|Knit Knots' Wife
Author: Artemis J. Halk PM
I wanted you to meet someone. This is my wife, Carol Knots." Everyone's jaw dropped to the floor. Rated for strong-ish adult content.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Knit Knots & unknown - Words: 2,498 - Published: 03-14-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5816969
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Requested story (of sorts) for Katy. Hope you like it.
Knit Knots' Wife
"Movers, Nina, Kitty." Knit Knots greeted his neighbors in his usual boring monotone.
"Hi, Knit Knots!" The Movers exclaimed.
"Hey, Uncle Knit Knots! Did you need me for something."
"Oh, not today, Nina." Knit Knots sighed. "I told you yesterday that I was going to take today off. But, I wanted you to meet someone, though." He motioned towards the Warehouse door and a woman stepped into the Warehouse, wearing a beige skirt-suit to match Knit Knots'. "This is my wife, Carol Knots."
The Movers', Nina's and Kitty's jaws dropped to the floor.
"Knit Knots is married?" They all asked in unison.
"Yes." Knit Knots agreed. "I have been married for fifty, blissful years."
"It was more blissful when you were back in Borovia." Carol said. She even sounded like Knit Knots, too."Having a husband who lives in the very excited United States, let alone the extremely exciting New Orleans is not at all boring. These past few years where Knit Knots has been living here, under the direction of the Official Boring Company has been hard and exciting for me. Hard, because it's exciting, you see, to receive letters from my boring husband who lives in the very exciting New Orleans and shares a commercial lot with four very exciting neighbors."
"Well, it is very nice to meet you, Aunt Carol." Nina stepped forward to shake her new-found aunt's hand.
"This is our niece, Nina. You remember my sister, Kelsey Knots, don't you, Carol? The one who ran off to America to be... promiscuous." Knit Knots and Carol shuddered at the thought of Knit Knots' little sister's excitement.
"It is very nice to meet you, Nina. And by nice, I mean boring." Carol shook Nina's hand.
"How long are you in town for, Carol?" Rich asked as they moved forward to be introduced to the boring woman.
"Just for the week, I'm afraid. And by afraid, I mean greatful. Because New Orleans is much to exciting for me. One week in New Orleans is just about all of the excitement I can take for probably the rest of my life."
"Now you know how I feel." Knit Knots sighed and Carol nodded in agreement.
"Besides, I have a Boring Club meeting that I'm hosting next weekend, too. So, I have to be home to host what will hopefully be the most boring party ever."
"Well, we're glad to have you, for whatever short of a period that you are here, Carol!" Smitty informed the beige woman.
"Thank you, Smitty." Carol looked to him and gave him a Borovian version of a smile. "We Borovians might be boring, but that leaves no excuses for rude. Especially when it comes to hosting other people."
"Um..." Kitty tugged on Scott's sleeve.
"Yes, what is it, my little potato-bug?" Scott asked, turning to the music teacher.
"This is the week that my sister, Alanna, is coming to visit." Kitty whispered.
"What? Can't you call her and say to come next week?"
"She texted me two hours ago saying that she was just boarding her plane."
"Well, when is she due to arrive?"
"Um..." Kitty thought about it for a second before the door to the Warehouse was kicked open.
"Hola! Dónde está Kitty?!" A woman who looked like Kitty with a serious tan and bleached-blond hair stepped into the Warehouse, holding her suitcases.
"Now." Kitty groaned.
"This is the most boring restaurant in all of New Orleans, Carol." Knit Knots explained to his wife as the Movers, Kitty, Alanna, Nina and the Knots were shown to a table by a waitress. "And even that to say that this restaurant is boring is a bit of a stretch, you understand."
"Yes." Carol agreed, looking at the green uniforms of the servers.
"Here you go!" The Waitress smiled at the large group, dollar-signs flashing in her eyes when she thought of the tips that she would make from such a large group. She passed out menus as they sat down. "I'll be back shortly to take down drink orders!"
"Might I suggest the oysters, dear?" Knit Knots started as they opened their menus. "While the flavor is much to be discussed, the color would suit your outfit nicely."
"Yes. I completely agree." Carol nodded.
"So, how was the trip?" Kitty asked, mentally wincing, just waiting for Alanna to embarrass her or the group.
"It was soooo awesome!" Alanna exclaimed. "They had all of these little bottles and the steward kept giving them to me!" Alanna pulled out one bottle that was still full and drank it down. "And they had the biggest bathrooms that I have ever seen on an airplane! I don't know why, though!" Kitty sighed, putting her head in her hand in shame. "Oh MY God, Kitty! You have GOT to hook me up with your friends! Which ones are single?"
"Um..." Kitty looked around at the Movers.
"Taken!" Dave lied loudly. The prospect of dating Kitty's public embarrassment of a sister was just to much for him to handle even thinking about.
"Proudly attached to your sister." Scott declared, putting his arm awkwardly around Kitty's waist.
"My girlfriend may not be here right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm not taken!" Smitty announced. Everyone looked to Rich. He and Nina were holding hands and sweetly talking in low voices.
"Oh MY God! There is NO fun to be had here, Kitty! Why ever did you invite me?"
"Um... You invited yourself." Kitty reminded her sister. "If I had my way, you'd still be gallivanting about Mexico with cabana boys." Alanna sighed dramatically.
"Yes. I do so miss it! But, YOU insisted!" Kitty's temple throbbed.
"How is Kelly, then?" Knit Knots changed the subject.
"She is as boring as ever, just like always, Knit." Carol answered. "Straight A's, of course. She's looking to get into Borovia Academy, like all of us Knots' before her!"
"I'm so proud of her." Knit Knots gave the Borovian version of a huge grin.
"Who's Kelly?" Nina asked politely.
"Kelly is our daughter, of course. Surely I mentioned her before." Everyone's jaw dropped onto the table.
"No. You've never mentioned any of my family before, Uncle Knit Knots."
"That's because work-time gossip is much to exciting." Knit Knots replied evenly. The waitress came back to take drink orders and then left again.
"Oh MY God!" Alanna sighed, looking through the menu. "There is SOOOOO much delicious-sounding food here, I'm not sure what I want to eat!"
"Might I suggest the oysters? They are a lovely bland color, although I usually find the taste to be much to exciting."
"Wow, that DOES sound good!" Alanna agreed, looking at the description for the shell-fish. "I think I WILL order oysters!"
After dinner, Knit Knots took Carol back to his house, claiming off "to much excitement for one night". Nina wished them goodnight and Alanna started whining about wanting to do something fun. So, they ended up at a little corner-street bar with a live jazz-band that was neither great nor completely awful.
"Whoo! Now THIS is New Orleans!" Alanna screamed as she danced off-beat with two other guys, holding bottles of beer in each hand.
"Well, at least we've ditched two of the losers in our party..." Kitty sighed, resting her cheek on her fist as she watched Alanna dance. "Now only if we could loose her..."
"You know what..." Dave sighed, taking a drink from his beer bottle. "I take back what I said earlier."
"About what?" Rich asked the bassist.
"It was something that Kitty and I talked about..." Dave started. "I was a little miserable that I was the only one in the group left who didn't have a girlfriend, and Kitty offered to hook me up with her cousin, Lily. I said that I'd rather marry Warehouse Mouse, but then decided that at least Lily is the same species as me!"
"And now you're not so sure about that?!" Kitty yelled over the music.
"WHOOOOOOO!" Alanna screamed as she danced past their table, four guys following after Kitty's slutty sister. Kitty sighed, drained her beer in one giant gulp and flagged down a waiter to bring her another.
"Take it easy, Kitten. It's hardly 1800." Scott commented.
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love New Orleans!" Alanna screamed, climbing up onto the stage and flashing her breasts to the bar patrons. She was already completely smashed.
"On second though..." Scott waved for the waiter to bring him another beer, as did the others. "If we're going to be spending excess time with your sister, we might as well be to drunk to remember it tomorrow!"
Meanwhile, the owner of the bar was having Alanna thrown out. Kitty held up her bottle to the others.
"Here's to family!" Kitty announced.
"Cheers!" The other agreed, glad that they were not related to someone like Alanna.
"At least Uncle Knit Knots and Aunt Carol would never get kicked out of a bar." Nina piped up.
"They'd never go to a bar." Rich informed Nina. "It's much to exciting!" They all laughed. "Very true, Rich." Nina agreed. She finished her one drink and looked to Rich. "I think that we should head home now."
"Okay. I guess we'll see you guys tomorrow." Rich said as they stood up to leave.
"Well, there goes part of the party..." Kitty sighed, playing with her drink. "At least Alanna left."
"Don't you care about what sort of trouble that she'll get into on her own and drunk in New Orleans?" Dave questioned the remaining female. Kitty threw back her head and laughed.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Dave?" Kitty asked him. "If I had a dollar for every time that my sister was left alone and drunk wandering a strange city, I'd be a billionaire!"
"Okay." Dave nodded in agreement. "I think that we all pretty much know that that's what your family is like at this point."
"Yeah. How long has it been since we've meet you?" Scott asked, blinking sheepishly at his girlfriend. Kitty only shrugged.
"I don't keep track of those sorts of things. You should know that by now, sweetie." Kitty answered honestly.
"Well, I think that we need to write you a song, Kitty!" Smitty exclaimed. Kitty shrugged again, pulling on Scott's arm.
"Lets go, babe, and do the opposite of whatever it is we think that Knit Knots and Carol are doing."
"Okay." Scott got up from the booth and put some money down on the table for their drinks. "Have fun, you two."
"Ooh, there's that exciting girl from yesterday." Carol commented as Alanna stepped into Knit Knots' office.
"Isn't this where Kitty works?" Alanna asked, squinting at the Borovian natives.
"I think that you must be confused." Knit Knots sighed, standing up to lead Alanna outside. "Kitty works at a school, which is obviously a place where you should familiarize yourself with, you uneducated vagrant."
"Wha'da mean that Kitty works at a school? She's never been to school before!"
"Please leave." Knit Knots shoved Alanna out of his office and shut and locked the door to make sure that she didn't attempt to come back. Alanna stumbled along until she managed to stumble into the Idea Warehouse.
"Hey, Alanna!" The Movers greeted her.
"Oh... No yelling, please! I'm so completely hung over..." Alanna grumbled, sinking down in a chair, holding her head. "Where's Kitty?"
"She's a work." Scott informed her.
"At her school, of course." Smitty explained.
"School? Why isn't she in New York or Philadelphia or London?"
"She quit that job to be closer to me." Scott explained. Alanna chuckled.
"Kathy is such a push-over." She giggled. "Now, go make me an egg-and-spinach smoothie."
"Go make your own smoothie, Alanna. We have to practice." Rich informed the drunkard.
"Yeah. We've got a concert on Friday." Dave finished.
"Okay. And a one, two, one-two-three-four..." Rich tapped out and they started playing. Alanna cried in pain, holding a pillow over her ears.
"Movers." Knit Knots sighed, walking into the Warehouse, Carol right behind him.
"Hey, Knit Knots! Hey, Carol!"
"We're trying to work and it's hard to do so with all of that noise."
"Where is Kitty?!" Alanna growled. "SAVE ME-eeehh-ehhh-ehhh...!"
"Um... We'll be quiet just as long as you take Alanna back to your office, please."
"What, Rich?!" Scott protested. "We have-"
"It's okay, Scott." Rich reassured the pianist. "We can just head over to my house to finish our rehearsal."
"Um... Okay..." Scott picked up his keyboard under one arm, then picked up his melodica and mandolin. "Can someone get my trumpet and guitar, then?"
"Um..." Rich sighed, hanging his head.
"Well, this has been a lovely trip, Knit, but I seriously underestimated the amount of excitement that you have to live with, dear."
"It was just good to see you, even if it was only for a few days, Carol. I hope that we can be together soon."
"I do, too. Having a husband living in the very exciting New Orleans may be to much for me to handle. I will talk things over and maybe you can be brought back to Borovia and someone else can take over. Maybe an exciting teenager- someone who would get along with your to exciting neighbors and their friends."
"It is to the most of my knowledge that Alanna is only Kitty's sister, though. She was just passing through."
"Yes. But I'm glad that she left, though."
"First call for the flight to Borovia."
"That's your flight, dear. I'll see you soon."
"Has anyone seen Alanna?"
"I thought that she'd finally figured out where you were working and was hanging out with you." Rich admitted.
"I haven't seen her since after her second day here when she stumbled in, really hung over." Smitty informed Kitty. "We went home to practice for our concert tomorrow and we left her here."
"Ahh! Kitty! THERE you are!" Alanna exclaimed. "I have been looking for you for the past TWO days!"
"Where have you been, Alanna?" Kitty questioned her sister.
"I was wandering around the Warehouse and I found a room filled with men! And they had beer!"
"...Damnit! I bet she wandered into the Men-Who-Are-Tools Room!" Dave hissed, reaching for the phone. "I keep calling the police, but they neve believe it when I say that there are Tools in the Warehouse!"