|Watching, Always Watching Me
Author: Lkay09 PM
He was watching me again. James. At any point in the day I could look around and find him just watching me, an almost content look on his face. LJ OneshotRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Drama - James P. & Lily Evans P. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,778 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 07-19-10 - Published: 03-28-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5851737
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
He was watching me again. James. I could see him sitting on the steps leading into the castle.
It was disconcerting really. At any point in the day I could look around and find him just watching me, an almost content look on his face. He did that instead of asking me out all the time now.
Now that we were Co-Heads, we had formed a tentative sort of friendship – I didn't hate him anymore. I was actually starting to doubt that I ever had.
He was making me uncomfortable in that way only he had ever been able to do, since day one. And I felt really uncomfortable seeing as how he was watching me with my boyfriend Samuel as the two of us watched the sunset. From here, I couldn't see his expression, but I knew he probably wouldn't have any emotion on his face. I knew how he really felt though – he'd been in love with me since about third year. Only this year had he started leaving me alone.
That fact kept slapping me in the face as I sat with Sam, making me feel guilty, like I was rubbing James's face in it.
I felt so guilty I left Sam sitting there by the tree not long after I saw James go inside, using McGonagall's homework as an excuse. He simply nodded – he knew how difficult the essay she had assigned was. I tried to ignore the fact that I didn't feel the least bit guilty about lying to my boyfriend.
I had to make James understand. I wasn't trying to shove it down his throat that I had a boyfriend. I really wasn't. I hadn't even known he was sitting there. Actually that was a lie – I was becoming acutely attuned to James's presence. I could feel him the second he entered a room, and truth be told, it was starting to scare me a little.
He was just sitting on the floor in the Heads Common Room, leaning against the couch, staring at the fire. He turned his head slightly when I came in. I sat next to him, not knowing what to say.
"Don't worry about it Lily," he said after about ten minutes of heavy silence. I looked at him enquiringly, not sure what he was talking about. James turned and met my gaze. I was surprised to feel my heart stutter a little.
"I know you aren't trying to hurt me by going out with Sam. I know you really like him."
I did really like him…so why was I sitting here with James instead of by the lake with Sam?
"How did you…" I trailed off.
"Lily," he said with a wry chuckle. "I've always been able to read you, to know what you were thinking. I was so good at guessing it that I used to think I was a Legilimens, until I realized that it was only you I could read. Not that I'm complaining," he added.
"But," he continued shaking his head as if to clear it, "I know that you aren't with Sam to hurt me. It's not your fault that it does. I accepted a long time ago that you and I just weren't…going to happen."
I think him saying that was what made me do it.
I reached up and kissed him.
It was a moment before he kissed me back, and all thoughts of my boyfriend – whose name I had forgotten by this point – flew from my head. I wondered why I had been wasting my life when all of it should have been spent kissing James.
I felt his tongue touch my lower lip, and I opened my mouth for him. I was shocked to feel him moan softly, and was even more shocked to realize my hands had drifted up under his shirt and were pressed against his back. I wasn't shocked enough, though, to stop. If I stopped, I might suffocate – this was like breathing to me, kissing James.
I didn't even question it when he pulled me to my feet. Our lips separated for the barest of moments before he tugged me back to him, one of his hands on my hip, the other under my shirt on my upper back. Before I realized it, he had bent down and scooped me up and was carrying me to his room.
I didn't care. And maybe that makes me a horrible person, snogging someone else when I have a perfectly nice boyfriend, letting him take me to his room where I knew neither of us were going to stop what was happening, but I couldn't help it. There was something about all this that felt so right, and made me feel so complete.
Our clothes were on the floor quickly, and we were on the bed. He covered my mouth with his, swallowing my moans and cries. I had never known any feelings or any passion like this, and it scared the hell out of me.
Afterwards, he wrapped an arm around my waist, tugged me next to him, and stroked my face and my hair until I fell asleep. I could feel his heart pounding in my ear from where my head was on his chest, and it made me slightly heady to know that I was doing that, me, Lily Evans.
When I woke up the next morning, the enormity of what I had done hit me. I had cheated on my boyfriend. I looked up at James's face, his eyes still closed, and a smile made its way to my mouth despite my best efforts. His hair was falling in his face, and I reached up to brush a few strands off. He smiled a little at the touch, but I knew he was still asleep. And I needed to get out of there before he woke up.
I crawled quietly out of bed and crept around, picking up my clothes before slipping out the door and into my room. I took a shower and dressed before heading down to breakfast. I could hear the water running from the bathroom connected to James's room.
There was hardly anyone in the Great Hall, which was just as well. I didn't even know what I was doing really.
Then Sam showed up and, not knowing how twisted my world had become and that I was a horrible, horrible girlfriend, gave me a kiss on the cheek and sat next to me. I smiled at him and did my best to act normal. We were talking and laughing a little when I felt James walk in.
I knew he saw us. I felt a sharp, searing pain in my chest that had nothing to do with me. It wasn't my pain – it was his. His heart was broken, worse than ever before. I'd never felt hurt like that in my life. It was all I could do to keep from doubling over and crying out. It was gone almost as quick as it had come and I knew James had left.
I left too, not knowing where I was going until I got to the tree by the lake, where I just collapsed onto my knees and cried into my hands. Sam didn't follow me, nobody did.
Except James. He was watching me again. I didn't know where he was, but it didn't matter. I knew he was there, somewhere, watching me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I fled back inside and stayed in my room crying for the rest of the day. I was so thankful it was Saturday.
I didn't see James for two weeks. He avoided me, and while I didn't avoid him, I didn't seek him out either. And I was miserable. He was too, I could feel it sometimes.
As far as everyone knew, I was still dating Sam. But we both knew that it was coming to an end. He didn't know what was wrong, and so didn't know how to comfort me. Not that he could have really. We didn't even officially end it, we just kind of fell apart. And I felt terrible about it – not guilty for sleeping with James, but upset that my emotional problems had hurt a guy that was really a sweetheart and had only ever been good to me.
Another week passed before I saw James again, and by that point I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew what was causing it, what was really bothering me, but I didn't know what to do about it.
Then, after another few hours spent crying one night I decided to just take the bull by the horns, as my grandfather used to say. It was past midnight but I didn't care. I went to James's room.
He was awake – not that I was surprised. He didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had walked into his room in the middle of the night. He just lay there, staring at the canopy above his bed. I stood there, staring at him.
Until I couldn't take it anymore.
"I love you."
It fell out of my mouth. I meant it, but I didn't want to say it like that – just blurting it out in the middle of the night when I was close to losing my sanity.
James didn't react for a few moments, moments that practically killed me, even though I knew it was impossible for him not to love me as well. I refused to allow that thought to enter me head.
Finally he sat up slowly and stared at me, an inscrutable look on his face. After studying me for a few minutes – reading me like he always does so well, trying to see if I was telling the truth – he reached out a hand for me. I grabbed it and he pulled me roughly to him, holding me tightly against him. I began crying, apologizing for everything, for sleeping with him and leaving, for staying with Simon – "Samuel," he chided softly, knowing that I was too emotional to realize I'd said the wrong name – and for putting us both through this. He accepted my apology and also apologized for avoiding me for the last few weeks. He had thought it would have been easier for me if I didn't have to see him. He thought I regretted the whole thing, and didn't want to make me feel guiltier.
I don't know how long we stayed up and talked, nor do I remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, the sun was streaming through the window and I was covered in a thick quilt with James beside me. He wasn't asleep though.
I didn't even have to ask.
"I was afraid that I would wake up and you would be gone again like last time. I wasn't sure I could take that again."
In response, I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in the crook of his neck.
"You won't ever have to wake up and not have me next to you ever again, I promise."
His arms encircled me and we just lay like that for what felt like an eternity.
"You know," I said playfully, sometime later, "I told you I loved you but I never heard it back." I looked up into his face, smiling gently, and tapped his nose. James bent his head and placed a soft kiss on my lips before meeting my gaze again.
"I love you too."
"Good." James began to laugh, a deep, happy laugh that filled me up with warmth, making me light-headed and almost dizzy with happiness. I felt like everything in my world was right again.
So...yeah...please review! I'm really nervous about this story! And for those of you that are following Seven Years With James and Returning, don't worry, I will be updating both of those as soon as I can, but I have three tests next week and a speech the week after that, and then registration...it's gonna get hectic, but I haven't forgotten either of those stories! I'm just insanely busy! Anyways, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!