BLINDING

Prologue: Epiphany

BPOV

October 31: Halloween Night:

The night was unseasonably mild for late October in Forks, Washington. I leaned my head back slightly, closed my eyes, and breathed in the night air. I felt…uneasy.

There was something indiscernible in the air tonight. Not the cool, crisp undercurrent of autumn in the air. Not the wafting smell of neighbors' burning leaves in the air. Not the images of shadows being cast by the blood red and golden leaves falling from the trees - nor the stillness of the dead, dried ones on the ground. Not the eerie rustle of the light wind whispering in the trees. Not even the feel of the coolness of the concrete beneath me.

Although I did take in all of those things as I sat outside on the front steps of my modest, white-framed house I was renting this semester.

This wasn't something you could easily detect with one of your five senses. Maybe it was something you would be able to define with your sixth sense if you believed in that sort of thing. My new friend Alice certainly did. But I, Bella Swan, generally did not…although that was changing.

Lately I wasn't sure what I believed in anymore. I was starting to question a number of things. It was confusing and I didn't like it. I just knew I needed to get back on track, and tonight was the night to finally finish what had started more than eight weeks ago.

Eight weeks that now felt like a lifetime ago.

It was 9:00 at night. Edward Cullen was due to pick me up at any moment.

Not surprisingly, we'd met and had become friends over these last seven weeks since my arrival in Forks, and subsequent late-enrollment into my junior year of pre-law at tiny, but prestigious, Hale College. As expected, Edward and I shared many classes, as he was a pre-law student as well. Ironic…and convenient.

Despite the stellar reputation of Hale College, he had been rather perplexed as to why I would choose to transfer from Pepperdine in sunny, lively Malibu, California to dreary, quiet Forks.

Of course, I could not tell him the real reason. Only a handful of people knew that and not one of them lived in the state of Washington.

Therefore, I had fabricated a story about wanting to start a new life somewhere completely different. It was a really lame, bullshit story, but he apparently bought it. At least he never questioned me further.

9:07 PM: My cell vibrated, indicating I had a new text from Edward.

On my way. 5 mins. bringing some booze from dad's old stash. now I really do feel like I'm 17 again. fuck. btw ur crazy swan.

I couldn't help but smile to myself. At least Edward was keeping a sense of humor about our unconventional idea on how to spend Halloween night…or rather, my unconventional idea.

Since neither of us had even a remote desire to attend any of the numerous Halloween parties around town, we'd decided to do something just the two of us. He had suggested we just stay in, get a little drunk, and maybe watch a movie. But I had made the decision that Halloween night might actually be the perfect night to finally get the answers I still needed to finish what had started weeks ago.

However, I knew we were going to need to be in a very remote location to pull that one off successfully.

When I had suggested maybe getting drunk in the woods somewhere instead, Edward had looked at me like I'd lost my mind…and then he had laughed at me…hysterically.

"Swan, we're both fucking twenty-one. We don't have to go hide out in the woods like some kind of fucking teenagers to drink…I think the last time I did that I was like…seventeen or some shit. If you don't want to stay in at your house, then we can just hang out at mine," he had offered in exasperation. "Besides, Alice and Jasper are going to be at Rosalie's party, so we can get drunk in fucking peace at my house."

I knew he'd been alluding to his sister's loquaciousness.

Alice is adorable, but she sure does like to talk…a lot.

Edward and Alice live in their parents' house. Scratch that. They live in their parents' mansion. Their parents, Carlisle and Esme, are wealthy enough to spend their time traveling the globe almost nonstop, thus leaving their beautiful contemporary home in the care of their only two offspring.

Since I certainly did not care be at either of our houses for what I was planning, I'd had to think fast on that one. "Didn't you mention some pretty meadow…or something…where you used to go to be alone…or whatever? We could go there." I had stated - more than asked.

Edward had looked at me strangely, but acquiesced. "Sure, Swan...we can go to the meadow, but it's not going to be too fucking 'pretty' this time of year. But yeah – I'll show it to you. It's actually back that road I pointed out to you the other day."

"Oh yeah, I remember," I'd answered.

I have a photographic memory and knew exactly where the road was that he had pointed out to me the other day in passing.

It was damn-smack-in-the-middle-of-nowhere. It would be perfect for my plan.

This was going to be the night…unbeknownst to Edward Cullen.

Oddly, now I was beginning to have second-thoughts about tonight.

I usually did not have second-thoughts or second-guess things. That was…until the last several weeks.

Something was changing.

This whole thing was turning out to be far more complicated than I originally thought it would be.

That was probably why I felt that certain something in the air tonight.

I knew I was still missing vital information.

Something else was off though.

Was it me?

Things were certainly different than they had been in mid-September.

What had changed?

I just had to figure out why I felt so…conflicted.

Was it because I foolishly allowed myself to really become Edward's friend?

Was it because we shared so many classes together…and usually ended up having quite a bit of fun in them?

Was it because we kept saving each other…from ourselves?

Maybe it was because I really liked this Edward I had grown to know throughout this time.

I was having a lot trouble reconciling this man with the man I knew he very well could be.

That was why I needed some answers…from him…tonight.

9:15 PM: I caught a glimpse of Edward's silver Range Rover approaching my house, thus thankfully breaking me out of my reverie of anguish.

I stood up, brushed off my skinny jeans and popped open one more button on my thin white cotton blouse. Now if I leaned over at just the right angle, the top of my white lacy bra would be visible. I fluffed up my long chestnut-brown hair and pinched my cheeks to add a little color to my pale, porcelain-like complexion. I already had some light make-up on, but Edward was a guy and these little things would only serve to distract him just enough that he wouldn't suspect a thing. I only wished I could wear my favorite Christian Louboutin thigh-high boots. However, I didn't think the four-inch heels would prove to be very practical in the woods, so I opted for my favorite sneakers instead…not exactly sexy, but much more practical. I grabbed my black leather purse off the step - feeling burdened by the extra weight in it tonight.

No more questions tonight…only answers.

Edward pulled into my driveway and met me halfway on the walkway.

I caught him totally checking me out before he pretended to be suddenly interested in the front door of my house. Guess I didn't really need to wear those sexy boots after all.

I almost always caught Edward checking me out, even when he obviously thought he was being sly. Lately he was doing it more often.

Although this time he definitely knew he was busted. His cheeks reddened slightly.

"All locked up?" he said, clearing his throat and running his fingers through his coppery-bronze hair. It was a nervous habit I had noticed the first day I met him. I couldn't help but smile at his obvious embarrassment, not to mention his now even-messier than usual hair.

There was no denying it - Edward really was incredibly attractive.

I tried very hard not to think of him in that way.

It wasn't easy.

Things were already confusing enough trying to maintain this friendship with him.

I looked at him standing there in his jeans and grey long-sleeved t-shirt. His clothes always accentuated his muscles perfectly. Edward was tall and lean, but his body was strong and powerful. I couldn't help but think he really did look like he just stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad…maybe even better with his coppery-bronze 'look-like-I-just-got-laid' hair, striking emerald-green eyes, and strong jaw line. Edward Cullen was definitely beyond-gorgeous.

Confusion and guilt washed over me once again. I forgot what Edward had even asked me.

"What are you going on about, Cullen?"

Edward raised an eyebrow at me. "I was asking if you locked your front door. This may be fucking Forks, but you still have to be careful and shit, Swan."

The many levels of irony in that statement made me laugh…out loud.

"Yeah, the door is locked," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "But I think I can take care of myself. After all…I am armed."

I immediately froze and inwardly-cringed, realizing what a really stupid thing that was to say. Especially since I was armed…heavily-armed.

And - very adept at handling a multitude of weapons, mostly thanks to Felix.

His eyes widened in surprise.

Then it seemed like he was actually getting turned on by the thought. Something flickered in his eyes…as they darkened. He shuffled uncomfortably…as did I.

The tension was palpable. Our eyes met and I saw a hunger in his. His look was primal and animalistic. I couldn't tear my gaze away from his, because, frankly, the way he was looking at me was alluring. I found myself wanting Edward Cullen in ways that were probably illegal.

Nothing good could come of this. I needed to change the subject and lighten the atmosphere.

"Cullen, have you been drinking already?" I said accusingly, but with a grin.

The tension was thankfully broken. Edward exhaled loudly and turned to walk towards his vehicle as I followed.

"Nope…but I'm sure-as-shit starting now…so you're driving," he said as he threw me the key over the roof of the Range Rover.

"Fine," I replied as I caught the key and got in on the driver's side.

While Edward was busy buckling up on the passenger's side, I swiftly slid my purse under the seat.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, as I drove through the inky-blackness of the night. The full moon was shrouded by a veil of clouds, so the night was darker than usual.

In my peripheral vision, I watched as Edward lifted the bottle of thirty-year old Glenfiddich to his lips and took a long drink. He shuddered slightly as he swallowed.

In this limited illumination, his profile was still achingly-beautiful.

God - even when he was getting drunk on a two-hundred and fifty dollar bottle of scotch whiskey he still somehow managed to look like a male model. Unbelievable.

I sighed and reached for the bottle, having not had a single drop of alcohol yet this night.

Nonetheless, I was beginning to feel somewhat intoxicated already by that indiscernible something in the air.

Edward shifted the bottle away from me and threw me a crooked smile. "A little anxious there, Swan? Remember...no drinking and driving," he said jokingly. But I knew he was serious.

That was another thing confusing the-living-hell out of me. Edward was such a seemingly-good and caring person, especially to me. I knew he had a dark side that loved to party some and get into fights. But the partying was no more excessive than any other pre-law college student letting off a little steam…myself included.

And the fighting was usually due to Edward's hair-trigger temper when it came to injustices against people unable to defend themselves.

I had witnessed one incident myself, and knowing what I know, I found him to be incredibly strong, fast, and agile in his fighting-style. Even Felix would've been impressed. And from what I had been told, apparently Edward never lost a fight. He came out not only victorious and looking like the hero, but unscathed as well.

Something had to be amiss in the information I'd been given. Could there really be an even darker side to Edward I just had yet to witness?

I would find out tonight.

I was really starting to need that drink. The feelings of guilt and even more confusion were beginning to re-surface.

"Oh, shut-up, Cullen. We'll be there in a minute anyway." I said a little too sharply, grabbing the bottle from him.

For the briefest of seconds, our hands touched and we both let out barely-audible gasps in unison.

There it was…that inexplicable electricity that was always between us. Crazy.

I knew he felt it as well. It was just another part of this mess that left me confounded.

In the last several weeks of getting to know Edward, every touch or accidental brush of any part of our bodies left us with that same feeling of…some form of energy – like electricity. I had discovered whatever it was we felt when we touched could also be...comforting and soothing to us both.

There were two incidents in particular that stood out in my mind.

But I couldn't allow myself to dwell on those incidents tonight.

They were already really fucking with my reason for even being here in Forks…let alone my ultimate plan for Edward Cullen.

Surprisingly, I found myself silently hoping and praying for some divine intervention to stop me from my plan. Because I just somehow knew that Edward couldn't have done what I was told he may have done. I was going to need more time. Maybe tonight wasn't the right night for my plan after all. Strangely, that thought made me feel both better and worse. I couldn't even allow myself to think about why that would be.

We were getting close to the hidden road Edward had pointed out to me the other day. I slowed the vehicle and made the turn into the barely-discernable gravel that was indeed the mouth of an old, obviously rarely-used road. I stopped for a moment and finally drank from the bottle, enjoying the warmth of the alcohol…and waiting for it to calm my mind.

Damn – the whiskey was exceptionally good. The Cullens certainly had a taste for the finer things in life. I had to give them that. Had we found ourselves in a different world, under different circumstances, our families may have ended up being friends with one another. I sighed.

I took another long drink. I shuddered slightly, just as Edward had done earlier. I felt his eyes upon me, but I kept my gaze on the road ahead…if one could even call it a 'road.'

"Are you sure we'll be alone up there?" I motioned forward to the narrow tunnel of blackness - shrouded by an overgrowth of gnarled branches.

"I'm sure, Bella," Edward whispered in a voice that sounded kind of…well…sultry.

Hmmm…definitely sultry.

And…why was Edward calling me by my first name now?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and then took another now much-needed drink. I flipped on the high-beams before throwing the Range Rover back into drive. I started forward slowly. I noticed an old, rusty chain lying on the ground across our path. It looked as if it had been there for quite some time now. There were still tiny bits of shiny metal that ran along the length of the mostly-rusted chain. They glimmered under the bright headlights as I inched over the fallen chain and forward into the ominous blackness. The only sound was the crinkling of the freshly-fallen leaves under the tires as we slowly drove over them. We silently passed the Glenfiddich back and forth, each of us lost in our own thoughts. An occasional branch scraped at the windows. They reminded me of the shriveled fingers of the dead - warning me to stop now.

The dead.

My throat tightened.

Whatever happened tonight….there would be no going back. I would perhaps go through with my plan as directed or end up baring my soul to this man beside me. I knew that the Bella I was - or the Edward he was - would cease to be after this night.

After what felt like forever - but in reality had probably only been about ten minutes or so - we came upon a fallen tree blocking the entrance to a clearing. As the clouds began to disperse, the clearing, which looked to me like a dried-up meadow of some sort, was suddenly bathed in silvery moonlight. Everything appeared in monochrome – all black, white, and many shades of grey.

I turned the headlights off and shut down the engine.

"In the springtime…it's fucking beautiful, Bella." Edward's voice startled me a little as he spoke in a hushed tone - breaking the silence.

As we both gazed ahead at the oddly-illuminated meadow, Edward slowly reached over and placed his hand on my jean-clad knee. More electricity. But neither of us pulled away this time. He traced the outer seam of my jeans lightly with his index finger...inching up my thigh…ever so slowly. This was out-of-character for Edward. He had never touched me so…provocatively. I watched his hand move along my thigh…while a myriad of thoughts ran through my head.

He leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "I'll bring you back up here then. There will be wildflowers everywhere. You'll fucking love it, Bella."

Edward swore a lot, but this time the way he said 'fucking' made my body respond instantly. I felt an ache and a longing deep in my core. I suddenly began to wonder what it would feel like if Edward were to slide his hand between my thighs. Fuck.

My head was reeling now…between the whiskey, the soft touches, Edward's silken voice. I forgot about my real reason for even being here.

I had to regain control. My heart was racing. I needed some air.

"L-let's get out," I said shakily, as I opened the door - pulling away from Edward in the process. I heard him chuckle as I stepped down from the vehicle. I started to close the door.

"How 'bout some music?" he purred.

He turned the stereo on before I could even answer. Instead of finding a radio station to listen to, he slid a CD in.

"This song reminds me of you." I heard him whisper in a too-soft voice.

I don't think he really intended on me hearing. Was he being serious? Maybe he was really drunk?

What song could possibly remind him of me?

The music started and I froze. Fuck. Maybe Edward knew me better than I realized.

In that moment, everything became surreal.

The opening chords of 'Blinding' from Florence and The Machine began to fill the warm night air. I had been listening to that particular song a lot lately, but only when I was alone. There was something in the lyrics that drew me in – spoke to me.

But how could Edward know that?

Seems that I have been held in some dreaming state. A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake.

With lightning speed, Edward was on the driver's side - standing in front of me.

The doors were now closed, but the windows were down...so I could hear the lyrics perfectly. I knew them by heart anyway.

In that moment, I really did feel like I was in a 'dreaming state.'

I only saw images…

Edward taking the last drink from an almost-empty bottle…Edward reaching around me to throw the empty bottle onto the floor of the Range Rover…Edward leaning in closer to me…

I breathed in his delicious scent. It was waking me from my 'dreaming state.'

The moonlight reflected on Edward's face as he gently pushed me up against the door. He placed his hands, palms-down, against the vehicle on either side of my shoulders.

Our eyes met. Something was different.

His face held an expression I had never seen on him before, but I knew what it was.

I swallowed hard.

I had seen that look before in someone else's eyes.

There was lust…but there was something more…something deeper.

I felt something I rarely felt: fear.

I didn't fear the lust in his eyes. It was the other emotion - I wished I hadn't seen - that terrified me.

Because I knew that if Edward looked deeply enough, he would see the same look in my eyes.

Oddly enough, I began to embrace the fear.

Fearing Edward would free me.

It wasn't a physical harm I feared.

It was the fear he unknowingly held the power to undo me.

And I wanted Edward to undo me.

He leaned into me and ran his nose softly along my neck from my collarbone to my jaw. I heard him sigh as he breathed me in. He placed a feather-light kiss on my neck.

No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber. Until I realized that it was you who held me under.

I was dizzy. Maybe he felt the same way, because his breathing hitched as his lips moved to my ear.

"Who are you, Bella Swan?" he whispered.

I wasn't sure if he was asking me…or himself…so I said nothing.

His lips ghosted across my cheek towards my lips.

Our lips barely touched as we lightly breathed against each others mouths.

Neither of us made a move.

My God - far stronger than any hint of scotch whiskey - I inhaled the essence of Edward Cullen.

He was both fire and ice.

Our lips pressed together as we kissed for the first time.

He tasted like icy-hot cinnamon.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and then ran my fingers through his hair and down his back. I slipped my hands up under his t-shirt, feeling tiny goose-bumps rise as I ran my fingertips along his bare skin. His lean back muscles contracted under my touch.

He kissed me harder and I opened my mouth to accept him.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids. Shaking through my skull, through my spine, and down through my ribs.

Our tongues met and I felt like I had never been kissed before this night.

I had never been kissed like this before. Edward Cullen certainly knew how to kiss. He was the perfect blend of gentle and firm. I couldn't get enough of him.

I moved my hands out from under his t-shirt and lowered them to his jeans. I ran my fingers over his oh-so-firm ass.

God – he felt divine.

I pulled him in a little closer.

He groaned into my mouth and pressed himself even further into me. Edward's ass wasn't the only thing firm. As I moaned into his mouth, I felt Edward grow even harder.

His hands were exploring my body as well. It felt as if he were touching me everywhere at once. Even over my jeans and blouse, my body was on fire with desire.

One minute, his fingers were traveling over my breasts; hardening my nipples instantly as he pinched them lightly through the thin cotton and lace.

Next, his hands were cupping my ass, before he slowly slid them down the backs of my thighs.

His lips lowered to my neck again. I felt him licking and biting the tender skin softly.

I moaned again.

"Fuck. I want to feel you, Edward." I heard myself say in a shaky whisper.

I was sure he knew exactly what I meant by those words.

"Fuck…Bella," he groaned into my neck; his hips moving against mine more urgently.

Edward lifted me up with ease and I wrapped my legs around him. He pressed me back against the door a little more roughly this time. Even through our jean layers, I could feel his massive hardness press against my wet core. We moaned against each other's mouths at the same time, and then my lips fell hungrily upon his.

Despite what I had said…and knew he heard, he made no attempt to remove any of my clothing…although our groping…grinding…teasing…and touching…continued unabated.

There was something very erotic about it…moving together as if we weren't fully-clothed.

And then there were the kisses.

I never wanted to stop kissing him, and it seemed he felt the same way.

Our mouths hungrily devoured each other. Tasting…licking…sucking.

I forgot why I was here. I forgot who I was.

Now I knew with clarity what that indefinable sense of something had been earlier.

It was me…on the edge of where I had been…and where I was now.

I knew there would be no turning back.

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone. No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden.

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love.

Is this what love really felt like?

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love.

Was what I had felt in the past something different?

Deep inside, with my body and mouth still entwined with Edward's - I knew it had been.

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world.

Was I in love with Edward Cullen?

If so – and I knew I was – it was wrong on so many levels.

It wasn't who I was supposed to be. Or was it?

I didn't make mistakes like this.

Mistakes - like falling in love with Edward Cullen.

I was always in control.

Always.

But…not anymore.

I was breaking.

Who I thought I was…everything I once thought to be true…was falling apart around me.

And - I didn't even care.

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack.

And all around the world was waking. I never could go back.

'Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open.

And finally it seemed that the spell was broken.

Tears were streaming down my face now. Edward must have felt them.

His hungry kisses slowed, and he stopped grinding his hardness up against me.

"Don't stop," I cried while trying to press myself back into him and feel his need for me again.

He stepped back slightly and my legs slipped back to the earth. If he hadn't still been holding me, I surely would have crumpled to the ground.

"Bella?" He looked at me with more concern than I deserved.

I looked down quickly and closed my eyes, tears still streaming.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

I wished I hadn't seen the genuine worry in his emerald eyes. It only made me feel worse.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked. I shook my head as I opened my eyes and stared at the ground through my tears.

If he only knew…

He had done what no other had ever been able to do - he had broken me.

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open.

He gently lifted my chin so he could look into my face.

"Bella, what are you hiding? I know you're hiding something from me." His eyes implored mine.

I fell limply into his arms and leaned my head against his hard chest.

He held me tightly.

His hands stroked my hair tenderly, as my tears soaked the front of his shirt.

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open.

"Bella look at me."

I looked up at him. What was I hiding?

I only sobbed harder as my eyes met his.

What was I supposed to tell Edward Cullen?

The truth?

And if so - which truth?

The one I just now realized?

That I was in love with him…unconditionally and irrevocably.

Or the real truth?

That I was sent here to Forks to kill him.

That tonight my plan had been to find out his truth…and then probably kill Edward Cullen.