|Holding On to You
Author: L.Medora PM
Finn is finally realizing the wonderful awesomeness that is Kurt, happiness to ensue! M for a reason!Rated: Fiction M - English - Finn H. & Kurt H. - Chapters: 6 - Words: 13,345 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 04-25-10 - Published: 04-20-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5910887
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
My heat's pounding as I walk through the hallways at school, making my legs all numb and noodly. Maybe I should have stayed in the music room…I tried and failed three times to even open the door, considering what I was going to do, before actually leaving. But I need to do this. It's not just about me wanting to anymore, it's about finally facing up to who I am and not turning to run back and forget this whole thing. My legs seem to know just where to go since they keep carrying me forward. I see the row of lockers in the distance with a few kids lined up, gathering their things. But I'm only focused on one.
As I see him, all my memories poke at my skull, making this so much more difficult. All those times Puck would shove this kid into lockers as a reflex to anybody he didn't like, and I only defended him a few times. How, before Glee, I used to ignore the fact that he even existed, though it's really impossible right now. Then I remember the slushy…how he took one for the team…for me. Then the guilt really settles in. He gave me that hurt puppy face for weeks after that day.
But then I remember one of the many reasons I'm doing this in the first place and it gives me just enough strength to take those final steps and stop in front of the locker. The smile. Even when I've totally put this poor kid down, he's always smiling at me and it makes me feel…warm.
"Kurt," I say, surprised I even managed that with how nervous I am. Kurt turns towards me and smiles, probably hoping to pass it off as a welcome surprise. He probably doesn't know that I've noticed how every time he sees me, his whole face kinda glows. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Of course," he says, turning to me with his full attention. I notice how all of his clothes seem to be especially nice today, almost as if he knew what I was doing and purposefully wanted to distract me. Did he always have to be so…clean? Even the shining hair on his head which always seems to be made up is like a beacon, but that's probably just me wishing for anything to distract me from this.
"Can we talk…in private?" I ask, mentally cringing at how choppy my speech gets when I'm nervous. Mom offered to sign me up for speech classes, but I knew other kids would find out, so I just practiced by myself a lot. "I think the choir room's empty."
"Sure," he nods and follows as I lead the way, trying to ignore the fact that I feel his ever so near presence like a fire burning to my left side. God, let me die quickly before I make a fool of myself…
Oh God…he probably has no idea that I'm more scared now than I've ever been before. He just asked me to have a conversation…Finn Hudson, my one true love and forever my Elvis, Finn! The one person who never asks to hold a real conversation, so now I'm really nervous. It makes it all the worse that it has to be a private conversation. If I do anything wrong or embarrassing, I can't hide it by blaming Mercedes, or preferably Rachel.
He pulls up a chair for me in the choir room and I sit, really wishing that I knew what's going on in that head of his. Maybe he's noticed me staring…oh, but I've been so careful! I've made him too uncomfortable with my constantly flirtatious behavior and now he's going to ask me to back off, isn't he? I try to keep my expression neutral, but I'm sweating through my cashmere.
"Okay," Finn begins, taking many deep breaths before he starts to pace. "So…I've been doing a lot of thinking."
"A dangerous activity for any man," I agree, flicking the hair away from my face. I don't want to be blind while he crushes my heart.
"And, well, lately I've been coming back around to you," he admits, pausing to stare at me wide-eyed before he picks up the pacing again. "So, if you ask me if I'm sure about this, just know that I'm sure."
"Finn, what is it?" I ask with a light chuckle, but that one little nervous note manages to disrupt my voice. He stops, mid pace, and turns towards me. He doesn't even know how beautiful he is…dorky, scared, sleepy, or high on vitamin D, that angel face is the most beautiful thing I know. But right now he's scared out of his mind. I can tell. It hurts.
"Kurt, I'm going to ask you something and I'd really like it if you'd be honest," he says quickly as his face turns pale. Even his choppy speech is adorable… "Do you like me?"
"Of course I do," I say quickly with a light shrug, hoping he doesn't press further into it. But I have no such luck.
"No, I mean, really like me, like, almost love me?" he asks, gulping afterwards.
I choke. I can't lie to him…not now. But my throat has a mind of its own, tightening around my voice box as if to say mine! I feel my eyes as they turn slightly red and puffy with tears…how embarrassing. So I promptly look off to the side, hoping to keep my last shred of dignity and not be totally overwhelmed by Finn's smoldering eyes.
"Yes," I say quietly. I shut my eyes tightly and wait for him to speak. It all comes down to this…he'll tell me that he has enough to deal with without my googly eyes following him. I make him extremely uncomfortable and I have to stop. When he says nothing, I feel a tear find its way down my cheek.
"Cool," Finn finally whispers. My eyes widen drastically as my head whirls around to face him and my jaw drops. He's smiling. Finn is actually smiling after what I just said. In fact, he looks a little…relieved. I'm more than confused, though totally ecstatic, as he pulls up a chair to sit across from me.
"Finn, have you been taking your vitamins?" I asked, my voice cracking embarrassingly. He looks up at me and smiles even wider, somewhat comically.
"No, Kurt, I swear," he laughs, breathing deeply as though to reassure himself. "I just needed to know. I mean, I knew, everybody does. But I needed to hear it from you. Make sure it's not just a stupid rumor that Puck came up with, you know?"
"Why, may I ask?" I say, cursing my stupid tears for beginning to fall a little more freely. He looks up at me and smiles. My heart literally comes to a stop as he reaches out…and wipes my cheek clean. It's all coming together, yet it's not. This is my every dream come true, him coming to terms with my devotion and maybe even finding some of it in himself. But then again, this is Finn Hudson, star quarterback, head jock, every cheerleader's dream boyfriend. The shining star of Glee. There is no way a guy like that has his hand lingering on my cheek…
I did it…it's finally out there. No more secrets, white lies, or wondering. Kurt knows and I really didn't have to say anything. By that adorably scared out of his wits look, I know he knows. But I think he's gone into shock. He's been staring, unblinking, for at least five minutes, his mouth making that perfect O shape. And now I'm worried.
"Kurt?" I ask quietly. Did I make a wrong move? I mean, he did just admit that he feels that same. I pull my hand back, wet with his tears, and curl it into my stomach, holding it there. His mouth closes slightly as he looks down at my hand and he gulps nervously.
"Is this some kind of cruel joke?" he asks breathlessly. He shuts his eyes tightly, that angelic face contracting painfully. "I…I couldn't stand it if…"
"Oh, no, no, no!" I say quickly when I realize what he's thinking. I reach out and take his hand in mine, though he stubbornly keeps his gaze averted. "Trust me, Kurt, it took me weeks to figure this all out and even more time to get up the courage for all this. I understand where you're coming from, I mean, we do have a kind of sorted history. But I'd never play you like that."
He looks up at me with his wide eyes, glistening with tears, and lined red. I can't help but think he's beautiful, even in this state. He's Kurt, the expert of beauty. But I really just want that smile back. I feel bad enough knowing that those tears are there because of me and I just want to make it all better. So I stand up, pulling him with me.
"What are you doing?" he asks, thoroughly confused.
"Just…I …" I really don't know how to tell him. So I place both my hands on his shoulders and he looks at each one nervously. I take two steps forward which is just enough to close the space between us and wrap my arms around him gently. I can feel his rapid heartbeat like butterfly wings against my chest as he relaxes and hugs me back. I smile to myself as he leans his head into my shoulder and I know everything will be alright.
AN: please review and let me know if I should bother with it!!