Let them know you're alive (scream so that they can hear you) by planet p

Disclaimer I don't own the Pretender or any of its characters.

2000

Her breath catches, and suddenly she can't breathe. She hopes that it is just her asthma, but she knows it isn't. She'd cry if it wasn't so hard to breathe.

She's taking her biology exam in some stuffy hall. It's her best subject and she loves it, but she can't breathe. Debbie's waiting outside, waiting to put her arms around her and ask her how it went, what are her thoughts, her feelings.

The pencil slips from her hand and slides over the surface of the desk; she doesn't hear it hit the floor. She hears her breathing, but now it's his breathing, too. No, no. Her panic is an emptiness in her chest; no air.

She can't speak but she needs to scream, Wait!

I'm coming.

Breath rushes back into her lungs, making her dizzy. Tears slide out of her eyes; she feels them but they're not real; they're stupid and she hates them; they mean he's gone, and she hates that! He's not gone!

Feelings rush in, trying to take his place, already. She knows, then, that he's really gone. Too late, she thinks. She pushes all of those other feelings away; in her heart, he's still there. She won't let anything ever change that.

Her tears continue, but nobody comes up to her, nobody says anything. She isn't loud; she just can't stop them. She doesn't want to.

She tries to force her thoughts to concentrate; she knows he'd want her to do well. I will, she promises silently.

She bends over and picks up her pencil. She reads the question again and writes down her answer, then moves on to the next question.

The time runs out; she doesn't leave right away. She tries to pull herself together for Debbie. She'll make something really nice tonight and they can share it tomorrow at school; she'll do some study in the library. Maybe she'll make a cake, or a slice, something with fruit. Apple, she decides. Kyle's favourite.

Finally, she steps outside. It's gotten blowy and it's cold. Debbie flies into her arms and hugs her; she holds her tightly and digs her scarf out of her bag and gives it to her. Debbie smiles; she smiles, too. It feels warmer. Love you, little sister.

Debbie's dad picks them up. She's only met Debbie's dad once before; it was at some school thing. She knows he doesn't like her. She's a Goth; he probably thinks she wants to be dead. Before she can stop them, tears slide down her face, even before her hand is on the handle, winding down the window to let the air in that'll let her breathe again.

Debbie's sitting up the front with her dad; she got the backseat. She doesn't hear Debbie's words. Before nothing, she remembers Kyle's last feeling; if it had been a word it would have been Oh. It was disappointment; not anger, just disappointment. I guess I'm alone.

She tries to wipe away her tears. Go away, she tells them. She knows what he'd been waiting for; she thinks that the last thing that he'd thought was that guardian angels were a load of crap!

She wants to hold his hand, she wants him to know that she's hurt. That he was silly but she gets it; she wishes she could tell him that she loves him and that it'd just be alright. I love you, she thinks, but he's not there to hear.

I'm not mad at you for being sick; I never was. I only wanted you to get better; I never doubted that you could, one day. Why did you do something so stupid? Why did you have to be a selfish bastard?!

She stops wiping her tears away. She can't help thinking she's on the wrong side of a conspiracy; that they'd planned this together all along. But she can't quite believe her father would go along with something like that, then it hits her: what he'd known and Kyle hadn't.

She screams.

She doesn't want to believe it!

She doesn't feel the car race to a stop, the sharp jerk of the seatbelt holding her against the seat.

She screams at the top of her voice.

She doesn't catch Debbie's dad's thoughts, seventeen and already mad! What is the world coming to?

She can't believe her dad would let Kyle do something like that! But now she thinks that not only did he let him; he was the one to give him a way out! Kyle would think it was a moment of compassion, but it was nothing but a lie! It was for her – for Lin!

She howls; all of it is killing her and she only wants Kyle back!

She doesn't hear Debbie speaking to her, she doesn't hear Debbie's dad's voice; she doesn't feel the cold air coming in from outside.

She knows this isn't what's supposed to happen, but she can't stop what she feels! She can only translate the horror and loneliness; it doesn't have words, it's only sound! It has to be vocalised, it has to be heard. It's killing her! She needs someone to save her!

She's alone! Her screams are her only companions. They go on and on. They hurt her ears. When they stop, she knows she'll die.

Her seatbelt is unbuckled; she doesn't know when that happened, she doesn't care. She lurches out of her seat and out of the car; she lands hard on the ground. Dirt digs its way under her fingernails; her throat is sore from screaming.

She curls up into a ball; she imagines tall trees. She's deaf from the screaming; she doesn't hear the wind. She imagines that she smells pines and not the ocean. She listens to the sounds of the trees; she listens to their secrets but she doesn't need to know what they're saying. They're secrets, after all. It's enough to be able to hear them. She wants to smile, but for some reason she can't. How strange, she thinks.

It's cold; someone puts their arms around her, it's daddy. She smiles. The trees are suddenly quiet. Daddy hugs her tightly; he's so sorry, he tells her. He's so sorry. She doesn't listen to his words; she can't remember the last time he hugged her. She only smiles.

Then she hears Debbie's voice; there are tears in her voice. She finds that she's sitting up; it's Debbie hugging her, not daddy. Debbie's dad looks unhappy; he didn't want Debbie to touch her, Debbie didn't listen to him and now he's angry.

She holds Debbie and tells her that she's sorry, so sorry. She sounds just like her daddy.