|Sasuke, I Think I'm Pregnant
Author: Sarah1281 PM
Sasuke's had his fair share of people claiming to be having his child but he'd never dated any of them before and they had all been decidedly female. Still, Naruto's quite convinced that he IS pregnant and logic isn't about to convince him otherwise...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Naruto U. & Sasuke U. - Words: 2,463 - Reviews: 126 - Favs: 400 - Follows: 49 - Published: 04-01-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5859775
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Sasuke, I think I'm Pregnant
Disclaimers: I do not own Naruto.
Note: This story, in case it wasn't clear, is technically slash for the sake of this particular plot although it says nothing about whether Kiba was right in various other stories or not. Sasuke and Naruto are technically in a relationship, although they mostly just argue about whether Naruto's pregnant or not.
Uchiha Sasuke was not happy when he walked into Ichiraku Ramen to meet his boyfriend. This was partly because he honestly could not stand ramen – but if he didn't consent to eating it at least twice a week then Naruto started complaining that he 'didn't know him anymore' or that he 'knew that snake pedophile had done some serious psychological damage' – but mostly due to the fact that Sakura was sitting next to him in their usual booth. Normally, Sasuke was able to tolerate Sakura quite well and even, when pressed, would call her a friend. Today however…Today Sakura had her arm around an anxious-looking Naruto and her other hand was over his. The hell? He'd thought whatever was between those two had been settled while he'd been off on his vengeance kick. Surely his best friend and the most tolerable girl he knew weren't having an affair? And certainly if they were they wouldn't be so stupid as to be doing it in public at a place Sasuke was supposed to be meeting Naruto?
Sasuke steeled himself and stormed over towards the cou- towards the pair. They didn't appear to notice him so he cleared his throat. The other two-thirds of Team Seven started and halted their hushed conversation as they looked up at him guiltily.
"Am I interrupting anything?" he asked icily.
Naruto seemed uncertain of how to respond. "No…yes…you'd better sit down for this."
Grudgingly, Sasuke obliged if only to prevent Naruto from stalling by insisting that he be seated for this conversation and he slid into the booth opposite the pair. "Let me preface this conversation by warning you that if you're leaving me for Sakura I'm leaving you for Suna."
Naruto blinked in confusion for a moment before he followed Sasuke's eyes to Sakura, who was still all over him. "Oh, no, it's nothing like that," he assured his paranoid boyfriend. "Sakura-chan's just here for moral support."
"If you leave me even if it's not for Sakura I'm still leaving Konoha," Sasuke felt compelled to mention. He'd only come back for Naruto, after all, and even if it had taken him the better part of a year to work out his feelings for the orange idiot and a weeks or so afterwards to actually do something about them – Kiba had yet to stop gloating that he'd been right all along – he'd always been aware of how much Naruto meant to him. Even through all his denials and attempted Kyuubi capturing he'd known. If Naruto was leaving him now then he didn't feel any need to stay in the Village that had ruined most of his life.
"No!" Naruto burst out, looking panicked. "God no, it's just…how do you tell someone something like this?"
"Just like we practiced," Sakura spoke up for the first time, squeezing Naruto's hand. Sasuke glared so hard that he was half-surprised he didn't discover that the Sharingan was capable of setting things aflame with a glance but she appeared to either not notice or simply not care.
Naruto squeezed his eyes shut tightly. "'Just like we practiced', she says. Sasuke…I…I think I'm pregnant."
Sasuke stared uncomprehendingly for a moment. "Could you please repeat that?" he finally requested, surprised but gratified at how calm his voice came out. It seemed that there were residual benefits of spending years pretending you didn't have any emotions but vengeance, which wasn't really an emotion now that he thought about it.
"Sasuke, I think I'm pregnant," Naruto dutifully repeated, still not opening his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Sasuke apologized. "I still didn't get that. You keep saying something and what I keep hearing is 'Sasuke I think I'm pregnant.'"
"That would be because that's what he said," Sakura informed him.
Sasuke decided that at that point there were only two possibilities: he was caught in a genjutsu or Naruto and Sakura seemed to be under the impression that Naruto was pregnant. After discretely attempting to end the genjutsu he began casually, "So, one more time-"
Naruto's desperate blue eyes flew open. "I'm pregnant, Sasuke. I wasn't sure but Sakura did some tests and…we're going to be fathers."
It wasn't like Sasuke had never had any ever tell him that he was going to be a father before but never had the potential carrier of his child been someone he'd slept with so it hadn't been anything to concern himself with. Nor, for that matter, had it ever been a man who had claimed to be pregnant. Well, except for Sai that one time but that Sai so it was to be expected.
"You can't be pregnant," Sasuke said bluntly.
Naruto looked downcast. "I know that we haven't talked about children and that this isn't going to be compatible with our current lifestyles. I mean, I suppose I'll have to go off active duty until the baby is born and then one of us needs to be in Konoha at all times to take care of it. I suppose it might be a good idea for one of us to retire from active duty but I'm this close to making Hokage and if I were Hokage and you had to stay at home all day with a baby then you'd probably snap again…"
Sasuke's response was eloquent, if succinct. "You can't be pregnant."
Naruto's head snapped up and his eyes were burning. "What do you mean I can't be pregnant? You want me to get rid of our baby? Is that what you want? Well, screw you Sasuke. I'm not going to destroy the physical embodiment of our love."
"Calm down, Naruto," Sakura soothed. "I'm sure Sasuke didn't mean that. He does want to revive his clan after all."
Why wasn't Naruto getting this? Or Sakura, for that matter? She was a freaking medic! "You can't be pregnant."
"I know that this is unexpected, Sasuke, but denying reality won't make it go away," Naruto told him solemnly.
"You can't be pregnant." How many times did he have to say it before it sunk in?
"I think you broke him, Naruto," Sakura whispered loudly.
"I'm not 'broken'," Sasuke snapped.
"It speaks," she smirked.
Sasuke treated her to a glare and turned his attention back to his supposedly pregnant boyfriend. "I am a male."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "No, really? I was wondering how you'd managed to knock me up."
"You are also a male," Sasuke continued patiently. Honestly, hadn't anybody explained to Naruto just how babies were made and how their relationship was missing the crucial 'fe' required for such an act?
"Are you just going to keep pointing out the obvious or do you actually have a point?" Naruto demanded.
"We're both male so how in the world could you be pregnant?!?!" Sasuke cried.
"Well having sex without using protection always carries the risk of pregnancy," Naruto reasoned. "We should have been more careful."
"We shouldn't have had to be more careful because we're both male!" Sasuke insisted.
"I think I see what the problem is," Sakura said slowly. "He's looking at this as two somewhat normal men in a relationship. It would be like if Iruka and Kakashi ever just admitted their feelings for each. Would you expect them to get pregnant?"
"Of course not," Naruto replied. "But that's different because they don't…Sasuke didn't make the connection, did he?"
"I'm right here," Sasuke reminded them.
Naruto turned back to his boyfriend. "As you may or may not be aware, I am mildly possessed."
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I am more than aware you carry the Kyuubi, Naruto. I've been inside your mind, remember? Not to mention that it kind of came up during my time with Akatsuki."
"So now that we've explained that, what are we going to do about-" Naruto began.
"Now that you've explained that?" Sasuke echoed. "You've explained nothing; you just reminded me that you have a demon sealed inside of you."
"I think you're going to have to spell this out for him, Naruto," Sakura advised gently. "He's just in too much state of shock to be able to process all of this properly and if you wait for him to realize it on his own he'll be here forever."
"I suppose you're right," Naruto agreed. "Sasuke, I would not normally be able to get pregnant but apparently the Kyuubi wanted grand-kits so here we are."
" 'Grand-kits'?" Sasuke repeated. He shook his head. "Never mind. You're saying that the Kyuubi is apparently feeling paternal-"
"Maternal," Naruto corrected.
"Maternal," Sasuke amended, "and so now you're somehow pregnant?"
"Not 'somehow'," Naruto disagreed. "I'd imagine you had a great deal to do with it. But other than that, basically."
"What does the most feared demon in all of existence wanting you to have children have to do with anything?" Sasuke asked, feeling more and more like he was in the midst of a bad dream. "And for that matter why would it would them?"
"I'm not really sure why, really," Naruto admitted. "Something about how she wants kits but isn't currently in any position to have them. I suppose the whys don't really matter so much. And as for the 'what does that have to do with anything', obviously the Kyuubi made sure I could get pregnant."
This really wasn't happening. "Come again?" Sasuke requested.
"The Kyuubi wouldn't have had to do anything had I ended up with, say, Sakura-chan or Hinata. They could have gotten pregnant on their own and the Kyuubi would have had grand-kits that way. That's not how it happened, though. I ended up with you and seeing as how I devoted several years of my life to kicking your ass and dragging you home, I think she felt that it was unlikely that I'd give up on you anytime soon," Naruto elaborated. He made a face. "Hence the need for…drastic measures."
"You still haven't explained how in the world any of this is possible," Sasuke pointed out, rubbing the bridge of his nose in exasperation.
Naruto shrugged. "She's the Kyuubi. Do I need more of a reason than that?"
"Normally I would say no and leave it at that," Sasuke conceded. "But we're both males with male parts. You can't just get pregnant through demon chakra and…my help alone."
"I did the medical scans myself," Sakura spoke up. "Naruto is pregnant and so clearly the demonic chakra must have changed Naruto's biology to make him have the necessary equipment."
"So you're saying the Kyuubi turned Naruto into a girl?" Sasuke asked, raising an eyebrow. "And does this make me bisexual?"
"I'm not a girl, you bastard," Naruto grumbled.
"Tell me that when you're not claiming to be carrying my child," Sasuke replied flatly.
"He could be a hermaphrodite," Sakura suggested. "Which actually would make the most sense if Naruto hasn't noticed any…other changes."
"Does that make me bisexual?" Sasuke wondered.
"At the very least," Sakura agreed. "Or trisexual."
"How could the Kyuubi turn you into a girl?" Sasuke demanded. "Or even into a hermaphrodite? Wouldn't you have noticed?"
"I assumed it was through demonic chakra and how was I supposed to have noticed? It's not like I look any different!" Naruto cried.
"Then what makes you think you're pregnant?" Sasuke inquired.
"Sakura-chan's scan said that-" Naruto tried to answer but Sasuke cut him off.
"I meant before that. Why would you ask her to see if you're pregnant in the first place?" Sasuke pressed impatiently.
"He didn't," Sakura explained. "He came in while you were out of town on a mission for a week or so because he kept throwing up and, of course, he really doesn't get sick so I tried to figure out what was wrong with him. Imagine my surprise when I checked the area around his abdomen and discovered that he was pregnant."
"So…you're certain of this?" Sasuke asked, feeling faint. All of his rational denials were fading in the face of Naruto and Sakura's certainty and their explanations for everything.
Naruto nodded, looking happy but nervous. "We're going to be fathers, Sasuke!"
"I need a drink," Sasuke declared, looking around wildly. "Do they serve any alcohol in here? I definitely need to find some alcohol."
To his great surprise, Sakura glanced at the clock on the wall behind him. "Just under fifteen minutes," she declared, letting go of Naruto.
"Damn it," Naruto scowled. "I could have sworn it would have taken longer…now I owe Shikamaru money."
"Well, that's what you get for betting against Shikamaru," Sakura shrugged. "But at least you thought he'd buy it at all. I didn't honestly think 'blame the Kyuubi' would be all that convincing."
"It's your presence that did it, I think," Naruto declared.
Sasuke's eye started twitching. "Would someone like to explain to me what's going on?"
Naruto looked back at him. "Hm? Oh, well as you probably guessed I'm not really pregnant. Seriously, you had it right the first time. The Kyuubi can't actually change my gender and so now we have to go tell everyone that you bought it in just under fifteen minutes."
"Everyone…was in on this?" Sasuke asked, vowing to make each and every one of them suffer for being involved in pulling one over on him.
"Of course," Sakura confirmed. "Shikamaru, naturally, was right about your reaction."
"…Why?" Sasuke demanded. "Just why?"
Naruto cocked his head. "Why? Haven't you checked your calendar today?"
And as he and Sakura quickly ran for the exit before Sasuke could get his hands on them, he realized that he did, in fact, know what day it was.