|The Key to a Successful Interview
Author: The Sage of Toads PM
This is Ranma 1/2 shaken, stirred, and smashed with a baseball bat. Written with emphasis on accuracy, which was then completely disregarded for the sake of comedy, if you're reading this with fanonical misconceptions, prepare to be disappointed.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Drama - Ranma & Akane - Chapters: 30 - Words: 258,647 - Reviews: 588 - Favs: 514 - Follows: 437 - Updated: 12-18-12 - Published: 05-07-10 - id: 5953631
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Another shitty Ranma ½ fanfiction
The Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!
And suddenly, Ranma Saotome
Did he just use his ARSENAL heading for this?
It wasn't Akane's fault that she hated boys. If some pompous jackass who couldn't hold his own against a girl suddenly declared that you could be dated only if someone marched over and beat the crap out of you first, unleashing a veritable flood of horny assholes longing to beat you unconscious and then claim you as their girl, you'd be a trifle disgruntled too. To think that she had admired Kuno as a martial artist too, before that fateful spar, boy she knew how to pick them!
For the first few days she actually liked the workout, it was a good way to train her skills against multiple enemies at once. After that, however, it quickly lost its appeal because stacks of bricks put up a better fight than even the best of them. Three weeks of fighting the same die-hard virgins looking to slake their lusts in her own virginity, all of whom showing no sign of improvement or even a modicum of talent, was leaving her angrier and angrier with every kick and punch. At this rate, she'd graduate from simply knocking out to committing grievous bodily harm. That would be satisfying, although she'd probably spend the rest of her life in jail, or worse… on the Mixed Martial Arts Circuit.
Satisfaction, as it was, were the aforementioned stacks of bricks that waited at home for her. There was something cathartic in just breaking stuff with all of your might and not having to take flak from people for it–like the parents of the students she viciously crushed.
Akane briskly continued walking home from the mountain of bodies in the school yard she left to drown in the rain that threatened to fall at any moment. Home was practically a straight shot, all she'd have to do is get home, get changed, do some running, and then brick-break city. The very thought of getting that burn in made her smile, one that promptly fell off her face when a group of boys materialized in front of her, great, Sci-Fi Club Nerds.
"Akane Tendo, we of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club will now challenge and defeat you in honorable, savage combat," The Jedi-dressed club president said as he deployed one of those obnoxious toy light sabers. "You have no chance to win; the Force is on our side."
Ugh, nerds who couldn't get it right. If he was supposed to be a Jedi, then he should know that the statement he made was arrogance unbecoming of a Jedi! Akane's mood soured further as these people butchered Star Wars right in front of her. She let out a deep breath that sounded distinctly Vader-like, and shook her head.
"No, I'm done for the day. Just get out my way so I can get home." She could not behoove to fight these losers. Bad enough she had to beat up virgins daily, but to grant these sorry guys their only touch from a woman in the form of her fists to their faces was cruel in itself.
More obnoxious Star Wars toys were drawn, creating a cacophony of sounds that, to her dread, she'd might end up hating if she heard too much of. As the Moron Order stepped forward, their leader answered her denial. "You cannot refuse this challenge! We will defeat you, and you will become the mascot of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club!"
Akane groaned and prepared to fight, at least she'd finally get a toy light saber like she always wanted. The club members adopted the various mimicked Jedi Knight fighting stances, and then some guy in a red shirt and black pants landed with both feet on the president's face and leaped off him, kicking him into his friends and knocking them down like poorly dressed pins.
"Eh?" Akane stopped and lowered her stance, surprised by this odd turn of events.
Landing on his feet, Ranma Saotome looked with surprise at the person he landed on and his friends, and felt a bit bad. He was in kind of a hurry, and hadn't been paying attention on his landing because he had been focusing on his takeoff away from his Old Man. "Stupid Panda, this is his fault. He should've just let me go back to China in peace."
He turned to look at the guys, and then over at the girl that he'd noticed out the corner of his eye during the final seconds of his descent. The leader, blood pouring from his nose, shot to his feet, pointing the light saber accusingly at him. "What the Hell did you do that for, jackass?!"
Akane stared with muted exasperation at the club president. Some Jedi he was. Ranma took exception to the whole jackass remark and snorted. He couldn't waste time on these guys. "Hey, I'm in a hurry, alright? I'm sorry for the…"
Almost on reflex, Ranma kicked the president in the face as he lunged to hit him with the light saber toy. As he fell his incensed subordinates also attacked and in a record time that made Akane envious he brutalized the lot of them, leaving them laid out all over the sidewalk, street, and on the fence that bordered the street and canal. Needless to say Akane was impressed by the swift, violent display.
Lowering his foot, Ranma looked over to Akane and grimaced. Crap, he'd gone and ruined these guys' shit in front of a girl. He had to say something quick. "Uh, I'm sorry you had to see that."
He then noticed a blur coming along off to his side. "I gotta go, sorry about that again!"
And then like Superman he was off, hopping up onto the fence and then over the canal. A split second later, a blur followed him–wait… was that a fucking Panda? Akane slowly shook her head, and then looked down the street at the clear path ahead of her.
"How weird, but…" She smiled a little bit. For the first time in weeks, she encountered a member of the opposite sex that did not appear to be completely fucking retarded. On top of that he was kind of cute! Oh, and strong! He completely mopped the floor with those nerds; it didn't even look like he was putting any effort into it. Now there was a real Martial Artist!
Walking over to one of the Sci-Fi nerds, she picked up his light saber and not so discretely slipped it into her book bag. For that embarrassing display, she deemed herself entitled to it, and made her way home in a better mood than she was before.
Arriving at home, Akane performed her afternoon routine and did some much needed brick breaking before Nabiki arrived to tease her about her plight. Turning to Nabiki as she made a comment about boys and being weird, she let out a small, indignant huff.
"The boys think I'm weird? Nabiki, they're the ones who line up every morning so they can get the snot kicked out of them, all because they think that I'll go out with them if they beat me up," Akane ranted. "What sort of stupid logic was that, anyway? How'd they get it in their head that beating a woman will make her love you?"
"I believe it's now called the Chris Brown Method," Nabiki joked.
Akane stared at her, horrified. Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "What, too soon?"
"This is all Kuno's fault, you know. You have class with him; don't you have a way of making him stop?" Akane asked as she began setting up more bricks to pummel, to quickly change the subject. Her older sister was of course against the very notion, why put such a great cash cow out to pasture? The economy still sucked, after all.
"I've tried, he's a buffoon." Nabiki had gone to get Kuno to call off the bounty on her little sister's chastity, but right away sold out when the moron offered her a hefty sum for a picture of Akane. It all snowballed from there and at the rate she was going she could just buy her way into Toudai, to Hell with that exam nonsense.
"I suppose at this rate, I'm going to end up a man-hating lesbian, then," Akane lamented, knowing her Father would likely die of a heart attack had he been within earshot. She smiled a little bit, recalling the helpful stranger. "Unless, that is, I can meet that guy who helped me out earlier."
Guy? Helped? Positive inflection in her voice! If Nabiki's stocks soared like her interest was doing right now, the Tendo Family could take the Kuno Family and make them their servants. She all but dashed over to Akane, a broad smile on her face as she bounced on her feet. "You met a guy?!"
Akane's smile became a little bit shy. "Nabiki…"
"Tell me, tell me!" Nabiki demanded, taking Akane's hands. "Was he cute? What did do? What did he look like? Did you get a name?"
Akane's smile grew, as she blushed. "I ran into some jerks today, and this guy in Chinese clothes just swooped down and beat them up for me without breaking a sweat. In fact, he even apologized that I had to witness it."
"But was he cute, though?"
The younger sister fidgeted. "He was, kind of good looking, I guess. He certainly wasn't bad."
She brought her hands together, still covered in dust from the bricks, and twiddled her fingers as she regrettably recalled the next part of her story. "And before I could ask for his name or even say thanks, he was off and running. For some strange reason, a Panda was chasing him."
Nabiki stared. "A 'what' was chasing him?"
"A Panda Bear, seriously."
In a town where savage combat could break out at any moment between super-humanly strong martial artists, a story like the one that fell upon Nabiki's ears was not met with skepticism but with jaded curiosity. It couldn't be anything mundane, like another martial artist, or a policeman, it had to be something wacky.
"Well, if you see him again, maybe you should ask him out on a date."
Nabiki's answer brought a flush to Akane's face. "I don't know…"
Nabiki patted Akane on the shoulders. "He helped you out, seemed kind of nice, and he was cute, Akane. He's already better than eighty-five percent of the boys in your grade and at least seventy percent of the boys in mine."
Akane managed a small smile. "You give those perverts too much credit."
Without any warning, Nabiki dropped a bombshell on her. "Well, there's that and if you have a boyfriend, Dad at least won't marry you off to the guy that he's engaged one of us to."
Frozen, Akane's eyes grew wide. "Dad did what?!"
Soun Tendo, widower, father of three, and quite a handsome guy back in the day (still kind of is to the spinsters on the block), was a dedicated martial artist. One day he and his old rival Genma Saotome swore an oath to engage their children, a boy and a girl, to bring their two schools together. Afterwards, they parted ways, with Genma being the far more upwardly mobile of the two when it came to the art, frequently heading out on training journeys and even taking his young son with him to turn him into a formidable martial artist.
For years, through raising his daughters through the death of his wife, he rarely kept in touch with his fellow student of 'he-who-shall-not-be-named', but knew that one day the time would come that Genma and his son, Ranma would come and fulfill their oath.
He just didn't expect it to be this day with the postcard he received from China. Nor did he expect a panda to suddenly barge into his house carrying a girl who identified herself as Ranma Saotome. His spirit effectively crushed, Soun admitted his defeat and laid down on a bedroll with the blanket to his chin, an itinerary of slowly wasting away to his death preplanned in his head.
"Father, please don't do this. I know you're disappointed but you do not have to lay there to die," Kasumi pleaded gently with her silently weeping Father.
"He's disappointed? He sets us up with this Ranma person and doesn't have the sense to check under the hood!" Nabiki snarled.
"HE SAID HE HAD A SON!" Soun yelled rather loudly from where he laid, causing Ranma and the large Panda seated behind her to wince. Nabiki however was unfazed and groped Ranma.
"Do you see a son here? Well, do you? Because all I'm feeling is a handful of natural, supple woman bits." Ranma stared at Nabiki, and said something or other that was lost to the squabble.
Kasumi, somewhat unsure of how to address this, went with what she'd once seen on the internet. "Maybe she's a futanari?"
Given the morbid reaction from Nabiki, Soun, and the Panda behind Ranma, the three of them were disgusting perverts. Ranma had met the statement with a bemused tilt of his head, while Akane didn't register it at all. She was locked onto the strange girl next to her, and was doing a bit of detective work. This Ranma person, she had the same hair (albeit a different color now), the same clothes, and seemed kind of polite just like that boy she met earlier. However, there was just no feasible way she could reconcile her observations. Was there something she was missing?
Whatever the case was, she had to get Ranma out of here before Nabiki started stripping her to prove to her Father that the son he was promised was in fact a daughter. She got up and tapped Ranma on the shoulder. "Hey, join me in the dojo?"
Looking up at the girl, Ranma smiled gratefully to her for giving her an escape from Groper, Queen of the Perverts. With a hasty bow and a request to be excused, Ranma and Akane departed the living room and went into the dojo.
Akane, while not a schemer, had herself a plan. That boy whom she encountered utterly dominated those boys, despite being outnumbered twelve to one, in less than five seconds. Such a feat would've taken her at the least twice as long if she wasn't feeling particularly vindictive. She figured, if she went all out against Ranma, she'd have at least most of her questions saved the obvious one. How?
"Okay, are you ready?" She asked Ranma, who bowed to her casually. "Just so you know I'm not going to hold back, okay?"
Ranma blinked and raised her hands. "Wait, you're what?"
Like a gunshot she was off, delivering a quick punch that was evaded with a simple, impressive vertical leap. When she tried to catch her coming down with a high kick, she performed a split and evaded it. As Ranma fell back to land, she deftly swayed like a leaf to avoid Akane's blows, and took only a half step back from her. She was fast, faster than her. Same clothes, same hair style, same speed. What was going on?
"Okay, I have to know," she said. "Do you have a twin brother or something?"
Ranma lowered her stance. "Huh?"
Abandoning her stance, Akane placed her arms akimbo and huffed. "Earlier today, a guy who looked a lot like you but was, you know, a guy gave me a hand today and then ran off being chased by a panda. All of a sudden you show up, with a panda. Do you know that guy?"
Yeah, she had to have a brother. It was the only thing that made sense, right? "I'm just really confused right now, and so are my Dad and my sisters."
The other girl pulled a little bit of a grimace, but sighed in resignation nevertheless. It was going to get out anyway, better when it wasn't a huge misunderstanding or something stupidly comedic that ruined this kind of cute girl's opinion of her. She took a deep breath. "Alright, I'll tell you as long as you promise not to freak out, okay?"
Freak out? Was she whatever it was Kasumi said that made everyone else shudder in revulsion? "Um, alright, I promise I won't freak out."
Ranma nodded. "Get me some warm water in a bucket, and then bring it here."
Nodding, Akane left the dojo and headed immediately for the furo. Less than a moment later, she returned and found Ranma topless save for a towel draped over her shoulders. Alright, this was getting substantially weirder. "Ah, Ranma…?"
"I just don't want to get my shirt wet. Look, is that water warm?" She said to her, not wanting to get into the details beyond that. The girl had to see it for herself.
Akane held up the bucket, displaying the slight steam off it. Ranma nodded again. "Alright, throw the water at me. Be sure to douse me, okay?"
Alright, the logic for taking off the shirt was apparent. "Okay, I'll do as you said." With a slightly reluctant heave she splashed Ranma with the water. "Alright, now what…?"
A split second later the empty bucket fell from her hands as Akane stared completely dumbfounded at a male Ranma Saotome. Inside her head, the "What the Hell?!" her mind screamed caused an immediate cascade failure that prevented her from screaming the expletive aloud. Instead disbelief-induced loss of consciousness, a safeguard against psychological trauma, kicked in and Akane fainted dead away on the dojo floor.
Staring down at the unconscious girl, Ranma lowered his head and sighed. He had told her not to freak out, but oh well… at least she didn't walk in on him coming out of the bath, or anything disastrous like that.
That would've sucked.
Akane's ongoing BSOD had Nabiki as worried as she was freaked out about the fact that the older man and his son seated across from her were cursed to transform into a bear and girl respectively when liberal amounts of cold water were applied. Kasumi was resting a damp cloth over her youngest sibling's forehead, while Soun grimaced as he looked to his old friend, who had just related to the three present the harrowing story of how both became afflicted with their curses.
"How irresponsible," Kasumi admonished, "Taking Ranma to such a dangerous place to train. Didn't you at all consider the risks?"
Ranma unfolded his arms and presented to Kasumi a tattered guidebook. Examining it, she quickly understood. "I see, neither of you can read Chinese, can you?"
Both shook their heads, and Nabiki lamented, "This is the price of ignorance. Who goes on a long trip to China and doesn't at least have a grasp on the language?"
"What matters," Soun loudly stated to drown out his daughter, "Is that this doesn't really affect the engagement."
Kasumi and Nabiki both gave their father a pointed look he deflected by completely focusing on Ranma and his friend. Much to his chagrin, Ranma's gaze was all the more hostile. "What do you mean it doesn't affect the engagement? I turn into a girl when I'm doused in cold water!"
"But with warm water you're a man again, so it's not entirely too bad. It's an inconvenience instead of a crippling tragedy, therefore you can learn to make due." Soun then joined Ranma's side and gestured to his daughters. "Now then, Kasumi, Nabiki, and of course you've already met Akane. Pick one, and she will be your future wife."
Was this man on some sort of drug? Had Ranma not been dealt his current affliction, he'd have been more than happy to say "Sure, I'll pick the cute one with the dark blue hair" and live happily ever after. But no, he was in the midst of a gender identity crisis of unrivaled proportions and both these old idiots were more concerned about the arrangement than fixing the problem!
Just as he was about to inquire about the Tendo Patriarch's dealer, Akane finally sat up and rubbed her head, mercifully drawing the attention of the room. As she sat up and stared at Ranma, her cheeks colored slightly, which she quickly concealed by covering her face with her hands and rubbing her eyes. "What happened? Can somebody tell me?"
Nabiki was more than happy to fill her in. "Well Ranma can change genders because of a curse he accidentally received in China because his Father didn't understand warning signs. You splash him with cold water to turn him into a girl and warm to turn him back. His father turns into a Panda, because he got a different curse. Oh and Dad wants one of us to marry him."
Ranma cringed at the edge of apprehension present in Nabiki's tone. Akane looked at him, and then back to her sisters. "One of us has to?"
Kasumi nodded. "Yes."
"It kind of stings that we're suddenly being offered up like this, but what are you going to do?" The edge of apprehension dulled with her aloof resignation.
For once, the tomboyish and generally outspoken Akane was at a loss for words. She wasn't really sure how to approach this, but she did feel bad for both of them, especially Ranma. After all the terrible things he's probably had to go through since becoming cursed, and their fathers hoist this on the poor guy! She looked at Kasumi; she didn't care for younger men, so that was flat out. Nabiki though, Akane knew that her milkshake bringing all the boys to the schoolyard and Soun's nigh-homicidal doting were the only reasons the middle sister wasn't sneaking a different boy in every week, but subjecting Ranma to Nabiki would only end in tears and an empty wallet. She knew what she had to do.
"I'll be his fiancée," Akane volunteered, causing Ranma to sputter in surprise as Nabiki grew dumbfounded and Kasumi surprised.
"Akane!" Kasumi gasped, although her exclamation appeared more for dramatic effect than concern. Nabiki was amazed that the borderline misandrist would turn a new leaf in support of Ranma.
None in the room were more surprised though, than Ranma himself. "Are you serious?"
"Well, you seem nice," Akane explained. "You helped me out earlier, and you were pretty upfront about the curse when I asked about it. Furthermore Kasumi doesn't like younger boys, and Nabiki doesn't really train, it only makes sense if the two people of the schools who actively practice the art inherited it."
"Yeah, but I got this whole curse thing. I don't really have time for fiancées and stuff; I gotta find a way to fix this," Ranma said.
Akane smiled. "Well then I'll help you, if you want. It's the least I can do after you took care of those nerds for me."
Ranma hummed, and his big mouth came into play. "About that, why didn't you just beat them up yourself? Those guys were a bunch of pushovers."
Beginning with a sigh, Akane explained, "Ugh, it's a really dumb situation at my school and I was just sick of it. If I had to, I would've, but you got there first and I'm really grateful that you did." They don't make nerds like they used to, she probably would've killed one or two of them.
"I see, I guess. I don't know about this whole engagement thing, but I'm totally fine with being friends." Ranma managed a smile and held his hand out to Akane. If it meant he wasn't alone in fixing this mess, then he'd be glad to have a friend.
Akane smiled back and shook Ranma's hand heartily. Right in mid shake, their hands were cupped by a tearful Soun and an idiotically grinning Genma. Both youths recoiled. "Huh?"
"You hear that, Tendo? Our schools will be united!" Genma said.
"This is the happiest day of my life, Saotome!" Soun sobbed like they were the ones getting married.
Ranma, his face a stone mask, stared at Akane. "Is your old man always this moody?"
As though empathically absorbing Ranma's irritation at their elders' disregard for the more important issues at hand, Akane returned the same stare to Ranma. "Is yours always this feckless?"
"Oh, you have no idea." And just like that, the two of them found their first bit of common ground; both tolerated little their Fathers' antics. Little did they realize, by the end of the story that common ground would become a continent of shared misfortune, misadventure, and misery.
"What kind of dork wears a shirt with his name on it, anyway?" Akane playfully teased as she gathered her things up into her book bag the next day. That's all it was, since given the opportunity, namely no one else being on Earth or she being invisible, she'd be ogling Ranma like it was no one's business, which it was. He may have been the same age as all the other boys in her grade, but he was definitely built like a man.
Relaxing after a wake up spar with his Father, Ranma looked back at Akane and smiled back to her. "Try not to get ambushed by another sci-fi convention, okay?"
"See you later, Ranma." As Akane headed for the door behind Nabiki, however, Genma raised his hand.
"Actually, the boy can walk with you today. I took the courtesy to enroll Ranma in school before we arrived here," he explained to her.
Ranma grew surprised, it had been years since he'd been to a school that didn't teach by means that would be considered abhorrent child abuse in a third world country. "School, huh?"
"We are going to be here for a while, at least until you and Akane get married." Genma put emphasis on the marriage part, sparking protest from both children.
"Will you get off that?" Akane turned to Ranma. "Hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late, okay?"
For the briefest second, she forgot that she was talking as she watched Ranma all but rip off his emblazoned tank-top for a plain white one and a Chinese shirt. She recovered in time to notice that Nabiki, who had stopped to witness the commotion, was much more engrossed in the sight of Ranma topless.
Dressed and ready Ranma tapped her on her forehead. "Yo, Akane, let's get going."
Right, they were going to be late if the dawdled anymore. Bidding farewell to Genma and Kasumi in the kitchen, Ranma and Akane left a short distance behind Nabiki. As they walked along, Ranma slipped his hands into his pockets, he looked at Akane who was a few paces ahead of him, and watched her long, tied off hair swish from side to side. He kind of liked it, he noted to himself.
"So, why were those nerds after you yesterday?" Akane raised her shoulders and dropped them as she let out a sigh of annoyance at the question.
"I guess I should tell you before we get there, but there's this stupid challenge or bounty or whatever you want to call it going on," Akane shot back. "According to the boys at school, if any of them manage to beat me, I'll go on a date with them."
Ranma raised a single eyebrow. "That's retarded, who came up with that?"
Akane liked his response. "An upperclassman named Tatewaki Kuno, he's really strong too. He'd probably crush you in a single hit so it's good that you're fast like you are."
"Uh-huh, so are you going to honor that little bet?" Ranma asked.
"I don't really have a choice." Akane grew a bit tense. "I never agreed to it, but Kuno's practically the word of God at school. If he decrees it then it must be policy, in the last three weeks I've done nothing but fight off perverts at the start of school, between classes, during lunch, and on my way home."
Amazement and a bit of pity set in. "Well, on the bright side, it's good training, right?"
"Not really. You know how you'll never get stronger after a certain point with fifty pound weights?" Ranma nodded. "I'm at fifty pound weights, and those boys are two pound weights."
Now Ranma really felt bad for her. From one martial artist to another, letting your skills stagnate was one of the worst things you could let happen. Going by Akane's evidence, she was a starving man on a desert island with nothing to eat but gruel. Sure it was filling, but you'd die anyway because it gave you nothing by way of nutrition.
"As a result, I really hate boys." The school was in sight, and Akane picked up her pace, Ranma hopping off the fence to keep up with her.
"I'm not…" Ranma looked ahead and his eyes bugged out when he saw a crowd of at least fifty students, all male, dressed in everything from sports equipment to samurai armor waiting at the gate and likewise sporting all matter of weapon save the projectile variety–no wait there was a kid with a crossbow of some sort. "…Surprised?"
"You were saying?" Akane asked before she leapt ahead. "Now stay back! I'll handle this!"
The group of boys waiting in front of her immediately broke into a charge. Letting out an annoyed sound, she fell upon the ground and immediately disappeared into it. A moment later, young men were tumbling backward, being hurled throw the air, or being dropped where they stood by the nearly effortless hits Akane was laying on them.
"Go on a date with me, Akane!" a boy from the boxing club yelled as he attempted to use a Dempsey Roll to get in close, Akane kicked him in his fool face.
"Akane, I love you!" a boy desperately yelled with a hockey stick before he was clocked and sent tumbling through the crowd.
Arriving at her classroom window, Nabiki watched the slaughter with her classmates. "Oh look, she has a weapon now."
With the hockey stick in hand, Akane thrashed enough of the boys to create a circle of breathing room bordered by the bodies of the stunned and injured boys she had dispatched. The group encircled her, leery-eyed boys trying to plead with her or propose.
"Akane, I would treat you so good!" one boy called out.
"This could all stop if you went out with me!" a boy from the kendo club called.
Akane slammed the hockey stick on the ground. "Like Hell I'd go out with any of you!"
The mob came in at her from all sides again, and Akane felled them all two, three at a time with the hockey stick like a scythe through wheat, before the impromptu weapon broke. It didn't slow her down however, and her attackers continued to fall.
Ranma was impressed, but at the same time fully grasped the gravity of the situation now. Not only was Akane being accosted by these jerks but they weren't even putting up a challenge! This was no environment for a martial artist to live in, no way.
"Jeez Akane, I had no idea." He slipped down from the wall where he'd watched the one-sided beating from, and walked over to her side as the last student fell.
"It's like this every morning," Akane lamented.
A noble-accented voice spoke up over the groans of defeated Y-Chromosome bearers, prompting both Akane and Ranma to look over. "Truly they are a boorish lot; they will stop at nothing to defeat you so they may take you out on a date."
The pretty boy in the kendogi and brandishing a rose like he were a certain masked tuxedo raised a flag, this must that Kuno guy he heard about. Ranma looked to Akane; yep she looked pretty damn annoyed now. "Hello, Kuno-sempai, and good morning."
"Now then, Akane Tendo." He threw the rose to her. "May we fight so that I may collect my reward?"
Ranma snorted. "He's pretty confident in himself."
"Stay out of this, okay?" Akane asked.
Kuno immediately raised his bokken and pointed it straight for Ranma. "You there, you're being rather familiar with Akane. Who are you, boor?"
Wait, what? "Did you just call me a pig?"
"Oh, that's what he said? I thought he called you boring, and I was like 'Why would he call him that, he just met him?'" Both Akane and Ranma laughed, and Kuno grew more incensed.
"That joke doesn't even work in Japanese! I demanded your name, it is only customary to give one's own name before all else. Fine, if you must be taught how to introduce yourself, I shall be more than willing to school you!"
Ranma looked from the still smiling Akane to Kuno. "Uh, okay if you want."
"Here he goes," Akane mumbled as more students in the building began to oversee the fiasco, Nabiki in her classroom among them.
Striking a pose, meant to give off his good, noble, inner tormented side off to Ranma, he began. "Undefeated new star of the High School fencing world, Captain of the Kendo Club, Second Year Student and Class Representative of Group E, I am Tatewaki Kuno. But to my beloved peers and mortal foes, I am known better as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"
"So it's 'Blue Thunder' this week?" Nabiki said to her classmates as thunder rumbled overhead.
Akane was holding the same sentiment. "Oh brother, last week he was the 'Sword that Cleaves Evil', and before that he was 'Walking the path of heaven, he who will rule everything'."
"How can thunder be blue? It's a sound." Akane chuckled at Ranma's observation.
Before she could say anything, Kuno spoke up, "Well then! Introduce yourself, mongrel!"
"Well then, King of Heroes." Ooh, Kuno liked that one. "I'm staying at the Tendo Dojo, and–WHOA!"
The "whoa" was for when Kuno came at him, swinging his sword. "What did you say? You're living under the same roof as Akane?"
Oh that was it, he swung on a nigga. In mid-flip, he threw his bag to Akane. "Here, hold this!"
Akane caught it. "Ranma, we don't have the time."
Landing on his feet, Ranma adopted a stance. "I'm the heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling, I am Ranma Saotome and I accept your challenge."
With a sneer, Kuno readied his blade underneath a darkening sky. He may have been a goober, but boy did he know how to summon up some atmosphere. Ignoring the clamor from the onlookers, Ranma limbered up as the blowhard continued to spew greenhouse emissions. "So you scoundrel, hounding Akane are you? I, The Blue Thunder, shall bring you to justice."
"He's only staying with us, sempai," Akane noted, and went unheard.
"Yeah, so who's hounding who, hypocrite?" Ranma added, and went ignored before he narrowly jumped to evade a devastating slash that parted the wall. Okay, maniac with a wooden sword who can cut through concrete. Loath to admit as he was, Ranma could already tell he was going to like it here.
Landing behind Kuno, Ranma folded his arms. When the young kendo expert whirled around to strike, Ranma was suddenly inside his reach and in his face. "Telling everyone that if they beat her she'll be obligated to go out with them, what the Hell is wrong with you, jackass?" Akane's brows rose at Ranma's defense of her honor. "Knock it off, or else."
"Or else you'll do what?" Kuno unleashed a surprisingly speedy strike, which Ranma evaded for an aerial assault. "From above…!"
Dropping like a rock, Ranma struck towards Kuno's face with a flick of his wrist as he thrust up with the sword past his neck…and the next thing he knew a downpour started and he, or rather she was tucked under the arms of Genma, rushing him inside with a kettle of hot water in his other paw.
Behind the two, Akane looked down at the knocked out Upperclassman, and leaned over him to look at his face. Bringing her hand up to her lips to stifle her laugh, she turned and headed inside after them. Written on Kuno's face was the world "FAIL".
For a boy, Ranma was kind of cool.
A/N: STOP! IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-WRITE! Enjoy your slightly tweaked and gratuitously reworked Ranma fanfiction, to celebrate a year of it on Fanfiction Dot Net!