Author: Emma Stargaze PM
Crack!fic AU. When a person speaks, everyone else knows how they would have spelled the words . -"S'lair!" Buffy spun around, punching the newly-risen vampire in the gut. "It's slayer, more-on." "Yeah, and it's moron, not more-on." Slight SpuffyRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Buffy S. - Words: 2,391 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 04-28-10 - id: 5931515
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A.N.: A Buffy crack!fic where everyone speaks with typos and mixed up homonyms/homophones. This is as if people could see how you would spell the words you're speaking. XD
"...you tell him?" asked Giles, sorting books in the Sunnydale library. Or digging through them for something. Buffy could never be sure.
The slayer swallowed her bite of jelly-filled donut, averting her eyes. "I might have tolled him."
Willow blinked. "There aren't any toll roads anywhere near here."
"...huh?" The blond thought this over. "Oh! No, not tolled! Told!" There. She had said it with the correct spelling.
"Right. So you didn't tell Angel that true happiness will cause his sole to go poof and disappear?"
Buffy decided not to comment on Willow's mistakes. Buffy was pretty sure the red-head wasn't talking about Angel's shoes. Besides that, Willow didn't make many mistakes when compared to Xander. "How could I? And we don't even know if it's true. Ms. Calendar just... sprung it on us. Out of nowhere."
"You shouldn't have to hold it in, Buffy. If you love him-"
"Whoa, who said anything a bout love?"
"About. A bout is-"
"-a fight, I no, we've gone over this." When Willow cringed, Buffy sighed in exasperation. She hoped her last sentence hadn't been messed up as well. She could never win with Willow. "I need to patrol, anyways."
"Remember, if you see Angel, be sure to inform him of the constraints of his curse," said Giles. "And watch out for Spike. You say he nearly defeated you yesterday, during parents'-teachers' conference."
"Yeah, Buff. He's pretty obvious a bout knot playing fare. Remember that hole, 'Ive got my weapon write hear' situation?" asked Xander.
Buffy couldn't concentrate on what Xander was saying, so walked out without responding. Sometimes, silence was the best response. You can't misspell-speak if you didn't speak.
Buffy spun around, punching the newly-risen vampire in the gut. It fell to the ground. "Dust," she replied. Pouncing on top of it, she rammed a stake through its heart. "And it's slayer, more-on."
"Yeah, and it's moron, not more-on."
Buffy froze. That voice could only belong to Spike. The last and only time they had fought, he would have easily drained her dry if her mom hadn't stepped in. As it was, Buffy was grateful for emergency weapons stashed in school walls. She turned around, locking eyes with the blond demon. "Like you have any room to talk, you... you non-liver!"
He raised a brow, and she was upset to see that he was merely amused. "Right. I'm a non-liver, and you're... a non-stomach."
He seemed proud of himself. Buffy scowled. "Shut up. It has two meanings, and I used it correctly. Did you come here to fight, or just to pick on my grammar?
"Stalked you out t' see what all this hype about the Master is."
"The Master," Buffy repeated, blandly. "I killed him before summer, and ground up his bones when I got back from vacation. You're a bit late, if you were looking for him."
"Killed him?" Spike shot out a punch, catching Buffy off-guard. She quickly regained her balance, as he continued, "Well, good for you. Never liked the bloke much, to be honest." She went to sock him in the head, but he caught her hand. She went to punch with her other hand. He caught that as well. Time for plan B.
"U no watt, u shold really re-lease my arem rite know."
He cringed, hold loosening. She escaped his grasp, punching him in the face. She felt a crunch, and grinned triumphantly as he held his nose.
"Bitch!" His voice was a bit strange, with his nose all plugged up with blood.
"See this steak?" she said, lifting her stake. "Guess where I'm gonna put it." And why was he laughing? She kicked him. He fell over, holding his left side with his free hand. But not because she kicked him. No, because he was laughing so hard. "What's so funny?"
"S-steak?" he managed, between gasps of breath. Why he was breathing in the first place was beyond her.
"Yeah, steak. What about it? Do you find your impending death funny?"
"Steak, slayer, is cooked meat. A stake is what you should say." He wiped tears from his eyes. "Haven't laughed that hard in decades."
"I'll teach you to laugh at my expense," she said. When he easily and very-gracefully got back to his feet, she cursed herself for missing her chance. His laughing had distracted her.
"Like your powers are extraordinary compared to the other slayers I've slayed," he said, smirking.
"Exactly. They're not extra ordinary. They're extraordinary."
He paused, clearly thinking this over. "No, pet, that's what I said. Pronounced differently in Britain, y'see."
"...Oh. Well, that's a stupid way of saying it. In fact, the word itself is stupid, because it's the opposite of what it says." She shook her head. What was she doing, having every-day conversations with her enemy?
"Behind you," he said, disinterestedly. And unnecessarily, she thought, because she had heard the fledgling's heavy footsteps. It was dust in an instant. "Back to the Master. How long did he reign, before you killed him?"
"You're such a freak," Buffy decided. Then, feeling the need to brag, "He didn't rain over the city for even a minute. He was too busy talking to himself to get that far."
"Yes, I'm pretty sure the Master didn't fall from the sky in many droplets... unless you shot him with something that made him explode."
"..." Buffy decided not to answer the vampire. He clearly had problems. "Can you... go away? Because so far this has been a waist of time."
He smirked, settling down on a gravestone. "No, listening to you speak is far too amusing to pass up. I realised that if I go back now, I'll be bored for the rest of the night."
"Ha! You spell-spoke realized wrong!" At his scowl, she added, "I know this one."
"Once more, slayer, I tell you it's the British spelling. Not incorrect where I come from."
"Right. Likely excuse."
He rolled his eyes. "Because you're so-"
"Buffy!" Angel's voice was distant, making Buffy guess he was at least a mile away, and fast-approaching. "Get a way from him!"
"A way to what?" she asked, curiously. Angel was soon before her. All she saw was his back, blocking her view of Spike. She kicked Angel's left inner knee, hard, causing him to fall to the ground.
"What was that four?" he asked.
"Blocking my arch-nemesis from my sight."
"And having bad spell-speak," Spike added in. "You'd think all that broody-reading would cause you to pick something up."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Aside from the point. Angel, I have something to tell you. About your soul."
Spike leaned in, eyes gleaming with curiosity...
Was it really alright to tell Angel where anyone could hear? Probably not. "I'll tell you at the library. Better yet, I'll have Giles tell you."
"What?" Spike was on his feet, scowling once more. "Bloody Hell. Can't just taunt me like that. Give a bloke only part of a story, and expect him to brush off not being told the rest?"
Buffy had a feeling he'd stalk her and bug her until she did tell him... or went crazy. But it wasn't like she could let that fact control her decision. "I shouldn't even be talking to you in the first place. Go away."
A benefit of being the donut boy was having as many donuts as you want. You don't have to be considerate of how many donuts everyone else has gotten, or wants, because you can just go out and buy more. Xander was taking advantage of that benefit, enjoying his fifth jelly donut that night.
"-gel, can't you make him go away?"
"I could beat him up," Angel was heard saying, "but he'd probably follow anyways. Curiosity and Spike are a killer duo."
A loud crash sounded, the door flying open and slamming hard into the wall. A blond guy was on the floor, glaring over his shoulder. Buffy placed a foot on his back, forcing him back on the ground. He reached up and gripped her ankle. She hissed, most likely in pain, pulling back. He released her, scrambling to his feet.
"You brought Spike here?" Giles demanded. "Good lord. Are you trying to kill us all?"
"I couldn't shake him," said Buffy. "I told Angel I needed to tell him about his soul, and Spike got all, 'Ooo, tell me!' about it."
"Well, yeah, if anyone deserves to know, it's me," said Spike. "He's my sire." The last part was said almost-flauntingly, as if he was talking about getting the car everyone wanted but couldn't afford.
Xander was still wondering what a sire was.
"Just tell me what you have to say, and I'll get rid of this idiot," said Angelus.
"Like a poufter like you could get rid of me."
Buffy cleared her throat, immediately having the attention of both vampires. Both vampires had the attention of everyone else. "Angel, your soul has a... claws."
"Claws?" Angel repeated, brows creasing in a frown. "It attacks?"
"No, you git. A clause," Spike corrected. Despite being the enemy, Xander suddenly felt like congratulating the blond vampire. Anyone who mocked and disliked/hated Angel was a friend of Xander's.
Accept him, Xander corrected himself. He shook his head. No, that wasn't quite right either. Was it accept, or except, or acsept, or-
"If Angel was to experience a moment of true happiness, the curse would break," Giles informed, when Buffy failed to continue. She seemed to be glaring at Spike. Xander didn't know why, but was sure the vampire deserved it.
Oh, thats why. He watched as Spike stomped on Buffy's foot, Buffy in turn ramming her elbow hard into his rib. They were taking turns hurting each other. Xander didn't know what to think about that. "I'll go get sum more jelly doe nuts," Xander volunteered, glaring when Spike both laughed and pointed at Xander. "What? You think my job is unimportant? I'll have you know-" But that couldn't be the reason, because everyone else seemed taken aback or dying of laughter as well. Giles was furiously cleaning his glasses. Willow was giggling behind her hand. Buffy wasn't even trying to hide her laughter. And Angel? He looked on the verge of actually smiling, something Xander had never seen the great broodster do.
Xander pushed his way out the door, the last thing he heard being Spike saying, "Get me a chocolate old fashioned and I won't kill your mates!"
"You won't get the chance to kill us," said Buffy. She gave the evil vampire a shove. He didn't move. "You got to hear. Now go."
"No way. I've got a free donut coming my way."
"Nice try. Vampires don't eat food. Leave."
"Maybe Peaches doesn't eat food, but I do." Spike stumbled back this time when she pushed him, hitting his head on the wall. "Bloody violent is what you are."
Pain burst in her skull. She groaned, holding her head. Was it she or the room that was spinning in circles? "Hartless demon," she managed, the room slowly coming back into view.
"Actually owned a hart once," Spike said, thoughtfully. "Well, I guess it was Dru's... She forgot to feed it, you see. The thing was dead in a week."
"I meant heart," she said, glaring at his somewhat-swimming figure. "And who's Dru?"
"His unwilling companion," Angel filled in. Buffy was amused to see him catching Spike's fist, keeping it from hitting the older vampire in the head. Yet he couldn't care to stop me from having my head punched in... Very considerate of him.
There was a long, stretched silence, filled with tension. It ended when Angel released Spike, who quickly backed away, to Buffy's other side...
...and promptly got smacked by the door. "Bloody Hell!" Spike glared at a just-entering Xander. "Pray you got me the right donut, boy."
"Its knot my fault you were standing sew close two the door."
"Never mind. Not eating you. My lower my IQ to eat such bad food."
"Hay, this 'food' brought you a doe nut!"
Buffy tried to bite back her laughter. She really did. However, it was just as funny the second time to hear Xander say something so absolutely strange and ridiculous.
"Why is every buddy all-weighs laughing at me?"
Spike plucked up his donut from the box. "Figure it out, whelp."
"Now you're leaving," Buffy said, shoving Spike out the door. She figured it was working because he was allowing her to, taking steps along with her shoves so he wouldn't stumble. "I hope too kill you soon."
"I will kill you soon, and it's to, not-." Buffy slammed the door after him, cutting off his response. As it was a swinging door, it swung first out, then back in, whacking her in the face. "Giles!" she yelled, holding her sore nose. "We need to replace this door!"
"It appears to be working just fine," he answered, clearly not paying attention. He was writing away in his Watcher's Diary.
Buffy stomped over to the table, ripping the top of the donut box right off. While her friends stared in horror at the unjust mutilation, she chose a jelly-filled donut. Her favorite.
"Were knot going to make a habitat of hanging out with Spike, rite?"
"What? Oh, no." Buffy took a bite of her donut. Yum, Krispy Kreme... "He's going to dye."
"It's actually called bleaching," said Willow, "when you make the hair lighter, because-"