, I regret that. It is never intentional. I would choose to serve no other Captain. Serve no one but you."
"Yet you are asking that I serve you," Jim said quietly. "Relinquish who I am to be who you need me to be. Oh crap. Did that even make sense?"
"Perfect sense," Spock assured him. "And I understand your concern. I can do nothing other than give you my word that pon farr is madness and drives us to make demands we would never otherwise think of asking of our mates."
Jim slowly nodded at that, studying the waffle on his plate. He would have continued to poke at it with his fork but Spock took it away, stilling his restless movements.
"Tell me what you are thinking," Spock requested.
"You don't know?" Jim asked, looking up at Spock, confusion and uncertainty clouding his eyes.
"I will not enter where I am neither invited nor welcome," Spock said softly.
Jim stood, removing the borrowed robe. "Are you in love with me, Spock? All of me?"
"Why did you disrobe before asking me?"
"So your head would be spinning as badly as mine is," Jim said, taking one step backward toward the bed. "Are you?"
"Yes. I love you in every way. Without condition or reservation," Spock said, his words an oath, a vow.
Jim took a second step back toward the bed, still staring at Spock. "Do I love you?"
"How do you know?" Jim asked, stopping when the back of his knees were pressed up against the mattress.
"I feel it. I see it. It is a part of who you are. You have loved me almost as long as you have known me. Only slightly longer than I have loved you."
"Then why didn't you tell me?" Jim asked.
"Why did you keep it a secret?"
"It was a secret from me too. The first Spock tried to tell me but we were too busy hating each other. I couldn't believe it was true. I'm not entirely sure it is. But here I am."
"You are willing to allow me to use you, bond with you when you are not certain of your feelings for me?" Spock asked, still in his chair studying Jim.
"I am certain of your feelings. And I know that first-Spock and first-Jim were bonded. I'm willing to take the leap of faith. Because what I feel for you is truer and more than I have ever felt for anyone. Maybe it is love. Maybe I have no facts on which to base my hypothesis."
"I have facts enough for us both," Spock said. He rose to accept Jim's extended hand, kissing Jim firmly on the mouth and tumbling with him on the fresh sheets. If it was love, they had both found what they needed. If it wasn't, they were content to wait until they could find a different word to describe it. Because the here and now of it was pretty much okay.