Siren: Hey, guess what? The fluff bunnies attacked us again!

Muse: So, we've decided to add another chapter to the original Rules of Fatherhood.

Siren: Oh, come on, you didn't think we could actually stick to a deadline, did you?

Muse: Disclaimer!

(poof) Robert Pattinson: Sirens & Muses don't own ToS.

Siren: Ew. Why are you here?

Muse: Because it's your neice's birthday.

Siren: Oh, yeah. You think I'm a crazy fangirl? Watch this. (calls for S.J.)

S.J.: What? OMG, it's Edward Cullen! 333 (glomps)

Siren: Told you. Nothing beats a twelve-year-old girl as far as fangirls go. Review, or we'll send Robert Pattinson into your house to stare at you creepily while you sleep.

*EDIT: FIXED FORMATTING PROBLEMS. :)

Rule #5: As a father, you get used to disgusting things.

Revision #5: Teenagers are much worse than toddlers when it comes to gross things.

"Someone has to address the issue," Raine said. "Any volunteers?"

"Not it!" Genis said immediately. "I think Colette should do it. Lloyd won't take me seriously, but he listens to her."

"I can't do it!" Colette said, horrified. "Lloyd's a guy! I can't talk about…you know, to Lloyd!"

Sheena rolled her eyes. "It's not that embarrassing."

"If that's the case," Raine said coldly, "why don't you do it, Sheena?"

"Hey, I barely know him," she replied. "Besides, I personally think it should be done by…an older male."

All eyes turned to Kratos. "No," he said flatly.

"Please, Kratos?" Colette pleaded. "He'll listen to you."

"I agree," Raine said. "You're his role model. If you talk to him about it, I'm sure Lloyd will listen."

"No," he repeated firmly.

"You're outnumbered on this one, Kratos," Genis said cheerfully. "Sorry."

He opened his mouth to argue, but instead sighed in defeat. Unfortunately, they were right. Someone had to do it, and it was Kratos' obligation to take on the difficult task. Not that that fact made it any easier to do.

Kratos stood and walked out towards where Lloyd had gone to practice. He watched for a few minutes as the teen swung and slashed. Finally, Lloyd noticed him.

"What do you think?" he asked. "Getting better, right?"

"Humph," Kratos grunted. "Your footing still needs work." His son's face fell. "But better."

"Heh. Thanks." Lloyd ran his fingers through his hair, beaming. "Anyway, what's up?"

"Lloyd, I have to ask you a personal question," Kratos said.

"Is this about my parents again? Because I really don't remember."

"No, actually," Kratos broke off, trying to put it tactfully. "…Lloyd, when was the last time you…took a shower?"

Lloyd blinked. "Um, why?"

"Because," Kratos said, shifting uncomfortably. "I, as well as the rest of the group, have noticed certain…indicators of your failing hygiene."

"Indicators? Like what?" he demanded hotly.

Kratos sighed. The tactful route was clearly not working; Lloyd just didn't understand it. "Lloyd, you smell awful," he stated bluntly. "Your hair is a greasy mess, and your clothes are filthy. Come to think of it, so is your skin."

"It's not that bad!" Lloyd said, his face going red. "Is it?"

"When did you shower last?"

Lloyd was quiet for a minute before he mumbled something at his feet.

"Speak up," Kratos said.

"I said, it was about six days ago."

Kratos stared. "How often did you take them when you were at home?"

"Every morning," Lloyd said. "But the Professor said that we had to conserve water, so I've been cutting down on my showers."

"…And your laundry? Have you been cutting down on that, too?" Kratos asked.

Lloyd nodded. "I wear my clothes for a couple days before I wash them. I thought it was a good idea…"

Kratos sighed. "Please, Lloyd, for the well-being of the group, take a shower. And wash your clothes. Is there anything else unhygienic that I should know about?"

"Um, I lost my toothbrush."

"You lost your toothbrush?" Kratos repeated. Lloyd nodded. "How long ago?"

"Well, I lost it in Triet, so it's been a while. I've been swishing water around in my mouth to keep it clean."

"…"

"Also," Lloyd continued, "I left Iselia without my deodorant, and I keep forgetting to buy more."

"That's the least of your hygiene problems," Kratos muttered.

"Yeah, but the thing is, I've been using your deodorant. And, occasionally, your toothbrush."

Kratos swallowed, then immediately felt ill at the thought of it.

"Um, Kratos? Are you okay?"

Kratos took a deep breath. "Lloyd, the next town we see, I'm buying you a new toothbrush and some deodorant. And you have to take a shower and wash your clothes every day. In fact, go take a shower right now."

"Can't it wait until we get to town tomorrow?" Lloyd whined. "I'm training-"

"Lloyd, if I have to, I will drag you over to camp and have Genis cast a water spell on you."

Lloyd narrowed his eyes. "I'd love to see you try."

Kratos reached out and grabbed his son's hair, gripping it tightly. He then pulled a yelling Lloyd to the camp and pointed at Genis. "If you wouldn't mind, Genis, can you cast Spread?"

"Um, okay," the half-elf said meekly. He did as he was asked, dousing both Kratos and Lloyd in ice-cold water.

"Gah!" Lloyd shook his head, trying to break Kratos' grip and shake the water off, but failing at both.

"Chosen, please hand me the soap from my bag, please," he asked Colette pleasantly.

"O-okay," she said, stunned. Kratos turned towards Lloyd, the bar of soap in his hand. Lloyd glared at him.

"You take one move towards me with that soap, and I'll kick you so hard between your legs, you won't be able to have children."

That's okay, Kratos thought, I'm starting to regret my first one. Out loud, he said, "You can't move that fast."

Lloyd, in a predictable attempt to prove him wrong, shot out his leg. Kratos was right, however, and he let go of Lloyd's hair to grab his foot instead. In one swift motion, Lloyd was on the ground with Kratos holding his foot.

"Now," Kratos said, tossing the bar of soap down on Lloyd's chest, "Are you going to take a shower on your own, or do I have to pin you down and wash you myself?"

"I'm going, I'm going," Lloyd groaned, rubbing his head as he stood up. "You know, you could've made this lesson a little less…painful."

"Then it wouldn't have stuck," Kratos told him.

"Yeah, yeah," Lloyd mumbled, walking away.

As Kratos sat down with the rest of the stunned group, he added, "And don't touch my toothbrush again. That's disgusting."