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Chapter 17

JJ sat down at her desk with a sigh, the stacks of files only seemed to grow bigger instead of smaller, and the workload was dragging her down. She wasn't sleeping well, too many thoughts were running through her mind whenever she lay down and closed her eyes. All the questions and doubts she couldn't answer during the day flooded her mind making it almost impossible to fall asleep.

Of course since Will left, the care for Henry had been resting all on her shoulders. Even though during the day Henry was at the FBI day care facility, and whenever they went out of town she could count on Pen to help out, she still had to rush home to get everything done at the house and make sure that she would still have time to spend with her son. Usually her efforts only made her figure out that the day didn't have nearly enough hours for her to do everything she wanted to. At those moments she wondered why she even brought up her feelings for Emily. At the rate things were going right now she didn't even have time to fit in a newly established relationship.

She closed the file in front of her and placed it back on the table. She leaned back in her chair, at the right angle she was able to catch a glimpse of the brunette sitting at her desk in the bullpen through the blinds. Sometimes she wished she could sit down there with the others; but she knew that the amount of cases she handled and the Local Law Enforcement Officers who she had to let down needed the privacy of an office.

JJ watched Emily while she worked on a file, her pen hovering above the paper, but all the while JJ was watching the brunette not a single word was written down. The blonde wondered if Emily's mind was preoccupied as well, she wondered whether the brunette was trying to decide what to do. The media liaison hoped with all her heart that if Emily decided what she wanted to do, she would come to her and they could either slowly build a relationship or restore the friendship they once had. It had been a couple of days since she left Emily's apartment and she couldn't help but wonder. Her phone interrupted her thoughts.

Meanwhile, Emily sat at her desk, the file in front of her was open but she couldn't see the words. Her eyes were blindly staring at the black ink, her feelings were in complete turmoil and her mind was jumping from one thought to the next. Was she ready to have a relationship, with a woman - a coworker no less and one of her best friends? Would she be ready to out herself at work, could they remain on the same team or would it be all Strauss needed to get rid of her? And last but certainly not least, could she be in a relationship with a woman who wasn't just responsible for herself but also for a small child? Would a relationship between her and JJ screw Henry up? The brunette was trying to analyze the situation from all angles. The thoughts consumed her - she wondered if she would ever be able to make the right choice. The brunette was trained to be a profiler and now she was profiling her own life.

Derek Morgan watched his friend who had been sitting silently in her chair, staring at the page in front of her but who hadn't moved a muscle since she sat down. If he didn't know any better, he would almost be convinced that she had fallen asleep. He had tried to gain her attention a couple of times but she didn't answer. Reid was watching Morgan; the young genius shrugged his shoulders when the dark agent turned towards him with a worried look. Morgan crumbled up a piece of paper and threw it at his co-worker who looked up startled. "Morgan!" Emily shrieked.

"Emily, what's going on with you?" He asked before she could say anything else.

"Nothing." The brunette simply replied.

"Right, Emily. You can try that on someone who hasn't been watching you stare at the same page for close to thirty minutes with a pen hovering over your paper without ever moving." Morgan smiled genuinely, but he couldn't keep the concerned look from his eyes; "Prentiss, something is going on with you and I have every intention on finding out what it is so that I can help you. You have me worried, girl."

"Morgan let it go." Emily demanded.

At that moment, Dave Rossi walked in through the glass doors, he immediately noticed the tension between his younger co-workers and assessed the situation in a split second before he cleared his throat. "Derek, could you help me out with something, I want to run an idea by you. Conference room." He stated leaving little room for discussion before he walked passed the others towards the conference room without giving Morgan any chance to reply. Morgan just looked up and shrugged at Reid before he walked away.

"Emily, are you sure you're okay? Morgan is right, statistically speaking, even if you were a really slow reader, you should be able to read more than one page..."

"Reid, shut up!" Emily hissed between her teeth before she flipped the manila folder shut and slammed it back on the table. She pushed her chair backwards and with long strides she walked off towards the double glass doors and the deserted hallway.

Morgan stopped in the doorway of the conference room, only to hear Emily snap at Reid before storming out of the BAU bullpen. "PMS'ing much?" He muttered under his breath before he joined Rossi in the conference room.

"Care to repeat that to Emily, Agent Morgan?" Rossi asked - less then pleased with the way their resident ladies man handled the situation with Emily - without ever looking up from the file in his hands.

"No of course not, she'll shoot me." Derek said while he sank down in one of the chairs at the round table. "You needed me?"

"Not really, Derek. I thought that it would be best to interrupt because you were this close - " He held his hand with his thumb and finger barely a centimetre apart up in the air; " - to getting your head ripped off. Cut the girl some slack. Just let her be, she's there when we need her, she's good at her job, but she's just having a hard time, she'll talk to one of us if and when she needs us."

Rossi was confident that Emily knew that she could always talk to him if she needed to after she opened up to him about her past in Italy. And if she didn't talk to him he was sure that she would talk to either one of the girls, although, JJ seemed to be bothered by something as well. When Rossi looked up he noticed that Derek had walked out of the room and was back at his desk, bent over the file he had been working on.

Meanwhile, the brunette disappeared into the ladies room down the hall and leaned against the sink while she tried to slow her breathing. She glanced up at her own reflection, seeing dark circles underneath her eyes and a tired look on her face. She had been restlessly tossing and turning all through the night, and the effects of sleep deprivation were visible on her face. If she was honest she could see why Derek was so concerned about her, she didn't look fine, far from it to be honest.

She looked down at her hands, curled around the edge of the counter the knuckles turned white from the pressure. A wet drop fell onto the top of her hand. Emily gave herself a couple of minutes to collect herself, she tried to compartmentalize to the best of her ability, but with the emotional impact of the situation she wasn't able to hold the barriers for long. She knew that she was running out of time and that she needed to deal with the situation sooner rather than later. With one last glance at herself, she went back to the BAU bullpen and acted as if nothing happened.

Emily was at home, it had been a slow week, and they had only worked a few consults and caught up on their paperwork. She knew that JJ was watching a few cases to see if they would need to head out or if they should only provide another consult. On one hand, Emily prayed for a case away from DC, knowing that it would give her something to focus on, but at the same time she knew that she would have to deal with JJ twenty four seven and she wasn't ready for that yet. Just thinking about the blonde was one thing; actually being with her was a whole new ball game. JJ told her that she loved her, basically.

For the third time in just as many minutes, Emily picked up her phone and started to dial the number, before placing it back on the coffee table. The profiler sighed, rubbing her fingers over her temples before she picked her phone up again. She made her way over to the large window, looking out over the Capitol while she contemplated if she should call or not. Her thumb hovered over the buttons before she reached a decision and dialled the number.

She impatiently waited for the call to connect before she spoke up; "It's Em, are you free to meet me for a drink? I need to talk to you." Emily smiled nervously as she tried to keep her voice steady. "Hmm, okay, how about that new place downtown you were talking about the other day?" She was silent for a minute while she listened intently to the answer before she replied; "Okay, I'll see you there." Emily disconnected the call and sat down on the couch for a couple of minutes, trying to focus on getting calm before she got up again and left the apartment. The weight, which had been dragging her down for days, seemed to have been somewhat lifted off her shoulders and she felt like she could breathe easier.

It didn't take her long to reach her destination, and before Emily knew it, she opened the door to an overcrowded bar and suddenly she wasn't so sure if this had been the right place for them to meet. But it was too late for second-guessing and doubts, she breathed in deeply and moved through the crowd.

Emily soon spotted the blonde at a table in the back where the noise was somewhat reduced by the interior of the bar. And they could talk in a sort of privacy without being too alone, she slipped into the booth next to the other women and leaned in; "Thanks for meeting me on such short notice."

The blonde turned towards her with a bright smile; "For you, anything, Sugar Plum!" Garcia said in a quirky tone of voice. "Now, sit down and tell me what has been bothering you, because I heard through the grapevine that you almost ripped my Chocolate Hunks head off earlier today?" She raised a questioning eyebrow at the brunette while she pushed a beer glass over toward the other woman.

"Thanks," Emily said gratefully; "he was annoying. I don't know, I'm aware that I overreacted, maybe just a little ... but I just don't know what to do." The brunette watched the technical analyst.

"You have to be a little bit more specific, honey." Garcia encouraged, trying hard to keep the smug smile off her face.

"Garcia! You know damn well what I am talking about. I know that JJ talked to you and that you've been her support, and I'm not here to ask you to pick a side or something childish like that, but I just didn't know who else I could talk to about this. And I really need to talk to someone." The brunette answered softly as she wrenched her fingers.

"Okay, Sugar Plum, you got me there." Garcia answered with a quirky smile, not even feeling ashamed that she had been caught red handed in a lie. "You're right, Jayje talked to me. But please, enlighten me, I'm sure that you still have some details to share."

"Wishful thinking PG, wishful thinking, it's not gonna happen." Emily laughed and took a sip from her beer; she was suddenly feeling a lot more confident than she had been when she stepped into the bar. "I just don't know what to do, PG."

"Why? What's holding you back?"

"I don't know, what if..."

"What if? Emily, seriously?" Garcia smiled at the brunette; "If you let 'what if's' control your life you'll never get anything you desire." She watched her friend with a compassionate smile.

Emily quickly diverted her eyes from the other woman, she knew that if Garcia looked into them she would see right into the soul of her being. And the brown-eyed woman was not yet ready to reveal those feelings, which had been the sole reason she had avoided JJ and her co-workers.

The computer tech leaned in closer because she wanted to make sure that the profiler would hear what she had to say; "Em, look at me. I know how you feel about her, how much you care for her. I even know that you stepped back when you thought that Will was what JJ wanted. You stepped away; you backed off even though I know it must have ripped you apart inside. I could see the pain in your eyes; you kept up a brave face but you were in pain when you came back from the Miami case. And I saw with my own eyes the fake smile you bravely plastered on your face after Will told us about JJ's pregnancy in New York. You gave it all up in hope that she would find the love she deserved."

The profiler looked up and glanced at the technical analyst, the look in Garcia's eyes revealed that she really knew how deep Emily's feelings went; "God! I've wanted to walk up to the both of you and knock some sense into either one of you." Her hand gripped around Emily's arm tightly; "He's gone now. Em, Will is gone. Why are you still denying yourself to be with the woman you love?"

The profiler looked down at the hand on top of her arm; "It's not that easy." She spoke, barely loud enough to be heard, but Garcia was listening and she heard the words nevertheless.

"From where I'm standing, it is, it really is."

"No, Jayje isn't alone anymore. I can't make this about me. She has Henry to think of and if I'm with her... I'm keeping Will from Henry, I can't do that." Emily finally admitted what was actually holding her back.

"Have you talked to Jayje lately?" Garcia suddenly asked with a smile.

"You know I haven't."

"Exactly my point. She talked to Will, and he decided that neither one of them were happy, and that they've grown apart. Will decided that he going back to the South, he's back in New Orleans already. He took himself out of the equation. And I know that you might not agree with me, but isn't this the chance you wanted all along?" The tech asked the dark haired profiler.

"Yes, it is. It is what I want." Emily whispered softly, admitting what had been in her heart all along.