|Make Like A Banana
Author: Jaswinder PM
Bakura and Ryou were sick of being stuck in the same body. With Yami's help, they're split into two seperate people, but not without some strings attached... Bakura x Ryou, shonen-ai, hilarity.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Yami Bakura & R. Bakura - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,870 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 49 - Updated: 03-23-10 - Published: 03-06-10 - id: 5796920
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Soon enough, they were home, sitting on the couch. Bakura was rather disgruntled. He had had all sorts of evil plans he had wanted to carry out as soon as he got his own body, and every single one was ruined. He couldn't even take control of Ryou and 'drive' him somewhere.
Ryou seemed to be faring better. He was quite content to lean back against the couch, meditating on the blessed inner peace his mind had without a tomb-robber living in it. But the fact that said tomb-robber was now sitting beside him - and was actually flesh and blood instead of an illusion - was enough to keep him on his guard.
It was so nice and quiet in his head, though, he could just close his eyes and...
He was about to fall asleep when he felt someone trying to rifle through his pocket as discreetly as possible.
"Hey!" Ryou snapped awake and Bakura quickly withdrew his hand, scowling and muttering at being caught. "For Pete's sake, I don't even have anything to steal."
"Figures," Bakura grumbled, looking at all he had been able to procure from the pocket - a sizable piece of lint. "How can I go without stealing something?! You don't have anything good, and this stupid circle..."
"I don't know, normal people manage just fine," Ryou snorted.
Bakura just sat there, stewing, while Ryou threatened to nod off again - when a loud growl from the taller boy woke him up.
"What was that for?" Ryou glared over at him, but Bakura looked just as confused as he did. Curiously, the former spirit poked at his stomach. The prodding elicited another growl, and Bakura nearly leapt out of his seat, quickly withdrawing his hand as though it might be bit. Ryou raised an eyebrow.
"What's this strange... empty... burbley feeling?" Bakura wondered out loud, cautiously tapping his abdomen again.
"Oh, come on. You must have been in control at least once when my body got hungry," Ryou folded his arms, "I really don't see how anyone can forget what being hungry feels like."
"I ignored all those stupid signals your body sent!" Bakura was still studying his lower half intently, "Hunger, huh... well, it has been 3000 years since I've eaten." He glanced over at the kitchen, and then back at his former hikari, who was starting to fall asleep again. "Vessel!"
"Snhuhwah?" Ryou blinked his eyes open.
"Take me to the kitchen."
"I'm not your vessel!"
"Well, what do you want me to call you?!"
"Try, I don't know, my name?"
"Feh! I have a name for you. Girlyboy, take me to the kitchen!"
"Take yourself, bunny-ears."
"They're NOT bunny-ears! They're HORNS OF EVIL!"
Ryou was about to retort, when he noticed the circle had started glowing angrily and quickly retracting. He yelped and threw himself as far away from the edge as he could. This ended up being the other end of the couch.
Bakura blinked dumbly as Ryou flung himself into his lap. "What do you think you're --" He then noticed the quickly shrinking circle, and both Bakurae clung to each other out of sheer terror.
The circle stopped short of Bakura's sneakers. He and Ryou stared down at it with wide eyes, but they realized it wasn't going to shrink any more. And then they realized the questionable position they had taken up.
"Well... this is awkward," Bakura muttered.
"Don't you dare drop me!" Ryou threatened, trying to fold up into as small a space as he could while keeping a death-grip on Bakura's neck. "Or move in any way at all."
Bakura sat there helplessly, burdened with an armful of Ryou. His legs were starting to get cramped, and the fact Ryou was sitting on them and cutting off his circulation wasn't helping. He was about to politely ask Ryou to move, when he realized he was being strangled, too, and all that came out was a weird croaking gasp.
Ryou, who had taken up watching the circle intently, blinked at the strange sound coming out of his former yami. "What was that?"
Bakura croaked again, turning a little blue in the face. And his mind chose this particular moment in time to come upon a revelation; he was quite mortal now, and fully capable of dying. But if he tried to move either of his hands out from beneath Ryou, the hikari would probably kill him on purpose. He tried croaking louder.
"What is wrong with you? ...oh." Sheepishly, Ryou noticed he was crushing his ex-yami's windpipe. He coughed and loosened his grip just enough for him to breath, which he did gratefully, gasping like a fish out of water. After his lungs weren't screaming for oxygen at him, he narrowed his eyes down at Ryou and gave him the frowning of a lifetime.
Ryou just set a finger on his chin innocently, looking up at Bakura with almost freakishly huge brown eyes, framed by his snow-white bangs. "Sorry, yami..." He said in his sweetest tone, with his cute, faint posh accent...
Bakura almost whimpered. He could feel his teeth rotting. Never before had he been suggested to such sheer... kawaiiness. He was seriously afraid for his solid state, since that kid could melt anything with those eyes. "Stop that!"
"Stop what?" Ryou tilted his head to one side, causing his bangs to fall over his face. He knew he was laying it on thick, but... well, his former yami might just decide to toss him out of the circle anyway if he didn't, consequences be damned.
"That!" Bakura sputtered, squirming. His legs were falling asleep.
Ryou's newly acquired evil side enjoyed seeing Bakura flustered, wondering just how much he could get away with. He let out a cute little yawn, murmuring and snuggling into his warm new seat to get comfortable, "I'm not doing anything..."
Bakura made a funny whining-snorting sound - and then his stomach growled loudly again, causing both of them to blink and look down. The thief frowned. He really wished his ex-hikari was a giant steak, instead of an ex-hikari. Hmm... hikari... hickory... hikari styled steak?
"Bakura!" Ryou suddenly shrieked, trying to scramble away from his 'twin' while still remaining in his lap and the circle.
"You're drooling again! Ugh, that's disgusting! I don't even want to know what you're thinking about!"
"Hikari steak... er... hickory."
Ryou gave him a thoroughly disturbed look. He had known his yami had a taste for blood, but cannibalism?
"Why don't... we... order a pizza or something," Ryou spoke slowly as he tried to placate the tomb robber, who was still staring at him thoughtfully and probably imagining a giant t-bone where his head was.
Of course, Ryou seated in such a questionable place as he was, there were entirely other reasons Bakura could be staring at him like that, but he quickly shoved those thoughts back down into whatever dark recess they had sprung from. Great - his new built-in dark side was not only evil, but dirty-minded as well.
"We can ask for every kind of meat they have on it!" He stammered, tapping his fingers together and really hoping he wasn't blushing, or if he was going red, Bakura was just imagining raw steak in place of his face. "L-look, the phone's right over here on the end table, I'll just reach over, and... uh..."
The cell phone was at the far end of the table. Tentatively, he reached out for it, half afraid that his hand would disappear into the Shadow Realm. His position made things rather difficult, though, and as he groped blindly for the phone, he felt it slip off the table and clatter to the floor. Ryou bit back a curse. This was like some bad, messed-up horror movie.
"Okay, we can still get it, we'll just have to move really carefully, and..." Ryou trailed off. Bakura's silence was worrying. "...uh, Bakura?"
He glanced up. The thief was grinning at him strangely and muttered something about a pretty steak, obviously delirious with hunger. Ryou really hoped it was hunger, at least. Unable to take it anymore, he whimpered and covered his head with his arms, "Don't eat me!"
Bakura blinked stupidly and snapped out of his trance. "Huh? Eat you?"
Ryou nodded made another whimpery sound, trying to curl into a tiny ball. Bakura was confused. Normally, he would have prided himself on making his hikari terrified, but now it was worrisome. Why?
He glanced down at the floor and his eyes widened. Oh. That was why. It had started to expand before, but with Ryou scared of him, it was closing in on his sneakers once again.
"Ryou, stop! You're making the circle shrink!" He tried shaking the smaller boy, but the ex-hikari just whined.
"Ugh, you wuss!" Bakura snorted, "I'm not going to do anything! Crazy..."
Ryou blinked and lifted his head, looking at Bakura with those huge brown eyes again. "P-promise?"
"Yes! Now get up so we can get that phone."
Ryou tentatively complied, carefully extracting himself from Bakura's lap and looking around to see where the edge of the circle was. The thief stood up as well, and they carefully edged toward the phone, waiting until the circle had slowly regained a decent diameter before Ryou leaned down and snatched the phone off the ground. He dialed the number of the pizza place, and before long, the Bakurae were sitting on the couch again, waiting for the food to arrive.
Bakura had managed to find the remote wedged beneath some of the couch cushions, and was happily channel surfing, lingering on the channel for a moment, laughing at whatever was going on, before flipping to the next one. Ryou just sat on his end of the couch and shook his head. Yami did that too - Ryou and Yugi had been ready to chalk it up to being a yami habit when they discovered that Joey and Tristan were avid surfers as well. Tea said it was a guy thing, and Ryou and Yugi took offense at that, since they were guys, dammit, they just weren't very... well... yeah.
Bakura came to a stop when they found a documentary about Egypt. "Man, that place sure looks worse than it did when I left it."
"Centuries of harsh desert conditions, occupation, and re-occupation will do that to a civilization," Ryou sighed and stared at the TV. Bakura started laughing again, even though the documentary was just talking about the mummification process.
"They took the brain out through the nose? That's rich!" The tomb-robber snickered.
Ryou stared at him in bewilderment. "You didn't know that?"
"How would I? I never mummified anyone," Bakura snorted, then made a face as they started talking about canopic jars, as though disturbed by an unpleasant memory.
Ryou just shook his head when he realized that he might just know more about Egypt than this Egyptian spirit, when the doorbell rang. Suddenly, the documentary held no interest to Bakura. Being a firm believer in the idea that the quickest way to any destination was a straight line, he was trying to clamber over the back of the couch, his frenzied hunger and the promise of greasy cheese making him forget about the realm of eternal darkness and creepy stuff that awaited him just beyond the boundaries of the magic circle.
Luckily, Ryou was not so single minded, and managed to restrain his former yami by hanging onto his ankles. "No! You'll probably maul the poor delivery guy! Let me handle this."
Reluctantly, Bakura restrained himself and stiffly followed Ryou to the door, not liking being bossed around by a short little hikari at all. But what could he do? Any action against Ryou would make the circle shrink, and they couldn't get any pizza if he was in the Shadow Realm. He hadn't gotten to be the King of Thieves by not knowing when to swallow his pride and let the other guy think he was in control, nosiree.
When the door opened, the delivery guy was greeted with the disturbing sight of two nearly identical white-haired boys staring at him, one looking exasperated, the other looking as though he'd like to tear someone apart. He was glad it was the exasperated one that gave him the money and took the pizza, allowing Delivery Guy to get out of there without coming to bodily harm.
Once Ryou had closed the door, Bakura swiftly stole the pizza out of his hands, hefting the warm cardboard box up victoriously, just out of Ryou's reach. "Hah! Mine!"
"I paid for it!"
"So? I'm bigger than you," Bakura pointed out the obvious, turning his back to Ryou and opening the box. "Besides, I haven't eaten in thousands of years! You just ate this morning."
"If we don't share, the circle will shrink," Ryou retorted curtly, glaring up at the ex-yami.
"Yeah... but... feh." Bakura could find no counter-argument, and grumbled. "Fine. You can have a small piece."
"I should get at least half of the pizza!"
"A half and a quarter."
"Fine then, that sounds reason -- HEY!"
Bakura bristled at his sneaky little vessel, while Ryou just smiled innocently. They sat on the couch and placed the box between themselves, and were soon too caught up in downing slices of greasy pizza to concern themselves with fighting.
"Mmf!" Bakura said while holding up two slices in each hand, sauce decorating his face and shirt, "I forgot how much I loved eating!"
"Great," Ryou muttered. Knowing his luck, his yami would end up being one of those teenage boys with insanely high metabolisms that would eat him out of house and home. How was he going to explain to his father that he suddenly needed extra money for twice as many groceries? 'Oh, you know those ancient Egyptian spirits given flesh, their stomachs are bottomless pits'?
After only a few pieces, Ryou was full, and he left the rest of the box to his porcine yami-turned-roommate. Bakura somehow managed to get more sauce than could possibly have been on the pizza on himself, the couch, the TV, the ceiling - Ryou didn't know how he did it, since he was stuffing his face too quickly for the naked eye to follow.
Bakura was about to snatch up the very last piece in the box and cram it down his gullet when it seemed to click in his head that Ryou had only had a whopping two slices. He hesitated for a moment - Ryou didn't seem to want any more, but if he was a selfish pig, the circle might start closing in again. Politeness was not something that was in his nature. Was he losing his touch, or was his infernal new conscience acting up already?
"Um," the thief started, with his mouth still full of the last piece he had eaten, "you... uh... sure you don't want any more?" he asked hesitantly, cringing.
Ryou stared over at him in disbelief, blinking stupidly. "What did you say? I must be going insane, since I could have sworn I heard you being almost polite."
"I asked if you were sure you didn't want the last slice, but if you're going to be smart about it, forget it," Bakura grumbled, sounding almost... hurt? No, he was probably just sulking.
Ryou frowned, "Well... um... why don't we split it?"
Bakura perked at the suggestion, and quickly tore the slice in half, since he enjoyed tearing things almost as much as eating them. He handed Ryou half, and they finished in silence - Ryou noted that Bakura didn't even complain when he ended up with the smaller half.
The ex-hikari glanced over at his ex-yami, who had gone back to laughing at the television and spraying bits of half-chewed pizza as he did so.
Maybe this won't be quite as bad as I thought.
Foot notes: Canopic jars were covered jars stored in the tomb of a mummified person - they contained the various major organs of the deceased, all except the heart, which was left in the body to be weighed by Osiris. The Egyptians believed that the organs of a person could be used against them once they were dead, so they put them in these jars to protect them.
Needless to say, any novice tomb-robber that happened upon some of these jars in a fresh tomb and reached in hoping to find shinies would be in for a nasty surprise.