Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Okay, you may have gotten from the Prologue that this is a romantic love story… and it is, but there's some fun in there as well. It is rated M, and the reasons will become clear in upcoming chapters. This chapter includes some drug references, a couple of bad words, and Jacob… so if any of those things offend you, consider yourself warned!

Special thanks to my new betas Aecarlo and Tiffanyanne03 for their work on this chapter.

"In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and the future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line."

- Henry David Thoreau

Chapter 1 – Of Rituals and Really Big Dicks

One week earlier/92 years later

"C'mon, Bells, it'll be fun!" Jake pleaded, grasping my hand and holding it close to his massive chest.

"I don't know, Jake. You know I'm not really into that woo-woo stuff," I all-but-whined, "and I have a ton of homework to do."

"It's Friday night," he argued. "You have all weekend for homework. Please Bella," he begged, "don't make me go alone."

Jake wasn't playing fair. He knew I couldn't say no to him when he really wanted something. I owed him too much.

It had been six months since the Cullens left… since he left, saying he didn't love me anymore.

I'm not an idiot. I knew he was lying. He does… did… love me and left because of some twisted obligation to protect me.

It broke my heart.

It pissed me off.

And it didn't really matter. Why he left didn't matter, because he was gone – they all were. I didn't know where they were. I couldn't find them if I wanted to.

And I wanted to… a lot.

But I wouldn't know where to begin. They could go anywhere… and over the decades they'd learned to blend in. If they didn't want to be found, I knew they wouldn't be.

So I stayed in Forks, pissed off and broken by his betrayal. For better or worse, that was how I saw it.

He unilaterally decided to take himself out of my life for my own good. He took away what I loved most. He tore the heart from my chest, leaving behind only emptiness and devastation.

It would have been so easy to give into the pain – to fall into the pit of darkness and let it swallow me up.

But it was anger that kept me going. Anger that enabled me to lock those broken pieces inside the hardened shell of the person I'd become.

Jake called me the new and improved badass Bella. He said it with a note of pride in his voice, but also a hint of sadness in his eyes that told me at least part of him missed the soft, sweet Bella I used to be.

Sometimes, I missed her too.

But she was gone.

It was the only way I could survive.

I kept a tight rein on my emotions, keeping them hidden under a shroud of cynicism and indifference. Still, there were times I felt like at any moment I'd break apart again, the pieces blowing away like so much ash in the wind.

It was Jacob Black who picked up the pieces. Who helped fill… or at least patch… the hole left in my heart when he left me. Jake gave me a way to fill my days… he taught me to smile again.

He loved me.

I knew this, and even though I couldn't love him back, I took his love and held it selfishly close to me.

Some days it was all that kept me from collapsing to the ground and giving into tears and screams and sobs and darkness.

So when Jake asked me for something, I was hard-pressed to deny him.

"I wouldn't have to do anything, right?" I asked, knowing I would give in.

He knew it too, and his smile brightened.

"No, of course not," he assured me. "We'll just sit back and watch, I promise."

He didn't even give me a chance to agree, just pulled me down the beach and toward his house, my smaller hand clutched in his huge one.

"It doesn't start until dark," he said, "so let's get something to eat first. I'm starving!"

We walked toward his little red house, and I asked Jake to explain tonight's ritual to me one more time.

"It's really quite an honor to be invited," he began, slowing his long strides to match mine as we walked down the gravel street. "John Sally is the oldest shaman on the Pacific Coast, and representatives from tribes from Canada to Northern California consult with him."

"What exactly is it he's going to do?" I asked tentatively.

"You've heard of a vision quest?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, I think so," I replied. "I saw one in a movie once. It's like a rite of passage or something, right?"

"Yeah," Jake nodded. "Well a Spirit Walk is kind of like that. When a guy turns fifteen, he goes through the ritual. It's supposed to put him in touch with his spirit guide… show him his path, his destiny."

I was skeptical. Now, it's not that I didn't believe in the supernatural. After all, I'd hung out with a houseful of vampires… and my best friend was a werewolf.

Oh, didn't I mention that?

Yeah. Jake was part of a pack of werewolves dedicated to protecting the Quileute tribe from what they called, 'The Cold Ones'… in other words, vampires.

Of course, the vampires were gone, but the damage had already been done. The mere presence of the Cullens triggered a genetic change in the teenage male population, causing them to transform into giant wolves.

I know, right?

So of all people, I should be very open-minded about something as tame as a Spirit Walk. But just because the supernatural world had been thrust upon me didn't mean I eagerly jumped into every mystical opportunity.

I mean, I didn't wear crystals or dance naked under the full moon or anything.

Even though I'm pretty sure Jake would encourage that.

Jake continued to explain the Spirit Walk ritual… that each boy would choose a natural totem of sorts to focus their spiritual power – like a special rock or branch from a tree. It had to be something from nature that was special to them in some way.

It sounded kind of weird to me, but who was I to judge?

Then the shaman would lead the meditation ritual.

At this point Jake hesitated.

"What?" I asked. I had only been half-listening, but his evident discomfort sparked my curiosity.

We had arrived at his house and stood facing each other in the front yard.

"Okay, you have to keep an open mind," he began.

"What, Jake?" I asked impatiently.

"Have you heard of peyote?"

I did a mental Google. Peyote. I'd heard of that before. Wait a second…

"Peyote? You mean they do drugs?"

Jake rolled his eyes and crossed his beefy arms in front of his chest, feet planted firmly apart.

"Shit, Bella. It's not 'drugs'."

"Of course it is," I mimicked his stance. "Peyote causes hallucinations."

"It's part of a traditional ritual," Jake said stubbornly. "Consumed in small doses, peyote can bring spiritual clarity and introspection."

"What, are you writing a pamphlet?" I scoffed.

"They're not using peyote anyway," Jake admitted. "It doesn't grow around here and it's illegal to transport across state lines. I just thought that if you'd heard about it, it would help you understand what's going to happen." He looked away.

"Jake," I said, waiting for him to look at me. "What's going to happen?"

"Well," he began, "I'm not exactly sure, but sometimes the ritual does involve mushrooms."

"I'm assuming you don't mean portabellas."

Jake smirked. "No, Bella. I think you know what kind I mean."

I paced away from him a few steps, then turned and walked back to face him.

"So, just to clarify things…" I raised a hand, counting off on my fingers. "We're talking chanting, meditating, singing, drum beating, and possible ingestion of magic mushrooms. Does that about cover it?"

Jake was silent for a moment, then he offered a curt nod.

I knew I really shouldn't go. My dad was the Chief of Police, after all. Charlie would flip out if he knew I was anywhere near those goofy 'shrooms.

But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I used to care. I used to try and do the right thing. I studied hard, treated people kindly, minded my own business… kept a lot of important secrets.

And where did it get me?

Alone, except for Jake. And he was asking me for a favor.

"Sounds like fun," I sighed, then at the sight of his toothy grin, I felt my own mouth curve into a smile. "Do I get my own drum?"

We ate huge sandwiches and chips at Jake's chipped kitchen table. Actually, I only ate half a sandwich and Jake had two… plus my other half. Werewolves, I was learning, ate a lot. Something to do with their high body temperature. And all that running around in the woods. Although I don't know why they even did that anymore, since the vamps were gone. Maybe they chased squirrels. I asked Jake that once as a joke.

He didn't think it was funny.

Night fell and I called Charlie to let him know I'd be staying in La Push for a while. He was working anyway and was more than happy to encourage my time with Jake. I knew he still held high hopes that Jake and I would get together, and I let him keep that hope alive since it made him so happy.

Goes without saying I didn't mention the mushrooms.

The ritual was going to take place on the cliffs overlooking First Beach. Jake and I walked out of the house toward the shore and he took my hand in his, offering a small smile as we walked in silence.

The sun had just sunk below the horizon and surprisingly, the clouds and drizzle from earlier in the day had dissipated, leaving clear skies of orange and pink blending into darkening shades of blue and near-black. A few stars twinkled and the moon had yet to rise.

Twilight.

Of course, I thought of Edward.

Because in spite of everything, even though I was pissed… and broken… and empty… and dark. Even though at times I hated him…I still loved him.

I couldn't help it.

I was weak. But even worse, I was helpless.

Helpless to leave him behind. Helpless to ever be with him again.

Helpless to ever stop loving him… missing him… wanting him… needing him.

"Bells? You okay?" Jake lifted our joined hands to his lips, planting a soft kiss on my fingers.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine."

And I was. Fine. Not great. Not happy, really. Just fine.

And my biggest fear was that was all I'd ever be.

Shit. I was so morose I was getting sick of myself. Sometimes I wondered how Jake tolerated my moodiness.

We turned and started to climb up a narrow trail through the woods and I shook my head, trying to break myself out of this funk.

"Hey Jake," I began. "Did you do this ritual when you turned fifteen?"

Jake grinned. "Yeah, I did."

"Did you do the mushrooms?"

Jake looked away, then back at me, as if gauging my reaction. "Yeah, I did."

"What happened?"

Jake said nothing, just tugged my hand up the trail as it started to get steeper… and I pulled back, already breathing heavily.

"Jake. What happened?"

Jake rolled his eyes, "I'm not supposed to say. The Spirit Walk is personal."

"Oh," I said disappointed. "Okay. Sorry."

We continued to climb, and I could feel Jake stealing glances at me.

"It's just that," he said hesitantly, "it wasn't actually very spiritual."

I shot a glance at him and was surprised to see he actually looked… embarrassed. Jake was never embarrassed. Not when he got drunk and puked in Jessica's mom's favorite potted begonia. Not when he got caught "entertaining" himself in the bathroom at the Forks Diner. (Eww!) Not when Quil and Embry stole his clothes while he was skinny dipping at the beach and he had to walk though La Push stark naked.

Of course, I've seen Jacob naked. He really had no reason to be embarrassed.

Hey, I may not have thought of him like that, but I still had eyes.

Shaking my head to erase the vision of Jake's naked body, I turned to him, avoiding everything below his neck.

"What do you mean, it wasn't very spiritual?"

"Well," Jake gestured with his free hand. "I told my dad that I saw my spirit guide. That it was a bear that led me down this path and told me I had a great destiny."

"Yeah? That sounds pretty cool."

"I lied."

"What?"

"I lied to him, Bella," Jake admitted. "I didn't see a spirit guide. I saw…" He pressed his lips together.

"What did you see?"

"God, it's really embarrassing."

"What, Jake?"

"I can't believe I'm telling you this!"

"Jake, I'm dying here!"

"I saw…" he clenched his eyes shut. "A giant dick."

I choked on a laugh. "A what?"

He turned to me with a growl, "A giant dick, okay? It chased me through the woods."

I couldn't hold back the giggles now.

"Hey, it was huge! At least six feet tall! It was terrifying!"

I pulled my hand from his and wrapped both arms around my stomach, howling with laughter.

"And… it was…" I could barely breathe, "…chasing you?"

"God, I can't believe I told you!" he muttered, walking faster up the trail. "Everyone else had these really deep, spiritual experiences, and all I got was an enormous cock!"

I exploded with more laughter and he glared at me.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I said, hiccupping, tears in my eyes and my lips trembling as I tried to control my amusement. "I'm sure it was really hard… I mean difficult!"

At that, our eyes met, and we both erupted with laughter.

"It was… hard… actually," he managed to get out between guffaws.

I snorted.

Finally, we got control of ourselves and wiped the tears from our eyes.

"Seriously, Bella, you can't tell anyone about this," he said, still grinning, but his gaze was serious. "It would kill my dad."

I knew he was right. Billy Black was a tribal elder and he took all of these rituals and traditions very seriously. I doubted he'd see the humor in Jacob's vision of a gargantuan wiener.

"Your secret's safe with me," I assured him, as we neared the top of the cliff.

We could see the group gathered at the edge of the cliff around a huge bonfire and made our way in that direction.

"Hey Jake?"

"Hmmm?"

"I was just wondering... was it circumcised?"

Jake shoved my shoulder and stalked toward the bonfire, and I followed behind him, laughing the entire way.

I caught up to him as he passed through the darkness of the forest into the light of the bonfire and perched next to him on one of the logs positioned in a large circle surrounding it. I looked around the circle and recognized most of the people. Billy Black and Sue Clearwater. Sue's kids Seth and Leah. Sam Uley… and Quil and Embry. My eyes rested on an old man sitting on a folding chair next to Billy who I supposed was the shaman Jake told me about. I know it's politically incorrect to say "old"… we usually say "older" or "more mature"… but this guy was old. White hair fell back from his wrinkled and weathered face and down past his shoulders. A tribal blanket was wrapped around his shoulders and I could see his gnarled hands holding the edges in place. He raised his eyes and instead of pale and rheumy, I was surprised that they were dark and clear… and seemingly focused in my direction. I found it impossible to look away as the man intensely held my gaze.

The guy kinda gave me the creeps.

I shivered and moved a little closer to Jake, who wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"The Spirit Walk is a tradition dating back to the days of my grandfather's grandfather," Billy Black intoned. "It is a ritual of enormous importance to every tribal member."

Heh. He said member.

I stifled a giggle. Jake elbowed me discreetly, but I could see him fighting a smile.

What were we, twelve?

I cautioned another glance at the shaman and found him still staring at me. I looked away.

Billy finished his introduction and on cue five teenage boys dressed only in faded jeans and tennis shoes entered the circle, standing around the fire. I perked up in interest at the rather impressive display of pecs and abs… and whatever those muscles are that make that V that goes down into a guy's jeans.

Who knew rituals could be so stimulating?

I shifted in my seat and I swore I saw Jacob smirk.

I'd have to work on a few more giant dick jokes.

At this point the shaman stood and entered the circle of boys. Two men seated behind the boys began to steadily beat on drums quietly. The shaman opened his mouth to speak, and once again I was surprised. His voice was strong and steady, carrying easily over the drumbeats and the crackle of the fire.

He spoke in another language and I whispered to Jacob, "What's he saying?"

Jake positioned himself so he could translate easily into my ear without causing a distraction.

"Every man has a destiny… a purpose… and it is only through realizing that destiny that a man can live in peace," he began. "For a boy to become a man, he must first seek out the spirits to determine his path."

The shaman looked at each boy in turn, continuing to speak.

Jacob whispered his interpretation to me. "Are you prepared this night to seek your spirit guide and embrace your destiny?"

The boys responded in the affirmative then all sat cross-legged on the ground, each placing a small object in front of them. A couple of small rocks, a twig wrapped in twine, some kind of bone, and a long, black feather.

"Their totems," Jacob explained. "A channel to the spirit world."

I nodded, more engrossed than I thought I'd be.

The shaman walked around the circle, chanting quietly and handing something to each of the boys before taking his place again. He and the boys spoke together in a loud voice.

"May our eyes and hearts be opened and may the spirits reveal themselves this night," Jacob translated.

They all brought their hands to their mouths and began to chew solemnly.

"The mushrooms?" I asked quietly. Jacob nodded.

The shaman swallowed and spoke again. The boys were still, eyes closed, breathing deeply.

"Now you must clear your mind... still your spirit. Imagine a path before you, leading through the forest."

I watched in awe, finding myself lulled into an almost hypnotic state.

"Before you, the path widens into a clearing. And across the clearing you see a shape. It is an animal. It is your spirit guide. Do not speak his name. Just watch to see where he leads. He will take you where you most want to go. He will show you what you most want to see."

I started slightly at that statement. Where did I most want to go? What did I most want to see?

I knew the answer. Edward.

The shaman had stopped talking and stood quietly, watching over the boys. The circle was silent; even the drumming had stopped. I don't know how long we all sat there staring into the fire. It was like time stood still and the only reason I knew it hadn't was the crackling of the fire, the crash of the ocean below, and the occasional hoot of an owl in the woods.

Finally, one by one, the boys opened their eyes and I was startled by what I saw reflected in them.

Peace.

They stood, talking quietly amongst themselves, then found their way to their loved ones seated on the logs around the fire, sharing hugs and handshakes and smiles.

My gaze flickered to the shaman, who had retired to his folding chair. He was once again staring at me.

This time I didn't look away.

Instead, I turned to Jake. "I'll be right back."

I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but I stood and walked around to the far side of the circle and stood in front of the shaman. He looked at me steadily, like he knew what I was going to say.

Hell, I didn't even know what I was going to say.

But I didn't have to say anything, because he stood and walked away from me, only to turn back after a couple of steps and gesture for me to follow him. In a daze, I did just that.

We walked slowly away from the others along the edge of the cliff. When we were out of the reach of the firelight, he turned and looked out over the dark waves below. The full moon had risen during the ritual, illuminating his features slightly into sharp ridges of varying shades of grey.

"The Spirit Walk is different for every person," he said, still looking out over the edge of the cliff. "For some it is deeply moving, for others, disturbing, and for still others it seems irrelevant… and it is not until much later in life that the meaning becomes clear."

I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me, but I listened carefully.

"When I was a boy on the cusp of manhood, I too underwent the ritual," he continued. "At the time, I didn't understand what I had seen. We are told that our visions are private, so I could not speak to anyone about mine. But tonight, I think it is time I finally share the story."

My curiosity was piqued, "Why?"

He turned to look at me then. "Because my spirit guide, a hawk, led me on a trail deep through a dark forest to a beautiful meadow. And standing in the center of that meadow… was you."

My skin prickled. "Me? I don't understand."

"I didn't either," he continued, turning once again to look out over the ocean. "But you were there, the hawk circling overhead. And then I saw that you were standing on a path… actually, you were standing at the convergence of two paths. One led away to the right, the other to the left. You looked from one path to the other, then back at me, as if waiting for me to tell you which way to go."

He said nothing else, so I finally asked, "What happened? What did you tell me?"

The shaman looked at me again, his dark eyes impassive.

"Nothing. The vision ended."

Well that was helpful.

I turned to stand next to him and studied the surf for a moment.

"So, what do you think it means?" I asked.

He took a deep breath. "I believe that you are here for a reason," he said. "That the spirits led you here to this night… to me. That there is something you need to do, a path you must take…a choice you need to make."

He turned once again to face me, "And I think I am intended to help you make that choice."

"But what choice?" I asked, frustrated. "I don't understand any of this! What am I supposed to do? I don't have anywhere to go… no path in front of me!"

"But there is a question," he said, looking at me intently, "a question you want answered above any other."

I blinked twice and looked away. I didn't want to go there.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You seek something… someone," he continued, his deep voice rumbling.

I closed my eyes, fighting the tears. Fighting the hope that, despite my best efforts, was beginning to beat in my chest.

"I can't… It's not possible."

"There is a way," he said simply.

Somehow I believed him. I believed that he could help me if I asked. But did I want to ask?

Did I really want to find Edward?

He'd thrown me away, cast me aside. Under the guise of protection and despite – or perhaps because of - his love for me, he left me alone to try and survive the unbearable loss of his presence. Could I overlook that and trail after him like a pitiful puppy dog?

And if I could swallow what little pride I had left and by some miracle find him again, what then? Would I forgive him? Worse yet, what if I tracked him down only to find that he still didn't want me? That he'd moved on and truly left me behind?

Still, in that instant, I knew I would take the risk. That if there was a chance, no matter how small, that I could be with him for just one more moment, I would take it.

I was just that pathetic.

So I turned to him, tears flowing from my eyes and I asked.

"What do I have to do?

x-x

"Bella? Are you sure you want to do this?" Jacob asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

I hadn't told him everything about my discussion with the shaman. Instead, I just said he'd suggested that the Spirit Walk ritual might help me find some resolution to my issues… that maybe I'd finally get some peace.

Jake warily accepted my explanation. He'd seen first hand what I'd been through over the past six months, and despite his trepidation, I knew he couldn't help but encourage anything that might make things easier. He would do just about anything if he thought it would help me get over losing Edward.

So I sat cross-legged in front of the dwindling fire, Jacob on my left and the shaman on my right. The rest of the group had left, walking down the trail quietly. Billy had spoken for a few moments with the shaman, flickering a glance my way occasionally, before he too headed home.

I had pulled from my pocket a piece of sea glass I carried with me at all times. I found it on the beach not long after Edward left, on one of my first visits to La Push. It caught my eye because of its unique color – shades of topaz and amber on one side, dissolving into deep onyx on the other.

I'd wept when I found it, but slid it in my pocket, rubbing it softly with my thumb whenever my memories of Edward seemed particularly out of reach.

I placed the colored glass on the ground in front of my legs and watched the firelight reflected in its facets.

"Are you ready?" the shaman asked.

I nodded and he began to speak as he did before. I didn't need Jake to translate this time, since I knew the gist of what he was saying. Instead, I focused on the glass and thought of Edward. I remembered when we first met in Biology class… the night he first appeared in my room… the first time our lips met.

And I longed for him.

I longed for the future we didn't have… I longed for the life we could have, if things were different.

The shaman held a small piece of wrinkled, brown mushroom out to me and I hesitated only briefly before taking it and popping it into my mouth. It was chewy and tasted like dirt… really bad dirt actually… so I swallowed it quickly and returned my focus to the glass.

Nothing happened for several minutes. I could hear the shaman chanting quietly, a log falling into the fire, and beyond that, the waves crashing on the rocky beach below.

Edward.

I closed my eyes and could almost see his face. I reached out to touch him and he vanished in a wisp of vapor. A wave of nausea swept through me and I opened my eyes again, taking a deep breath and trying not to vomit.

My vision blurred around the edges and once again I focused on the glass, looking deeper into its sparkling facets, searching for my deepest desire.

To be with Edward.

The fire snapped and although I knew we were alone, I heard a steady drumbeat, quiet at first, then growing louder… and faster.

I kept my focus on the glass and the colors began to swirl before my eyes, the amber blending with the black in pulsing eddies, the glass seeming to liquefy and bubble, the colors filling my vision.

As if from a great distance, I heard Jacob calling my name.

"Bella, are you okay?"

I wanted to answer him, but I couldn't. I was frozen in place, the drumbeats pounding in my head, my wide eyes staring into the bubbling glass. The colors swirled faster now, obscuring the fire… the sky… the forest… until all I saw was tawny ocher… dark gold… and finally… an all-consuming, enveloping cloak of black.

"Bella!"

A/N: So her adventure begins.

The Spirit Walk is fictional… and I in no way want to infer that the Quileutes, or any other tribe, encourage the use of illegal drugs. Nor do I want to offend anyone who's ever hallucinated about gigantic penises. :-)