|Joe Goes to Hollywood
Author: A Whiny Attention Whore PM
Sorta parody fic I wrote back in 2002 or so while watching one of my old favorite pieces of 1980s Hollywood ninja movie cheese. I dunno what else to say!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 19,890 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 02-23-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5769928
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Sorry for the first part being so long but that's how I originally had it split up on the website I used to run where it was posted at. Just easier for me having it this way, I guess. And I seriously doubt anyone other than one person I know is even reading this to be able to care, so...On with part 2:
The scene shifts to the jail at Fort Sonora. It's now late at night. Everything is eerily quiet. The atmosphere is perfect for a would-be assassination attempt on a ninja, by another ninja. Hint hint...
A few MPs are patrolling the fenced-in jail yard. Then the evil Black Star ninja pops up near a wall hidden in the shadows. He crouches in the grass and makes sure the coast is clear of MPs. A couple go back into the more go off to the Starbucks down the road. Black Star then climbs a telephone pole and uses some wire cutters to cut the power, disabling the lights and the cable tv. All the lights go out in the jail windows.
Inside, Joe is lying on the bed and his eyes pop open as his ninja intuition kicks in. Outside, Black Star scales the cable lines to the roof of the jail. A ladder is perched against the wall for some reason. Back inside, Joe is now doing ninja hand signs.
Joe: "Here's the church...this is the steeple...come on in and see all the people."
Back outside again Black Star is on the edge of the roof watching an MP look around with a flashlight. He walks off into the yard and Black Star slips down silently from the roof and sneaks in the door. There's an MP inside busy looking at the fuse box back on so he can watch the rest of M.A.S.H. Suddenly another MP comes through a door and Black Star springs into action. He cuts the MP with his kamas and as the fuse box guy turns, he kicks the door, slamming him in the face with it and knocking most of his teeth out. Then he kicks the other guy and goes back to cutting the one he hit with the door again. In a scene that would give Michael Myers some pointers, Both MPs are quickly put to death by Black Star. He twirls his kamas fancifully before using them to cut the lock off the door to the jail cells.
Black Star: (to the camera) "I used to work at Benihana."
Black Star slides the door open, which has a big bared door behind it, and pulls a lock pick from his trusty gauntlet. After picking the lock, he goes in and sneaks down the hall to find Joe. In a quick shot of Joe in his cell, Joe's eyes widen as if he knows there's something bad about to happen. Ninja ESP, perhaps? Then outside the door, Black Star sneaks up and pulls out a smoke bomb. He throws it on the ground and deadly concealing smoke fills the air.
Black Star: (whispering) "Hahahaha! (coughs)"
Under the cover of the smoke, Black Star throws open the door and spots a lump under the covers in the bed and pulls out his sword. He stabs it thinking it's Joe, but upon pulling back the covers its just a pillow with a sign on it that says "Went to Mexico".
Meanwhile, another unwitting MP has entered the jail and discovered the dead guys. He whips out his gun.
In Joe's cell, Black Star cautiously steps closer to a dividing wall, where the bathroom is, or something. Anyway, as the camera zooms part of Joe's head can be seen sticking out. He's hiding behind the wall. Black Star jumps Joe and he goes over the wall and jumps onto a pipe over the door. Just then the MP bursts in and shoots at Black Star. The master ninja ducks out of the way and then lunges at the MP, knocking the gun from his hand and then stabbing him good while Joe flees out the door disturbingly like a little sissy girl.
Joe: "I just wanted to get outta jail! I'm not scared!"
Black Star takes off after Joe who is outside running to that previously mentioned ladder. He knocks it onto the fence and uses it to climb over. Black Star takes off after him, scaling the ladder as Joe jumps down. Joe runs off into a parking lot full of tanks. Black Star runs into the parking lot in hot pursuit. Joe comes up to a part of a tank with a window hole in it. He looks through the hole but nobody seems to be there. Unbeknownst to Joe, Black Star is hiding on the other side of the tank and as Joe looks away he grabs Joe through the hole.
Black Star: (choking Joe) " Guess who?"
Joe: (hands to his throat) "Gkk! An evil ninja sent to assassinate me?"
Black Star: "Damn! You read the script, didn't you? Cheater!"
Joe trades punches with Black Star through the hole for a minute. Then Joe basically bitch slaps him and Black Star goes back through the hole. The camera zooms out to show the two of them as they flip up onto the tank to resume their wild fight scene. They go at each other, punching and blocking so fast, it's hard to see it all. However, Joe gets away and runs off. Black Star follows but is kicked by Joe. They fight some more and Black Star catches Joe in an arm lock. But Joe gives him the claw and then he is forced to let go and Joe pushes him, knocking him off balance. Joe runs off again with Black Star at his heels. They do some jumps and a roll simultaneously, landing on another tank. Some judges in the background hold up cards that all read 9.99. Black Star kicks Joe right in the head sending him flying back into a part of the tank. He bumps the tank wall, and grabs this long stick with a hook on it. (I always wanted to know why that would be on a tank, but oh well.) Joe is now twirling his new weapon while Black Star stands there coolly with evil ninja attitude. Black Star and Joe start fighting fast again, Joe using his hook-stick and Black Star blocking it. Black Star gets a punch in on Joe's head but then as he's attempting to block the stick, Joe catches his arm with the hook.
Black Star: "OWWW! &^%$#$!"
Joe keeps poor Black Star at bay for a moment by yanking down on the stick a couple of times and putting him in a world of hurt.
The audience cringes and some boo.
Joe: " Hey, he's trying to kill me!"
Black Star: "Ow...ow...owowowowow!"
Joe lets Black Star go but then gives him a beating with the stick and then cracks him across the jaw with it before running off again.
Black Star falls to his knee for a moment, seeing stars.
Black Star: "OW! #$%&*#!"
He lets off a trail of profanity that would have the author's Junior year Nihongo Sensei's ears bleeding.
Joe now takes up a defensive stance on the highest part of the tank. Black Star pops up and unsheathes his sword, preparing to pay Joe back. He twirls his sword expertly and runs his gloved palm over the blade.
They start fighting again and this time Black Star is attacking Joe's little hook-stick and blocking blows with his sword. They have a really well choreographed fight and then Black Star finally cuts Joe's stick in two. Joe loses his balance and falls off the tank onto a pile of tires, and then to the ground. Black Star somersaults off the tank and lands. He raises his sword triumphantly about to give Joe the impaling of his life, which...ironically would be his death...but then a jeep pulls up with MPs in it and blinds Black Star with its high beams. Black Star freezes like a ninja caught in the headlights. Which...actually, he was, in this situation.
Black Star: (shielding his eyes) "AAAG! The light!"
Joe kicks him, which was ironically a good thing because it knocks him out of the line of fire as a crazed MP starts spraying bullets at both of them. Joe scrambles away and Black Star takes cover behind a tank. He pulls a deadly projectile from his gauntlet and jumps out, chucking it at the MP with the gun.
Black Star: "Take this! You green bastard!"
The MP takes a shuriken to the brain and falls out of the jeep. His partner turns in time to see him fall and Black Star dashes away into the night. Another MP jeep drives up with lights flashing.
MP: " What the motherfudging snitz happened here?!"
Back at the barracks the GIs have all woken up and the alarm has sounded. They all throw their shirts on and run out to see what happened. Jackson is with them and is pulled to the side of the house by Joe.
Jackson: "Joe! You got outta jail! Free!"
Joe: (shaking Jackson) "Jackson, listen! People are trying to kill me. It's because I found out about all the secret corruption going on around here."
Jackson: (dizzy from being violently shaken) "Shuh?"
Joe: (looking paranoid) "I don't have much time...they're all out to get me."
Jackson: "Just take it easy , Joe. Let's get you some hot coco. And maybe a nice shower."
Back at the scene of the deadly ninja fight more MPs are pulling up. One of them shines a light on the scene, revealing the horrifyingly dead MP with a shuriken sticking out of his forehead.
MP: "MY GOD...there's a dollar bill over there!"
He jumps out of the jeep to grab it.
Jackson and Joe are still talking by the side of the house. Joe finally tells Jackson all about his dealings with Ortega.
Jackson: (holding his head) "Whoa...wait a minute...run that by me again?"
Joe: "Ortega is stealing trucks full of super-advanced guns secretly being delivered to him by Rinaldo. He's got a bunch of evil ninjas working for 're the ones who were behind the truck hijacking incident and now they want to kill me because I screwed up their plans and revealed the operation."
Later, Jackson pulls up in a jeep. Patricia is with him. He flashes the headlights twice to signal to Joe who's been hiding elsewhere. He runs over.
Jackson: " I thought you said thirty minutes!"
Joe: " Sorry. I had to use the can."
Patricia: " Joe, you poor misunderstood thing. Jackson told me about all the crap that's been going on, but I still can't believe it.."
Joe: " Believe it. They're all stupid evil bastards."
Jackson: " Crap. We're probably all gonna get in big trouble now."
Joe: " I can't just let them get away with it."
Patricia: " Joe, listen. We can all go tell my Dad on them. He'll do something about this whole thing."
Joe: " No way! He'll never believe me, he hates my guts thanks to Rinaldo. He'll probably try and have me deported back to the jungle or something."
Patricia: " Pleeeeaaase, Joe?"
She gives him the cute sad-girl eyes.
He jumps into the jeep.
Jackson drives off.
Camera switches to Colonel Hick's place. He's standing in an undershirt which really shows his fat.
Audience: "EEEEWWW! OH GOD WHYYYYYYYY???"
Hicks is talking with Jackson.
Hicks: (to Joe) " Do you really expect me to believe this damn crazy ass story, soldier?"
Joe: (to Patricia) " Told you." (he looks at Hicks) "But it is true. You're being royally screwed by Ortega."
Jackson: " C'mon, Colonel, you gotta believe us. We're only looking out for you." (snickering) "Ah, hell I can't say that with a straight face!"
Hicks: " How do I know this is for real? Do you have proof, Jackson?"
Patricia: " Oh, come on Daddy. They're only trying to help. And Joe's been put through so much already. Plus it really is true! See?"
She pulls out the script and shows it to him.
Hicks: (reading) "Well I'll be damned...he was gonna shoot me?!"
Sam comes into the shot and takes the script again. He takes a hit from a bottle of Maalox .
Sam: "That's it people! This really isn't funny anymore!"
Then he walks off mumbling to himself about not making any more cheesy low budget ninja movies.
Hicks sighs and folds his arms.
Hicks: " All right. I'll get to the bottom of this right now."
He picks up the phone and dials.
Hicks: " Hello? Yes, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza."
They all give him a funny look.
Hicks: "Oh....and uh..connect me with the main office. Send some MPs over here right away."
He puts down the phone.
Hicks: " Okay, I talked to the main office guys and they're investigating, or something."
Patricia dances around happily with Jackson.
Patricia: " Yay! It worked!"
Outside the house a bunch of MP jeeps pull up and heavily armed MPs pile out and rush into the house. Rinaldo is with them. The MPs all point their guns at Joe .
Hicks: (pointing at Joe) " Sergent, arrest this man for murder."
Patricia: "What murder?!"
Hicks: " He murdered a bunch of MPs and then escaped from jail. He's a criminal with a violent past. He's probably just some homicidal maniac who joined the army just so he could have access to deadly super weapons!"
Patricia: (shocked)" No way?Joe, you're not secretly a psycho, are you?"
Joe just stares at them with a blank expression. A giant anime sweat drop appears on the side of his head.
Jackson: "Hey man. You got something on your face."
He quickly wipes it away and looks confused.
Hicks: "Take him away!"
Joe, unable to deal with all the pressure, makes a daring jump through the window. He lands on the porch in a shatter of glass and then takes off running.
Rinaldo: (mouth full of Cheetos Paws) " Mon't met ib geb amay!" (spraying crumbs)
All the MPs make a mad dash for the door to get Joe. Joe jumps into a GI Joe jeep and floors it out of the driveway while MPs get in their jeeps. Down the road, Joe speeds off with MPs on his tail. Rinaldo and an MP are behind him. Rinaldo sticks his gun out of the window and fires a shot at Joe.
Rinaldo: " Eat lead, you skinny kung-fu pretty-boy corruption-revealing son of a bitch!"
Joe flinches as bullets ricochet off the back seat. One other MP in a jeep tries to pull up next to Joe but Joe runs him off the road and into a tree. The tree seems to have some strange dandruff problem or something because a whole bunch of weird white stuff falls out of it.
Rinaldo: " Little bastard! (brushing himself off) This is gross! Not even I have this bad a dandruff problem, and that's coming from a freaking tree!"
He turns to the MP.
Rinaldo: "Drive faster, you dope! Faster!"
MP: (freaking out) " I'm sorry, Sir! I don't drive well under pressure!"
He starts to cry. Rinaldo pounds his fist on the dashboard.
Rinaldo: " Oh for the love of...Get the hell out!"
Rinaldo shoves the sobbing MP right out of the moving vehicle and takes the wheel. He speeds after Joe, tires squealing. He tries to run Joe off the road but Joe runs him off the road instead and he heads for a tree.
Rinaldo: "NOOOOOOOOO! Why did I take the jeep with the Nitro Glycerin in it?!"
His car hits a tiny tree and blows up on impact like all the cars in action movie cliches. Joe just sits there and watches him barbecue for a moment.
Audience: (cheering) " YEEEEAAAAH!! GO JOE, GO JOE!"
Joe then solemnly drives off down the road.
Back at the Colonel's place, Ortega has just pulled up in a shiny black car with tinted windows. He gets out and goes up the stairs to meet the Colonel.
Hicks: " You've got some explaining to do, Mister!"
Ortega: "Now I know the little rat blew our cover, but I'm sure I can patch everything up."
Ortega puts an arm around the Colonel and leads him inside acting all nonchalant.
The camera pans to the car where the door opens and Black Star, obviously ready to do something bad, gets out and sneaks around to the back of the house.
Inside Ortega is still feeding Hicks a bunch of bull trying to keep the deal going so he can get his money. Hicks looks slightly confused. He doesn't really know who to trust now.
Ortega: "Lets just both sit down and talk about this whole thing."
He and Hicks take seats in the living room.
Ortega: " I'm positive the deal will go down fine. Do you have any Scotch? I usually work deals out better when I'm smashed."
Outside, Black Star is on the roof. He runs over and climbs down to a window on the other side of the house. The paneling is slippery though and he loses his footing and falls.
Black Star: (falling) "Aaaaaaahhh!"
There's a very loud crash. The camera pans down to a shot of him lying in some bushes.
Black Star: (giving a shaky thumbs up) "I'm okay!"
After a few minutes he's on the roof and back at the window again, this time being careful where he steps. Inside is Patricia picking up some of her clothes off the couch. Outside her window Black Star is crouching ominously. Patricia walks off to another part of the room, with Black Star following across the edge along the window where she can't see him because of the window panels. He waits for her to come back and as she reaches the windows, he jumps out and grabs her. She is about to scream but he clasps his hand over her mouth before she can and pushes her into a chair. She bites him.
Black Star: (pulling back his hand and shaking it in pain) "OW! Sonofa-"
In a stunned panic and not knowing what else to do, she does the only thing that comes naturally to her; complains!
Patricia: " You jerk! Who the heck do you think you are, bursting into a poor helpless young lady's room like that! I'm gonna tell my Daddy on you-AAAH!"
Black Star whacks Patricia with a copy of Assassination for Dummies that he pulls from his pocket. She falls down unconscious. Black Star drops the book and looks around to see if anyone was alerted to his presence. Nobody was.
Now the scene shifts back to Hicks and Ortega. They are getting into a little bit of a heated discussion.
Ortega: " I'm telling you, soccer is better than football!"
Hicks: " No way! Football rules, you pansy!"
Ortega: " No it doesn't!"
Hicks: " Yes it does! It's way cooler than soccer!"
Ortega: "Is not!"
Hicks: " Is too!"
Ortega: " IS NOT!"
Hicks: " IS TOO!"
He gets up and stomps over to the window.
Ortega: " Fine. You think what you want to think. I haven't got time to argue about it. I have 4 million dollars riding on the success of this deal!"
Hicks turns around and glares at him angrily, pointing a finger.
Hicks: " No way! We can't risk getting our asses found out! We're not shipping it out."
Ortega: " The bloody hell we're not! Didn't you hear me when I said I've got 4 million dollars riding on this shipment?!"
Hicks punches Ortega in the face. Ortega falls onto the couch. He then blinks and rubs his jaw. Luckly, he's so full of booze, he didn't feel much pain.
Ortega: " Well. I didn't see that one coming. Although I really probably should have at this point in the story."
Hicks: " Shut yer crumpet hole , you jerk! I'M the Colonel here, and I say we're not shipping it out!"
Ortega gets up and points a finger at Hicks.
Ortega: " You're going pay for that! I just had my nose done!"
Ortega walks out the door holding his nose. Outside , he goes back to his car. Black Star is waiting inside with the Colonel's daughter all tied up and gagged in the seat next to him. Ortega nods in approval.
Ortega: " Heeheee! Hicks is such a chump! As long as I have his precious little girl, he won't try anything on me! And he'll pay me a fortune to get her back! Money, money, money!!"
Black Star pulls something out of his pocket.
Black Star: " He'll probably pay even more to get these back."
Displayed are several photos of the Colonel in some women's lingerie. Ortega's jaw drops.
Ortega: (shocked and appalled) " NyyyaaaOH! My GOD! And I thought Carrey's brother had problems!"
Camera switch to Joe sneaking along the side of a house. Suddenly, that old gardener man jumps him and places a knife to his throat.
Gardener: " You should never let your guard down, especially around the elderly."
He puts the knife down and Joe turns to him.
Joe: " Hey, it's you again! I mean...not that weird guy. "
Shinyuki: " Yes, I asked him to take my place for that scene. I would've come myself, but I had a bunch of bonzai trees to prune. Plus Matlock was on."
Joe: " Yeah, well, that guy was freaking me out back there. Hey, how come you've been following me around and been in my flashbacks?"
Shinyuki: " Well, if you would have read the script more thoroughly, you would have known."
In the house of the gardener (spoiler, who is really Joe's adopted 'Dad' and ninja mentor)
The old man pours Joe some coke as he talks to him.
Shinyuki: " It's been six years. Do you remember?"
There camera zooms in on Joe as he starts to have a flashback.
Joe: " Yeah...I'm a kid...I'm wearing a loincloth...You taught me how to climb trees."
Shinyuki: (reminiscing) " Yes. You could could climb faster than a monkey on speed by the time you were 16."
There are several more flashback scenes to young jungle-boy Joe and Shinyuki doing ninja things like shooting arrows and slicing up melons with their swords like in Blind Fury, only without Rutger Hauer.
Rutger Hauer Not Cameo - because he was late for filming : (looking sad while lowering his sword) "Awww."
Shinyuki: " I taught you all kinds of ninja techniques and raised you like a son until there was that explosion."
Joe: "Oh yeaaah! I remember."
Shinyuki: " No you don't, it gave you amnesia."
Joe: "...Oh. Oh, yeah...you're right." (nods head)
Shinyuki : "Anyhow, it looks like it's time to put all your magic ninja skills to use and go kick that villainous Ortega's ass."
Shinyuki: " It's in the script. Climactic end battle stuff. Besides, I never liked working for him anyway. He was a stinking drunk jerk."
Camera cuts to a shot of a rolled-out mat with all kinds of fancy looking ninja gear on it. There are many pointy things and sharp cutty things, shuriken, sais...basically a whole ninja grab-bag of weapons and tools. Shinyuki points some of them out to Joe and then picks up the ninjato* and puts it on the table. He and Joe are already decked out in black ninja uniforms he bought at Ninjas 'R Us. He begins to remind Joe of the hand signs that invoke the mystical power of the ninja. He then gives Joe the sword.
Joe: (bowing) "All right, Sensei. I'm ready to kick some ass."
Once again at the now doomed house of Ortega...
Ortega and Black Star are relaxing on the large well-furnished mansion grounds waiting for the guys with the money to arrive. They keep watching out in the distance for a helicopter to arrive. Pretty soon a helicopter comes flying up over the hill.
Arnold: "GET TO DA CHOPPAH!" (runs through field waving arms crazily)
Black Star and Ortega stare.
Black Star: "Who the heck was that guy?"
Ortega: "No clue."
Ortega checks his watch as the helicopter gets closer.
Ortega: " Right on schedule! Let's go greet them, shall we?"
Black Star nods and picks his sword of the table. The two get up as the helicopter lands not far away.
The scene shifts to Shinyuki's humble abode where Joe, now ninjafied and looking his most bad-assed, walks out with all his gear on him and rushes out to serve up some ninja-flavored justice. Shinyuki follows him, taking his red mask along.
Another scene of Ortega and his chumps...Er, business partners...as they walk to a table. Ortega points to a big truck guarded by some ninja.
Ortega: " There's the truck. Just think of all those highly destructive weapons inside! Makes your mouth water, doesn't it?"
Ortega rubs his palms together evilly. Black Star gives Ortega a clipboard he'd been holding.
Ortega: " Okay. You wanted 15 super guns, 20 rifles and that big honking bazooka thing in there. Sign here, please."
Ortega gives one of the guys the board and a pen.
The guy nods to the other guy who brings forth the briefcase full of money. He opens it and Ortega grabs a wad of cash and smells it.
Ortega: (Leprechaun impression voice) "Aaaaaaah! Smells like me money!"
Ortega closes the case and is going to take it when the other guy puts his hand on it.
Guy2: "We wanna see the merchandise first."
Ortega: (rubbing the case) " Oh yes, go right ahead. But I'll hold this."
Ortega takes the case all start walking to go to the truck. Suddenly there's a shot of Joe on the roof of the truck, armed with a bow. He fires a warning arrow at Ortega's foot.
Ortega: " Blimey!"
Everyone looks up at Joe.
Ortega: " I say! Who's that damned fool on the truck?!"
Black Star: (in a deep Mexican dubbed voice) " It's el Guerrarro Americano!"*
Ortega looks at him funny. Black Star blinks and clears his throat.
Black Star: " Uh...I mean...it's the American Ninja!"
Ortega: " Oh really. American!"
He calls to Joe.
Ortega: " What the devil do you want?"
Joe doesn't respond yet, he instead fires an arrow at Mr. O's face. Ortega flinches like a big sissy, but Black Star catches the arrow before it hits his pansy of a boss. Then Black Star snaps it in two. Joe responds by snapping his bow in half.
Joe: " Stupid piece of crap. That's the last time I shop discount."
Ortega: (cowering like a baby)" Don't just stand there, you blasted idiots! Kill him!"
Ortega's scary looking and most likely underpaid gunmen begin firing at Joe, sending him dashing off the truck and into the weeds. Ortega turns to Black Star.
Ortega: " Get the girl!"
Black Star runs off to get the captive Patricia. Ortega's two chums stare at each other dumbfounded like.
Back at Shinyuki's house, Shinyuki finally put son his mask and walks off to go into battle as well.
Black Star and two ninja return to Ortega with Patricia.
Patricia: " You jerks! Lemme go!"
Ortega: " We've got your little girlfriend here, so you'd better not try anything funny!"
Patricia: " JOE! Don't do it Joe, save yourself! Wait, what am I saying? HELP ME JOE!!"
Ortega turns around and slaps her.
Ortega: "Terribly sorry. I hate doing that to pretty girls." (to camera) "I'd only do that to Mimi, if I wasn't so dreadfully afraid for my life afterward."
Drew Carey: (special cameo) "Don't be a wuss. If you don't I will."
Joe pops up over a fence. He brandishes a shiny pair of sais. Black Star does a somersault over Patricia and lands behind her. He quickly puts a knife to her throat. Joe lowers his weapons. Ortega holds up his hand and starts a countdown.
Ortega: " Five...four...three..."
Patricia: (to Black Star) " Hey! Watch the hands , buddy!"
Black Star:" Sorry. I'm just a little edgy today. Too much coffee."
Patricia: " Yeah, I know how that is. Lately I've been having this horrible tension in my back."
Black Star: "You know, I also happen to be an expert Shiatsu masseuse."
Patricia: " Wow? Really? Think you can do anything about this kink in my back?"
Black Star: " How's this?"
Patricia:" Mmmmm! That's great! But do you really still need the knife?"
Black Star: "...Yes."
Ortega: " One and a half..."
Joe throws his sais to the ground angrily. Ortega claps.
Ortega: " Good ninja."
Camera shot to a big close up on Joe's masked face.
Joe: " Let her go, you drunken maniac!"
Ortega: " Make me!"(sticks out tongue) "Now, kill him!"
An army of ninja rush out to make mincemeat out of Joe. We all know Joe's no pushover , so this should be one messy fight.
Just then a poof of smoke appears in the middle of the battlefield next to Joe. Shinyuki appears at Joe's side to help him administer beatings.
Ortega's two pals with all that money are now looking unsure. One of the guys wants to run off, but his buddy wants to stay and watch the action. And so the action begins. The ninja start attacking Joe and his mentor with extreme prejudice. Ortega uses the opportunity to run over to his clients. The ninja holding Patricia walk over as well. Joe and Shinyuki are killing ninja left and right. Patricia watches the whole thing with an open mouth.
Patricia: " Can't...take eyes away...from...ridiculous violence!"
Then one of Ortega's pals decides that he's seen enough.
Guy1: " Uh, Ortega! It's been swell, but I think I wanna leave now."
The camera switches to Black Star who is watching the fight like a hawk. Joe is just finishing killing his last ninja. He stands there unguarded for a dangerous moment. Shinyuki does one of his magic hand signs and vanishes into thin air. Black Star sees an opening and chucks a knife at Joe. Sadly, it catches poor Shinyuki in the heart and he dies a tragic death in Joe's arms.
Audience: " NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" (tearing up)
Joe gives Black Star a very angry, " I'm so gonna kick your ass now!" look. Black Star dashes off to prepare for the climactic end battle. Just when the dramatic tention was getting the best of us all, an army of GI Joe tanks come barreling through the Ortega compound. They are led by Colonel Hicks and Jackson. Jackson is doing his best Rambo impression atop the army jeep with Charlie driving. They are all suited up for combat. Jackson blasts Ortega goons as they fire at the tank. Because nobody ever told them in a tank versus guns fight, the people with the guns should really just give up and run.
Jackson: "YAAAAAAAHHHHHH! TAKE THIS, YOU ASSHOLES!"
Ortega looks distressed.
Ortega: " Oh bloody hell!"
He whips out the flask of gin in his pocket and starts chugging it. Meanwhile, GI Joe tanks are rolling around and blasting guerrillas all over the place.
Duke: "Take no prisoners! YO JOE!"
But the tank hits a rock and he falls out.
Duke: " Whoooa!"
Back in the ninja training camp, Black Star stands on a lookout post and yells.
Black Star: (to Joe) " HEY YOU STUPID NINJA POSER! COME GET ME!"
Joe sneaks around a tree. He checks the lookout but nobody's there. Suddenly Black Star falls from a tree almost onto unsuspecting Joe. Black Star rolls to his feet.
Black Star: " Can't catch me."
He makes a run for it with Joe following behind him.
Colonel Hicks is tossing grenades at guerrillas while Jackson continues to have fun with the jeep-mounted machine gun. Back in the training ground black Star runs through a swinging-basket-with-knives-in-it obstacle. Joe, rather than look like a wussy and go around, follows him through it, dodging deadly baskets. In another mindlessly violent but justified killing spree, Jackson and Hicks continue to blast away Ortega's flunkies.
Charlie: " Jackson! This is cool and all, but I still don't think we're doing enough senseless destruction!"
Jackson:" No problem. Turn left up here!"
The jeep drives onto the patio walkway and smashes an expensive-looking vase.
Charlie and Jackson: "YEEAAAH!!"
Sam: "HEY! That wasn't a prop! My wife's gonna kill me!"
Back with Joe and Black Star's fight, Black Star has got his kamas out and is ready to go "Iron Chef" on Joe's ass. Joe has his trusty sais. Hey, I thought he threw those down!
Joe: "Ninja rule of thumb. Always carry a spare."
The two begin another cool fight but they don't seem as into it as before.
Black Star and Joe: "Haven't you people seen enough fighting throughout this picture?"
Black Star: " Besides, it's hot as hell out here, and we're wearing black! You try it and see if you feel like running all over the place!"
He chases after Joe.
Black Star: " I just wanna jump back in the pool."
He displays his hands, which now have the climbing claws attached to them. Amazingly Joe has a pair of his own, and they decide to do a claw fight. This could be very painful if one of them should take a hit to the face or need to scratch an itch. The fight doesn't last very long. Black Star takes a dive over a log. He gets up and throws his claw at Joe's head. It sticks in the bulls-eye painted on a wall.
Audience: (giving thumbs up) "Two points!!"
Jackson is now out of the jeep and fighting little guerrillas on foot. He shoots two of them with a smaller gun when all of a sudden this big creepy shirtless dude comes running up and kicks it out of his hand. Jackson punches the guy but it doesn't seem to faze him one bit. So Jackson goes for the low hits and starts waling on him. Back in the training grounds, Black Star climbs up the rope obstacle and Joe follows on another rope.
Black Star: "Can't catch me."
Joe:" Yes I can."
They scramble up the ropes, Black Star getting to the top first. He stands at the edge of the building roof and thrusts out his gauntlet clad arm. From a flamethrower hidden in that awesome accessory battle glove of his, he shoots a blast of fire at Joe as he climbs on the rope. Joe grabs the end of the rope before it brakes and he falls.
Meanwhile, Jackson and the big scary guy are trading punches. Then Jackson decides to grab the guys crotch for some reason. Let's skip this part and go see how the GIs are doing.
Hicks and the gun-happy GIs are driving their tanks over the rest of the dwindling Ortega goons. Jackson does a lame roll and slides in the dirt where some guerrilla jerks are. One guerrilla is pounding the crap out of a GI. Jackson takes down the other one by...uh...throwing a knife into the guy's torso. Ouchie. Meanwhile, Ortega's pals are beginning to freak.
Guy1: " Uh...Hey Ortega...it's been swell and all, but I'm gonna leave now before I get killed."
He turns to leave.
Ortega: " Wait! What about the deal? And my briefcase full of money!"
Guy2: " It's our briefcase full of money now! We're getting the hell outta here!"
Guy1: " Yeah. Sheesh! It looks like one of those cheesy 80's ninja action flicks in here!"
The guys start hurrying to their helicopter. Ortega pulls out a gun from his pocket.
Ortega: " Ha! You should've known better than to turn your back on me! I'm a sneaky underhanded jerk!!"
He fires at them.
Guy1: " AAAAHHHH! Hey wait, that's just a squirt gun!"
Ortega stares at his gun. It really is a small brightly colored water pistol.
Ortega: " ....Oh blast!"
Guy 2: " You're just a rich, incompetent drunk!"
Ortega: " You of all people should've known that by now!"
Ortega throws the gun at the first guy. It hits him in the head and he falls down. The other guy runs off screaming and runs into the side of the helicopter like an idiot. Then a GI Joe tank rolls past the truck and chases Ortega off. He and the ninja holding Patricia move to another path of escape, but Hicks comes running up firing his gun. The two ninja get shot and Ortega now uses Patricia as a human shield as he backs towards the helicopter. Back in the Ortega compound Black Star runs up a big red carpeted roof thing with Joe chasing him. He turns and fires a new gun attachment on his gauntlet. Joe takes a dive to avoid being swiss-cheesed.
Joe: " Damn. I gotta get me one of those."
Black Star climbs onto another roof. Joe whips some shuriken at his head. Black Star dives in turn.
Black Star: " HA! Missed me!"
Joe throws a rubber superball at him. It hits him in the head.
Black Star:" Ow! Dammit!"
Black Star scrambles onto yet another part of the roof in an attempt to get away from Joe. Then he pulls out another smoke bomb and uses it to vanish. Back in the GI fight, GI Jackson is beating up little guys. Hicks has cornered Ortega near the helicopter.
Hicks: " LET HER GO, VICTOR!"
Ortega: " Nigel!"
Hicks: " NIGEL! Whatever!" (waves gun) "Let's hurry this up, the big game comes on in ten."
Ortega: " NEVER! Now put away your guns, I've got an itching trigger finger!"
He pulls Patricia closer holding the gun to her head.
Patricia: " EEP! Daddy help! He smells like a public restroom!!"
The GIs have no choice but to put their guns back in their holsters. Ortega shoves Patricia into the helicopter. Hicks, overcome by a wave of sheer stupidity, runs straight at Ortega and gets shot.
Hicks: " Agh! Boy, that was stupid!"
He falls to the ground.
Particia: " DADDY! Nooooooooooooo!"
She's fighting with Ortega, he's trying to shove her back into the chopper. Finally he manages to cram her in and gets in himself.
Ortega: " Take off!! Take off!!"
He yells at the pilot. Then Ortega sees Black Star and Joe on the roof. Black Star tosses a grapple at Joe and it winds around his legs. Black Star yanks the rope and Joe's feet fly out from under him and he lands on the roof.
Ortega:(to pilot) " Wait, wait a moment! I want to see how this turns out!"
Patricia sticks her head out so she can see too. Black Star tugs Joe across the roof to the edge. But Joe, who's always prepared, whips out a knife an cuts the rope. He almost falls of the roof anyway. Black Star does a back flip off the roof and lands on the ground. Joe drops down as well by a potted plant. Black Star holds up his bitchin' gauntlet and fires a laser at Joe. Joe jumps away and the laser beam blows up the plant.
Audience: " COOOL!!"
Black Star: " I never leave home without this baby!" (patting his gauntlet)
By now both Joe and Black Star are really tired out from running all over the place.
Black Star:(panting) " Ugh...can't run any further..."
Joe: (limping) "Urrg...My leg's cramping up."
They take a breather by the side of the fountain. Joe rubs his leg.
Audience: "HEY! You guys are supposed to be having your climactic end battle! WE WANT A CLIMACTIC END BATTLE!!"
Joe and Black Star: " SHUT THE FUDGE UP! WE'RE TIRED, OKAY!"
So rather than have two very deadly ninja get pissed and go ape-doody on the director's ass, Sam issues a 5 minute break. After 5 minutes, Joe and Black Star resume their fight. Black Star jumps into the fountain, the only other place they hadn't fought in yet. Joe jumps in and draws his sword as well. The water is all murky and full of floaty plants so they are all sneaky hunting each other. Even though they're like six or so feet away from each other in the fountain.
Black Star: " Marco."
Joe: " Polo."
Black Star: (getting closer) " Marco."
Joe: " Polo."
Black Star: (behind Joe) " Marco."
Joe: (gripping sword)" Polo..."
The two start their awesome sword battle in the water. They fight super-cool style, matching blow for blow. Which is kinda hard to do in water. And in a fountain. Then the two do this move that gets them locked back to back.
Joe: " My underwear is soaked. This is so uncomfortable. "
Black Star: " You're telling me. I hope that's a coy swimming around my ankle..."
Joe and Black Star continue the fight, pumped with adrenaline, testosterone, and caffeine from about 8 Dr. Peppers each. Finally, Joe gets the upper hand on his foe.
Joe: " Look over there, it's Sho Kosugi!"
Black Star turns as well as the whole audience, Sam, and the writer of the story, and everyone else.
Audience: " WHERE?"
Sam: (holding a sack of money and a contract and uncapped pen) "Where?! That guy makes for better ninja movies than all of you guys put together!"
Joe sticks Black Star with his sword.
Black Star: " Ugh! I hate it when people use Sho Kosugi to deceive me!"
Audience: " Sho's not here? Aaaaawww." (sits back down, disappointed)
Writer: "Wait, so there isn't a cameo by Mr. Kusogi?"
Sam: "Nope. It's...it's...not in the script!!" (waving script around madly before bursting into tears)
Everyone looks sad at seeing poor Mr. Firstenburg undone by his own script writing so Joe uses his special ninja magic to help. He climbs out of the fountain, sneaks over to Sam who is still distracted, grabs the script and quickly rewrites some stuff into it. Then he stuffs it back into Sam's hand and sneaks back to the fountain.
Writer: "Mr. Director, why don't you check that script again."
Sam finally finishes sobbing and looks back at the script.
Sam: (sniffling) " Why? It's all just a bunch of- Hey, wait...End Battle....fountain scene.....Joe and Black Star Ninja fight, Joe uses Sho Kusogi cameo as distraction. It appears to be a ruse, but then Sho really appears!"
Sam starts smiling excitedly.
Sam: "It's in the script!"
Epic Sho Kusogi Cameo: "Hello."
Audience: (cheering madly and throwing confetti while waving giant ninja magic hand sign foam hands) "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
Black Star stops pretending to die and steps out of the fountain.
Black Star: "Awesome! I have got to get an autograph!" (to Ortega) " HA! You still have to dieeee. Nya Nyaa! Later, sucker."
He then runs off to change clothes and grab his autograph book before the crowd around Sho gets too big.
Joe: (pouting) "I wish I was a popular ninja."
Writer: "Aw. You're popular with the cheesy 80s ninja flick cult crowd, Joe. Tell you what. I promise after all this is over, we'll all go out for ice cream.
Everyone: " YAAAAAAAY!"
Sam: (signing Sho into a movie deal) "Then lets get this damn thing over with!"
Sho: "I just got twenty million dollars for speaking this line."
So the end resumes with Joe charging off after Ortega.
Ortega: (slamming fists on back of the pilot's chair) "Crud! Fly! Fly!! Go!!"
The pilot lifts off and the helicopter hovers around kinda low at first. Joe runs over and jumps onto the landing bar thingy of the chopper in a scene oddly reminiscent of another ninja movie done by a certain director guy whose first name starts with S! and ends with F!
Camera shot of cryptically mentioned person casually drinking a mountain Dew with Sho off screen.
Whatever. Joe is lifted up into the air and swung around dangerously on the helicopter as it flys around over Ortega's compound. Ortega spots the pesky ninja struggling to hold onto the metal bar thing. He shoves Particia into a corner of the chopper and sticks his head out of the window to shoot at Joe.
Ortega: " Die you stinking goodie goodie!"
He fires shots at Joe.
Joe manages to avoid the bullets as they whiz by his head. As if hanging from a moving helicopter wasn't dangerous enough. What could possibly be going through his brain?
Joe: (thinking) AAAAAAAHHHHHH! MOTHER-"
Back on the ground GI Jackson runs to the truck loaded with super weapons of mass destruction and rummages through it looking for something good. He tosses stuff out of the truck and a couple guns go off killing Ortega flunkies in the distance.
Jackson: " Aww, HELL YEAH!"
He lifts up the giant honkin' mega super gun and holds it triumphantly.
Jackson: " This outta make fer a good blowin'-up-a-helicopter scene!"
He runs out to where the chopper is and points the gun up at it.
Jackson: "C'mon Joe! Kick that crumpet-eatin' bitch's ass!"
Joe uses his jungle-ninja skills to swing around the bottom of the helicopter and piss off psycho Ortega who's so drunk he chases Joe out onto the bar. Joe manages to knock the gun out of his hand and kick him in the face a few times. They struggle and finally Ortega's dumb ass realizes he can't fight Joe 'cause Joe's too cool, so he gets back in the chopper and pouts. Joe then shimmies his way around to the side of the chopper and puts a shuriken in the slit of his tabi and prepares to flick it at the pilot...no wait a minute! Wrong movie!
Joe: (putting shuriken back in his pocket) "Oh yeah. Sorry about that."
Instead he yanks open the door on the other side and grabs Patricia who still hasn't stopped complaining. She screams and Joe socks Ortega in the face one last time for good measure and then grabs the still screaming Patricia and attempts to get her out of the chopper. Which means falling a long way onto a rooftop.
Patricia: "NO WAY! NO WAY am i jumping out of a helicopter! I've already been in a car crash, thrown into a river, dragged through a jungle, kidnapped, held for ransom and slapped on two non consecutive occasions! I DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!!"
Everybody: " STOP COMPLAINING!!SHEEEEESH!!"
Joe: " Yeah, please. I don't think I can take much more. Besides, don't be such a baby. Its only a 30ft drop!"
Patricia screams even louder and Joe jumps with her onto a roof of a nearby building. How dramatic! You can barely see the catch net! Oops. My bad. Jackson who had gotten bored and was off camera talking to Sam about letting him be in a few sequels realizes Joe and his girl are clear and its now time for the big expensive explosion scene. He grabs the mega gun and points it at the helicopter. He then yells "BA-BA-BA-BOOM!!" for no apparent reason other than its a fun thing to yell out for no reason while firing heavy weaponry, and lets a giant missile fly which blows the chopper and Ortega into a million bite-sized pieces! YAAAAAAAY!!
Audience: (cheering and throwing stuff into the air) "YEEEEEE-HAAAAAW!"
Sam: (sitting in lawn chair) " Now that's a climactic ending!"
Black Star: (also in lawn chair and wearing shades again) "Cool!"
Sho: (raising a glass of champagne) "Nice."
A stage hand comes in and lays another briefcase full of money at his feet.
Sam: "Ah, Mr. Kosugi, sir. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to stop talking now or we're gonna be way over budget."
Sho: "Oops. Sorry. Oh, I mean...Sorry again!" (puts hand over his mouth and nods)
Sam: (cringing but then smiling again) "Ah, no big."
Back to the plot. Jackson kisses his new favorite weapon and runs over to the building to congratulate Joe. Joe carries Patricia to the edge of the roof like a gentleman. Jackson who's waiting on the ground below signals to Joe that he'll catch her. For some reason Joe is either very trusting of Jackson or very tired of lugging Patricia around and tosses her off the roof.
Patricia: " AAAAAAAH!"
A loud crash is heard. After a moment the scene is edited to a version where it looks like Jackson catches Patricia but shes looking pissed and has a big bandage on her forehead.
Patricia: (sarcastically) " Thanks a lot, Joe."
Jackson: " Sorry, guess his aim was a little off."
Back on the rooftop Joe stands triumphantly and takes off his mask. The camera zooms in slowly on his handsome visage as he mugs all cute-like for the end scene. Then the camera smacks him in the head because it zooms in too close.
Joe: " Ow! (rubs head)
Camera Guy: " Sorry."
The scene shifts to a overhead heli-camera shot of the Ortega compound and all the dead guys strewn around on the ground. Then some horrible horn music begins playing again as some big credits start coming up. The music is promptly replaced with the "Revenge of the Ninja/Ninja III" type epic theme music by Rob Walsh, because it's a heck of a lot better than that horn crap end theme this film got stuck with.
And so happy ending is had; Patricia was sent to a nearby hospital where she complained all she wanted and nobody was bothered because nobody paid any atattention. Jackson signed to be in two upcoming sequels and enlisted with the GI Joes so he could ride in a tank and blow stuff up all the time. Black Star ninja who was not really killed in this fic thanks to script intervention gave up his evil ways and decided to go back to being a good ninja sensei and a part time Benihana chef. He also signed up to make a cameo in one of the other upcoming American Ninja sequels and do some cool stuff with an apple and a sword and play Gamegear. Joe and the rest of the group and the whole audience went out for ice cream like the writer promised. Joe got some chocolate chunk. The writer got super fudge mint blast. Sho got a waffle cone which made the budget go over slightly more, but Sam didn't really care anymore because he was making a fat wad off of direct to video film sales thanks to cult flowers who like cheesy 80s action movies that contain ninjas. So sprinkles and crunched up Oreos were on the house.
And that is of course...
...Or is it?
No, I was just kidding. It really is the end.