Author: Clichesbullet PM
A series of stand alone Seddie oneshots that originated either from missing moments of the series, quotes or episode facts. No real chronology.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Sam P. & Freddie B. - Chapters: 6 - Words: 27,391 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 06-16-10 - Published: 05-16-10 - id: 5976123
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
iLoathe You (A Lot)
A/N: I have around seven more of these written already. I'm starting with this one and then proceeding to type the rest. This was done as a gift for a friend and as part of a Challenge I took a while ago.
Anyway, all one shots are based in episode facts and their possible consequences. It's not like I've watched all of iCarly episodes, so you can always suggest me something and I can see whether I already wrote about it or not.
iHated Every Second
Summary: Carly never changes the subject before she's satisfied; even when there's a little distraction such as duct tape gluing her to a chair. Set right after the end of iThink They Kissed.
"Oh c'mon, Freddie, it looks exactly like him, just look at that little curve over there! How can you not see it?"
"No, Carly, no matter how hard I try; I can't see Ryan Secreast's face on the shapeless stain of paint on your ceiling."
"Well, of course you can't; you're not imagining him with the Statue of Liberty's crown on his head like I am, just try again! Look, right above that smaller stain that's his left eye…Ugh! If only I could point my finger!" As anyone would easily point out, being stuck to a chair that had fallen on the floor for over two hours was not exactly the most thrilling of experiences and Carly, Freddie and Sam soon became bored and frustrated after having to stare at the Shay's apartment roof for what felt like five lifetimes.
"Carly, there's no way that's Ryan Seacrest, it's just one big purple stain…"
"It's him!" Carly yelled at him in a high pitched tone. "We are all experiencing a miraculous appearance of Ryan Seacrest sacred image and you're not going to ruin the moment with your scientist's skepticism!" Freddie rolled his eyes at her:
"You're hallucinating, Carly, we've been trapped in this chair for too long and…" His face changed all of a sudden. "Why do I smell ribs?"
"Ribs? Why would you smell…? SAM!" Carly yelled at something she saw behind Freddie, making him turn his head for answers. Leaning on the kitchen counter, still covered by tons of silver tape (though most of it looked as if it had been ripped off) and holding on to a huge mountain of ribs for dear life, Sam Pucket stared absently at the ceiling.
"It looks more like Gibby in a Seagull outfit to me, Shay…" She said bobbing her head to the side. "A shirtless seagull. Yup, definitely Gibby."
They all stood there quietly, analyzing the ceiling once more for a minute or so before reality sunk in and Carly yelled:
"Why are you free?" she tried shaking herself out of the duct tape to no success. "How come you did this?"
"I got hungry." Sam shrugged licking her fingers. "And bored too. So I just…you know." She lifted her wrist showing the shredded leftovers of silver in there.
"You could have done this all along?" Freddie shouted making Sam chuckle:
"Your voice goes pitchy when you're angry!" She laughed a little more, lost in thoughts. "Oh, puberty, you wacky little lady!" She took a sip from the straw of her juice box. Freddie ignored her remark.
"I was so overwhelmed by Ryan's appearance, I didn't even notice Sam's setting herself free but she's right next to you, Freddie, how come you didn't feel anything?" Freddie sighed.
"My body went completely numb about one hour ago." He then turned to Sam. "How did you do it?"
"Mamma has super strength when she's hungry."
"She does, she really does." Carly said sounding a little proud. "Once, her mother was late to pick us up at the movies, I watched Sam break a pop corn machine with her own fists." She made a pause and her gaze became lost as if she was browsing some good memories. "I really miss being allowed to go to that mall…"
"Or anywhere that's around it within a 6 kilometers distance." Sam sighed nostalgically.
"Sam…" Freddie started in his most controlled tone. "Aren't you forgetting something?" He tried gesturing towards him and Carly but it turned out to be quite a hard thing to do when you're trapped and numb. Sam stared at the two of them lying on the floor with her eyebrows raised, in complete silence 'till her expression lit up with realization:
"Barbecue Sauce!" She ran to the fridge.
"GET US OUT!" Freddie and Carly cried at her.
"Alright, alright." She said closing the fridge door sheepishly and shrugging. "No need to get all vicious." She let go of one of the ribs for a second but then, as if she had just thought of something, she said to no one in particular:"I call the ribs!" and then licked each rib all over. Freddie looked as if he was about to barf:
"Gross would be if I had licked your face, Nub."
"Couldn't agree more, she-devil."
"I'm sorry to interrupt your bantering guys but my butt is getting all tingly!" Both Sam and Freddie snapped out of their usual bantering induced trance and stared at Carly a little baffled. "Yes, I said it. It wasn't my finest hour but it's really uncomfortable and I had to take desperate manners!" Sam finally placed the ribs on the counter, licked her fingers and walked over to Carly, purposely stepping on Freddie on the process. Three times.
"I swear to you, Puckett, once I'm free…" He started.
"You're still trapped so you better think twice before you finish this line…"
"I'll think so many bad stuff about you in complete silence, your aura will feel offended." Sam rolled her eyes as she held Carly's wrists and pulled them apart from each other at ease before doing the same to her ankles.
"There you go, Shay. Now pull the rest of the duct tape from around your body by lifting it up and watch the hair or else you're in for a new haircut." She held Freddie's wrists:
"Your hands are oily." He pointed out in disgust.
"Good and old lard mixed with mamma's DNA."
"Oh, just kill me."
"Don't tempt me, Benson." She said, her eyes narrowing viciously at him. "You free your own ankles, dork face." She stood up again and moved straight back to the place where the ribs laid; trying to eat them as fast as possible, probably afraid the others might try for a piece even though she had already marked her territory.
As Freddie struggled to free his ankles from the duct tape, Carly rolled to the side, duct tape all over her face and hair yelling in desperation:
"Sam! Sam! Sam! I'm in for a new haircut!" She shook her arms up and down, slapping Freddie's face accidentally a thousand times; he tried rolling to the opposite side but they were still too involved in the tape for this to work. Sam snickered but then proceeded to help Carly by stepping on Freddie's arm and rolling Carly away from him with some serious strength. Carly finally sat down, free at last breathing unevenly.
"It's all over my hair." She pointed out sadly. On her side, Freddie still rocked from side to side – ankles in the air – the duct tape reducing his ability to move his arms freely.
"Nah, don't worry. Just heat some water and stand in the direction of the vapor. It won't hurt as much as you think." She took a look at Freddie and rolled her eyes. "Do I have to do everything around here?" She set his ankles free with an abrupt move.
Carly stood up and grabbed a pan to heat the water.
"Hey, missy, get away from Princess Puckett's ribs." Sam pointed out as her friend got a little closer to the counter. Carly ignored her:
"Are you sure it won't hurt a lot?" Sam shrugged while watching Freddie take out the remains of the tape glued to his skin as if enjoying the agony in his face whenever he pulled it a little more and winced. Carly considered that she probably was indeed enjoying it.
"Yeah, it won't hurt." She pouted. "It's a little hard to pull it all out without losing any hair but it's much easier taking it away from your head than from your ass. There's nothing worse than having your buttocks glued to each other by duct tape." Carly turned around slowly, assimilating the information:
"How do you even know these things?" Sam sat on the floor, snapped a rib from her shorts' pocket (her famous emergency supply) and took a bite before answering with her mouth full:
"Believe me, you don't want to know." That simple statement sent Carly a shiver down her spine. The whole situation with the prisoners invading their house using the giant Trojan Jeans of Doom (as Freddie had named it), followed by them being glued to a chair and Spencer surprise appearance followed by his hurried departure had distracted her from just how hurt she was but now that Sam was keeping things from her again, she felt a stingy sense of betrayal.
"There are two types of people in the world, Freddork." Sam was telling Freddie absently on the floor as she enjoyed watching him suffer. "The ones that rip band-aids at once, facing the pain with all their guts like real men…and wimps who like to take it very slowly because they think that tiny little pains are less hurtful than one, big, fast pain."
"I'm not a wimp!" He sounded offended. "I just don't want to get my arm depilated." Sam laughed:
"Aww, Freddie…" She mocked him. "Don't worry! I'm sure you can't get depilated if you don't have body hair…" Carly was sure their mockery would have continued if she hadn't turned at once and said abruptly:
"I wanna know."
"What?" They both raised their heads to face her at once, not understanding what she was talking about. They had been doing this sync thing for a while now.
"I want to know how you know about the buttocks thing." Sam exchanged a confused look with Freddie, who said:
"Er, Carly, why would anyone want to know that?"
"Because! You guys promised you'd tell me anything, that we'd have no more secrets! So I want to know! I want to know about Sam's sticky buttocks!"
"My buttocks are not sticky!"
"I bet they are." Freddie mocked almost in reflex. Sam licked the rib she was holding twice and then rubbed it against his face. "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! You're disgusting!"
"Answer me!" By now, Carly was definitely throwing a tantrum. "We said no more secrets!" Sam sighed:
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
"Yeah, Carly, when Sam doesn't tell us stuff like that it's usually 'cause she doesn't want to send us to the Witness Protection Program."
"Listen to Benson, Carly, this is one of those rare cases in which his usual nerdiness is actually useful." Carly reasoned for a second and then groaned, giving up:
"Alright, I suppose you guys are right." She stared at her own sneakers for a second and then snapped. " Then answer my other question." Both Sam and Freddie looked alarmed (or confused, Carly couldn't really tell the difference in her mental state):
"What other question?" Freddie asked hesitantly.
"You know…the other question. The one I made earlier." She moved her shoulders awkwardly as she felt the hot vapor coming up from the boiling water. "Did you guys like it?" They exchanged another glance and Carly wished they'd stop doing that all the time.
"Just answer me, twerps!" She clapped her hands, trying to act bossy and scary like her father did when talking to his subordinates. Sam took a deep breath and threw her rib's leftovers on the trashcan with a basketball move and clicked her tongue while staring at Freddie:
"I hated every second." She highlighted the word "hate" for some reason Carly couldn't exactly understand, she concluded it was probably to annoy him. "All seven of them." Freddie narrowed his eyes at her:
"Eight." He corrected her with a winning smile, like he was insulting her. "We kissed for eight seconds, Puckett."
"Sam!" Carly yelled as Sam buffed and gritted her teeth, ready to rip one (or two) of Freddie's eyes out and he retreated protecting his vital organs.
"You're lucky Carly's here, Benson. Very lucky." She whispered between her gritted teeth.
"Well, what about you, Freddie?" Carly interrupted them.
"Me?" He stared at the last gigantic piece of duct tape in his forearm and started pulling it out as carefully as possible. "It would've been better if it had been with you, of course." He said with a last smile at her.
At this, Sam took hold of his arm and pulled the rest of duct tape out all at once with one strong move.
"FACE THE PAIN ALREADY, BENSON!" She yelled at him. "Carly will never love you!" Freddie yelled in pain and crawled in fetal position holding his forearm and cussing very loud all sorts of Spanish bad words.
"Oh my God, is that Freddie's skin on the duct tape?" Carly narrowed her eyes to take a better look. Sam just threw it away shrugging:
"Well, I'm sure it's not hair."
"You…evil….twisted…." Freddie tried to come up with full sentences while rocking on the floor, eyes closed and tears of pain rolling down his cheeks. "Blond headed…devil…"
"Yeah, yeah…Whatever, Fudge Face." She said standing up and stepping over him on her way out of the kitchen. Carly glared at her reprovingly. "What?" she asked. "You don't love him. He better face the facts now then later. You are Freddie's very own giant silver duct tape. With super glue."
Carly beamed but as she was reminded of Sam's metaphor she couldn't help but to wonder who exactly was the one trying to break into things gently and slowly, trying to protect themselves from getting hurt in the process.
She shook all these thoughts off of her head thinking that the only reason she was seeing things this way was because she was still shocked they had kissed. Still, she knew how Sam acted violent around guys she liked…
"Puckett, I swear…" Freddie's voice came out tiny and low from his place on the floor. "If I start to over bleed because of you…"
"Then we will know life has followed its natural course." Sam interrupted him with a flamboyant bow. Freddie opened his mouth to protest but as soon as he managed to open his eyes, he lost track of his thoughts:
"Yeah?" The girls answered.
"Sam's right; I can totally see Gibby dressed as a seagull."
A/N: Well, that was the first one shot. Some of them will be more serious, other more fluffy and stuff like that but as they are all related to facts happened in the episode, I can't stretch much their personalities at the moment of the said episode so you won't get much romance. I mean, you will, but not in a exaggerated way. :} Review, please.