Chapter 15

JJ breathed in deeply; she prayed that her voice sounded steady when she spoke up. "Emily, I'm sorry."

Emily remained silent; she was still staring out of the window, motionless. Her stare was fixing on the Capitol and the glittering lights in the distance. JJ sighed; she bent down to place her bag on the wooden floor before slowly moving forward inch by inch. She was afraid of the profiler's reaction, but right now she wasn't getting a reaction at all. "Emily, I need to explain to you what happened. You got me all wrong; I don't want you as a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits. I want you Emily, all of you."

Still, no reaction came from the dark haired woman in front of the huge window. It was as if she didn't register that there was someone else in the room talking to her, trying to get her attention. JJ tried to look at it positively, at least she hadn't lashed out at her or thrown her out of the apartment, which she was sure Emily could do if she wanted to.

JJ let her eyes travel over the content of the apartment, she wasn't shocked when she noticed the half empty open bottle of Jack on the coffee table. She bit her lip and slowly she stepped forward closer to Emily. She was only a few feet away; if she reached out her arm she could almost touch the brunette. "Emily, I can't love Will..."

"I don't want to hear anymore about Will. This is not about him." Emily said barely audible, so much so that JJ had to strain to hear the words.

JJ moved forward, placing a hand on Emily's shoulder as she moved up close to her; "Please listen to me, this has everything to do with Will and I." She placed her forehead against Emily's shoulder as she brought her other hand around to Emily's other shoulder. She could feel the brunette tense up, but at least she didn't pull away.

"I can't love Will the way I should love him, the way he deserves to be loved, because there's someone else I have feelings for. You Emily, I have feelings for you. And I've tried so many times to tell you. But the last time I tried, you told me what a 'cute' couple he and I would make, and in a split second I decided that you weren't interested in me. After that moment, I thought what I had believed to be true had actually been my mind playing tricks on me, that it was just wishful thinking. That all the flirting had been just for fun, and that it was only me who had these deeper feelings, so I went after him, and I tried ... I tried so hard to make it work, but I can't stop thinking about you. And that isn't fair, he deserves someone who loves him, so you see this has something to do with him but more to do with you."

JJ closed her eyes, trying desperately to keep the tears that threatened to spill inside, she had cried more than enough already in these last couple of days. This would either work out, and she would move on from here, or it wouldn't, which meant that she would have to focus on her new life alone with her son.

"I talked a lot with Garcia these last couple of days; she noticed that I've been struggling. You know how you can't hide anything from her! I was at a point were I could either go forward and let my life go down the drain, or change what I had to, to try and get what I wanted. I choose the latter. Emily, I want you." For good measure she pulled Emily closer to her. "Please Emily, talk to me. I know I screwed up, and that I went about this the wrong way, but I'm trying here. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me for my mistakes."

Emily bowed her head down, her shoulders slumped and the tension left her body. Tears dropped down on JJ's arm, leaving a tear streak on its way down. The blonde was shocked to say the least by Emily's reaction; the older woman breaking down was the last thing she had expected to happen when she stepped into the profiler's apartment. She expected her to be stoic and somewhat distanced, she didn't expect the walls to break down and reveal this emotional, raw side of Emily, one that she rarely showed. JJ moved around Emily slowly so that she was facing the other woman, wrapping her arms around the brunette, hugging her close. All the while she was repeating the mantra of how sorry she was to the profiler, until finally the words died on her lips, and they stood in silence.

It didn't take long before Emily wrapped her arms around the blonde, causing butterflies to flutter in JJ's stomach as a warm feeling spread through her body. She felt so content in Emily's arms, though at the same time she knew that this didn't mean that everything was okay between them, but at least Emily didn't physically push her away.

"The flirting ... it wasn't ... just for fun."

"What?" JJ asked, wondering if she had heard Emily's muffled words right.

"It wasn't just for fun." Emily said again, louder this time; "but when I saw you with Will in Miami I ... I thought that he was what you wanted. A guy that could become your husband and be a father to your children one day. Someone to build a life with; who understood you and the job. A perfect family, all the things that I can never offer you. Why would you settle for that?"

JJ was somewhat taken aback by the profiler's reaction, she had never seen the woman this emotional before. She had expected her to be hurt, but she never thought that Emily would wear her feelings on the outside like she was doing right now. She was waiting to be pushed away either physically or mentally by the other woman, but instead she had broken down and stared to cry. JJ took control of the situation, gently pushing Emily toward the couch she wondered if the older woman was merely 'cooperative' because of the alcohol she had apparently consumed. The bottle was still on the coffee table; the top unscrewed, already half empty, waiting to be finished. JJ was sure that if she hadn't arrived when she did, the bottle would have been empty by now and Emily would have been in a much worse shape. For that reason she was glad that she arrived when she did.

The blonde sat them down, still holding the older woman. Breathing in deeply, JJ tried to gather her thoughts before she spoke. "Emily, don't sell yourself short. You have so much to offer, I don't know who told you differently, but anyone would be lucky to have you in their life." She said, deliberately talking in generalities rather than herself. She didn't know if Emily would ever be able to forgive her for all the pain she had caused.

"I never meant to cause you so much pain, I just assumed that you weren't interested in me. And my own fears of the unknown, and what was deemed normal were holding me back. I know that it sounds a tad bit weird, but Emily I never thought that I even had a chance with you. So I told myself to let you go, and in a split second I sealed my fate by running after Will. I hope that you'll be able to forgive me, if not now, then hopefully one day. I don't want to lose you as a friend, you mean too much to me. Although I'm not sure if we will stay friends after all the hurt I caused, I hope that you will at least think about it."

Emily didn't say a word; she had returned to the stoic woman she sometimes seemed to be, if you didn't know her all that well. JJ knew that she was compartmentalizing the whole situation, and that rapidly, the walls were being built up again to hide the true depth of the brunette's feelings.

She knew that Emily resorted to compartmentalizing when the situation at hand was too difficult to deal with. JJ feared that she had lost the battle, that Emily would pull the walls back up, and that she wouldn't get the trust the woman used to place in her. She feared that she was fighting for a lost cause. JJ blinked hard to keep the tears at bay, she would not cry, she made this mess and she would have to live with it.

JJ untangled herself from the other woman, ready to get up and leave the apartment. She watched Emily from a few feet away, the older woman was staring straight ahead, and she hadn't said a word. The blonde knew that at this moment there was nothing more she could do. Emily hadn't given JJ a single indication that she had even heard the words that the blonde had uttered. Hell, for all she knew, the profiler didn't even know that she was leaving.

JJ sighed, not sure what to do. She contemplated with herself if it was a good idea to leave Emily here on her own or if she should stay. She decided that it would probably be best if she left, she could always ask Garcia to check on the brunette to make sure that she was alright. She bent down and picked up her purse from the wooden floor where she had left it earlier. With one last look at the brunette, she walked down the corridor towards the door, which led to the hallway.

As JJ put her hand down on the handle, she suddenly heard a sound behind her. Quickly spinning around, she was pushed up against the door by the brunette that had seemingly followed her. Their lips crashed together and a hungry struggle for control ensued. At first JJ was too shocked to react, but soon her feelings for the other woman took control and the kiss deepened.

As suddenly as the kiss started however, it ended. Emily stepped away and watched her younger colleague. "I need time. I need to find out where I stand in this, I thought I knew what I wanted but ... I pushed the feelings I once had for you away because there was no chance anything would ever happen between us. Now I ..."

"I'll give you time, all the time you need." JJ said quickly, her heart skipped a beat at the mere thought of there being a possibility that they would be okay.