Author: Zac Attack PM
An abridged version of Resistance: Fall of Man, a mocking parody which attempts to condense the FPS down to a fraction of its former size and make it funny. Enjoy the satire and character exaggerations, and laugh at the situations and jokes.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 5 - Words: 15,037 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 03-07-11 - Published: 03-20-10 - id: 5829313
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Parker: I was in Cardiff when Hale contacted me using the radio, or rather attempted to contact me. Apparently using my equipment to listen to my favourite talkshow instead of scanning military frequencies wasn't as great an idea as initially thought. Ignoring all that Hale told me he was in London, and asked whether snow was normal for July. I told him it was for certain parts of the Southern Hemisphere. Hale told me to shut up.
Parker: He informed me of a tower, far bigger than the one in Somerset. Overcompensation aside he believed it was vital to the continued functioning of the Chimera. For all I knew Hale was completely mad, at the very least I knew he smelled of cookies. And even if he was telling the truth we had no idea on how to actually destroy the tower.
Parker: But we had one new factor working in our favour. I had managed to contact the Americans, and they had rendezvoused with our forces in Cardiff. After all their officers simultaneously frothed at the mouth and fell into comas I volunteered them for the mission. Their goal would be to do all the work and take all the casualties while us British got all the glory. So you know, standard procedure.
Parker: I was relying on Hale to clear out a landing zone. If he couldn't take care of the Stalkers, then I dunno, I guess we'd have to walk or something.
Sliding down a steep bank of snow Hale finds himself in an abandoned mall, broken furniture and spoiled food everywhere.
Hale: Well this place is definitely interesting. I bet it would be great for up to sixteen people fighting in a competitive match either as a team or in a free for all.
Slowly moving forward Hale peeks around a corner. In the distance is a large group of Hybrids and Steelheads. Pressed to the wall he contemplates his arsenal.
Hale: Okay let's see. I could use my Carbine, Bullseye, Reapers, Rossmore or Auger. (Digging through his pockets) Or perhaps I could use my Fareye, Arc Charger, Hailstorm, Sapper or Dragon. (Pulling them free along with copious amounts of rubber ducks and mouse traps) But I still like the LAARK and Splitter, and they're all so conveniently invisible and weightless unless they're in my hands!
Suddenly he notices that while he was talking the Chimera have surrounded him on all sides. There are about twelve guns pointing at his face.
Hale: Son of a...
Jumping down from the upper story of a building, Hale is now outside in a large open square. In the distance two VTOL's can be seen flying towards him.
Hale: Watch out guys, I don't want my awesome new tank getting shot down by a Stalker.
VTOL Pilot: Don't worry sergeant, everything appears to be clear.
Hale: (Peering) Hold that thought, I think I see one over by that building.
VTOL Pilot: There's nothing there.
Hale: No I'm certain. He's targeting you!
VTOL Pilot: I don't believe in Stalkers.
Hale: (Yelling) He's shooting at you right now! You've got a bullet in the gut!
VTOL Pilot: Still not buying it.
Hale watches as the helicopter crashes with an annoyed look on his face, hitting the ground and bursting into flames. In the distance the hatch of the Stalker opens.
Ratchet: Revenge is mine, jerk!
Standing next to Parker, Cartwright and her watch as the helicopters and tanks pass them. Everything they had available heading straight for London.
Cartwright: Note to self: This is going to be awesome.
Parker: Don't get too excited, most of the battle is going to be off screen. There's no way our animation budget could cover something like this.
Cartwright: So we don't get anything?
Parker: Not unless you count the same black and white photos and long factual rants which have occupied most of the game so far.
Cartwright: I'll take that as a no then.
Parker: (Offering a plate) Crumpet?
Cartwright: Yes, please.
Looking out through a window, Hale sees the Stalker on the building opposite his. Currently he is counting the ways a tank would be useful in this situation.
Hale: Number 62) I could have used the tank as a shield while I set up my LAARK. Number 63) I could have rammed the tank into the building and collapsed it on the Stalker.
Of course the Stalker notices the complaining, and decides that it really doesn't appreciate Hale being such a whiny ass. With a whir it opens fire.
Hale: (Running) Number 64) I could have rigged the tank's controls and used it as a distraction. Number 65) I could have set my bullets on fire using the tank's fuel. Number 66) I could have trained a band of feral racoons and...
It is at this moment that Hale notices that he is no longer being shot at. Looking out the window he sees the Stalker is now a twisted wreck and a column of tanks is trundling past.
Hale: It's probably for the best. Racoons have terrible discipline anyway.
The tanks having just finished crossing the bridge, Captain Buckler and his men are assembled. Standing before them, he begins.
Buckler: Soldiers, things right now are a mess. Goliaths are approaching from behind and the only way we can stop them is to destroy these two bridges. The Chimera are everywhere in this city, so we've been tasked with protecting the demolition teams while they lay down the charges. Any questions?
British Soldier 1: Why can't I get a girlfriend?
Buckler: ...Any relevant questions?
British Soldier 2: Why did I sign up for this?
Buckler: ...Relevant questions from someone who isn't a total bitch?
Buckler: Yeah that's what I thought. Anyway moving on, you may have noticed the American with us. And yes, he is the protagonist. And you all know what that means. It's highly likely that we're all about to die extremely sudden and pointless deaths.
There is lots of sighing and groaning from the soldiers.
Buckler: Yeah I don't exactly like it either, but look at this way. Without us dying the Chimera wouldn't look nearly as dangerous, and who knows? Maybe someday people will even write fanfiction about us. Perhaps in the form of a mildly entertaining parody which isn't updated nearly as often as it should be.
British Soldier 1: Really, sir?
Buckler: No. Now go out there and die pointlessly already!
The first bridge destroyed and all the soldiers dead Hale steps into the wrecked tunnels of the subway station. Unfortunately despite their slogan the Chimera do not make the trains run on time, possibly due to the fact that they have all been explosively derailed.
Hale: (Looking outside) I'm still waiting on those environmental reforms as well.
Continuing onwards, killing anything which might even consider asking for his ticket, Hale moves from the station into the frozen ridges of the river. Walking through it, he comes across a group of soldiers in the snow.
Hale: Hey, didn't expect to see anyone else down here. What are you guys doing?
British Soldier 1: Reconnaissance.
Hale: Looks like you're making snowmen.
British Soldier 1: It can be two things.
Hale: Isn't this irresponsible? Having fun while your friends and allies die in a war which could very well decide the fate of humankind?
British Soldier 1: Probably.
Hale:(Scratching his head) Can I join you?
Shoving aside a corpse Hale detonates the charges under the second bridge, Goliaths apparently able to deal with entire military taskforces but not a small fall. Everything collapsing behind him he runs through a tunnel, coming across Cartwright. Seated in the back of a LYNX the Lieutenant finishes off a Stalker with the turret.
Cartwright: Damn it!
Hale: We could have used that.
Cartwright: I know, I was only trying to...wait, that's it?
Cartwright: That was your last official line of dialogue for the game.
Hale: Really? There haven't been many.
Cartwright: Tell me about it. Apart from one or two cutscenes you're practically a mute.
Hale: I suppose in order to remain faithful to the source material I shouldn't talk anymore.
Hale: Screw that.
It stood before them, four gigantic legs supporting massive guns and thick armour. Humming and groaning as it stepped forward, Hale and Cartwright could only stare at the massive monolith before them.
Hale: (From the Stalker's hatch) A Goliath?
Cartwright: A Goliath?
Parker: (Over the radio) A Goliath?
Snake: Metal Gear?
Everyone glares at the bandanna wearing, cigarette smoking mercenary over to the left.
Having fought through the Goliath and into the tower, Hale with a final LAARK rocket kills the Widowmaker before him. Vomiting explosives globules everywhere as it dies, the Sergeant runs to the wounded Cartwright.
Hale: There's too much blood. I can't stop the bleeding!
Cartwright: Hale, before I die. There's something I need to tell you.
Hale: It's okay, Cartwright. We'll get through this.
Cartwright: No, it's important. Hale...
Cartwright: I lo... I lov...
Cartwright: I love you!
Hale: You mean like a brother?
Hale: Like a best friend?
Having abandoned the Lieutenant out of sheer awkwardness and heterosexuality, Hale delves ever deeper into the depths of the tower.
Hale: You know when all this is over I think I'll write a book. I'll call it "The Gathering Storm" and it'll star me. I'll introduce tons of characters only to kill them off, and then at the end I'll murder the President. Best Seller!
Before he can elaborate further on his plot hole filled novel, the Sergeant is interrupted. Coming down from above, suddenly an Angel is blocking the entrance in front of him. Large and intelligent, it's sure to manipulate Hale into doing all kinds of-
Or maybe it's just going to scream in his face and fly away, that works too.
Hale: Well that was anticlimactic.
Suddenly the Angel comes back and impales him on a tentacle.
Hale: (Cough) Better...
Having followed the power conduits for some time Hale strides into what appears to be the centre of the tower, containing four glowing rods and lots of Chimera.
Hale: (Turning on his radio) Okay I've found the reactor. What do I need to do?
Parker: You need to cause a meltdown. The chain reaction should destroy the tower and all the others in the network.
Hale: Right. So how do I go about doing that? Should I find a control panel or...
Parker: Oh Hale, you're so silly. Just shoot the rods!
Hale: Excuse me?
Parker: Just fill them with bullets.
Hale: Parker, it doesn't work like that. Even assuming the Chimera have absolutely no safeguards at all, blowing up the reactor by itself isn't going to cause a meltdown. Best case scenario: the Chimera invest heavily in batteries.
Parker: Hale will you just shut up and save god damn Britannia already?
Hale: Fine! (Emptying his gun into the rods) There, happy? I literally just destroyed the last ounce of sense and logic in this game. I hope you're proud.
Because the universe hates him the tower immediately begins to shake and fall apart. Hale nearly being crushed as fire and wreckage falls from the roof.
Hale: Parker, are you there? The whole place is breaking up? Parker, can you hear me? How do I get out of here? How do I get out of here alive?
Parker: Alive, Sergeant?
VTOL hovering near the base of the tower, flames and Chimera are flaring from every opening. Standing at the door of the helicopter, Parker is arguing with the pilot.
Parker: We're too close. We've got to get clear!
VTOL Pilot: We're holding position. That's an order.
Parker: It's too late. No one's coming out of there!
VTOL Pilot: (Squinting) No, wait. I can see him!
Parker: He'll never make it.
VTOL Pilot: He's right there.
Parker: He wouldn't want us to risk our lives to save his.
VTOL Pilot: He's waving his arms and shouting at us!
Parker: (Pulls out a pistol and fires) What about now?
VTOL Pilot: Well...he's clutching his shoulder and looking pissed.
Parker: Then our work here is done.
Parker: As the tower fell, the Chimeran creatures began to shriek and writhe on the ground. They died within minutes. Not before killing all the Americans though, so everything worked out in the end. As it happened the meltdown caused a chain reaction, destroying all the other towers in the network. At least in Britain the Chimera were defeated. Pity about all those other countries, except France, everybody hates France.
Parker: With combat subsided, soldiers have begun searching the rural villages for survivors. So far we've found 921 people, 78 of them children. We have since discovered that almost all of them are in some way related to Cartwright. I almost forgot he still liked women with all the gay jokes flying around.
Parker: As for Nathan Hale, his body was never recovered. A part of me still believes he might have escaped somehow. I even thought I heard his voice on the radio just after the tower exploded. Actually I know I heard his voice on the radio. We would have mounted a rescue operation or something, but I had a crossword back at base which just couldn't wait. I'm sure Hale will be fine. It's not like he's trapped in a frozen wasteland, heavily injured, possessing no supplies or weapons and about to be abducted by American Black Ops.
Parker: Oh wait...
Battered and bloodied, Hale trudges through the snow. In his hand is his one remaining grenade. He feels forlorn and weary.
Hale: I feel forlorn and weary.
Suddenly the roar of an engine comes into hearing, snowflakes going everywhere under the rotors. He sees a VTOL come into view.
Hale: I see a VTOL coming into view.
Landing on the frozen ground five Black Ops disembark, weapons loaded. As they surround him, Hale readies his grenade.
Hale: I ready my... you know what? Screw it.
Black Op 1: Hale, we're from Insomniac Games. We're here to take you to your sequel.
Hale: Well you can just... wait. You're taking me away from here?
Black Op 2: That's what I said.
Hale: Why didn't you say so? (Dropping the grenade) How soon can we leave? Do you want to handcuff me? You can pistol whip me a few times if it'll help motivate you.
Stepping into the vehicle Hale finds himself face to face with the leader of the team, Captain Blake, who shakes his hand.
Blake: Hello Sergeant. I've heard a lot about you from my sister.
Hale: Sister, sir?
Blake: Yes, we're twins actually. Maybe you know her? She's in the British Resistance.
Suddenly Hale gets an idea, a horrible, terrible, impossible idea. He stares at the Captain, who in turn stares back at him.
Blake: (Grinning) Want to hear a long factual rant on the subject?
Comprehension dawning on his face, Hale dives for the door as the helicopter takes off. It takes several men to restrain him.
Hale: No, the grenade! Let me have the grenade! I'll blow myself to hell. She won't find me there, they won't find me there!
He screams all the way to Iceland, only stopping as they finally sedated him. Ted Price will be most pleased.
And that's it folks. Hope you enjoyed Resistance Abridged, and with a bit of luck you had a few laughs along the way as well. Despite earlier plans I probably won't be continuing the series with the sequel, I actually feel a little burned out after just one game. Anyone else is welcome to try their hand at it if they want though, I can even provide some criticism if you're up for it. Whatever happens though, thanks for reading. Criticism and comments are appreciated.