Author: A.D. Williams PM
Imagine having never heard of that word...and still going through the changes. No one in your age group to try to relate with. Oh, and for references, all you have is a group of literally heartless people. Roxas now thinks his sanity has shattered!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Roxas - Words: 2,567 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 1 - Published: 05-05-10 - Status: Complete - id: 5947664
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Here's another strange story idea that I've been rolling around in my noggin for awhile…and I sadly have Justin Bieber to thank for it. It started off with one comment on YouTube, then multiple ones: What will he sound like when he hits puberty? And thus, Roxas' ordeal with it was born!
I must say that I do not know everything about male physiology, or the exact details of what a guy really experiences when going through this phase. But half the stuff here is a big over-exaggeration for comedic sake anyways.
It's wacky, it funny, it's random, and it's Roxas! What more reasons do you need to read it? ^_^
Disclaimer of Roxas: Do. Not. Want. But only because I'm too old. Or he's too young…
He Wouldn't Wish it on His Worst Enemy…
Looking back, Roxas would probably say that the changes happened slowly and suddenly at the same time. It probably makes no sense, but really, there's just not much of a way to make sense of it.
It was nature and that's the end of it.
Axel was always his go-to person for things. Always, always, always. But Axel had an uncanny way for spitting random knowledge out about this or that, facts nobody cared for (no pun intended), but became choked up if asked anything serious or relevant. So Roxas decided that he'd bypass his best friend in lieu of someone older and wiser to explain some things to him.
"…And you want me to explain this to you?" Lexaeus asked, lowering his crochet needles, giving the boy a skeptical look. Roxas could see Zexion peeking at him over the top of his book as he read in the corner of the room.
"Well…you're older…and not too old. You've gotta know what's happening to me. Er, right?"
It was a one time thing and it would never happen again. Lexaeus laughed. Oh, he didn't just give a quick chuckle and end it there, oh no! The walls shook with the force of his laughter! Even Zexion looked disturbed at this sudden outbreak and a quiet poof could be heard as he made a break for it through a portal.
"That's….that's a good one!" Lexaeus panted. "Of ALL the people here, me!! HA!" As quickly as it started, the laughter stopped and he became grave again. Most disturbing indeed. "Roxas I cannot help you to absolve your teenage metamorphosis."
"I'm turning into a butterfly?!" Roxas yelled. "Awesome!!!"
"What?! NO! Now leave!" Lexaeus pointed a huge finger to the door. With the cool possibility of having wings gone, Roxas dragged his feet as he left.
The first sign that Roxas knew something was wrong with him was when he went down to the dining hall one morning to find the sight of Larxene bending over in the fridge attractive.
Sure, Xigbar had oogled her before when she'd done it. And Luxord. And Xaldin. And practically every male there (Xemnas excluded because he was oogling Kingdom Hearts because that's the best 'full moon' he could ever want). But Roxas had always been too young to understand this behavior. It seemed ridiculous that they would behold her in such awe when she was unaware since when she was aware, they all made absolute sure to stay away from her and her…dark personality, to put it gently.
Now Roxas understood it. Oh yeah…he was finally let in on the secret.
She had such excellent poise! Why, her back was perfectly straight, even though she was leaning down. Beautiful! What a turn-on!
For the record, Roxas of course did not know the term 'turn-on'…he just knew that something inside of him liked what he was seeing.
He tried to stare at Xion and Namine the same way he stared at Larxene and found them…utterly disappointing. No grace whatsoever. They also seemed to lack the lumps that Larxene had on her body too. Those were pretty awesome to stare at as well.
Second clue Roxas observed in himself that all was not right in Roxyland was that he was growing hairs in places he once never had. Oh yes. There.
"What the hell is this on my face?!!!"
"It's called a mustache, mate," Luxord told him when Roxas had come to him seeking his advice. "Of course, yours is so pathetic that it can't even be called that. What you have there are whiskers."
"I'm changing into a cat?!!" Roxas put a hand to his few hairs in disbelief.
"No, you're—Yes. Yes you are. You are indeed turning into a cat." Luxord had already heard the story from Lexaeus and this opportunity to screw with the boy was just too good to pass up. "Now, all cats love sparrows and I need for you to catch me a certain kind of sparrow. A Jack Sparrow, if you will. You can find one in Port Royal."
Roxas did as he was told and 12 hours later, swearing like the sailor he was, Jack Sparrow was thrown to Luxord's room floor, bound with ropes from his own ship.
"I…*pant*…I have a feeling these aren't the kinds of sparrows that cats catch," Roxas said, out of breath from the long fight. "Further more, I don't think I'm turning into one. I certainly haven't gained better agility, my balance sucks, and I've tried licking myself to get clean; ew."
Roxas turned to walk away, but the Black Pearl captain pleaded for him to reconsider. "Er…Rucksack! Some assistance!"
The boy narrowed his eyes and frowned. "That's Roxas, got it memorized?"
The man rolled his own eyes. "Will ye leave a mate to perish?"
Roxas sighed, then used the edge of his Keyblade to cut the ropes.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Luxord shouted just as Jack leaped through the window, landed on a walkway, and made a mad break for freedom.
Roxas shrugged. "Guess he flew the coop."
One of the most significant changes Roxas noticed within himself was nothing he'd ever expected and when it was all said and done, he actually wanted to cry like a child.
His beloved voice posted a 'Looking for Roomies' sign in his lungs, and boy didn't they choose the right ones.
"I don't want another pretty face. I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful sooooooouuuull!!!" Roxas sang in his room one day, surprised and proud of how much he could sound like the original singer. He idolized Jesse McCartney, probably more than he had any right to.
That was Monday. Roughly by Friday, his voice sounded like a drunken Scooby-Doo and Shaggy duet on open mic night at the bar. His angelic voice was gone.
"Wow…you're a soprano, alto, and bass all in one," Xigbar kidded him. Why did Roxas choose him to go to this time? He didn't. Xigbar just happened to be the person to tell him what he sounded like that Friday when he again tried to sing Beautiful Soul. Description is above.
"Well…how do I change it back?" Roxas asked helplessly.
"HA! Change. As if. Listen tiger, kiss that old voice goodbye. You're starting to man-up, grow some hair on your chest, ya know?"
"Please don't say that. There's this annoying guy named Ra in Twilight Town that always says that line," Roxas muttered. "So…I'll never be able to sing Jesse McCartney songs again? But he's older than me! How come he still sounds awesome?"
Xigbar's grin grew wider. "Because his nuts never dropped, that's why! Bwhahaha!!!" He walked away, laughing at his own little joke.
…And leaving Roxas more confused and terrified than he'd ever felt before in his life.
For awhile thereafter, he walked around with his hands on his crotch, ensuring that his nuts never 'dropped'.
Still with his hands on his pants, Roxas sat scrunched into an armchair in Saix's own office.
"This whole thing is so stupid!" He ranted at the man. Oh yes, Saix was taking time out of his busy day (read: Kissing Xemnas' ass) to listen to him rant. "None of this is making sense. In fact, nobody is making sense here. No pun intended. How come nobody understands what's going on with me? And this Organization must be made of retards as well. I swear, where did you guys find these people? Dumbasses R Us? Seriously, I could've done better than that and—"
Saix scribbled a last thing on a piece of paper with harsh finality. "Roxas, go defeat some heartless. When you think you've defeated enough, defeat some more. Once you're certain that you've worked all the testosterone out of your body, then come back."
"And that's exactly what I'm talking about!" Roxas shouted, launching into another tantrum. "What the hell is that anyways?! You're just gonna sweep the explanation under the carpet, telling me I'll understand it when I'm older like all you stupid adults do, like I'm not old enough to ever understand anything. Ohh, wittle Woxas is too young and innocent to get it! You people are so lame! And blah blah blah…"
Roxas indeed did carry on with his one-sided argument…as Saix ushered him through a portal to a random world and out of the sanctity of his office. Under all the angsty whining, his words might've held some sort of point. But who has time to sit and find it? Once he was well on his way, Saix picked up his stack of papers and skipped on over to Xemnas' office to show him he was finished and to await the pat on the head he so loved when he did a good job.
358 days is all it had taken to shatter Roxas completely.
"I give! I can't take it anymore!" He screamed in a momentous outburst at the dining room table. "I'm hot then I'm cold, it's yes, then it's no. It's in, then it's out. It's up then it's down! It's wrong, when it's right; it's black and it's white. We fight, we make up; We kiss, we break-up!"
"…I…only asked if you wanted some more mashed potatoes…" Xaldin said quietly, putting the bowl back on the table and sitting down again.
Roxas began banging his head on the table.
"Roxas, c'mon, let's eat out tonight," Axel suddenly said, standing up.
"Oh to hell you are!" Xaldin interrupted. "I did not cook this food for you to skip out to go eat at any ole place. You are going to eat this dinner that I have put my blood, sweat, tears, and HEART into making and you are going to like it!"
Roxas and Axel blinked, then both slowly sat down again as well, giving the Whirlwind Lancer fearful glances all through the meal.
After dinner though, Axel managed to pull the blonde aside. Atop the usual place, the ledge where Axel had to have broken his twiggy tailbone from just flopping down so much, the two were able to talk.
Roxas spilled everything to him. Everything? Oh yes, everything. He figured it didn't matter anymore. He was a freak and everyone seemed to know it but him. What difference did it make if he told him than in less than a year, he'd sprouted up a whole six inches? Or that his chest was also getting hair (Roxas saw it as fur, figuring Luxord was right). And even about that embarrassing incident where he on purposely got in Larxene's way just so she could touch him, which caused such a pleasurable reaction, he had to change his clothes afterwards? None of it mattered. Hopefully the Organization would remember him fondly after he finished transforming into a butterfly…cat…thing.
"Ya know Roxas, none of this is anything really too unusual," Axel told him once he'd finally run out of changes to list. "In fact, it's pretty damn natural. Why didn't you come to me sooner?"
"Er…" Why didn't he go to him again? Oh yeah. "You always scratch your hair and avert your eyes when you don't know the answer to something, and then you give a half-assed explanation of it."
"You're right, I do do that…when I don't know the answer!" Axel laughed. "But I know this one! C'mon, I thought it was official that I was your life-line! Have more faith in me, buddy." He dragged him into a hug with his arm. "Ya wanna know something even cooler about what you're going through? Guys aren't the only ones. Girls go through it too."
"Girls' nuts drop too?" Roxas asked with innocent eyes.
"Um…no. But uh, they have other things that happen to them. I guess because you guys became nobodies in the middle of your teen years, only now is this all hitting you. But yeah, everyone goes through these changes, so don't sweat it, 'kay? Just look at it as a new chapter of your life starting!"
"Still can't sing Jesse McCartney songs," Roxas grumbled.
"Yeah, see, along with puberty comes better music tastes as well…"
They had wondered for awhile if they were making the right decision. Several times of going down the list again and again had, in the end, led to the only logical answer…and thus, this was their only way.
With a terrified gulp, Namine knocked on the door.
"My door is open," came the witch's voice.
She creaked the door open. "M-may we speak to you…Larxene?" The girl asked, trying to hide her shaking legs. A hard feat since she didn't have a cloak like the others.
"Hm? What's baldy doing here with you?" Larxene gave Xion a disinterested once-over before turning away.
"If you must know, we have some issues to discuss with you. Lady issues," Xion said heatedly, cutting off Namine's shy stammering to prove to this woman that she indeed was not scared of her.
"Ohhhh. Oh! Well then…do come in…" Laxene ushered them into the room further, then got up to close the door behind them. Marluxia happened to be passing by and before the door fully shut, he caught a brief glimpse of the smirk on her face. Oh no…what innocent moths had managed to be ensnared by the black widow this time?
The blonde woman stifled her giggles behind a hand. What fun this was going to be!
Wasn't this interesting to write! And before you guys ask, no, I won't be writing anything for the girls on this. Let's just suffice it to say that the girls are probably going to be more confused with Larxene's explanations than Roxas was with the rest of the Org members!