|Say No To Camping
Author: I think therfore I am PM
The Wizard confronts the Tin Woodman about his detailed pamphlets on camping. Written by both myself and Rubidia.Rated: Fiction K - English - Words: 957 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Published: 02-07-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5725928
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Introduction: During an obviously very important discussion on Oz history, we came up with a very plausible theory: The Wizard's main goal in life is to go camping with someone. Anyone. (It made sense in context…) So, of course, he asked everyone he knew in the Land of Oz to go camping with him at one time or another. And every single time he went camping, horrible things would happen. Once, he persuaded the Tin Woodman to go camping with him. And of course, something horrible happened. Since the Tin Woodman apparently doesn't do anything, he, obviously, had time to type out extensively detailed pamphlets on why you should not go camping with the Wizard: Just Say No.
Here's what happens when the Wizard discovers the existence of said pamphlets:
The Tin Woodman is seen standing on a street corner of the Emerald City, passing out pamphlets. The Wizard approaches.
Wizard, brandishing pamphlet: Nick, what is this?
Nick: Ummmm…it's a pamphlet…
Wizard: Yeah, a pamphlet about why you shouldn't go camping with me.
Nick: Is it really?
Nick: Interesting that someone has such strong feelings about camping with you that they take the time to write out an extensive pamphlet about it.
Wizard: Yeah, what a loser that would be.
Nick: It's almost as it they had some sort of traumatic experience, like being swallowed whole by a giant iguana!
Wizard: Okay, that happened once.
Nick: It only needs to happen once!
Wizard: Name one other time when something like that happened to you.
Nick: Well, there was the one time when I was chopped up by a wicked witch. There's always that…
Wizard: I don't know why you keep bringing that up.
Nick: Or how about the time when I was transformed into a little pig shaped whistle.
Wizard: Look, I wasn't even there for that!
Nick: Or when I was dropped from a great height by a flying monkey.
Wizard: It wasn't my flying monkey!
Nick: Or when I was turned into a tin owl.
Wizard: But you were so cute!
Nick: Or when I went on a great quest to find my long forgotten love, only to discover that she'd married a man made out of parts of me!
Wizard: Okay, I don't even know what point you're trying to prove with all of this. What does this have to do with my camping?
Nick: My point is that your camping trip was the icing on the cake of my misfortune! No longer shall I sit by idly while horrible events keep passing me by, and then colliding into me, careening me off into the side of the road, where I sit, bleeding in a ditch! I'm taking action this time. I'm making pamphlets!
Wizard: I thought you said you didn't make those pamphlets!
Nick: I didn't!
Wizard: But you just said you did!
Nick: I did not!
Wizard: But there's an About the Author page! It has your photograph!
Nick: …huh…Well that's weird…
Nick: Okay, fine, I did make the pamphlets. But it's not just me. Think back to your last few camping trips.
Dramatic montage plays under the Wizard's narration.
Wizard: Well, I'll admit that the time Dorothy and I got swallowed into the Earth was pretty bad…And there was the time when Glinda and I ended up in the dessert, and, well, her hair got all frizzy. And Button Bright…well, I didn't even try to look for him. But, you have to admit, it was not my fault when Ojo and I got eaten by a plant. Plants just hate him!
Nick: Yeah, I've noticed that, too. Who knew things that couldn't move could be so violent?
Wizard: And then the Wogglebug got eaten by…you know, that one…thing…He got better, though! And the Scarecrow…well, we eventually found his brains.
Nick: You guys know that that's not really-
Wizard: Don't shatter my delusions, okay? Betsy and Trot, well, there was that weird fog that day…And then Scraps…oh my god, remind me never to spend the night with her again. She just goes on and on and on!
Nick: You see, so it's not just me! I have to protect the public from this! That's why I went into politics.
Wizard: It is?
Nick: More or less.
They stare at each other in silence for a while. Then the Wizard bursts into tears.
Wizard: I'll never go camping again!
Nick: There, there. You can go fishing instead! It's like camping, just with fish, and less sleeping outdoors.
Wizard: But I don't want to go fishing! I want to sleep out under the stars.
Nick: Well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. When I was a kid, you slept under the stars, you got eaten by an animal.
Wizard: You know, I've heard stories about your childhood, and I'm beginning to wonder why you're so worked up over my camping trips!
Nick: What's wrong with my childhood?
Wizard: People got eaten!
Nick: Only the slow people!
Dorothy: What are you two doing?
Nick: Sharing anecdotes about our childhoods.
Dorothy: Yeah, I kind of wrote a pamphlet against that.
Nick: Look, they were short anecdotes!
Wizard, addressing the audience: Remember kids: No one wants to hear your life's story.
Nick, also addressing the audience: And also remember, never go camping with this man!
Wizard: Don't you have a fourth of a country to rule?
Nick: Not til three.